Hi all
This has all become a huge mess, entirely of my own making. And if anyone has any advice/experience I would massively appreciate it.
I've been married 5 years (together 8), no kids. My husband is mostly impotent, so our sex life has never been brilliant. In the early years it was fine because he tried hard in the bedroom, but as time has passed he's stopped trying. After years of me literally begging him to see our GP about it I threatened to leave. He went to the GP about 3 years ago and has been going off and on ever since, but it hasn't improved. He's reluctant to talk to the doc and puts it off, then when he does get the tablets he rarely takes them. I've had a couple of massive meltdowns over it, and afterwards he tries for about a week or two, but then stops. He swears he loves me/fancies me, but he's just lazy and tired. For example, yesterday, after me nagging him for a few months, he went back to the GP and got a prescription for another set of pills, the exact ones that didn't work a year go. It's like he goes because he has to, just to shut me up. In other aspects he is a good husband. We are both self employed with our own busy businesses and quite independent, but he is normally caring and loving, if a bit preoccupied with his own work. I have grown quite resentful of him, if I'm honest and have told him this. He swears he will try harder, but doesn't. I have tried everything I can think of - I put him under no pressure for years, tried all the massages, oils, went to counselling, did everything he wanted and nothing has worked. The GP says the problem is purely psychological, but the psychologist says (apparently) that he just needs pills. But they don't work. Rings don't work. He gets normal erections to the point of penetration and then he either goes soft or immediately ejaculates. He doesn't seem to care, but it kills me.
I recently worked on a project with a guy. I was instantly attracted to him and everyone commented on how well we seemed to work together. We became close friends very quickly and started texting and emailing each other constantly. He's engaged, getting married later this year. At first he went on about me meeting his fiancee, but after a few weeks he stopped mentioning her, and when I asked to meet her he made some comment that she is working non-stop until October. I know that's untrue. We've had a couple of boozy nights out and have flirted dangerously. On the last night I was very drunk and remember being draped over him. Nothing untoward happened, but I would have liked it to.
He blows oddly hot and cold. One minute he's flirting and the next he disappears. Just when I get my head straight and decide that this has to stop, he'll reappear and begin flirting again. But nothing ever really happens, it's all suggestion and flirtation. We have mutual friends and they have told me that his fiancee has started asking questions about why we're so friendly, but his friends all dislike her quite intensely, so I don't know what to believe. I know she commented on something (innocent) I wrote on his FB page with a sarky comment.
We were due to work on another project, but he emailed me and said he thought we might be doing it for the wrong reasons, and maybe we should ease off. So I did, and the contact ceased for a few days but then he came back flirtier than ever.
I'm so confused. There is part of me that thinks he's deliberately keeping me dangling, and then part of me that thinks he's as confused as I am about the whole thing. I wonder if he's just looking for his final fling, or convincing himself he can still pull if he has to. As far as he is concerned I am happily married.
I'm aware that I am vulnerable. I want a man to find me sexually attractive and I really want to go to bed with someone who actually wants to be there with me. It's not like this is the first guy who has shown any interest in me since I've been unhappy in my marriage, a few have, but I've never liked any of them until now.
My instinct says this guy is bad news, but when he calls I find myself running. I know better than that, but there is something about him I don't seem to be able to resist. I've always been straightforward in relationships. I've never played games and always told someone if I like them, but the rules are different here. I almost want to ask him outright if he thinks there is something between us, but I am scared he's playing me and it's all going to be a laugh at my expense. Or he wants out of the marriage and I am a convenient excuse. But there is something nagging me saying there's more to it than that.
I'm bloody confused. I know I should break off all contact with this guy, but I don't want to. How do I make myself? How do I fix things with my husband? I don't know how to make him understand that things are on the verge of collapse when I have tried everything.
I don't know what to do. Any advice, please?