Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Need new baby/mil advice

26 replies

googietheegg · 20/06/2012 08:33

We have a new baby and mil has come to visit - she has already given more 'advice' in 5 hours than my mother did in a week. When the baby cries and I pick her up or talk to her, she says I should leave her and she just talks louder about whatever she was talking about before, as though the baby is an inconvenience.

I also don't like how she holds the baby, but I accept that's me being pfb.

Most annoying thing is that she's here to meet her granddaughter but is just talking and talking about everyone/thing other than the baby - shops in her village, choir etc. I know she has her own life but this is the first visit!

Any more advice on getting through the week than 'smile and nod' as it's just not enough!!

OP posts:

WipsGlitter · 20/06/2012 08:37

How long is she there for?

sugarandspite · 20/06/2012 08:39

Take the baby and go up to bed for a nap and a feed/cuddle.

Do this hourly if needs be. After all labour and a new baby are tiring. And while you and the baby are resting she might as well get on with a bit of hoovering for you, after all I bet she is supposed to be there 'helping' you!

sugarandspite · 20/06/2012 08:41

italics fail. Doh

Bossybritches22 · 20/06/2012 08:44

Make a to-do list every day, say its for both of you but make sure she does nearly all of it....

"as its so nice to have help to do these things while I bond with baby"

Get you DH/DP to Have Words if it continues.

Congratualtions BTW-enjoy your PFB & don't let the old bat spoil those precious first days !

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 20/06/2012 08:44

You could also keep 'fancying' random food items that you don't have in the house and asking her if she'd mind popping out to get you some...!

Original poster

googietheegg · 20/06/2012 09:49

Thanks all. Any suggestions on what to say when yet another sentence starts with 'you should...'??

OP posts:

oldwomaninashoe · 20/06/2012 10:01

Just smile and say, "yesssssss I will try that, I hadn't thought of that" you can also add such comments as "That's a good idea" and "I would never have thought of that", then give her a shopping list and the hoover!

squeakytoy · 20/06/2012 10:18

she has already given more 'advice' in 5 hours than my mother did in a week

Most annoying thing is that she's here to meet her granddaughter but is just talking and talking about everyone/thing other than the baby

aw come on, make your mind up! :)

to be fair, she cant really have a conversation with the baby, and you clearly dont want her advice on baby related matters..

as for the poster who called her an "old bat".. nice.. .. the woman could be in her 40's for all we know!

OP, give her things to help out with around the house, and if you are up to it, go for a walk, let her push the pram, get back and then tell her you are so tired now that you need a lay down..

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 20/06/2012 10:48

If you're feeling bitchy:
'Wow. I didn't think anyone actually did that for real. They used to give such dangerous advice, didn't they?'

Otherwise how about:
' That's a good idea, i'll bear that in mind for next time she does x. Would you mind terribly making me a cup of tea?'

julienoshoes · 20/06/2012 12:14

'you should...'

"Yes I have heard that approach is taken by other people.....
would you mind putting the kettle on please......"

hollie25 · 20/06/2012 12:20

Any suggestions on what to say when yet another sentence starts with 'you should...'??

My advice would be to listen to her and thank her for her advice. She will be an important part of your DC?s life and I thinks she probably does have the best intentions and perhaps by talking about other things she is trying to bond with you more.

But if you are (understandably) driven to it

That?s an interesting idea although experts say??.
Thank you for telling me that, but this is the way I want to do it.
Thanks! I'll keep that in mind if my way doesn?t work.

(And as a last resort)

I appreciate your advice but please recognize that this is my turn now, You've had your children and brought them up how you want to - but now I'm going to do what I think is right and whether you agree or not I would appreciate your support.

AdmiralBenson · 20/06/2012 12:33

I had a similar situation with my MIL. Her intentions were good but I didn't feel like I needed any advice. I always acted like I was completely confident even if inside I was going "erm ... what the feck is going on HERE?"

I think you just need to reply with bland, general statements like "thanks, but she's ok/this is fine/I've got it covered," you can't really argue with that. Don't get into the hows and wherefores, you'll only start niggling over details.

I found the hardest part was when the baby was crying, I was methodically doing one thing after another trying to sort it out (nappy? sleep? feed?) and there was someone in the background going "Maybe you should..." in those situations I would remove myself from the room and say "we need a rest/feed/etc" and take yourself off to your bedroom to sort it out.

Good luck. Congrats on your lovely new baby!

Original poster

googietheegg · 20/06/2012 16:03

Thanks all. Classic comment this afternoon - 'don't worry about lunch; I'll get my own' - thanks for saving me a job I didn't even know I had!!

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/06/2012 07:39

Best thing to repel unwanted advice is to look like you know what you're doing. Then say 'I know what I'm doing' and change the subject to something else. If you look hesitant or unsure, an experienced mum will see that as a cue to chip in with tips. As for talking about other things, talking about new babies can get really boring really quickly so it's good that MIL is making conversation.

As for lunch. She's a guest in your home so it would be normal to assume you, as host, would put some lunch together. If she can see you're too busy it would have been nicer to say 'shall I make us both some lunch?' If she says 'I'll get my own'... ask her to make you something while she's at it.

Assertiveness required, not taking offence at every tiny thing.

JohFlow · 21/06/2012 16:01

How about shove off you know-all pain in the ass. lol (wouldn't that be fun!)

DuelingFanjo · 21/06/2012 16:04

do what you think is best. When she says 'you shouldn't' just say 'no - I am doing it this way, it's what I prefer' and 'things are very different these days, do you want me to give you some stuff to read to help you update?'

Minty82 · 21/06/2012 16:11

CogitoErgoSometimes it's not that normal to assume the mother of a new baby will make lunch for you! I don't think I made a meal for the first six weeks...

stifnstav · 21/06/2012 16:12

Cogito, I don't think that its normal to assume that a new mum with a brand new baby is going to make lunch for you when you visit!

I would think the opposite is true; if you go to stay it is to help the new mum around the house whilst she takes care of the baby (and maybe even gets half a chance to look after herself in the process).

Can I come to stay with you if you have a baby? I'd love for you to be my host. Mine is a coffee, milk, no sugar and I'd like a chicken mayo sandwich please while you're at it. And can you shush that baby while I tell you about my local choir?

stifnstav · 21/06/2012 16:17

OP, I have perfected a look of astonishment/shock when I get the DM/DMIL offering advice, which often contradicts the other.

Plus a quick intake of breath shows what I think of their 30-35 year old advice.

I might lock them in a room together and ask them to battle it out to decide whether dummies are ok, whether a 9 week old needs a rusk, whether a wet nappy needs changing immediately or hours later, whether DS is too hot or too cold. It could end up being a hell of a fight and I would still probably ignore the winner.

Xales · 21/06/2012 17:45

I know it isn't funny to you but lol at some of the replies.

How about a really sharp intake of breath followed by 'wow did they really recommend that xx (as many years as dp is old) years ago!! That is completely contradicted by the WHO now/for the last xx-1 years'

hairytale · 21/06/2012 19:47

"no, were not doing that" while looking straight in her eyes.

Original poster

googietheegg · 21/06/2012 21:04

Good advice ladies! I think the 'that's not what's advised now' type line is good. Today's gem was being laughed at when I asked her (v nicely) to wash her hands after going to the supermarket and then sneezing into them before holding the baby!!!

OP posts:

stifnstav · 22/06/2012 20:23

I keep accidentally sneezing on the baby, usually when I've got him in my arms and have no free hand to grab a tissue. He hasn't melted/imploded yet though.

Original poster

googietheegg · 27/06/2012 09:03

So mil has now left. I'm feeling like such an idiot for 'rising above it' and not making a scene when she said yet another hurtful thing. Husband doesn't want to talk about it as he's understandably defensive of her and says I should just move on.
But, some of the comments are going round and round my head, along with what I wish I'd said. I feel unsupported by my Dh who just thinks ive changed after having a baby, but really the change is how clumsy and cruel his mum was with me and how that affected her week here.
She didn't say one encouraging thing to me, just did the whole 'I know best' thing. She told me I was making the baby worse because I was tense - nothing to do with the fact that she said Sshe was here to help but just sat reading for a whole week and critising me. It's like she wanted the baby to be her's and my dh's iyswim - very odd.
How do I move on from this?

OP posts:

somedayillbesaturdaynite · 27/06/2012 09:08

give her a naice notebook and ask her to write her tips in it as your baby-brain wont remember all the 'useful' info? ;)

also the lunch thing, "oh thanks would you mind makng me a sarnie/picking me something up as well?"

Flip

1 2