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Original poster

competitive friend

34 replies

mebythesea · 20/06/2012 20:21

Hi there ive posted before about my struggle with my relationship with my sister, how she tramples over me emotionally and how i let her...
And im wondering if i attract people who neeed to always prove themselves against me...

So now i need advice about my best friend. Basically she is uber competitive with me. Always seems to need to take on what ever i am doing etc.
For instance
1: 6months ago i took up a sport and also started doing zumba and working with a fitness trainer. So she starts doing training with same instructor , and does 2x zumba classes and takes up same sport as me and gets all the best 'kit' to do it in..she is for ever saying how mch more exercise she has done than me.

.. I jst find it a bit odd. I love doing the sport/ exercise but find her constant cometitiveness really draining and it is impacting on my enjoyment of it.

2: we are both arty / crafty. I did a craftfair at xmas and whilst there the owner of a gallery approached me and asked to stock my work, yay i thought. Lo and behold she butts in and turns it into an opportunity to promote her work. She took over the conversation and i hardly got a lookin to discuss my work with the gallery. She totally ousteds me.

3: i have started to learn various new craft techniqueas which ive wanteds to learn for age and lo and behold she is suddenly doing them too.
I even made up something that i was going to be doing to see if she would copy me and start doing it and she DID!

I also recently had a really original idea for a design and stupidly told her about it before i had done it, she then went and made it, and so now i feel i cant do it without it seeming like im somehow copying her! Aghhh the frustration!

I just feeel she wants to do everything i do and always needs to do it better or more. To somehow get one over on me. I love her and wanrt to share and ewnjoy things together, but im tiring of her need for oneupmanship.
Any ideas as how to deal with this or talk about it with her?
X thanks for trawling through one of my epic posts! X

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 20/06/2012 20:25

You've just got to keep schtum about what you're doing, where you are and what you like.

And tell her lies about your latest project. Goat keeping, African macramé and an Iron Woman competition should keep her busy.

If she copies you again, say, "You too?" with a raised eyebrow and get her a copy of the film SIngle White Female.

If you want to stay friends with her, then you'll have to 'manage' her.

SoDesperate · 20/06/2012 20:29

I would not consider her a friend at all. :(

toptramp · 20/06/2012 20:32

Keep your distance op and tell her to get a life.

redwhiteandblueeyedsusan · 20/06/2012 20:35

you think your friend is bad... my friend is worse... Grin

sorry, very naughty...

she is not a friend. do not tell her anything... unless you happen to mention you are going to take up weaving with nettles... (oops naughty again)

she is seriously strange and needy. you do not need her.

RabidAnchovy · 20/06/2012 20:37

Run, any day now she will kill you dog and go down on your boyfriend while dressed as you

RabidAnchovy · 20/06/2012 20:38

your not you Blush

izzyizin · 20/06/2012 22:01

If this is your 'best' friend, what's your worst like? Hmm

I like Winky's suggestion; tell her you've started body building, you've started training for a very long marathon, you intend to shave your hair and have 'love' and 'hate' tattooed on your fingers with 'mum' and 'dad' on your biceps plus nipple and genital piercings.

The more outlandish the projects you can get her started on come up with, the better.

Original poster
mebythesea · 20/06/2012 22:30

Hmmm nettle weaving and ironwoman competition sound very tempting. Teehehe!
But really can i not just talk about it with her... But how to start the conversation...? When she isnt being all competitive sher is lovely and caring and my best friend..

OP posts:
Original poster
mebythesea · 20/06/2012 22:40

Oh god is it that bad then? I have started to be very selective about what i tell her.. izzy my worst said to me "your just likr all the other F.ing looser twats" when i told her i got a 1st for my degree :( we are no longer friends... My friend choosing skills are a bit off i think. Seem to attact needy insecure peeps...?

OP posts:
CrownPrincessOhDearNigel · 20/06/2012 22:41

oh bless her. Could she just be seeing what you're doing and enjoying and be enthused and want to do it herself ?

izzyizin · 20/06/2012 22:54

So 'enthused' that she rips off the OP's original design, Nigel?

Seems to me that's a tad more than seeing what the OP's into and wanting to have a go herself.

CrownPrincessOhDearNigel · 20/06/2012 23:08

fair enough - i was trying to find a positive angle !

izzyizin · 20/06/2012 23:19

My sympathies - I know that feeling very well Grin

izzyizin · 20/06/2012 23:24

Let's throw it open - 'How can mebythesea raise the subject of her 'best' friend copying her ideas and taking up the same interests without a by your leave or invitation to do so?'

Has anyone else successfully resolved a similar problem with a copycat friend/relative?

Original poster
mebythesea · 20/06/2012 23:26

I think she is basically a good kind person and i also think she does want to 'join in' and is enthused by stuff i do, as ki am vy her and her creativity... She had a very sad upobringing and grew up very fast and had few close friends, i think our freiendship is a bit of a sisterely one for her very close, affevctionate, easy, but this competitive streak sometimes reares its head. She has very low self esteem and needs to boost herself up by always 'winning' . Im just not at all competitive so dont really engage with her when shes 'on one'. I guess 'managing' her is probably how i'll have to play it, just approach it with humor and love and tell her to stop eing so silly. Thanks folks for your thoughts... Goat keeping! Tatoos! X yay

OP posts:
Original poster
mebythesea · 20/06/2012 23:35

Thanks izzy yes please how can i start this conversation with her? Not sure she knows shes doing it. Or just a thought, could it be attewntion seeking? I find the more she does it the less i engage/ give attention ie when she says " oh you only did 30 press ups, well i did 60!" i say "oh good for you" is this the wrong approach? Should i say more? Less? somthing different

OP posts:
Selks · 20/06/2012 23:56

I'd just respond with an off the cuff remark to something like the press-up thing with "it's not a competition, you daftie!" say it jn a friendly way with a big grin. She might take the hint, and if not it kind of opens the conversation up.
I think you hit the nail on the head - its about her lack of self esteem. She probably doesn't value her own ideas or preferences because she doesn't value herself. Due to that she over values other people's - your - ideas and creative efforts.
See if you can give her praise for her own ideas and when she does something different to you, while letting her know that it's good to be an individual and follow your own preferences.

izzyizin · 21/06/2012 01:25

If she regards you as something of a 'big sis', it would appear that in this case imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

It seems to me that you have the right approach and adopting Selks suggestions will be a way of reassuring her that you think she's great just as she is, and that her relationship with you is one where she is valued for her unique qualities without needing to knock herself out trying to impress.

StaceymReadyForNumber3 · 21/06/2012 01:43

I had a friend like this, completely the same with the exercise thing, I just let her get on with it and ignored, until when DD was very poorly with kidney problems she tried it with 'my kid is sicker than your kid' and I blew up and screamed at her that he may have asthma ( not very severe) but she wasn't having to worry about kidney failure, and if she wanted to 'win' that one we could swap because I didn't want DD to be sick! That soon shut her up, it also ended our friendship, she was rather unhinged though!

Tread carefully OP and keep your best interests in mind.

SoSad007 · 21/06/2012 01:59

Hi OP, you are correct in thinking that your competitive friend has a self-esteem issue, but you said:

"And im wondering if i attract people who neeed to always prove themselves against me...".

This is an incredible piece of insight that you have about yourself. And I can't possibly tell you how rare it is for a person to have any insight whatsoever. Once you have have figured out the answer to this little piece of insight, you are on the way to discovering the complete solution to this problem. I know this might sound confusing and cryptic, but I sincerely wish you the best with figuring this out.

Good luck.

henrysmama2012 · 21/06/2012 04:10

I think you should just be straight up with her and say she's awesome but what's up with the competitive thing-& say to her am I just reading this all wrong? Maybe she thinks you're the competitive one somehow? Or she just can't get past envying you despite really liking you as a friend? Worth a shot & if the response isn't constructive I'd consider phasing out the friendship.

For what it's worth I had / have a friend who admitted to real envy of me...try as I might I can't change her perception of my life being perfect (it so isn't, lol, & I never try to pretend it is!)-but to her credit she said when I feel this envy I just avoid us hanging out so much...it's just a human way that I feel...well we don't see eachother so much in person anymore but are always sending funny stories by text etc which is nice so at least we have a friendship of sorts. It would have been unrealistic to have persevered with a normal close friendship tho...but her perception of my life says way more about her (self esteem?) than me as she always gets told the bad as well as the good and there's been some epic bad at times!!

Mumsyblouse · 21/06/2012 09:35

It's difficult to tell if it's stemming from her low self-esteem, or you are being a bit trampled on. Either way I can see this is annoying, and if it happens in more than one close relationship, it's definitely a pattern. I would distance yourself, not drastically, but simply don't tell her everything you are up to, you need a bit of space in there so she doesn't know every class you take or every design you want to do. I think this will benefit the relationship in the long-run anyway as it sounds rather over-intense and this means when boyfriends or other friends come along, the friendship may struggle.

dondon33 · 21/06/2012 12:49

I would speak to her about it and tell her the truth.

You are not responsible for her self-esteem issues, she has to deal with them. I'm not saying that you should intentionally make her feel bad or anything but explain that it could cost her your friendship.

It's lovely if she just wanted to share common interests with you, join you in the gym etc... but this is much deeper and has the potential to become more sinister.
She's already proved this by sabotaging your chance with the gallery- what true friend would do that? not one that want's good for you I'm afraid :(

Try and spell it out for her, if she doesn't listen and stop the copycat behaviour then, if I were you, I'd start pulling away from her. x

sugarice · 21/06/2012 12:58

I agree with dondon with regard to the incident in the gallery, that doesn't smack of low self esteem issues more like jealousy and envy [me me me]. She sounds very intense and a bit swf.

janelikesjam · 21/06/2012 13:54

"And im wondering if i attract people who neeed to always prove themselves against me...".

I have wondered that too, but I only experience it with one friend. I also think she is very competitive, but in a different way than your friend.

I also feel some sadness about it, as she can be great fun when she wants to be. But I feel she is always measuring up and promoting herself and all the other boring stuff that goes with it.

I did distance myself from her, I stopped confiding in her and so forth. I still thought she was fun but if I couldn't trust her, and had to distance myself so much, what was the point of the friendship.

As of now, I have not called her for 4 months. I could do anytime, but know it will be fun but I will be competed with.

Feel for you Sad what you will do in the long run ...

By the way stealing your ideas or "ousting" you is a sackable offence.

I think if you decide to be a friend for now, just be on the alert, and challenge her if she is behaving like this. See her reaction. If she behaves like a jerk, well I would leave her to deal with her problem.