Struggling to live with husbands hoarding

[kimberlina]

OK he's not as bad as some of the extreme examples on TV but we just have so much 'stuff' that our house is never clean or tidy.

I'm embarassed inviting people that arent really good friends round and I'm worried that as DD gets older she will be embarassed too.

The basic issue seems to be that if it's not totally broken and beyond repair then it can't be thrown away.

So we have about 10 laptops or part of laptops piled in the corner of one room. They will never be used as they are now way out of date and really slow. We bought a new hifi as the old one was really temperamental about playing CDs - but the old one is now in the loft not at the tip (actually that doesn't bother me so much as I can't actually see it)

When we went digital we went out and bought a new TV as our old one was tiny and about 15 years old. Was expecting to sling it, but its in the corner o another room (Along with the video) 'just in case'. Although it wont actually work now that we're digital.

Other gems lying around include - 3 bikes that are broken, 1 lawnmower (we have a new one that actually works now), uni textbooks (has been about 20 years since DH left uni and he doesnt even work in that field now), a really out of date keyboard......

On the rare occasions I do chuck something (that does not work and will never be used again) I get told that I have a bad attitude and am wasteful. I'm not. I'm not the type to throw away perfectly good stuff just because I want a newer model. I just don't want to wake up in 40 years time and ind I'm living in my inlaws house which has entire rooms that they can no longer enter.

Sometimes I even dream of us splitting up , just so that I can live in a lovely, tidy, minimalistic house.

When I do try to talk about it I invariably get 'you've got OCD' (I so haven't), 'youre turning into your mother' or 'you've got a bad attitude'.

When we first got together I probably was equally messy/untidy but as I've got older and especially since I've had DD I've just started to crave a bit of tidyness and orderliness.

I realise that this isn't a major issue compared to others but really needed to get that off my chest

Agree with a lot of what's being said. Hoarding is for some a mental illness (extreme hoarding) and for others, it's just a way of life. My MIL keeps just about everything and I think that is because she grew up in a very poor home where they had hardly any possessions. As a consquence, my DP has tendencies towards keeping stuff which he says has emotional meaning (even a train ticket from the 80s).

I did wonder if it was wise to enter a serious relationship with him but we had countless discussions before moving in together and so far, so good. He has conceded an awful lot, throwing out a lot of his unneeded clutter and I have accepted that he shouldn't have to be just like me so his office has all the stuff I don't want in the sitting room. That way I can choose not to see it.

The difference is that my DP understood my POV and we worked together to find a solution.

you have my sympathy. I have mild hoarder tendancies.

I would
A)move all the stuff to the attic and label with a date sticker.

OOps too soon.

you have my sympathy. I have mild hoarder tendancies.

I would
A) chuck the lot out. Block my ears to the screams. (wait 6 months for the space to be filled with more stuff)

or
B) move all the stuff to the attic and label with a date sticker. If he hasn't got it down to use in 6 months, then chuck it out.

or C) Chuck stuff out but TELL HIM it's in the attic.

Once you cleared the house, you need to figure out how to stop more incoming?

Agree about the projection issue.

I have a cluttered house as we both have slight hoarding/collecting tendencies and it is a struggle to get over it.

You might get a bit of money selling stuff as 'for spare parts' on ebay...

I would sleep on the side of the bed by the door and give him the side by the window. Tape walking space to clean and put his hoard in the space in the tape, and no where else in the home, anything beyond that needs gp intervention. Start by clearing the babys room.

I think I agree with those who say that it would cause distress to throw away stuff which belongs to people with these tendencies.

My XP has only very, very mild hoarding tendencies but I remember hurling a load of his old t shirts away once (they were no good for man or beast, he hadn't worn them and they were full of holes, covered in plaster etc) and he was very upset, irrationally so.

I could never really empathise as I come from the opposite end of the spectrum - I never feel any emotional attachment to anything and throw all my belongings away, and feel liberated by not having any 'stuff'. The only thing to do is just make sure it doesn't encroach on shared space - he had 10000 square foot (exaggerated but it felt like that) to fill with all his stuff.

XH was a terrible hoarder. When we were about to move I threw away 20 sacks full of plastic bags, which had gradually become full of mud and snails over the who-knows-how-long, from outside the front of the house and he was furious about the waste; he needed all those (wet, dirty) bags to pack stuff in. Thankfully he wasn't my problem by that time (but making the house fit to sell was).

I would love to come round and sort it out for you, OP. I love organising junk.

I would:

Buy a cheaply shed for your garden and put everything in it.

Then I would go through the lot and make 4 piles: stuff to keep, stuff to sell, stuff to free cycle, and stuff to tip.

If you can't be bothered to sell it bit by bit, put the whole lot in your lawn, photograph it and sell it on eBay as "house clearance car boot joblot" or similar. Or car boot it yourself.

I could have written the OP's post. My Dp's hoarding really gets me down and is slowly exapanding to fill the whole house. He subscribes to probably about a dozen magazines and keeps them all (some of them are weekly) and they are skimmed through and then stacked up in the study and loft. They cannot be handed on/recycled.

The garage was once used to keep his car in. That is a dim and distant dream and there is a narrow 'corridor' about a foot wide that I can access the door by.

His parents house has rooms I have never seen because they are filled to the ceiling with junk and the place is officially a fire hazard.

I used to run my own little business decluttering houses and businesses and even I am fighting a losing a battle with him. He is willing to take on board my complaints and tries to stick to designated areas but those areas just expand.

I too dream of leaving sometimes to an all white loft space with a chair and a plant in it and nothing else.

@ Ruby. I bet his hoards are 'going to be worth loads of money in a few years time' too.

It is a case of love them, love their junk.

NotNanny

Fancy a few hundred copies of 'What's Brewing' beer magazine.

Oh dear, they're not even worth anything either...

Tell him your home is not an archive.

Me too live with a hoarder who is getting worse as time goes by. The more space we have the more he fills it. The major problem is that he won't throw anything away (just rubbish really) "in case" it comes in useful one day. He does have his own room downstairs and own bedroom and the latter is a sight to behold. God only knows what would happen if a Dr had to call. The main problem is in the room that we share downstairs and his side of the shelving unit is always cluttered, and I mention it and he sort of clears it out, but in a few days it's the same again, because he keeps junk mail, bits of nails/screws, bottle tops, wine corks, a bit of plastic from god knows where - old train tickets, odd coins and receipts (all screwed up) with the post he takes it out of the envelope and then leaves both the letter and the envelope lying about.

We have had rows about it but it just isn't going to change. The cellar is fullof allsorts of tools (he doesn't do any DIY) and all sorts of things, bird food, (we have enough for all the birds of the air) bits of electrical stuff - oh I don't know, but it's full. He has now got a shed and we have agreed to keep garden tools in there, but it won't be long before it is filled with rubbish.

If I offer to help clear it up it doesn't work, as he can't bear me to touch any of his stuff and is convinced that I am going to throw it away. It is better with my sons or friends, as he is more biddable with them to throw stuff out.

He loves watching those hoarding programmes because he says "I am nothing like that" and he isn't but it could become much much worse if he lived alone. I have long thought is was OCD and the opposite side of the coin to someone who is obsessively tidy. I think the thing is with those people onthe TV programme is that they have all come to the realisation that they want to change and I think that is more than half the battle.

Ho hum - worse things I suppose.

Well I am working on my hoarding tendencies (under threat of eviction) and am making progress. Thing is, some of my hoard has turned out to be worth money, I have sold quite a few old magazines on Ebay, some for only 99p sure, but a few went for £40 or more per copy.
Also I have a bit of an issue with the idea that it's a woman's biological duty to do housework, when most housework is unnecessary and a waste of time; homes don't have to be stripped bare and surgically clean and a bit of clutter never hurt anyone.

God, do you know what? I feel a sense of what can only be described as relief to discover there are other women out there living with men who can't bear to be parted from their crap!!
I should have had an inkling about DP when I found out he had one of those storage locker rentals just before we moved in together!
Our flat could be a really lovely family home for the three of us if it wasn't for all the CRAP everywhere. Clothes that haven't been worn for years, four sets of golf clubs at the last count, old towels and bed linens, betting slips, train tickets, boxes, carrier bags, bits of old paper and card, unending pairs of trainers. I could go on for days listing the stuff that is so important to him yet that I would scoop up and take to the tip in a heartbeat.
Like the OP I was quite untidy myself until DS came along. It's not like I'm a neat freak now, I'd just like to be able to eat dinner off the dining table occasionally and be able to open his chest of drawers to put his washing away.
His mother is the same, she has easily the contents of a three bed house crammed into a one bed house. I'm petrified DS is going to end up the same way, he already gets in a bit of a state when I suggest throwing away his old toys and I have to do it while he's at nursery!
So, OP, I can't be any help I'm afraid but you should know you're not the only one embarrassed to have people round. Ds's home visit before he starts Reception is in two weeks - his teacher is going to think we are batty!

Thanks everyone for so many replies. It is so nice to know that I'm not making a mountain out of a molehill but also that there are other people in the same boat too.

I agree that just binning the stuff would probably cause more distress. We have a big bedroom so I think I'm going to designate him half of that (because at least no visitors go in there and really I only sleep there so don't have to sit and look at it :o ) so at least the family areas are clear and tidy. Plus he already has the garage and the loft but they're not so easy for me to dump the piles of stuff. All the bits that ruby and nananina describe - letters, envelopes, corks, train tickets, magazines ..... that I can't be arsed to get the ladders out to take up to the loft can easily be dumped in there.

I have done a bit of sneaky decluttering of 'small' things - frayed tea towels (well he doesnt seem to know what they're for anway ) old yellow pages (kept the most recent one even though we google everything anyway) which I don't think he'll notice. And it felt goooooooooood.

Also thanks for the links - I'll def be checking those out later. I think as someone said the issue is really that he doesn't see himself as abnormal - and he's not as bad as some I've seen on telly ....yet!

But I do feel more positive that we should be able to find some sort of compromise where we can both live in (relatively) happy harmony. Fingers crossed

inelegantlywasted I'm having palpatations even thinking about home visits from school and that's 2 years away. Good Luck.

PS we have unending pairs of trainers too and I know they will never be worn again

I was going to put everything in our bedroom and shut the door when the teacher comes and just hope she doesn't notice the dismantled cot-bed propped upright against the wall in the kitchen .
I have a special area on my side of our bed which is MINE and he can't put any of his stuff there. I like to go there and be zen and serene and tidy!

I really feel for you all. My late father was a hoarder, I didn't realise just how bad he had got as I lived in another country and when we visited we were only allowed in the living room. After he died though,oh the horror! We had to clear his flat,it was piled to the rafters and I still shudder at the thought of it.it upset me far more than the funeral. Most of it was taken to the skip,even though I know there was some valuable stuff among it ( we found over 500 quid in change for example!) but I didn't have a spare year to sort it all,so in the bin it went! So there is utterly no point saving things just in case,you can never find them anyway! So,I haven't advice,just lots of sympathy.

We are very lucky in that we have a spare bedroom. This is "his room". All the crap is in there. And the garage. But it's not in the rest of the house. I just have to be vigilant for piles appearing, he seeds an area and then it gets bigger and bigger. Get them before they breed.

I do think it might be hereditary - my inlaws have lived in their house for 25 years and still have boxes in cupboards that they "haven't got round to unpacking". My theory would be that if you haven't needed it for 25 years you're unlikely to....

FIL had a lot of stuff in a shed, in the back garden. The shed leaked, the stuff got wet (and ruined) - so he bought a new shed, and transferred everything into there. No chance of throwing anything away, obviously.

Yes I do a sneaky bit of de-cluttering too. We are having one of the living rooms re-decorated and I have found stuff (old tapes that he will never use) and various other things. I have put them in my bedroom and wait for a few weeks and if he doesn't mention them I will take them to the tip.

I often have to say I am taking stuff to the charity shop but really I'm taking in to the top! Old garden stuff and the like, so he doesn't mind too much if he thinks it is not going to be thrown away. I have just been in the cellar (a very rare occurrence!) and was looking for tin of paint I thought we had, but couldn't find it but noticed he had put loads more stuff down there - absolute rubbish and dusty as hell down there. I've told him that one day our sons will chuck it all in a skip and he says he's be too old to care then!

It does occur to me that we women are also to blame in a way because we have allowed it to happen. The reason that I have let it happen is because it causes too many rows if I start having a go about it, and I have many times. Usually if we are having a row anyway, I throw in the stuff about the junk. He usually then clears it up (in his downstairs room) but within a few weeks it's as bad as usual. SO I have taken the view that it doesn't matter whether we row or not, he is not going to change. I think we get more like we are as we get older and he is 70 in October, so no hope of change.

Hi I’m new here.
I honestly broke down in tears when I read about your struggle as I felt the same way with my partner. I am trapped in his mess and I’m contemplating of leaving. Don’t get me wrong he’s a lovely man but I’m so fed up with it.
8 years we’re together but I never invited any of my friends or family abroad to his place. I want my space, my rules and my life back.
I wish sometime a meteorite will hit this house and obliterate everything excluding the kids and myself.

Most of those things he has sound worthless, only good for scrap or the tip. No point in trying to even give them away. If he has a hoarding problem though he has most of this junk inventoried in his head. If you throw anything away, he will notice, it will cause him significant stress and anxiety, and he will just go out and get more crap to replace it.

@Dimsrie all the messages on this thread are 8 years old, so most of the contributors are no longer on Mumsnet or have changed name. They call this a "zombie thread"
You need to start your own thread i in the Relationships section and ask for support.