Is there life after adultery?

[Luckystar96]

'Adultery' sounds v old fashioned word for it but I have realised that I have such strong morals that that is only word for it.
I found out for sure last week and H has admitted to it all (of course he had to seeing as I had hard evidence in emails that he and OW sent and her H extracted from her Pc) her H was the one who told me and we are now in contact.
It was for 2 yrs, but finished 7 mnths ago( only cz he realised the OW's H was probably in the know.
He has now ( I think) told me everything and he's been crying all weekend over how much he's hurt me etc etc.and it was purely for sex .i know THAT is true and I do think he's genuinely sorry and wants to rebuild our marriage, he's even going to see OW's H to tell him the truth as the OW seems to mucking everyone about with her lies.
Trouble is, whatever he does or says from here on the fact remains he has lied and lied and planned their meetings meticulously and would STILL BE DOING IT IF THEY HADN'T BEEN FOUND OUT
How can I carry on in this marriage? he's changed everything and life together can never be how it was.
I always said I would split up if this ever happened and he knew that. I can't get my head around the fact he would gamble our marriage, 2 kids and our future.
Feel so mixed up, swinging between throwing him out and making ago of it, it's like being on a horrible fairground ride you cant get off.

I'm not the best to advise you.I have experienced a betrayal of trust in my marriage,but not on this scale of time and a full blown sexual affair.My heart aches for you and your family.Just didn't want to read and not respond.

There are many wiser MN's,some who have rebuilt their marriages and some who have not,who will be along soon to help you.But two years is awfully long time and I felt devastated enough so can only imagine how desperate you must be feeling.Hope someone can help you x

Yeh right - em - not
like she's the only one?
FGS read the Shirley Glass book 'Not Just Friends'

I don't think you can carry on in a marriage that has be so thoroughly trashed. Two years is not just some bit of an opportunistic fling, it's a whole separate relationship and that requires a bit of planning. Yes, if you hadn't found out it would still be going on. It's also unlikely to be over just like that.

If you feel 'mixed up', ask him to leave while you sort your thoughts out. Sorry you've had such a shock.

2 years is a long time for something to be purely about sex. Its possible I suppose, but unlikely.

Its such a long time, such alot of lies, such barefaced, planned and excuted deceit. I wouldnt be able to come back from that, its too big.

I am wondering though why the OW's H has made such effort to tell you about this though. He sent you a letter, made a phone call and has now been intouch, 7 months after it has ended, with the emails. I wonder why.

I am not saying that you would have been better off not knowing, only you can decide that, but it almost seems vindictive, like he isnt doing to so you know the truth but so that your H doesnt get away with it. Have you discussed your feelings and what is happening in your marriage with him? I would stop that if I were you, its none of his business. You arent responsible for his marriage, just your own so tell him that you dont want him to get in touch again.

I would get him to leave for now. You need space away to decide.

Pleased you have started your own thread.

Firstly, please remember that none of this is your fault - he chose to have the affair and he chose to continue it for that long.

You are in shock and it will take you months to process your feelings and thoughts - do not make any long term decisions as you will keep changing your mind...

Remember that your H has been living a double life for 2 years - you have just found out so its bound to take some time for your mind to actually come to terms with the fact that he cheated on you.

You will need a lot of space and time - ask for this, even if it means him moving out on a temporary basis.

Get real life support from close friends/family.

I suspect your H is still in self denial about the affair and needs to go to therapy to look into himself to find out why he thought having an affair was the solution to his issues and problems.

Get Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends.

I am really sorry your H did this to you. I saw your post on another thread, and just wanted to say that.

There is life after adultery, with or without your cheating husband.

IMO, your H should leave to give you the space to decide whether you really even want to stay with him after this once the shock has worn off.

He should seek counselling on his own account to explore why he gave himself permission to do such a selfish, self-serving, devastating thing. He should be doing everything in his power (not just cheap words but actions ) to prove he is still wanting you because he really wants you not just that his double life has been exposed and you are the safe landing.

I think the OW's H has only recently accessed the emails and although suspected it was going on, needed absolute proof to believe it, just like me. I think his previous (anonymous ) contact with me/us was more to do with getting it to stop via myself and my H. He does seem a nice guy and just wants me to know the whole truth as he has been in the dark himself and been trying for so long to find out what was really going on.He didn't know we had kids at that time of sending letters etc.
I'm pretty sure counselling is badly needed by my H for sure and maybe both of us coz I can't sort out whats in my head.
I have also seen a book recommended on here called how to heal your spouse?? Anyone read it?

love, take MAHC's book recommendations

I don't know "How to Heal Your Spouse" but I certainly don't like the sound of it, just by going off the title

I would be happy to be proved wrong, and it actually be very helpful, but how the hell can one person heal another ?

For a start your H isn't "ill" and any "healing" he has to do must come from him, not you, because you haven't done anything wrong.

I dont like the sound of it either. It isnt your job to "heal" him, it is his job to sort himself out.

I think the book is actually written for the cheater to be the healer, not to be healed.

Ah. Hmm. < off to have a quick look >

I believe The book is aimed at the cheater and making them understand the extent of the devastation of their actions and to therefore help them heal the pain they've caused to their partner? It has been mentioned somewhere and highly recommended by counsellors.

Ah well that is slightly different then. But i still dont like the implication that it is one spouses job to heal the other. The OP doesnt need him to heal her, she needs to heal herself so that she can learn what she is prepared to accept and live with in her marriage, or out of it.

ok, the Jury is out.

I haven't read How to Heal your Spouse which is meant for the cheater not the betrayed party - but have ordered it and the writer is a fan of Dr Glass.

For you NJF is the book to read first I would think and you could get your H to read the other one (as well as NJF).

You can tell that BF and I don't give much leeway to cheaters. Sorry OP. < puts knee back into correct anatomical position >

and he's been crying all weekend over how much he's hurt me Well it didn't seem to bother him too much for the best part of two years while he was doing it did it?

I don't think he is crying over how much he has hurt you as much as he is crying over how much he has now been found out, how deep in the shit he is and how much he could lose his nice family life. Nothing to do with hurting you.

the OW seems to mucking everyone about with her lies. So suddenly it is all the OW's fault? Typical when a cheater is caught out that suddenly is is all the other person's fault.

What about the 2 years of lies he has told you. Sleeping besides you, Christmases, birthdays? All the times he has made arrangements to be with her and sloped off for a shag when he could have spent time with you as a family! Funny that he is now purer that pure and she is the liar

Is he taking any responsibility for what he has done?

You are 100% right. He would still be doing it if they hadn't been careless and got caught.

You cannot fix him. You cannot make him look into himself and see why he allowed himself to do this and what he can do to change himself to stop this happening again. Only he can do that.

Take all the time you need and decide what is best for you and any DC. He does not get a say now. Whatever decision you make it up to you it is not 'wrong'.

Go and see a solicitor so you know exactly where you stand legally if you do decide to separate. If you don't need to use the knowledge that is good, however knowledge is power and a little protection.

Be prepared for the swinging back and forth for a long time.

Please get yourself to a clinic and get a full check for STIs. Ensure he does too if you are sleeping with him

Good luck /hugs

I think no. You always mistrust and hate yourself a little bit for compromising your principles.

Hi, the book is called 'How to help your spouse heal from an affair' by Linda J Macdonald, and the best way to describe it is: a swift and accurate kick in the nuts of a cheater. No punches are pulled at all.

It is directed to the cheater, and it says: you HAVE to get it, and if you don't get it you will lose your marriage. That YOU CAUSED all this pain. You, and only you. Therefore: whatever she does or says to express this pain, YOU need to bear it remembering at all times she feels this way because of YOU. You HAVE to get the damage of all the lies and deceit, and you heal this by being utterly and openly honest until such time as she trusts you - and that will take years.

YOU cannot apologise enough times and you have to lay yourself down before your hurt spouse, as her healer, until such time as she finds by your constant actions and consistent honesty and repeated apologies that she can trust you, and you do this with no expectations of ever been forgiven - because you get it.

to be honest, I think THIS is the book that your H should be required to read first, from cover to cover, and to discuss with you. Before any other, then Shirley Glass. But HIM read and discuss, not you.

Hi OP, I also had OW in my life for 2 years. Welcome to the hall of Hell. You are right, nothing will ever be the same again. It will be interesting to see what he says/does.

If you stay together be prepared to spend years of your life living in a paranoid state of checking emails, phones, bank statements, his whereabouts etc etc.

I did that and then realised I valued my own peace of mind too much and got rid. Never looked back.

You are literally saying I am not enough for you but I can accept that. It destroys your self worth.

Ruby and Noddy, I don't do any of those things. He can do what the hell he likes, because his behaviour does not determine my worth. I did not cause him, I cannot control him and I cannot cure him.

I am currently choosing to stay because it suits me whilst I get my own life/education/career together, and also because more than one of my children have asked me not to split up (I notice they do not talk to him).

I accept that I will not get the love and appreciation I hoped for in this life. I accept that for complicated reasons of my own, I chose an immature unformed person to share my life with. My bad, and all I can do is move forward work on my self, love my children and try to be a good mother and a good person, and take one day at a time.

Same here - I do not check his phone/emails etc. There is no point as if he wants to cheat, he will find a way.

The best way for him to stop cheating is for him to work on his boundaries, issues and character failings. That is why I recommended individual therapy.

Hi, thanks for all the advice. I will order the book, he says he'll read it/ do anything it takes to try and retore my faith in him. Whether that,s possible I don't know but I will wait and see. He wants us to go to counselling together which I will do although I do believe he is the one with the relevant 'issues', maybe this is what will come out and he can do some individual stuff afterwards. He spent 2 hrs with the OWs H talking last night so now ( hopefully, ) 3 of us are completelyin the picture( the OW sounds tbh a bit unstable and her H was prob in a worse position than me as he wasn't told the half of it.) can't go into detail now.
Feeling slightly more human today despite staying up til 2am after we'd talked and drinking best part of a bottle of wine- better knock that on the head, slippery slope and all that!