Is there life after adultery?

[Luckystar96]

'Adultery' sounds v old fashioned word for it but I have realised that I have such strong morals that that is only word for it.
I found out for sure last week and H has admitted to it all (of course he had to seeing as I had hard evidence in emails that he and OW sent and her H extracted from her Pc) her H was the one who told me and we are now in contact.
It was for 2 yrs, but finished 7 mnths ago( only cz he realised the OW's H was probably in the know.
He has now ( I think) told me everything and he's been crying all weekend over how much he's hurt me etc etc.and it was purely for sex .i know THAT is true and I do think he's genuinely sorry and wants to rebuild our marriage, he's even going to see OW's H to tell him the truth as the OW seems to mucking everyone about with her lies.
Trouble is, whatever he does or says from here on the fact remains he has lied and lied and planned their meetings meticulously and would STILL BE DOING IT IF THEY HADN'T BEEN FOUND OUT
How can I carry on in this marriage? he's changed everything and life together can never be how it was.
I always said I would split up if this ever happened and he knew that. I can't get my head around the fact he would gamble our marriage, 2 kids and our future.
Feel so mixed up, swinging between throwing him out and making ago of it, it's like being on a horrible fairground ride you cant get off.

Yes, going to marriage counselling will be useful but I would do that at a later stage when or if you feel ready to start again with your marriage. It will help you both look at the vulnerabilities in your relationship.

I believe it would be better for him to get the individual help first and then, only after he has committed to that and you see positive benefits from it, should you consider marriage (joint) counselling

Please don't go down the path of demonising the OW. She was stable enough for your H to conduct a relationship with for 18 months.

It is only now he had been found out that he is being so lovely and helpful. What a great guy!

After 18 months she may be very very upset lrightly or wrongly) that your H dropped her like a hot rock as soon as there was a danger of being found out.

It may only have been sex to your H (now) who knows what he told/promised her.

Gone downhill since my last post. I can't see how I can carry on with marriage. I love him deep down but this is too much to get over. I accept our relationship wasn't perfect and I couldve opened up more- he always says I'm closed and cold but I'm not the type to talk about every emotion, I tend to just get on with things. the trouble is he IS like that, so we're very different in that respect, I actually think he's high maintenance in regards to emotional needs, and I wasn't prepared/ didn't have the energy to feed that need all the time. I have health problems and kids and struggle to do the basic things most days and there just isn't the energy left over for him. We all feel taken for granted at times don't we?
Even if he totally 'gets' what he's done to me, even if he feels total remorse, even if he's the best husband in the world, I don't feel I can live with what he did.
I worry that if I continue with marriage, I will have compromised my true self and that will change me for the worse.
Sorry about rambling, just needed to get it out. :(

Its such a rollercoaster isn't it.

It sounds like he is putting the blame on you instead of taking full responsibility.

You did not make him have an affair.

You are only 50% responsible for the relationship - did he put in the effort, time and energy in it as well? I bet he didn't given what you have said about him being high maintenance.

If I were you, I would see a solicitor to find out what I am entitled to - some offer free half hour consultations. This may help you with your decision making.

I agree with what choc said

However, I don't see you as having gone "downhill" per se. I see you as seeing realistically what you have left after he has wrecked it as not being worth your effort and your mental/physical health. There is nothing wrong with that. Many people don't get past soemthing like this, and understand that they never could.

It's OK to realise that for yourself and go forward accordingly. You are not obliged to stay with him if you don't want to.

Another crying man. Jesus Christ.

He is crying for effect. It makes him look really sorry as well as sound it.

I think it's worse when someone says it's just for sex. That's complete bullshit. Sex is just an act which for a man can be achieved with your hand! It is about feeling wanted, feeling desired, having a women be interested in you, taking you back the days when your life was exciting and not full of dreary domestic chores and kids. The sex is just the act that brings all this together.

I got over my wife's affair by leaving her and it was the best decision I have ever made. I completely changed as a person, grew more confident and eventually remarried someone who was less demanding and more appreciative of me.

If you choose to stay together the next few years will be hell and you will never trust him again.

I know you havent said it but All this "he was the one" etc that people say is crap. He was one of potentially one of many and there are better people out there than your errant husband. It's not compulsory to stay with a cheat and your children will cope if you move on. Stay friendly for their sake by all means but don't compromise your happiness for that reason alone.

maleview, I appreciate your comments and I know you're right. I have realised it was more than just for sex and that makes it worse really. Its so confusing at the moment. Did you have children with your ex? I think theyre the only thing stopping me ending it right now.( the marriage that is , I'm not suicidal or anything, I promise). A breakup would be so different if we didn't have kids.

Brilliant post Maleview.

I notice that you accurately describe it - as still being all about him!

I am not angry with 'my' OW any more. She got screwed as comprehensively as I did.

Yup Luckystar, its the kids. I wouldn't wish this place on my worst enemy.

Yes I do have a child with my ex who is now 19. We split care and never lost sight of what was important and that was his well being and happiness. He wa 18 last year and we all went out for a meal with our respective spouses, by each others kids presents at Xmas etc and maintain an amicable friendship. The first few years were the trickiest as new partners etc came on the scene but it is doable.

The deal breaker for me was living with/sleeping with/eating with/breathing the same air with a man who systematically lied and lied and lied and lied again. No amount of his tears could wipe that out.

Even now I don't know the full story as he 'couldn't remember the first time he had sex with her' and my divorce lawyer gave me some good advice..

"Draw a line under it and stop torturing yourself with the need to know, he is a proven liar and the last thing you need in your head at the moment is even more of his lies".

maleview you speak much sense on these threads