How much did you want to know after your husbands affair?

[confusedriver]

3 months since husbands affair, I know pretty much everything there is to know (I think) about why, what, where and when etc, but I have all types of questions, mainly sexual ones, I wonder if it's healthy to know the answers to them all? Things like positions, what she did differently.....etc

Will knowing make me feel worse? He has said sex was no better with the ow other woman and its the worse mistake of his life, it was the emotional side/connection that hooked him... Didn't stop him at the time though did it.

I don't know. The answers might haunt you. I think i would want to know general things like if it were penetrative, oral etc. Partly for sexual health reasons.

So sorry this has happened to you

Hi there

Everyone is different - I am very nosey and wanted to know almost everything. I asked what sexual acts they did that my H and I never did. He also volunteered information such as where they did it and when etc. I also asked about safe sex and I needed to know if they had anal sex because of implications with regards to sexual health.

Like your H, he said that the sex wasn't the most important thing for him - it was the ego boosting attention that hooked him.

I'm ok about knowing these details. However, I was upset about the fact that they they shared a lot of personal stuff and I was livid when my H admitted to having told her a few things about me - it really hurt to be betrayed in this way.

I NEEDED to know everything but WANTED to know nothing. Whether you know or not, it haunts you. When trust is betrayed, you rarely believe they have told you everything so you're buggered either way.

Years later, you will find that it matters less. However, I couldn't forgive and we separated but it took me years to get images and memories out of my head and actually, I'm finding that I can't trust anyone years later. Although the specifics left me, the emotional scars have not. Sorry but just my experience.

Who cares what he did. He cheated on you. Forget about those reasons. Start the divorce proceedings now.

The physical details are far less haunting than the emotional ones. Shagging is one thing but the emotional/love part is destroying.

I needed to know if they had done anything that we hadn't IYSWIM. I needed to know when they had sex for the first time.

It took me a long time not to visualise them together when we had sex, I went through the motions a lot to begin with and sometimes had to stop midway if I was hit by an image .

I think as time goes on, the need to know diminishes. You had to think will the knowledge cause you to obsess more. I need to know about her body (my self esteem was on the floor).

Has my DH lied about things to space my feelings, I don't know and now 3 years down the line, it doesn't matter. They had lots of sex, fact. Can't take that away at all......

Is he still with you? Get away from him.

I would need to know what he did so I could asses the risk to my health.

Did he use condoms? Did either/both perform oral sex? Does he know her sexual history? Has she ever had any STIs? Have her partners?

Has he been to a clinic for an STI check before you resume sleeping with him?

Have you had one since you found out about the affair?

I would expect to be told the answers to all of these and for him to realise how much he had risked me for 'sex that was no better'.

To be honest I don't think I could ever again trust anyone who willingly put me at risk like that while playing happy families with me still. You are a bigger person than me. Good luck!

Ask as much as you want but a man who cheats is also very capable of glossing over the facts when he gets caught.....

You will get some of the detail but not all.

Most people's imaginations are far worse than the reality. When your husband says that the sex was no better he's probably telling the truth and is something I've often heard said by unfaithful spouses, even when their partner wasn't there. Most modern affairs are preceded by 'sexting' before and between encounters and the real-life events are often disappointing. For men who feel guilty, they often experience sexual dysfunction for the first time in their lives too.

So it's often a relief to know these things but if you're going to ask detailed questions, insist on honesty even though some aspects might be painful. As others have said, it's imperative that you know if safer sex was practised but there's no such thing as safe sex so I hope you've both been tested.

What many people say is that it wasn't the quality of the sex itself that was better, but that the quality of the experience overall (compared with married-with-kids-sex) was by default, more erotic and pleasurable. That's because their only concern at the time was eachother and they had sufficient time/no likely interruptions. It's therefore often a more helpful question to compare the experience with when you as a couple first started having new, exciting sex.

Most people I've spoken to say that the early days of their sex lives with their committed partners were far and away superior to what happened in the affair - and of course this becomes a fairer comparison.

If you're planning to keep this man in your life, ask everything. Otherwise, those questions will be the ones that keep torturing you and you will end up hating yourself. If you're planning to show him the door, don't ask. It'll make it easier to move on.

I asked absolutely nothing. But neither did I let him darken my door again, once I knew he's shagged her. As far as I'm concerned that was all I needed to know to not want to be with him any more.... but that's just me. No way could I work things out, it's just not who I am - everyone has a line that can't be crossed. Why do you want to know, do you have a line that you're afraid he's crossed? ie, is missionary ok but anal a step too far?

I think you need to know what the information will mean to you. If you are willing to get past anything, don't torture yourself. If you're not, then ask yourself why you are willing to put up with what you already know. At the end of the day the facts of what has happened won't change whatever you get told, so the questions aren't really going to help you find peace. Peace comes from acceptance that you've been betrayed, whether you know exactly how, or not. And you can accept the facts even if you choose not to accept the behaviour (ie, I am ok with knowing what STBXH did. I accept he did it. But I don't accept it's ok to do that to me, so we're over)

I wanted to know her name, what she looked like, how they met, and when he saw her. That's all. Anything more about what they did/are doing would just torture me.

Choco - you asked why would we want to know, especially if we are staying together.

For me it was because I needed to understand better what happened, why and how. I had so many questions and having these answered actually helped me move on.

There is a good article on this link:

www.beyondaffairs.com/articles/need_to_know.htm

www.beyondaffairs.com/articles/need_to_know.htm

thanks hotchoc that's really helpful - I think it definitely shows the difference between the two possible ways forwards, to stay with your partner or to leave them. In my case, I don't need to see the missing 400 pieces of the puzzle because I already know (based on my previous life experiences, and the information I have been given by my ex) that how I feel about the final picture won't change enough for me to consider a reconciliation, so that's why I don't need to ask.

If I was going to try to reconcile I can see that the inequality of not knowing would make me feel belittled and humiliated - as that article explains so well - it wouldn't be fair for only the two people who had the affair to know how much of the relationship they compromised, why, and for how long etc. I guess that's what I was wondering really, whether the OP wants to know because it's going to make it easier to reconcile or if it's just to confirm that isn't possible :(

It's such a horrible life experience I wouldn't wish on anyone. I hope you find peace OP and whatever you learn helps you move on in the way you wish to x

It is possible that the answers to Op's questions may prompt her into realising it would not work

thank you all for your advice its greatly appreciated, more than words can say.

Yes i think I maybe do want to hear everything, because I don't want anything more coming out months down the line (although I guess it still will to a certain extent) such as we went to the cinema the other day, and the first thing when we got in there that came to my mind was did DH and the ow go there, I asked, they had been once, and then I felt like shit for the rest of the film, but better because i knew and that information wont hurt me again iyswim....

Its all so confusing still, he said said was no way was sex better, they did nothing different (sex and oral) yes he has been to get tested for std's he said he never gave sti's a second thought and was quite upset when I mentioned it and kept saying he's been such an idiot and nothing was worth any of it. He said it was all the attention he got that made him 'overwhelmed' in his words, that someone could say so many nice things to him all the time. He said it was emotional not sexual, he also said he realises its fantasy and that the buzz he got was not from something that would happen in a normal relationship because he realises that he confused the pounding heart (he thought at the time was intense love) with a pounding heart from actually doing something wrong. he said he feels sick when we talk about it because he cant believe what he did to me, or how he could ever have justified what he was doing. He said it took a catalyst of nearly losing everything to realise what he had. In words this all looks like crap I can see that, but the reptile eyes I had for the 12 wks this was going on have vanished and he is back to his old self in so many ways. He said he never thought about our future before, he just took it for granted, but after the affair it has made him realise that he could never grow old and happy with OW, the only person he could ever do that with is me, and the family we have and the wife I am is nothing he would come close to anywhere else.

tables have turned he comes home worried i wont here, worried about my decision, and worried he has royally fcked up. I 100% never* thought I would stay with a cheater, but something in me is saying to hang on, for the sake of everything we have and of course my 2 children. These fears i now have will be with me for life, not just DH, so it makes sense to try and work through this with someone who gets what they have done, as opposed to someone new who may bloody do this to me again, years down the line.

Can the attention of another woman really be this intoxicating?

its hurts to know they spoke of me, he thought i didn't like him, and this is what she would tell him all the time and thats why I didn't appreciate him everyday because I didn't like him! She explained to him it was the lifestyle he gave me apparently and that I was after meal ticket.....what a bitch! We have been together since kids at school fgs hardly a bloody meal ticket giving up a career to have our bloody children!

Sorry this has digressed and turned into a slight rant

Chocoraisin I think the advice you give on threads about this subject is brilliant but am I right in thinking that your ex didn't even give you the chance to reconcile? Please correct me if I've got that wrong - I don't think I was on your thread but lurked occasionally.

I accept that if he had you might have said 'no' anyway (based on what you've said here) but I do think the advice about infidelity from posters is different dependent on whether they made decisions themselves about reconciliation or whether it was taken out of their hands. For those whose partners left for the OW, I agree it would make no sense to ask questions about the particular issue the OP raises (the sex that occurred) whereas it's different for her because although she is trying to forgive, in truth she is still coming to a decision that fortunately is still hers to make and this information could help with that process.

I really hope that has come out the right way Chocoraisin because I genuinely think your posts are helpful and healing to posters in this very diffficult situation.

i think you are right madabouthotchoc, I think this is why I want to know everything. I cant make a decision based on not knowing everything, he does at least (and in his own words) owe me that.

The sort of affair you describe OP sounds like one that is about how the affair made your husband feel about himself rather than the feelings he had for the OW. One that was about sexual and romantic attention rather than sex or love themselves.

What's your husband doing to understand himself and why this happened?

He is reading some books sternface, the not just friends, private lies, and he also how to help your spouse heal after the affair.

He said the biggest thing for him was realising it wasn't a bad marriage that led him to this, it was the opportunity and also the attention he received. He also said that the walls and window scenario he hadn't just let down with her but also a couple of his mates (male) who he would spk to about loads before and during the affair. He has moved away from these 'friends' and he said has distanced himself and wants to build up 'us' again. He said a lot of very hurtful things though and I find it hard to let these things go. He said it was whilst he was wrapped up in this bubble he was in, and he by no way meant the stuff he said he wasn't thinking straight.

We were a very child centred relationship, had kind of forgotten about each other i guess. The hardest thing is during the infancy of his affair, our two very close friends split up (her DH had an affair and walked out) he saw the consequences and yet still carried on? I have asked him about this and he says he just 'didnt think' about consequences he was too wrapped up.

I have read about the feelings affair sternface, I think that does sum it up tbh...have read so much stuff over the past few months i struggle to remember everything, plus my head feels like a huge thudding ball most days simple tasks are challenging with the reality of I just cant believe what he did.

sternface has got it right, I think.

In my case, exP has said that there is no chance of reconciliation. Initially I wanted to know everything but now I think I know enough. I know they had sex at our house and OW's. I told exP to get tested for STIs. I don't know if he has (not really my business any more I suppose) but I did get tested and I'm clear of everything. So, I think any more that I know will just hurt me more.

I've had little realisations along the way, for example exP and DS bumped into OW in town once, when I was getting my hair cut. It was tipping down with rain so they all went for coffee. This is how it was presented to me at the time and I believed it. I asked exP whether he planned to meet her that day with DS and he said no, it was a chance meeting but I'm not sure if I believe it. Best case scenario, he sat and had coffee with a woman he was having an affair with AND our 4 year old DS. I hate him for that and I'm not sure I want to know if there's anything else like that that's happened.

In your case though OP, I think I would want to know everything. After being lied to so badly the only way you can move forward is with total truth.

CR - your posts could be about us. Sounds like we are married to the same person.

H bitterly regrets the fact that he said some cruel things. Prior to the affair, he witnessed his BIL leaving his sister with a week old baby for OW - said that because he has no intention of leaving his family, he didn't think that the consequences would be the same for us

What are you doing for yourself? I found that focusing on myself - investing in my own life - friends,work and interests really helped me stop obsessing so much about the affair.

Another thing I did was to write down everything that was going round in my head - would this be something you could do?