3 months on after dp confessed infidelities, still haven't cried, will I ever? We are still together

[Looksgoodingravy]

Ok trying to be brief, dp met up with three other ladies last yr whom he'd known through school, chatting on fb became texting became meet ups became sexual (oral) with one of them. After I'd found out and told him to pack his bags he was devastated, ended up in hospital (thought he was having a heart attack at work) turns out it was a panic attack (I knew this would be the case) he cried, begged and pleaded for me to give him another chance, deleted all three of them from fb, numbers deleted, told me things I didn't know (I didn't know about one of them who he shared a kiss with) but he volunteered this information so I have to believe that he's told me everything.

Relate told us it was a 'look at me' 'affair' if you like, I don't really class what he did has an affair, I class an affair as a relationship with one person over a period of time, I suppose I just class what he did as an infidelity, breaking of trust is the biggest thing I've had to come to terms with, the lies mostly hurt the most rather than the acts themselves.

To get to the point, I was so very angry when I found out, I couldn't function properly for over a week initially, didn't eat, couldn't sleep, I thought my head was going to explode but throughout all of this I haven't been able to cry. Will I ever? We are still together and tbh things are ok, we've talked more than we ever have, we feel closer some how, long term who knows, I don't think about it every second of the day now, I have angry moments but it doesn't take over me like it did, I feel like I'm maybe in the 'lull' of it all and that at any moment the enormity of the situation will hit me and I'll crumble.

Can anyone who's been through this offer words of wisdom.

You don't have to love, it's not compulsory

I think you're still in 'fight' mode and living on the adrenaline that comes with it. It's nature's way of anaesthetising us to pain. A lot of people in your situation experience this, but it's usually just an initial phase that then gives way to other emotions. Many people go on to feel sadness and depression when the crisis is over and a semblance of normality has returned, so it's advisable to get some individual counselling as soon as you're aware you've entered that phase.

Because this is a recognised and familiar process, it's best to suspend any definite decisions about the future of your relationship just yet and to tell your partner that he will have to get used to living with uncertainty about the future.

Thanks Sternface, I mostly feel anger when I'm on my own and have time to reflect, I also feel lost wondering what the future holds. When I'm with dp at the moment there is some kind of return to normality, he was the one who cried and boy did he cry and he's not somebody who shows his emotions easy so I know that this was genuine, I think it's possible that I actually felt in control for the first time in a long time when he was the one who was showing how devastated he was by his actions, this is possibly how I'm coping (I think) I'm now the one in control rather than wondering wtf is going on.

I'm due to see a counsellor by myself in July.

Sometimes though the unfaithful person's tears are very self-indulgent and are often about their potential losses and are not an expression of genuine sadness about the hurt that has been inflicted on one's partner. While this display of self-pity is going on, it can have the effect of stunting the other person's feelings being allowed to come through. Wailing and crying about what a mess everything is can also be a useful diversion from dealing with the real issues.

Be rather circumspect about what those tears are actually about right now and suspend any decisions until you've got your own space to process your own thoughts.

I don't think these are 'Look at Me' affairs incidentally. I do think your partner is likely to be a porn fan though.

The tears came in the beginning, 3 months on and there's no more tears, agree with you about some of those tears possibly being self-indulgent, not all but some. I wanted him gone when I first found out, it was extremely emotional those first few weeks, he does know that we are taking one day at a time and that I will be riding this roller coaster of emotions for some time yet. I just want that comfortable feeling back, I've been with him for 17 years and I do still love him, never would have thought I would be the kind of person who would still be here after all he has done but there you go.

Dp does like to watch porn occasionally, tbh I don't have an issue with porn but just curious what made you think he was likely a porn fan?

Aren't most men porn fans? Seriously, I always presumed pretty much all men looked at porn??? Or Is it just the ones I've met?

Because an increasing amount of affairs are linked to a secret porn habit and because infidelities with three different women suggest that this wasn't about the women themselves as sentient and feeling human beings, but as objects with whom to enact fantasies.

I'm sorry you don't have an issue with porn. I hope that's a decision based on all the facts about the industry and what are possibly links to what's happened in your own relationship.

No not all men look at porn LuckyStar96. That's a myth.

Stern - I'll leave porn as a side issue for now, that's a whole other debate and I know one which can get heated. I do appreciate your take on things, I'm still not sure I fully 'get' why dp did what he did. All of these women he had known from childhood, they weren't strangers, they met up again via fb and then opportunity arose which led him down three paths, I could understand more I suppose if they were strangers with regards to the porn aspect...I don't know, I'm still trying to find answers myself.

Dittany - I believe he didn't have intercourse, he gave me free rein to contact the ow, two of which I did and I didn't even know about one of them, this info was given freely, I possibly still wouldn't know to this day, who knows. Dp as a person, selfish yes, at times very, manipulative no. Good points, I still love him for starters, he's a great father, he makes me laugh (even now), I'm trying my hardest to add to this list but I am still numb I suppose, he's trying, he's been very open about everything and he's not lost patience with all the questioning.
Financially I'd be due half of the equity on the house.

You say you are rather enjoying having the "control" or "upper hand" in your relationship right now. That is very short-sighted and the situation very elusive I am afraid. You saw his tears as supplication and remorse, I see them as manipulation.

When the dust settles, and you are supposed to have "got over it", you will feel this "upper hand" or "advantage" of his pretend-sorrow slipping away and may well think "is this it? Back to normal ? He gets away with it, and we are back to square one?"

Unless he properly addresses (with professional help) the reasons why he gave himself permission to direspect not only you, but a variety of other women, you are going to always have that nasty taste of ashes in your mouth when that "control" you feel now is but a distant memory.

Any counsellor worth their salt would not be viewing his porn use as a "side issue", believe me

I agree re the porn link.

It was certainly a link in my H's affair. The secret porn use made it easier for him to have an affair. OW was an old school friend who got into touch after an absence of some years. They communicated a lot via FB and texts so quite similar to your H's modus operandi.