How do we get our relationship back?

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I have been with my dh nearly 10 years, we have lived together nearly all that time and got married nearly 2 years ago. We have always had a volatile relationship, we are both bad tempered and liable to row about minor things. We always joked that our rows were about trivial things, never big issues but we certainly have a history of blowing small ones out of proportion.

In November dh told me he wasn't happy but didn't know why. He was fed up of the arguments which made him feel small. He thought I was too pessimistic and it drove him nuts. I pointed that pessimism and being argumentative have always been key to my character, which he must have realised after all this time. He said he hadn't, he thought it was just all the stress and when we had less worries I would be more positive. This was all news to me, I had been you.g through a really good phase since maybe March last year and was devastated to find out he wasn't happy.

We decided to work at it. He says he still loves me. I have tried to pretty much carry on as before, although making an effort not to nag. I still don't fully understand the issue, think some if it is to do with him turning 30, now having a wife and mortgage. Kids are a logical next step although we have never been sure we want them. Despite talking through his issues on many occasions, and his going to a counsellor for a while, he still doesn't fully understand why he is unhappy.

Things have been much better, from my point of view at least, for the last couple of months. He said he was better, had been happier. Then last night I was tired, sitting eating dinner when he came home. He asked if I was ok, I said yes just tired. He asked another 3 times in 5 mins and I snapped at him. It turned into a huge row and he threatened to leave, actually got in car to go. I told him he can't keep blowing hot and cold.

I don't really know what I hope to achieve by posting here but would be grateful for any advice anyone has. And thanks for reading, you are doing well if you have made it this far.

Mumsy that is my concern too, that deep down he wants to leave but just can't bring himself to do it. He says that's not the case. I worry that a separation would just lead to us splitting up.

Xales - my reaction went to far - along the lines of "for f*'s sake, I told you already I'm just tired". He then went out of the room. When he came back he apologised but in that kind of "sorry... but I still don't see what your problem is" way. That made me even more mad, I tried to explain, he said I was treating him like a child ... and it all went from there. I think we accept that we were both to blame for overreacting. I don't think it was a set up, subconcious or otherwise really.

I have suggested marriage counselling. He agress with the principle but is worried that they will just say we should split up, which he doesn't want. Apparently the counsellor he had himself more or less told him to give me up as a lost cause. That put him off going back (he had already been to a lot of sessions) because it wasn't the solution he wanted.

Is it something we all do?

Ask someone 'are you pissed off?'

Answer 'No.'

Ask 'Are you sure you aren't pissed off?'

Answer 'I am sure.'

Repeat a few times until the person finally is flaming pissed off when they weren't before.

The counsellor may have told him to give you up as a lost cause as they were there for him not for you as a couple to resolve your issues and only got one side of your relationship.

If you go together and it becomes clear that you should separate and you can arrange to do so as friends is that better than staying in a relationship slowly dying a painful death? Hopefully you can come out better and stronger though.

He possibly wasn't honest with the counsellor about what was behind his malaise. If he's telling the truth about the counsellor's rather surprising conclusion given that they are not supposed to make judgements or pronouncements, it's evident that he used the sessions to list your perceived shortcomings. The counsellor might well have asked him to consider the option of leaving (amongst others) and it's possible that he has his own reasons why he doesn't want to do that just yet, but withheld it from the counsellor and left the sessions because the therapist might have started to smell a rat.

I read you again saying that his complaints have come as a 'surprise' which is why I have a nagging feeling that a third party is involved here. If there is, you are providing your partner with a cosy billet while he decides which of you are worth taking a risk on, or while the third party extricates herself from her own relationship and he can find somewhere to live with her. That's very common in these situations.

Xales - thanks, you have made me smile for possibly the first time today! It was really quite annoying. But no need for it to turn into a fundamental examination of our relationship as far as I can see.

Will definitely think about the counselling thing again, at least it might help us to get to the bottom of what is going on here.

Stern - I think he hoped the counsellor would be able to tell him what the problem was, which isn't really how they work.

This really has all been a suprise to me. Part of the reason it is so upsetting is that I thought we were going through a really nice settled patch. I had been unhappy in my job for ages and then got a new one just a few weeks before all this came out. He had to put up with my being borderline depressed about works for a couple of years, it wasn't easy for him and he was a massive support to me. I finally got myself in a better place with that about March last year, then changed jobs in November. I was much happier overall and assumed he was too. Maybe he thought it would be a magic wand effect, and I would suddenly become Mrs Positivity? Instead, he got me, happier, but still worrying about how we were going to save up for the new car that we will need soon as the old one is getting towards its last legs, worrying about how much work needed to be done in the house etc etc.

Please don't think I am ignoring your warnings, I am taking it all on board. However I can't think of a single sign (other than the sudden change) that points towards an affair.

Mumsy that is my concern too, that deep down he wants to leave but just can't bring himself to do it. He says that's not the case. I worry that a separation would just lead to us splitting up.

If that truly is what he wants deep down, then a separation leading to a split would be a good thing, because you can't keep a person in a relationship that they don't want to be in.

Oh, I also suspect that the way he has reported his counsellor's advice is heavily interpreted: therapists do not tell their patients what to do, they help their clients work out for themselves what it is that the patients want to do.

He agress with the principle but is worried that they will just say we should split up, which he doesn't want. Apparently the counsellor he had himself more or less told him to give me up as a lost cause. That put him off going back (he had already been to a lot of sessions) because it wasn't the solution he wanted.

Again, a counsellor will not tell their patients to split up. Only he knows if he wants to split up with you. Does he?

HotDamn - he says not. I know a counsellor wouldn't say that in so many words, he said she made her meaning clear though. Bearing in mind that this stuff has been going on since November, the fact that he has stuck it out this long shows he is committed to some extent at least. It hasn't been easy for him either, as much as I want him to stay I also want him to stay with me not some washed out version of me who is afraid to upset him all the time. I couldn't keep that up forever so have been trying to get a balance of curbing my worst flaws (because I totally accept that I have a role to play if we are going to get things back on track, it takes two to argue etc) but also still being me rather than a doormat. I felt it was working, he said he did too. But then comes last night's stupid row and him threatening to leave.