competitive friend

[mebythesea]

Hi there ive posted before about my struggle with my relationship with my sister, how she tramples over me emotionally and how i let her...
And im wondering if i attract people who neeed to always prove themselves against me...

So now i need advice about my best friend. Basically she is uber competitive with me. Always seems to need to take on what ever i am doing etc.
For instance
1: 6months ago i took up a sport and also started doing zumba and working with a fitness trainer. So she starts doing training with same instructor , and does 2x zumba classes and takes up same sport as me and gets all the best 'kit' to do it in..she is for ever saying how mch more exercise she has done than me.

.. I jst find it a bit odd. I love doing the sport/ exercise but find her constant cometitiveness really draining and it is impacting on my enjoyment of it.

2: we are both arty / crafty. I did a craftfair at xmas and whilst there the owner of a gallery approached me and asked to stock my work, yay i thought. Lo and behold she butts in and turns it into an opportunity to promote her work. She took over the conversation and i hardly got a lookin to discuss my work with the gallery. She totally ousteds me.

3: i have started to learn various new craft techniqueas which ive wanteds to learn for age and lo and behold she is suddenly doing them too.
I even made up something that i was going to be doing to see if she would copy me and start doing it and she DID!

I also recently had a really original idea for a design and stupidly told her about it before i had done it, she then went and made it, and so now i feel i cant do it without it seeming like im somehow copying her! Aghhh the frustration!

I just feeel she wants to do everything i do and always needs to do it better or more. To somehow get one over on me. I love her and wanrt to share and ewnjoy things together, but im tiring of her need for oneupmanship.
Any ideas as how to deal with this or talk about it with her?
X thanks for trawling through one of my epic posts! X

She has very low self esteem and needs to boost herself up by always 'winning'

Run far, far away from this type of person. They set out to put you down in order to boost their own sick ego. She is not a friend.

Sad as her upbringing may have been, it is up to her to manage her own self-esteem issues, not to take them out on you.

I really really wouldn't bother trying to change her or confront her. Disengage, play your cards close to your chest and spend as little time as possible with her. With luck the relationship will die away.

Been through this - got rid.
It's the only way.
Slowly reduce her presence in your life.

Years on I still feel the effects of this "friend's" slowly seeped poison.

Is it my sister you're talking about?

My sister is quite a lot older than me, so all my life I've been playing 'catch up' with her IYSWIM - there were not many things I got to do before her, especially when I was younger, yet this natural advantage has never been enough for her.

The first big thing I remember is going to Legoland, Denmark with my mother. I had been looking forward to it for ages, and then about a month before we went she decided to change her Inter-Railing plans to go there. It was a deliberate act to go there before me. She had been invited to come with us, but refused, so it's not as if she was getting her own back. I remember the first time I went to the US refusing to let my mother tell her I was going, as I knew she'd have been on a flight over before you could say 'Bob's your uncle' and I really wanted there to be somewhere that was 'mine'.

Other than that she has, for years, tried to take over my friends (and sleep with them if they're male) and when they don't immediately become make her their bestest friend in the whole wide world she tries to break up my friendship with them (or, in the case of one friend who wouldn't jump on her recently, threaten to shop them to the police on a made-up charge). She is a nightmare.

She also decided to do a course in the subject I was doing for my degree, not that she had any interest in it, just because it was my thing. Luckily she couldn't make head or tail of it and abandoned it.

Sorry OP, no help at all but thanks for letting me rant!

Oh Lordy I could rant about this.
Honestly, OP, sack her off.

Hey thanks for your helpful insights and thoughts.
The thought of not being friends with her makes me really sad. I dont hink i want to do that. but definatly make some space to breathe. We live in a very rural area where likeminded peeps are few and far between...
Elephantstreetparty , Interestingly my older sis has done that exact same thing with friends and boyfriends in the past. Has pinched alot of my friends and a few boyfriends over the years. Always has to be like mebythesea but with extra sparkle etc. I find if she starts doing it i just shrink away...
By the way today i was out biking with my dd' on their lovely new islabikes. We've been saving for them for yrs. And my friend turned up and said "oh my ds has got the model up from that, we only get him the best" i just raised my eyebrows and was quite speachless... Grrr

Am feelingr eally sad about all this. Have had a major run in with my sister recently because she decided to pick holes in my parenting and i for once stood up to her and told her a few home truths... Am now being made to feel as though i have done somthing terrible, just gave as good as i got for once.
I think i am a total wimp though. I just shut off for an easy life and let people tread all over me. I dont speak my mind, i generally feel everyoner else must know best or my opinion/feelings arent important...they never were in my family.I am tryig to get some backbone, but am shitscared of ending up sad and lonely.

Hi there mebythesea. Hope you are feeling a bit better. You have just had another great insight, which is important. You said:

"I find if she starts doing it i just shrink away..."

Your sister has a need to outdo you (for whatever reason), and in response, you 'shrink away'. This is your sisters pay-off, and what she wants you to do. She needs to feel better than you, and when she challenges you, you back down, which allows her to feel better. Now, you have had a lifetime of this sort of conditioning, which leads you to (unconsciously) seek out these relationships. Can you see what I'm saying?

Your second post indicates that you have set an important boundary for your sister - you told her in no uncertain terms that your parenting is a no-go area. Can you see how setting this boundary for her goes against the above paragraph?

I will leave this with you to digest for a little while. Its great that you have had such great insights about yourself in these relationships, and you can use these to your advantage in the future .