How do we get our relationship back?

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I have been with my dh nearly 10 years, we have lived together nearly all that time and got married nearly 2 years ago. We have always had a volatile relationship, we are both bad tempered and liable to row about minor things. We always joked that our rows were about trivial things, never big issues but we certainly have a history of blowing small ones out of proportion.

In November dh told me he wasn't happy but didn't know why. He was fed up of the arguments which made him feel small. He thought I was too pessimistic and it drove him nuts. I pointed that pessimism and being argumentative have always been key to my character, which he must have realised after all this time. He said he hadn't, he thought it was just all the stress and when we had less worries I would be more positive. This was all news to me, I had been you.g through a really good phase since maybe March last year and was devastated to find out he wasn't happy.

We decided to work at it. He says he still loves me. I have tried to pretty much carry on as before, although making an effort not to nag. I still don't fully understand the issue, think some if it is to do with him turning 30, now having a wife and mortgage. Kids are a logical next step although we have never been sure we want them. Despite talking through his issues on many occasions, and his going to a counsellor for a while, he still doesn't fully understand why he is unhappy.

Things have been much better, from my point of view at least, for the last couple of months. He said he was better, had been happier. Then last night I was tired, sitting eating dinner when he came home. He asked if I was ok, I said yes just tired. He asked another 3 times in 5 mins and I snapped at him. It turned into a huge row and he threatened to leave, actually got in car to go. I told him he can't keep blowing hot and cold.

I don't really know what I hope to achieve by posting here but would be grateful for any advice anyone has. And thanks for reading, you are doing well if you have made it this far.

Hmm it sounds like you might be incompatible. You say being pessimistic and argumentative is part of your character, but those things drive your DH nuts. How can you resolve that?

You've survived this far in a kind of prickly compatibility but now he's not enjoying the 'volatility' so much and wondering if this is how he wants to live out the rest of his life. There's a big difference between what is attractive or tolerable to 20 year-olds and 30 year-olds. And what's 'pessimistic and argumentative' to one person can be 'emotional abuse' to another. It's not a healthy relationship if one party ends up feeling small because they are constantly snapped at.

FWIW having grown up in a household were trivial matters often end up in blazing rows I can tell you that it's a very damaging atmosphere for children.

In what way do the arguments "make him feel small"? Do you belittle him?

And what is his behaiour towards you like in arguments?

I don't know, that is what is worrying me. It didn't used to be a problem, he seems to have just suddenly decided this after 9 years of being together. I can try to change but I feel like he just doesn't want me any more, he wants someone with my good points but not the bad ones!

If he has decided it's over, then you can't make him stay in a relationship he no longer wants.

Has he decided it's over?

Would it be possible to have a calm conversation about all this and try to figure out what's going on?

Actually I wonder if he is suffering from depression? It's not always so easy to spot in men. The repeated questioning, general feeling of sadness and irritability.... Would he see his GP? I had to route march my DH to the GP eventually. If you imagine the roles were reversed, and this was the DH asking about his DW? It may well be that a short spell of ADs would help, or at least bring some certainty as to whether or not it's his relationship that is the problem. HTH

People change. Priorities change. We grow up. The bad habits we used to find endearing in someone become irritating 10 years down the track. This often happens when people get together young because what we want and what we find attractive can change radically between teens and, say, 30.

How pessimistic are you?

My dh used to be very pessimistic. At first I just found it funny but after a few years, it actually became draining. I hated it and it just sounded like constant moaning to me.
Thankfully, he's not like that anymore. We're much happier now but basically, he had to change. It wasn't easy and he's still prone to a bout of moaning but not at all as bad as he was.

HotDamn he says I do. He isn't really able to explain how I do it though which makes it hard to change. He was brought up in a house where simmering resentment is how they deal with things, don't think that helps.

He shouts a lot. He also likes to slam doors or storm out.

I think there are a couple of possibilities that are most likely.

He realises that a decision about having children is imminent and has got to the point where he is unsure whether your relationship is stable and mature enough to support the extra stresses that will bring.

Or he's met someone else and is projecting faults on to you in order to create distance/alleviate his own guilt. Creating rows out of nothing that end in one partner leaving the house and threatening to leave is amazingly common in affairs.

If he's finding faults with aspects of your character that he's never had a problem with before (and let's face it, he married you only 2 years ago) then I would investigate the second possibility, or at least rule it out.

I did think he might be depressed. He went to the gp, who said he wasn't and went to a counsellor who agreed. He says he still loves me and wants to make it work.

Ex, I have always been a pessimist but I'm not really a moaner. It's just that I worry about worst case scenarios and that makes me very cautious about stuff. However, he is pretty cautious too so quite well suited, or so I thought.

Yes, people change. But we have worked so hard for what we have together, it seems terrible to throw it all away when we still love each other.

Me and my H were 30 and 38 when we met ten years ago. During that time I haven't changed but my H has. Things that he never used to mind such as my untidyness and sarcastic humiur suddenly became a massive problem for him and he decided he was unhappy and walked out. He didn't tell me he was unhappy prior to this he just walked. and refused to go for counselling. We are getting divorced due to his inability to talk to me.

If your H is talking to you and having counselling then hopefully you stand a good chance of working it out.

Good luck.

Also I should say that he decided he no longer loved me and turned to his best friends wife to discuss our problems as he couldn't talk to me.

We never ever argued....

He shouts a lot. He also likes to slam doors or storm out.

That's not good.

It also doesn't sound like dealing with things through "simmering resentment" at all - sounds highly aggressive.

Stern I hear what you're saying and some other threads made me think there might be someone else based on other people's experiences. However, even with that in the back of my mind I can't find anything else that would point to an affair. Also raised it with him.

We do discuss the situation a lot, mostly in a rational way. As I say, rows are always about trivial things, we have always agreed on big issues.

You're going to have to make a conscious effort to be kinder, then. Both of you, that is. Talk calmly together and decide no more sniping, door-slamming and winding each other up. See if you can be more spontaneous and less cautious as a couple. Less argumentative and more cooperative.

In other relationships in your life... work, friendships, relatives... are you both exactly the same as you are at home? Would friends or work colleagues describe you as 'volatile', argumentative, sulky and snapping all the time, or do you relate differently with them?

Thanks Sky, that's encouraging although sorry to hear about your own situation.

Hot I mean I don't think he ever learned to argue in a controlled way because he had no role model.

What ever the reasons for his unhappiness, it is intolerable to live with someone who is holding the threat of ending the relationship over your head the whole time. You might not realise just how much 'walking on eggshells' you have been doing trying to make him happy and wanting to stay with you.

You might want to think about suggesting a separation yourself because of this. This is to give you some breathing space and also so that he can actually face the loss of you and have more clarity about whether he wants in or he wants out. It's very self-indulgent and quite selfish to expect the other person to wait patiently while someone takes the luxury of time over a decision like this.

It would help you if you could know what was behind this though. I have a feeling that information is being hidden from you that would impact greatly on your decisions.

We do have to be kinder to each other. It is hard though, and harder now I feel so unsettled. I think in other relationships we are the same, although probably a bit toned down as not so emotional. Friends and relatives would definitely agree that I am argumentative although with them it (hopefully) is more about liking a good debate than arguing.

Stern, I agree with a lot of what you say. I am scared that if we separate we will just drift apart. Also, genuinely don't think he is hiding information from me, which actually just makes the whole thing really frustrating as I don't know how to fix things when I don't know what the problem is.

Just to explain on the "volatile" comment, what I mean by that is that when we argue it does tend to kick off. That is not to say that we argue all the time and as I say when we do it is usually about something ridiculous.

To the poster who said that it's not a good environment for children, I agree with that. But we have not decided if we want any. Dh's parents just don't communicate at all so I don't think that is very healthy either.

I don't think 'but I've always been pessimistic' was an adequate or fair response. It can be very draining to live with someone gloomy and negative.

I know it's not on the cards right now, but I really don't think you should decide to try for a baby - your relationship is unlikely to last especially with the enormous pressures of having children.

You're backtracking on the volatile comment now. If you don't believe 'he can ever learn to argue in a controlled manner' then that's a big problem.

If there were two things I'd advise younger couples or couples considering whether to start a family - I'd say firstly make sure you have shared values and a friendship, and secondly be honest about your partner's shortcomings/bad habits. If they are bad now, they will not improve when you have kids, they are more like to escalate (that includes addiction, anger, controlling behaviour).

We all have faults, of course, but you have to be honest about what faults they are and how bad they are.

I don't think you can change, at a very fundamental level, although you can tweak surface behaviour (e.g. not reacting so much, removing yourself if you feel an argument is about to kick off). My worry is that he seems to be saying you are not the right person for him, but doesn't want to follow through with that by actually splitting up. Meanwhile, you are (as someone else said) on eggshells trying to change, but I suspect you couldn't actually change to please him as the problem is either a) he's having a bit of a crisis about being 30 or b) he doesn't want to be with you deep down or c) both of these.

It's very sad but sometimes the best thing you can do is to believe someone when they say they are unsure. What if you moved out to give you both time to work out what you want? I think you may be accommodating now, but soon having a half-hearted partner who isnt' sure if you are the right person for them is going to make you angry (I hope anyway).

And, with volatile relationships, they can be good passionate and stably 'violatile' if you know what I mean, but only if both partners are happy with that level of interaction. If what he wants is a quiet life, that may not work between you. I think a bit of shouting isn't necessarily a bad atmosphere for children, if it is contained and problems resolved and coupled with a good relationship the rest of the time. If it's a sign of incompatibility, bitterness or resentment, it will be destructive.

So you have been making an effort. You were tired last night and told him so. Rather than say oh dear how about a cup of tea/soak in the bath he carries on nagging you until you snap at him, so it blows up into a row and it is all your fault.

He could have not carried on asking until you snapped what was wrong with your answer the first time? Why does this make it your fault.

Sounds like he was to blame for making you snap.

I don't know if he is deliberately setting you up to fail or if it is subconscious because of impending middle age and children.

Will he go to marriage counselling with you so that you can both work on resolving problems together and deciding what you want from the future?

If there were two things I'd advise younger couples or couples considering whether to start a family - I'd say firstly make sure you have shared values and a friendship, and secondly be honest about your partner's shortcomings/bad habits. If they are bad now, they will not improve when you have kids, they are more like to escalate (that includes addiction, anger, controlling behaviour).

Proud - Even now, we have the shared values and there is still friendship. We have also been very honest about shortcomings. I have them, so does he and some of the things that we do annoy each other. I would not want to change him and thought he felt the same about me. This has all come as quite a surprise which I was just not expecting after all this time.