Don't know what to do, married and falling for another guy

[Anonperson2012]

Hi all

This has all become a huge mess, entirely of my own making. And if anyone has any advice/experience I would massively appreciate it.

I've been married 5 years (together 8), no kids. My husband is mostly impotent, so our sex life has never been brilliant. In the early years it was fine because he tried hard in the bedroom, but as time has passed he's stopped trying. After years of me literally begging him to see our GP about it I threatened to leave. He went to the GP about 3 years ago and has been going off and on ever since, but it hasn't improved. He's reluctant to talk to the doc and puts it off, then when he does get the tablets he rarely takes them. I've had a couple of massive meltdowns over it, and afterwards he tries for about a week or two, but then stops. He swears he loves me/fancies me, but he's just lazy and tired. For example, yesterday, after me nagging him for a few months, he went back to the GP and got a prescription for another set of pills, the exact ones that didn't work a year go. It's like he goes because he has to, just to shut me up. In other aspects he is a good husband. We are both self employed with our own busy businesses and quite independent, but he is normally caring and loving, if a bit preoccupied with his own work. I have grown quite resentful of him, if I'm honest and have told him this. He swears he will try harder, but doesn't. I have tried everything I can think of - I put him under no pressure for years, tried all the massages, oils, went to counselling, did everything he wanted and nothing has worked. The GP says the problem is purely psychological, but the psychologist says (apparently) that he just needs pills. But they don't work. Rings don't work. He gets normal erections to the point of penetration and then he either goes soft or immediately ejaculates. He doesn't seem to care, but it kills me.

I recently worked on a project with a guy. I was instantly attracted to him and everyone commented on how well we seemed to work together. We became close friends very quickly and started texting and emailing each other constantly. He's engaged, getting married later this year. At first he went on about me meeting his fiancee, but after a few weeks he stopped mentioning her, and when I asked to meet her he made some comment that she is working non-stop until October. I know that's untrue. We've had a couple of boozy nights out and have flirted dangerously. On the last night I was very drunk and remember being draped over him. Nothing untoward happened, but I would have liked it to.

He blows oddly hot and cold. One minute he's flirting and the next he disappears. Just when I get my head straight and decide that this has to stop, he'll reappear and begin flirting again. But nothing ever really happens, it's all suggestion and flirtation. We have mutual friends and they have told me that his fiancee has started asking questions about why we're so friendly, but his friends all dislike her quite intensely, so I don't know what to believe. I know she commented on something (innocent) I wrote on his FB page with a sarky comment.

We were due to work on another project, but he emailed me and said he thought we might be doing it for the wrong reasons, and maybe we should ease off. So I did, and the contact ceased for a few days but then he came back flirtier than ever.

I'm so confused. There is part of me that thinks he's deliberately keeping me dangling, and then part of me that thinks he's as confused as I am about the whole thing. I wonder if he's just looking for his final fling, or convincing himself he can still pull if he has to. As far as he is concerned I am happily married.

I'm aware that I am vulnerable. I want a man to find me sexually attractive and I really want to go to bed with someone who actually wants to be there with me. It's not like this is the first guy who has shown any interest in me since I've been unhappy in my marriage, a few have, but I've never liked any of them until now.

My instinct says this guy is bad news, but when he calls I find myself running. I know better than that, but there is something about him I don't seem to be able to resist. I've always been straightforward in relationships. I've never played games and always told someone if I like them, but the rules are different here. I almost want to ask him outright if he thinks there is something between us, but I am scared he's playing me and it's all going to be a laugh at my expense. Or he wants out of the marriage and I am a convenient excuse. But there is something nagging me saying there's more to it than that.

I'm bloody confused. I know I should break off all contact with this guy, but I don't want to. How do I make myself? How do I fix things with my husband? I don't know how to make him understand that things are on the verge of collapse when I have tried everything.

I don't know what to do. Any advice, please?

I also agree with SGB - that seems the only way forward. Oh, and keep well away from the other man!

Career, seriously, you took my comment out of context, let's just leave it at that. I'm not sure why you are trying to read something into my words?

Yes, he has destroyed the marriage. But in the real world, someone has to stand up and be a grown up. So op needs to speak to him properly and say, either an open marriage, or he leaves. He cant exect her to be unhappy forever. He would happily keep her in limbo, so she does have to stand up and draw the line in the sand, if she wants to move on. As he won't.

Sorry House its a very sore subject for me. I agree with your last paragraph too. OP i dont think the other guy is the answer. Hes attached (my ex lover wasnt) and hes obviously not ready for marriage to his fiancee if hes flirting madly with you. You dont want to jump straight from one user to another.

That's understandable.

I've been in a similar situation! Years ago dh had erectile problems. To the point that we weren't having sex, he avoided. The more he didn't function the worse the avoidance etc etc.

I completely understand how this makes you consider other people!

I lay the cards on the table with dh. Told him we either get help or I'm off. I meant it. We were only in our 20s.

He went to his gp, very embarrassed etc but he went. We got psychosexual counselling for about 6mths and it turned things around massively.

Sex isn't all about intercourse. We learned how to play . It took the pressure off which over time got dh back to his normal.

The point is, if your dh wanted to, he could do something about it. He's not impotent because he can get an erection and he does come. It is psychological. The psychologist will say he needs to tablets because his self esteem will be making it worse.

You need to tell you dh that you can't live that this. That it's something you are prepared to work on with him but if he does nothing then it's over and you need to mean it. Op doesn't sound all that great tbh. He's not even married yet and already looking elsewhere....not a good sign, stay away from him, he'll confuse things

Saint and Pain the other vow that is involved here is 'to love and to cherish'. That one is soooo overlooked (sore point). When we get married we promise to make the other one feel special. And to be ML to makes you feel loved, desired, cherished. As well as being fun!

So I really hope OP gets his attention big time, by saying [counselling] or [open marriage].

Because as other people are saying, he is avoiding the issue. He must either come clean and say 'I don't want to' or he must try. And if he doesn't want to, he has to give her permission to find what she needs.

Thank you everyone, you are all so generous with your advice and time.

We've been to counselling and it didn't work. Nothing works. To Maleview - I put him under no pressure for 5 years and nothing got better. Don't I have the right to ask him to get help for this? It's his utter lack of care that bothers me most.

I know this other guy is bad news. I need to kick him, but I have to want to and at the moment I don't because he makes me feel attractive and good. I know this is my own fault.

I have to have the open marriage conversation with H. It's either going to shock him into action, or he'll say yes, in which case I have to re-evaluate if this is really what I want.

I just need to get past resenting him, because that will taint everything I feel for him.

OP I think the work guy seems appealing just now because he's keeping you at a distance and so on and it leaves you free to have the romantic fantasy without having to act upon it at the moment. Also it's compulsive because it seems like your only option just now whereas if you were divorced and had plenty of options you'd likely pick a much more suitable and available candidate.

I really feel for you, it's soul destroying being with a spouse who doesn't seem to desire you physically. It sounds like you can't carry on like this forever and tbh you don't sound like an open marriage would necessarily be your choice? (could be wrong) If so you could consider separation/divorce where you could hopefully in the longer term stay on friendly terms with your spouse, especially if there are dcs involved. This would be harder if not impossible if you left because of an affair.

Have you considered counselling (alone) to talk through options and give you some support should you chose to leave the marriage?
good luck op it sounds like you've done everything you can here and its a hard position to be in