3 months on after dp confessed infidelities, still haven't cried, will I ever? We are still together

[Looksgoodingravy]

Ok trying to be brief, dp met up with three other ladies last yr whom he'd known through school, chatting on fb became texting became meet ups became sexual (oral) with one of them. After I'd found out and told him to pack his bags he was devastated, ended up in hospital (thought he was having a heart attack at work) turns out it was a panic attack (I knew this would be the case) he cried, begged and pleaded for me to give him another chance, deleted all three of them from fb, numbers deleted, told me things I didn't know (I didn't know about one of them who he shared a kiss with) but he volunteered this information so I have to believe that he's told me everything.

Relate told us it was a 'look at me' 'affair' if you like, I don't really class what he did has an affair, I class an affair as a relationship with one person over a period of time, I suppose I just class what he did as an infidelity, breaking of trust is the biggest thing I've had to come to terms with, the lies mostly hurt the most rather than the acts themselves.

To get to the point, I was so very angry when I found out, I couldn't function properly for over a week initially, didn't eat, couldn't sleep, I thought my head was going to explode but throughout all of this I haven't been able to cry. Will I ever? We are still together and tbh things are ok, we've talked more than we ever have, we feel closer some how, long term who knows, I don't think about it every second of the day now, I have angry moments but it doesn't take over me like it did, I feel like I'm maybe in the 'lull' of it all and that at any moment the enormity of the situation will hit me and I'll crumble.

Can anyone who's been through this offer words of wisdom.

You sound more of a practical, rational person rather than an emotional one? You're probably still in shock but trying to offset the anger, the drama of his hospital visit & promises of reform against a more pragmatic wish to keep the relationship together. That's pretty normal and, if you are able to rationalise what happened in a way that you find satisfying, there's no reason why you shouldn't be able to carry on as a couple

But do be prepared for an 'enormity of the situation' moment. You're in a kind of honeymoon period where he is obviously on best behaviour and making a big effort to get back in your good books. But he will slip up. He may not be so blatant as to meet old school pals for blow-jobs via Facebook any more, but he will do something else minor that pisses you off and your suppressed rage will surface.

Thanks for replying Cogito.

I can be quite emotional or have been in the past at least, I don't know what makes this situation different than anything I've encountered in the past, it is like a bereavement, grieving our old relationship or what I thought it was, what I thought dp was.

You're right in respect of it feeling like a honeymoon period at the moment and he is making a big effort and I've no doubt that one little slip may shake the fragile bond we've now built, I think anger is still prominent when I think of what has happened mixed with sadness really.

It is sad. Because you can't trust him again and you'll always have those quiet moments when memories pop into your head or some TV plot-line has you looking at each other awkwardly. It's the fact that one little slip can bring it all crashing down that makes relationships so rocky in this situation. The reslience has gone.

What is he doing to help you recover?

How is he taking responsibility for making these choices?

The fact that he volunteered information is a huge plus to me.

Keep going to Relate. Work on what you learn there.

MadAbout - Dp has given me access to everything, passwords etc he's even put the 'find my iphone' App on my phone so that when he's out and about I can track his movements (feel grubby about this tbh), he deleted all three women along with their numbers from fb and his phone and also blocked them on fb, he's changed his mobile number and destroyed the old sim card in front of me. He's trying more at home. He's acknowledged how things progressed, even though it's combination of things and situations which led to the infidelities. He's answered all of my questions and I needed to know everything, every last awful detail and I believe he's told me everything.

Abit - we did go to Relate, we initially saw a counsellor immediately but were then put on a waiting list for two months by which time we had talked more than we ever have, once we got to see the counsellor for our 'proper' chat she said that she wouldn't need to see us again as we were on the right track and that we would be wasting our money going back, tbh she focused on the relationship rather than dp, it was good to talk to a person outside of the box though and it's something we needed to do even though we initially thought is it worth going after two months of waiting, I am however due to see a counsellor myself at my own gp's just for me.

Thing is, infidelity doesn't have to be devastating. There are plenty of people to whom it really isn;t that big a deal, and if you are one of those, trying to force yourself to feel world-shattering anguish is not going to do you or your marriage any good.

Some people go on about all infidelity 'following a script' - tbh this is bullshit as people are very different in their feelings and attitudes towards monogamy and/or the breaching of it. How you feel is how you feel. It's OK. You needn't try to be something you're not just to fit a mundane heteronormative idea of how you should be feeling.

Solid - don't get me wrong I am totally devastated by dp actions, I'm just angry, so angry, it's the betrayal of trust which takes years to build which has been shattered. I think to me it's the sense knowing that my instincts were right last year and I wasn't cracking up.

And he knows that this is last chance saloon.

Have you come across the five stages of grief defined by Elisabeth Kübler Ross? Seminal piece of research, the five stages are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. It started out being about bereavement but she expanded it to include 'any catastrophic form of personal loss' (that's from Wikipedia). You're still in the anger phase and I think how long you spend in each phase probably depends on your personality.

No SGB you are twisting 'the script' thing.

No one 'goes on about' affairs following a script, but about people who are covering up an affair following a script. That's a very different thing. The denying, blaming, gaslighting, 'I'm not in love with you' or 'I never loved you' from these people is astonishingly similar and predictable.

Most people, OP included, are devastated when their OH has an affair. She is not saying 'why don't I care?'. She is saying 'Why am I so numb? How do I let my feelings out'.

tbh, I don't think I would cry if my H were to do this

although, who knows ?

I expect we can all expect the unexpected in these situations

I am sorry he did this to you, OP. You are perfectly justified in feeling very angry indeed. Did he get all the correct STI checks, btw ? Have you ?

Dashing - I've not come across this but I now recall the Relate counsellor saying about the dips and that I may become depressed later.

Proud - you hit the nail on the head.

What about:

Checking for STIs

Putting up boundaries with regards to behaviour with women in general

Reading (e,g SHirley Glass's Not Just Friends and Linda MacDonald's How to Help your Spouse Heal)

Going to therapy to look at his own issues and try to understand what was in him that he thought cheating was the solution

Addressing his own character failings that led to his cheating e.g selfishness

Any - Yes in fact I had to go to gp's recently for a water infection and also asked to see one of the counsellors situated there, when I explained to the gp the reasons behind this she asked me to have a clymidia (sp) check (even though dp has stated that sexual intercourse didn't take place) I did and this came back clear. Dp hasn't been for any checks, perhaps I should insist.

Madabout- forgot about Shirley Glass, yes have read this and read out extracts to dp, we have formed boundaries and about what is acceptable with women outside of our relationship, we've talked and talked. Need to discuss him seeking therapy.

Yes you should insist.

I had repeated attacks of cystitis when my H had his affair - I am convinced this is the reason as these came out of the blue and have since stopped. No STIs were found though.

Sounds like you both are doing many of the things recommended for recovery.

Sometimes lack of emotion could be indifference - it may be best to end the marriage

Or do you think you may be depressed?

Just because you made the decision to stay together does not mean you can't change your mind.

Sorry to keep coming back - I hope you are looking at this as an opportunity to invest in yourself.

Hobbies, friends, work, training etc - its time to put yourself first

Madabout - it's possible that I did most of my crying last year when I suspected things weren't right, I do want this to work and it's possible the crying will happen later, if ever. I think knowing that when I approached dp last year and he lied to my face (so convincingly) and yet deep down I knew things weren't ok, that I WAS right and things WEREN'T right, it's possible that's what's at the forefront of my mind right now hence the anger.

I've begun to do more things for me and I'm working on my self esteem.

Don't get me wrong my anger has diminished some what, I'm not as bad as when I first found out and even then I was so angry I could hardly talk, used my car time to let off steam as couldn't argue in front of ds who's only 5, so I used to scream extremely loudly in my car on my way back from a friends house when I initially found out, well screamed and shouted.

I was livid too so can understand your anger.

In my case its probably cos my self esteem was good (it took some knocking down afterwards once the anger worn off) and I wasn't going to be the little woman standing by her man.

I cried a lot when he said he wasn't in love with me anymore (before I found out about the affair) and I have had a few tears since then but no sob fests (which are not me anyway).

Looksgoodingravy, I wonder if its helping that you know full intercourse didn't happen? In my case I know it did (twice but on one occasion) all the other times there was just the other stuff etc. I can't stand the idea of even kissing him now.
Also, my h is being v open about everything and trying really hard to rebuild things with me , I think if I thought he was hiding anything at all then I would feel much worse.
You don't say how long you've known. I didn't cry for a few days but now the floodgates have opened.
Actually I feel better having been on mn today and talking it out, (kind of)

Of course he should have an STI test ! Although if you have since had unprotected sex with him, I am afraid that horse may well have bolted.

You only have the word of a proven liar that there wasn't more than oral sex (which of course carries risks of it's own)

Lucky - I was told the full story at the end of March and although knowing full intercourse didn't take place is easier it's really the lies and deceit which hurts more, the fact I confronted dp and he looked me in the eye and denied there was anything going on, that's the killer even though I've exhausted myself asking question after question, that's me though a 'need to know everything' kind of girl. I had such a lot going on last year that I think all my emotion's been used up. I hope you are ok, welcome to the roller coaster ride.

Any - yes you're right, I'm now living with a proven liar, it's bloody hard.