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Original poster

Dad wants me to get a legal agreement before buying house with DP - would you?

63 replies

thornbury · 20/06/2012 19:29

Almost half the equity in the house will be due to the sale of my property. We will have a joint mortgage. DP earns about £30k more than me. We don't live together at present.

My dad wants me to protect my interest, his main argument being that I must protect the money exH has given me to put a roof over my children's heads and that both exH, and my parents, would be upset if I 'lost' it through splitting from DP.

DP feels like my parents don't trust him...yet knows that I love and trust him 100%. I can see his point...and also theirs.

WWYD?

OP posts:
EverybodysSleepyEyed · 20/06/2012 19:58

This isn't really about him screwing you over though. There are plenty o other situations that could be damaging, eg if one of you die.

It's not a big thing to put in place

I also think he is being oversensitive about your parents. Their job is to look out for you. I'm sure they like him a lot but it understandable that they are looking at things in a different way to you

Alameda · 20/06/2012 20:01

yes, death disability redundancy all kinds of things might happen to affect who pays the mortgage and whether the house has to be sold and how much of the equity goes where etc

I wasn't even thinking about the possibility of the relationship breaking down although you are both divorced so you are well aware of how that can happen

AThingInYourLife · 20/06/2012 20:02

Your Dad is right.

Your children deserve to have their interests protected. It would be remiss of you not to do this.

Hassled · 20/06/2012 20:06

I'm sure he is a great bloke - but presumably you thought the same of your Ex when you married him? People change (him or you), circumstances change, you have no way of knowing what the future will really hold. Protect yourself and your DCs - it's not about your Dad not trusting him, it's about your Dad wanting to guarantee some financial security for you.

Dprince · 20/06/2012 20:06

Yes definitely. For your children. I would think if your dp is in fact a dp and not just a 'p'. He will agree your children must be protected.
I can't imagine you planned on getting divorced when you got with exh. No one knows what the future holds.

Alameda · 20/06/2012 20:08

you could both die at the same time, in a plane crash or something (you know, like in films) and then how can you be sure the assets will be divided up with your children's best interests in mind?

changeforthebetter · 20/06/2012 20:08

It's not your parents' opinion of him, it's their concern for you you, their daughter. Relationships do break down. We all know that.

Protect yourself and your kids.

maswera · 20/06/2012 20:08

Ask him what he would advise his daughter to do...

discrete · 20/06/2012 20:09

Surely if he has an ex and dc from a previous relationship it's not just down to trusting him, but also any dependents who might have a claim on his assets?

I am from a blended family where everyone gets along better than you could reasonably expect with exes and steps of all descriptions, and we all agree that having things legally drawn up is always a good idea.

DonInKillerHeels · 20/06/2012 20:09

Yes. You would be a total idiot not to draw up a legal agreement beforehand. What happens when you split up?

KatyMac · 20/06/2012 20:09

What if (God forbid) you both die & his ex and your ex/parents have to sort out the house as guardians of the children - without an agreement it could take years and cost thousands to sort it out in court

Inertia · 20/06/2012 20:09

It's not an issue of not trusting him, it's a case of having the facts legally outlined to protect the interests of your children - I should imagine that their father would be pretty keen that another man doesn't profit from the provision he has made for his children.

DonInKillerHeels · 20/06/2012 20:10

(sorry, that should have been IF you split up, or if something happens to you)

fireice · 20/06/2012 20:10

Is he really planning on asking you to pass over the 100K to his daughter in the event of his death rather than making a will himself? It seems like he is consistent in how he approaches these things.

Could you suggest that at the same time as you protect your interest in the property that he makes a will to protect his daughters financial interest?

Inertia · 20/06/2012 20:14

Was coming back to post what Fireice said - he absolutely should be making provision for his child himself in his own will.

ClaireDeTamble · 20/06/2012 20:14

Another one saying listen to your dad. You say that your children would get your estate if you die, but if you are Joint Owners (i.e. you do not have a Tennants in Common agreement drawn up stating who owns what share of the house), the entire house would pass to your DP no matter what any will states.

A will does not over ride a joint tenancy.

Your DP would also be wise to ensure that any money he wants left to his daughter is stated clearly in his will.

Also bear in mind that if anything were to happen to both of you, without a written agreement, the house would be split equally between your and DP's children, but if you were not married, his daughter would get all of his estate.

Springforward · 20/06/2012 20:14

I did this when DP (now DH) moved in and went on my mortgage and deeds. Frankly, this shouldn't be about trust, it's about protecting your financial interests. I would have had serious second thoughts if DH had objected.

izzyizin · 20/06/2012 21:02

Turn this on its head and see being tenants in common as a romantic legal declaration of your commitment to each other and of your joint desire to ensure that your relationship is founded on principles that protect you both, together with your dc, in the event of untimely happenings.

You know it, and your dad, makes sense.

tryingtobestonger · 20/06/2012 21:16

My Mum said exactly the same thing to me when my DP and I bought a house together and I put in a 20% deposit and he put in nothing. We had been recommended to have a 'Deed of Trust' by our solicitor to show who owned what % of the house. We didn't as I loved him and thought we would be together forever and he wouldn't ever do anything to jepodise this.

We got married 2 years later and 4 years after getting married he has walked out on me to live with OW he had been having an affair with. Now I am unsure how much of the equity I will end up with. Biggest mistake I made to not get this sorted when we bought the house.......

GnomeDePlume · 20/06/2012 21:28

Why doesnt he want to put an agreement in place?

Original poster
thornbury · 20/06/2012 21:32

I didn't say he doesn't want to, and he hasn't said he doesn't want to. This just came up, he is working abroad and we talked on Skype, not ideal but I need to reply to my dad and I can't wait til DP gets back for that. He feels like they don't trust him, I think, though perhaps they don't trust my judgement and it's nothing to do with DP at all (since I already have form Grin)

As I said earlier, we had already agreed to make new wills when we buy the house, so perhaps this is a logical extension of that and no big deal.

OP posts:
Springforward · 20/06/2012 21:33

And the Deed of Trust needs to be accompanied with mirror wills, so DP's benefactors can't make you sell up to pay their share, leading to you losing your home.

RandomMess · 20/06/2012 21:34

If you get married it can change everything anyway...

Original poster
thornbury · 20/06/2012 21:36

Nope, definitely not getting married again, ever, we are agreed on that one...only exception being if we retire to Dubai and can't live in sin, even in our dotage :)

OP posts:
Twingirlsrock · 20/06/2012 21:40

Another message to say to definitely do it. I did. It was difficult but not at all a reflection on trust or confidence in the relationship. I felt it was my responsibility as a good mother- why should my child ever pay for my choices?

It was a bit of a difficult thing to do as we effectively negotiated! But in the end I'd say it was important not just for me as a woman but also that he saw I was strong enough to do it.

I love him to bits, trust him, all of that stuff (otherwise I'd hardly move in with him)! However it's not about any of that. It's about being sensible, practical, responsible and protecting your child.

You just never know. If he walks out on me in 20 years then I will be absolutely devastated but not homeless.

Please listen to your dad who wants the best for you and his grandchildren. It sounds to me as if your dp would be more than happy to sign something if he is as you say and really he should be encouraging you to get it sorted so you can both move on and in happily.

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