Am I missing the point?

[Convicto]

Mumsnet,

Maybe, I am a too serious. Maybe, I taking this the wrong way around.
I`m thinking, I would need new insight in this.

So, I write to you. If you have not noticed yet, I am a guy, I am 22 years old and a bit uncertain about the path that he`s taken. I know that this is a place for woman and that men will easily be shown the door. However, I believe we will hopefully share some convictions.

From a young age, growing up in my culture (the Netherlands), we men are thought, that; Education means money, with money you will have a good life; A good life with involve a house, a car and have a woman and kids. At least, if you want to be one of the "good guys". A good guy will be reserved in his choices to woman, he will keep his distance and respect her, he will not approach her unless otherwise invited (trough signals or what not).

However, me, thinking about life and... what is the purpose; have concluded, that my purpose, if any, should be to have children, a wife and be the as best prepared for this as I can be. I know I wont be the "best dad ever" but I can try the best I can. This comes, mostly, with responsibility, in my humble opinion.

So, I tailor my life to be, responsible. Which is were I am really in doubt if it is still " the right way ". Me thinking; that should I show, any deeper affection for a girl, I should be prepared, in full for what might happen (you know what). As such I am very serious, when it comes to dating.
Yes, I kid around and try to be as charming I think I should be. However I show no illusions about what could come and thus set my standards quite high, I wouldn't want to stand by someone I could not really love. (however, I will, that's the point).
So I am septic, so I avoid girl that I would consider irresponsible.
I know what comes from this, for I am like my dad. He has told me that he was too serious. He found my mother at the age of 40, she was 42.

My mother, who is a great vassal of wisdom in everything that she does, says to me. You should not wait too long, for you will have a woman who already has had... a child. She is the mother of 4, 2 which are from my father, including me.

Now, even though "love conquers all" and I would be prepared to make sacrifices and look the other way, I want my children to be of my blood. The thought of being "2nd chance", makes me feel degraded. So, I should heed my mothers advice and do something about it.

I have no idea what, though. The only thing that this "plan" has never seemed to get is where to find the girl to fit the picture. No, she is not just a "part of the plan", I want a girl who I can admire and who admires me. Whom I can talk with and share. I have no idea where to find her though.

Woman I met, are not like this at all. They drink, they smoke, they have sex with random guys, they dress in 3-4 layers of make-up so you never really know who they are. These are not the girls I am looking for.

Some.. "candidates" do walk by "metaphorically" speaking. However I find that I am doing something seriously wrong to "scare them off".
Its not like I'm saying "I like you, wanna have a happy life together?". But my educate has thought me, once you are interest yourself in a girl. You ... "show interest", you listen, you talk, you write poems, you are a gentleman. And without saying why or.. anything, they will suddenly be gone. And I'm here thinking.
Wait! what?, I'm doing everything right, Right? I am this... gentleman, this chivalrousness knight, who comes bravely on his horse (I can actually ride one) to safe the lady and have the "happy ever after". And she... runs the other way? The book never mentioned that.

So, what is this, am I living in a fairy tale? Is chivalry truly dead? Do I have the wrong idea what "good men" are suppose to be? Am I totally going the wrong way here and should I just "give up" this sense of "responsibility" for sake of not having anyone at all?

Your thoughts?

How do you know you wont find a woman climbing a mountain? Or trekking through a desert?

Where are you meeting these women? If it's bars & clubs but you aren#t a bars and clubs kinda guy, you're wasting your time, unless you spot a woman with an equally pained expression on her face.

What about websites like meetup where you choose an interest and meetup with like-minded people? Do you attend church? Into amateur dramatics? Choral singing? (am thinking of activities where young single men are often outnumbered!)

And I get that you want to meet a 'nice' girl but don't be too dogmatic and narrow in your views, sometimes life throws us a curve-ball.

Positivity, convicto, don't fall intonthentrap of pitying your situation and feeling sorry for yourself. If you want to find someone, you need to look in he right places and give them a chance. Let go of some of the ideals you hold... They may not help you.

Hey Xales,

Sounds like you have done some traveling yourself. I don't get to pick my destinations though, but I am seeing places I would have never gone my self.

But you are right. She could be right behind the horizon. Your talk about Australia inspires me. I felt similar, I guess, standing in the middle of the desert.

There are loads of women that aren't how you describe, you know. But don't discount someone on how they look. The wild clubber at the weekend could be an astronomer, or a scientist or anything! You are being a little bit judgemental in my opinion. You're so young, just enjoy yourself how you wish and see what happens!

The life you plan for is hardly ever the one you get!

Lighten up, chill, don't wear your heart on your sleeve and keep chivalry up your jumper until a lady indicates that she needs saving...

And don't judge a book by it's cover. People wear many disguises and some may wear the mask of conformity with their peers to disguise the fact that they have little in common with them.

It occurs to me that you may meet the girl of your dreams a woman who shares your love of travelling the world, understanding nature, and general adventuring, by embarking on a journey yourself.

Have you got time to set off on a backpacking tour by railway of, say, Spain, Italy, or Eastern Europe for a couple of weeks this summer? If so, go for it! But take care to avoid the beaches.

Hey Eclectic,

" Let go of some of the ideals you hold... They may not help you. "
Well, I must say I agree with your conclusion. My ideals are clearly working against me otherwise I would not be so confused.
If it does not make sense, it should be different.

Thank you again.

So to conclude:

• I should relax, taking the weight of concern off my shoulders:
• I should look in places of my interest to find people that I find interesting; Undeniable logic.
• I should try to avoid narrow views and try not to judge.
• I should embark on a journey, backpacking.

Forget anything?

You're a bit intense. Some women like that...but most will find it a bit too much. Lighten up a bit, have fun, don't be so judgemental and critical, and most of all, chill the fuck out. You are 22, the average age of first baby is around 28, I think the chance of running out of suitable women without any children already is very very slim.

ok

You'll be fine, enjoy the voyage of discovery. Don't forget there are women who you will get on with, look in different places and don't put too much pressure on them or yourself to be perfect. I hope you find love and I'm sure you will :)

Give it 15 years, honey, and those single, childless, 30-something women will be queuing up

In the meantime, life's for living - have fun.

From the girls you describe that you have met (and dont like) it seems to me that you go looking for random girls in transvestite clubs, hoping them to be princesses looking for frogs/princes.

I think you are looking in the wrong place. The girl you seek is NOT at the bar, unless she is aiming for the bar (to take).

Find an interest, or hobby, or a job, and get to know girls without any amorous or chivalrous undertones and overtures.

Exactly, what they all said. It's still a lot of years till you're 40; don't be in such a rush to beat your parents' score. Get out and meet people, don't approach every woman as if you're interviewing a future life partner. Don't cramp your life by having a schedule in your head. One day you will meet the nicest girl in the world (for you). She will be a real live human being, not a piece of your personal jigsaw puzzle.

You sound really sweet btw. I've got three sons around your age.

WOW. You know if you hadn't said about your links to the Netherlands I would've thought you were a man I went to uni with. He, like you, has this fucked up idea that his whole life should revolve around finding mrs right and that when he does he will finally be happy. Unfortunately for him he doesn't realise that:
a)Mrs Right doesn't exist and he certainly won't find someone who lives up to his his standards
b)If by some magic she does exist, putting her on a pedestal and worshipping her would lead to a fucked up relationship. God, can you IMAGINE if she dared to do something human?
c) this attitude is a massive turnoff to girls.

You may dismiss this but before you do I would like to point out that I am 23 and am the age of the girls you are trying to attract.

Oh and little tip-ignore your mother and the pressure she is putting you under!

I have been on the receiving end of a man who was like this. It didn't matter that I didn't fancy him in the slightest or that I had a boyfriend at the time. No, I was the object of desire that week. The princess to be swept away by the knight in shining armour.

It was frankly creepy and embarrassing

Spottygunard... No need to be so offensive besed on the information given by OP. Your one experience with a man you find similar doesn't have much beari on this thread.

Bearing...

In fact spotty, you're probably an example of a girl who OP would not be suited with, there's plenty more girls out there who will appreciate his goodwill.

As you know, women are about 50% of the population and the likelihood is you come across them as often as you do men. The vast majority of these women will not be interested in you, it's simply a matter of probability. What will happen is that the ONE that is interested in you (there is always one) will turn up in your life one day and you will know exactly where you are both heading. The dating game is what it is - a game, which is played as a kind of rehearsal for the real thing. The real thing comes up and bites you when you least expect it. Dating is for dates, it rarely turns into love.

So try to skip through your youth enjoying your freedom to date, but knowing that the ONE is out there somewhere and you will come across her one day, probably at work, or in a special interest group or club.

Remember your generation is almost socially inept because you are the internet generation and my guess is that your generation will take a lot longer to connect with each other for that reason. OK that's a sweeping generalisation, but there's probably some research out there somewhere.

The only other thing I can think of is that you may have Aspergers - check yourself out on an online test, but my guess is that you don't, you are an honest decent man, but a little too impatient for your own good.

Dating is for dates, it rarely turns into love If dating's a waste of time, how do people find love, nanny?

Ah, hang on. You've said that it bites you when you least expect it. Should we infer from this that love is like a vampire that goes for the jugular during the hours of darkness?

Remember your generation is almost socially inept because you are the internet generation. OK that's a sweeping generalisation, but there's probably some research out there somewhere Oh well, that must make your generalistion true then

The only other thing I can think of is that you may have Aspergers - check yourself out on an online test, but my guess is that you don't If you've 'guessed' that the OP doesn't have Asperger's, why mention this condition, nanny? (again).

Sorry izzy, I thought my post was friendly and helpful. You're reading too much into it.

I'm just saying to OP that he shouldn't expect too much from a date.

I think if more men checked themselves for Aspergers the world would be a much better place. I fear you will pull me up on this though.

You say that you are from the Netherlands: are you currently living in the UK and intending to make your home here? If not, why don't you try posting on a Dutch social forum? BTW 22 is very very young to be gagging to meet a life partner, particularly for a man. You have something like 60 fertile years ahead of you in which to become a father. Spend some of those years becoming a person and learning to relate to other people as people, whether or not they are sexually attractive or available to you.

Having endured a few sweaty tedious journeys on public transport of late, I'm of the opinion that if more men checked themselves for body odour the underground world would be a sweeter smelling much better place, nanny