Struggling to live with husbands hoarding

[kimberlina]

OK he's not as bad as some of the extreme examples on TV but we just have so much 'stuff' that our house is never clean or tidy.

I'm embarassed inviting people that arent really good friends round and I'm worried that as DD gets older she will be embarassed too.

The basic issue seems to be that if it's not totally broken and beyond repair then it can't be thrown away.

So we have about 10 laptops or part of laptops piled in the corner of one room. They will never be used as they are now way out of date and really slow. We bought a new hifi as the old one was really temperamental about playing CDs - but the old one is now in the loft not at the tip (actually that doesn't bother me so much as I can't actually see it)

When we went digital we went out and bought a new TV as our old one was tiny and about 15 years old. Was expecting to sling it, but its in the corner o another room (Along with the video) 'just in case'. Although it wont actually work now that we're digital.

Other gems lying around include - 3 bikes that are broken, 1 lawnmower (we have a new one that actually works now), uni textbooks (has been about 20 years since DH left uni and he doesnt even work in that field now), a really out of date keyboard......

On the rare occasions I do chuck something (that does not work and will never be used again) I get told that I have a bad attitude and am wasteful. I'm not. I'm not the type to throw away perfectly good stuff just because I want a newer model. I just don't want to wake up in 40 years time and ind I'm living in my inlaws house which has entire rooms that they can no longer enter.

Sometimes I even dream of us splitting up , just so that I can live in a lovely, tidy, minimalistic house.

When I do try to talk about it I invariably get 'you've got OCD' (I so haven't), 'youre turning into your mother' or 'you've got a bad attitude'.

When we first got together I probably was equally messy/untidy but as I've got older and especially since I've had DD I've just started to crave a bit of tidyness and orderliness.

I realise that this isn't a major issue compared to others but really needed to get that off my chest

You are not being unreasonable to want a tidy house.

I turned down a marriage proposal from a bloke who was such a hoarder he was having to sleep on the sofa because he could no longer get in his bedroom, or even see the bed. I know I couldn't live like that.

Of course it's a major issue. Hoarding is compulsive behaviour (interesting that he chooses to label you "OCD"... sounds highly like projection), and living like that is bound to affect you. You're being asked to live with and nomalise dysfunctional behaviour.

It sounds like he doesn't see it as a problem, though. And indeed, you can't make him. All you can do is decide what you can and cannot tolerate, try to get him to empathize with your feelings on the matter, and see how far that gets you.

I'd just throw out the stuff and let him say what he likes. I'd rather live with a few snide remarks than junk and clutter.

Take control and don't allow it.

Would Freecycle be an option for some of it?
It would answer his dislike of things going to waste, if someone else could make use of it. Some charities will also take the old IT equipment and re-furbish or use them for spare parts/scrap value.
His parents place being like it too is a bit concerning.
Good luck

I also think its a major issue. Also, him deciding his problem is in fact your problem is not acceptable in my book. It will also stop him taking any action himself as he thinks he is fine ...

Hoarding can be a mental health issue which can stem back to issues in childhood or a trauma/bereavement.

Your husband may/may not be aware how bad it is. There are a few websites for hoarders by hoarders which your DH might identify with and which might help him start to address the issue.

Actually I think Freecycle could be an option. I hadn't thought of that. How would I find out about the charities because I think a lot of his issues are about throwing things out.

His parents place does worry me although the one glimmer of hope is that he does think they are crazy for keeping bizarre things. But then maybe it's worrying that he can't see himself gradually slipping into their ways.

I do feel a little let down that he won't do something about it, even if it's just because it matters to me and that he can't understand it.

Thanks all for making me feel like I'm in the right here. I was starting to think perhaps I was being unreasonable (even though I can see that my friends houses aren't like ours). I will try again to gently chuck/recycle stuff and see what progress I can make.

I think he knows that he keeps things that other people wouldn't but I don't think he'd recognise himself as dysfunctional.

Thanks for letting me vent my frustrations.

Off to bed now ...

It's all well and good for people to say just throw the stuff out but this can actually affect your DH and it won't 'cure'him. He'll just build up reserves again!

If he can try and identify the reason he has an attachment to these objects he may begin to control it.

Why don't you try to limit it to a couple of rooms so you have a tidy lounge. So you could say to him that he can put his stuff in the garage/shed/loft and one room in the house, eg spare room, dining room or study. That might help to limit the stuff he keeps.

Also if he thinks throwing stuff away is wasteful then encourage him to sell some of it on eBay.

crispycod I personally think my DH has depression or at least a degree of it. Googled hoarding and that was the first thing that came up! Am too tired now but will research more tomorrow

I'm a bit of a hoarder, and while people's reactions and feelings do vary, what works for me is knowing that stuff I get rid of is going to a 'good home', whether that's a charity shop or someone buying it on Ebay or even someone getting it on freecycle.

Frankie I think that's part of the reason why its come to a head now.

The biggest dumping ground became DDs bedroom when she arrived. It's ok for now but looking ahead, when she is in a bed not a cot then I don't think the room is safe.

I totally agree with SGB. Things have to go to a good home. Freecycle is better (as long as he doesn't start acquiring other people's unwanted stuff!). To me a charity shop often isn't good enough. I couldn't give away all my theatre books until I knew they were going to a performance collective

But these are all 'projects', aren't they. Things to be fixed. It's similar to people keeping magazines (one day they'll cut all the recipes out) or craft stuff. Can you afford storage? Then when he hasn't touched the stuff for years he'll maybe agree it's never going to happen. And if he's keeping the old TV in case the new one breaks down, well he can get one off freecycle instead - that's the beauty of it.

It's horrible feeling embarrassed about visitors and it's horrible if it's not safe for DD. He has to make some compromises here.

I'd be interested in any links to these hoarders websites. I have boxes of clothes to go on ebay as soon as I have the time...

MIL & FIL were hoarders. Maybe it was bit of the 'war mentality'. The loft was crammed full off useless, out of date bits of electrical equipment and old toys. Wardrobes bursting at the seams.

16 skips to junk it all. I'm sure I threw away some stuff that could have turned a pretty penny on eBay. But really. Why did anyone need 20+ sleeping bags with broken zips? And a strange fixation with tupperware - all in the loft.

So all I would say is: remind him that all his junk becomes someone elses problem when he pops his mortal coil, and they won't be thanking him for it!

If, and only if, it s an option, I'd board out the loft, stick a loft ladder in and tell him thats his den and he can surround himself in junk up there!

Why do you have to live with it?

Why is his need to hoard stuff more important than your need to not have to live with it?

Is your garden big enough to put a huge shed in and insist that anything he wants to keep is kept there and only there? And refuse to allow him to clutter the house with it?

Is it bad enough to be a fire hazard?

Would he consider getting help?

Thing is, sad as it is that he feels driven to hoard things - he is not more important than you! How this affects you matters too. And there are other options available to him.

He can;
get help
get a shed
hire a storage space

your choices are live in a dump or leave.

That's not fair on you, is it?

Perhaps you should leave.

Maybe that would shock him into getting help.

My STBXP is a hoarder - similar to the OP's husband in that obsolete and broken stuff has to be kept 'just in case'. I couldn't bear to live in a house of crap, luckily we have a load of storage outside (great big sheds) where he keeps it all. I couldn't live with it in the house. Could this be something you could do if you have the space?

It was a battle at first - he thinks my desire to have laboratory like worksurfaces was abnormal, I hated his cluttery and scruffy ways. We just grit our teeth and got on with it, it worked out all right (we are splitting up for completelt different reasons).

I agree with hecate - I don't see why your desire to live in a normal home should be somehow less important than his desire to hoard everything. I would say dump all the crap when he is out, but in reality that is not really a good idea, tempting though it is.

I would look at storage space and say that all his obsolete crap needs to go in there or it gets binned. Especially the crap in your child's room.

My STBXP is a hoarder - similar to the OP's husband in that obsolete and broken stuff has to be kept 'just in case'. I couldn't bear to live in a house of crap, luckily we have a load of storage outside (great big sheds) where he keeps it all. I couldn't live with it in the house. Could this be something you could do if you have the space?

It was a battle at first - he thinks my desire to have laboratory like worksurfaces was abnormal, I hated his cluttery and scruffy ways. We just grit our teeth and got on with it, it worked out all right (we are splitting up for completelt different reasons).

I agree with hecate - I don't see why your desire to live in a normal home should be somehow less important than his desire to hoard everything. I would say dump all the crap when he is out, but in reality that is not really a good idea, tempting though it is.

I would look at storage space and say that all his obsolete crap needs to go in there or it gets binned. Especially the crap in your child's room.

www.itforcharities.co.uk/donorinf.htm

Just googled it and this page came up, hope it helps

Freecycle info

uk.freecycle.org/

This is a major issue Kimberlina, your quality of life is being profoundly affected here by his hoarding.

You may find this website helpful re hoarding.

www.compulsive-hoarding.org

And you could watch the recent very good documentary series on TV on hoarding and the "treatments" offerred. It was a very sensitive programme, though I forget which channel, possibly BBC. Nearly all the participants did have mental health issues and were struggling terribly with their compulsion, but they did get help and many of them really benefitted. I agree with other posters that you have a right to leave in a clean, comfortable and pleasant environment, and the right to find a way of achieving that, whether with him or not. Good luck.

I mean right to live.

Do bear in mind, though, that hoarding is a problem and that the hoarder is not doing it out of malice or indifference to a partner's wishes. Just throwing his stuff away or destroying it will not magically cure him, it will cause him great distress.

I'm not sure your DP is hoarding - it's a bit of that, but possibly there's a bit of territory marking going on as well?

That's the way I read it, and what I have done is to ensure my DP's clutter and shite is all in one place, his place, and he can do what the F he wants with it.

Don't let him put it in dd's room, don't let him put it in the neutral family spaces.

Sometimes hoarders hoard things (like Mr Trebus for example), but sometimes they are just hoarding space - and that can only be cured with clear firm boundaries on your part.

My DP now sleeps alone, and I dump all his shite by his bed for him to clamber over. I sleep with the girls and we harmoniously share the space with respect and decency. Yes he consistently tries to take over cupboards and shelves around the house but I shunt everything back into his area as soon as it appears.

Notnanny that's a great idea, I think marking off some territory for him, a bedroom, a shed, a dining room, and then put all the stuff in there would at least save your sanity. You can't just throw the stuff away if it upsets him, as he will probably get more junk to replace it, but you can stop it interfering with your living space. I put all my husband's stuff in one room, it's awful in there but that's not my problem and actually this has motivated him to clear it or start making decision about what to do with it (he's not a hoarder really, just more has tonnes of hobbies and very essential magazines from years ago which can't possibly be disposed of and so on).