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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

does anyone else ever resent OH freedom?

35 replies

mummy349 · 19/06/2012 22:40

Coz I do! This mood has started as OH is yet again at the pub, with hes brother and girlfriend, and another friend...but where am i? Yup at home looking after LO yet again while everyone goes out and has fun!

He goes to the pub about 3 times a week after work, plus does the gym in the morning and will find any excuse to get some time to himself. I understand he needs time for him, but where is my time??

I feel completly responisble for out LO, I do 99% of nappy changes, I cook all hes meals, wash all hes clothes, play with him..basically do everything! When hes around he will always find some excuse not to do anything and sit around playing with hes phone. I can literally count on my hand the amount of time he had looked after LO for me. Everything is down to me, including very important decisions i.e what nursery he should go to. Is it that hard to have a lil bot of support for once!

If I try and approach the subject of can I have some support please, can u plz not go to the gym this morning and let me rest for an hour and u spend some quality time with LO, I get brandeed a nag and 'all my mates think ur nuts and too possesive' I just feel like hea frigging maid and I dont ever get to do anything for myself. I want just a couple hours a week to myself, where I can be myself not just mother and doormat, IFLSWIM?

im sorry this turned into a full scale rant!! Basically does anyone else ever resent the amount on free time ur OH gets?

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 19/06/2012 22:45

I wanted to write a really long reply.

But your husband is a dick.

Not only is he selfish, a man child and abusive, by actually questioning your mental health. I'd be surprised if he wasn't shagging elsewhere.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 19/06/2012 22:45

I could have written your post :(

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/06/2012 22:46

Never mind other people's partners.... yours sounds like a complete tit. Abusive, selfish, irresponsible and inconsiderate. 'Can I have some support please' is far too submissive and deferential. Stand up for yourself and refuse to be a doormat. The phrase you're looking for is 'shape up or ship out'.

Longtalljosie · 19/06/2012 22:47

Blimey he is taking the piss, isn't he? How old is your DS?

solidgoldbrass · 19/06/2012 22:51

Both partners in a family should get the same amount of free time (that is, time spent without doing chores or childcare, time spent doing stuff that's just for you). Put it to your H in these terms. If he kicks up, ask him why he thinks he is the only person entitled to leisure time. His answer will give you an indication as to how he thinks of you, which, unfortunately is likely to be as a household appliance he can have sex on.
If he won't change his attitude, start making plans to leave or throw him out, depending on housing and finances.

Twiggy71 · 19/06/2012 22:52

Yes stand up for yourself now as things will just carry on the way they are now and you will get increasing more resentful
He is a parent too and needs to do his fair share he is being selfish and disrespectful to you...

Original poster
mummy349 · 19/06/2012 22:53

I do try ans stand up for myslelf and have done the fix up or fudge off speach, but he never listens!
All I want is him to give me some respect, like today I was so tired even walking across the living room ached my legs, but he was I gave u 5 minutes nap I want one now..take a hint and take our son out for an hour!
when he wants to he can be absolutly fantastic with out LO but why cant he be like that all the time!!
All I want is equal partnership. I get that I am a SAHM so more of the household work falls on me, but I seriously feel he is taking the piss a bit. Argh, sorry everyone for my ramblings but I need to vent it out somewhere before I explode!

OP posts:
Shakey1500 · 19/06/2012 22:56

I used to feel like this. Then after DH had gone on yet another "jolly" to London for the weekend I'd had enough. I booked a train ticket for myself for the following weeked, told DH when he got back.

Train ticket- £60
Wine, meal, theatre- £150
The look on Dh's face when I told him that what was good for the goose....

Fucking priceless Grin

Houseofplain · 19/06/2012 22:57

Yes love but you don't stand up for yourself. You say you do the fix up or fudge off speech.

So he ignores you, continues to take the piss, mock you to his friends, and use you as a doormat. As you've told him to fudge off, but you don't action it, so that's his passport to continue.

He won't change unless you say it and MEAN it. Then if he carries on, you ACTION it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/06/2012 23:07

He is not 'taking the piss a bit' he is shitting on you from a great height OP. Issuing orders, calling you names, refusing to help, ignoring you ... I think your relationship is well inside the definition of abusive and rather than 'venting' you should be making plans to get yourself and your baby out. He won't change

Original poster
mummy349 · 19/06/2012 23:23

Ive just called him to c where he is and I get this:
Lo has been coughing hes poor lil lungs up all night so I told him hes son is sick
Yea ok im just sitting on a bench at the top of the road, when I stop sneezing ill be home to check on him.
yet again its all about him! Uve got hayfever wooopdifuckingdo, get home!
does he actually not give a crap or is he that self absorbed!!

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 19/06/2012 23:27

He's shagging someone else. Or he just wants to be anywhere but with you, I'd lock the fucker out, he's not going to change. You know that right?

Original poster
mummy349 · 19/06/2012 23:30

Hes not sleeping with someone else, hes just very very selfish! I know I cant change him, I just needed a rant as it getting me down recently :-(

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 19/06/2012 23:32

What's ranting going to do? He's going to get worse, he's going to drag you down, more, and more and more. Really affecting your mental health.

As you make threats and rant away, but don't do anything, so he carries on :( rant way, but he's never going to change, is this what you really want?

Original poster
mummy349 · 19/06/2012 23:45

Hes on another one of hes drunken religios rants ( he only ever does this when very drunk) and it scares me.
sorry dont mean to burden u with my problems, but im worried

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 19/06/2012 23:49

If you know he's never going to change, why do you want to stay with him?

Do you seriously want to live like this for the rest of your life?

Do you think your son will ever treat you with respect, if your partner doesn't?

Houseofplain · 19/06/2012 23:51

I think sweetie, he is projecting his mental health problems onto you....

Religious rants? He sounds fucking nuts. Drunk all the time? Abusive? Never at home? He sounds potentially dangerous, you are scared.

You need to leave him, really, get him out. For your dc's sake.

Houseofplain · 19/06/2012 23:51

Oh and if he really is scaring you that much, call the police ASAP.

Original poster
mummy349 · 20/06/2012 00:18

Im not scared as in I need to call the police, he just rambles on when hes drunk that he is better than anyone, im just sick of it and I want him to frig off!
Op or post about him pushing hes mental health issues onto me had really made me think.
he needs help but im not the one to do it!

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 20/06/2012 01:06

You need to get rid of him, then. It's OK TO DO THIS. The world will not end. You are not obliged to carry on servicing a male parasite/abuser. Start working out your escape from him tomorrow: whose name is your home in? Are you actually married? If so there is a good chance of being able to put him out of the house, continue living there and have a claim on his income as the mother of his children: a court will prefer the children to carry on living in the family home with their primary carer, which is you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/06/2012 07:21

"when he wants to he can be absolutly fantastic with out LO "

But when the child is sick he makes pathetic excuses rather than care for him? How selfish. This man is not a good father and, what's worse, as your son grows up he will think that how your husband/partner treats you is the acceptable and normal way to relate to women. If you stick around, your son is likely to grow up treating you badly because he won't know any better.

As you say, you can't change him.

daffydowndilly · 20/06/2012 08:22

My x did this, I spent over 4 years at home with two small children while he was doing whatever he felt like (effectively being a single mother (to two children and an adult-child), then when I started going out some evenings, he would come home to take the children at the last minute or very late (and be angry if I didn't leave the house and go to my class 30 minutes after it started!) and complain they weren't asleep yet, or they would all be awake by time I came home late and the house a tip. Turns out he felt justified at claiming lots of free time ("to decompress") and did not quite understand that I was an equal adult in the relationship. He did the projecting mental health issues on to me too... and that is quite abusive tbh. It is really hard to keep strong when someone tells you you are nuts the whole time. (I was in regular therapy because I was finding the situation/relationship impossible to deal with and even had to ask my therapist about whether I was really crazy as I had heard it so often, and she told me straight that I was completely normal - but I shouldn't have had to ask!!)

Now that he no longer lives with me, the sheer delight at the booked babysitter turning up 5 minutes early, and the children being asleep and the toys cleared when I get home, it is absolutely exhilarating. And most evenings I am sat at home, but there is no stress or mind-games. Bliss. No wondering whether when the x is going to turn up and most likely pissed and resentful.

You can't change him, but just bear in mind the effects on you from all of this. If you were seeing your daughter in this exact relationship, what would you like to say to her?

milkymocha · 20/06/2012 08:28

I feel exactly the same as you do but, its not free time for myself that i want, its family time together Sad

PurityBrown · 20/06/2012 08:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Babylon1 · 20/06/2012 08:35

Stop being his maid then, simples!

Tell him it's time to piss or get off the pot; and mean it. Next time you ask him for support (which you shouldn't have to-it should just be there) and he still goes off to gum/pub/other woman (sorry but I think it's possible) do yourself a favour and pack his bags. Leave them on the doorstep, preferably when it's pissing it down, and leave them there. Dead lock the door, or leave key in so he can't get in. He should get the message loud n clear!