How much did you want to know after your husbands affair?

[confusedriver]

3 months since husbands affair, I know pretty much everything there is to know (I think) about why, what, where and when etc, but I have all types of questions, mainly sexual ones, I wonder if it's healthy to know the answers to them all? Things like positions, what she did differently.....etc

Will knowing make me feel worse? He has said sex was no better with the ow other woman and its the worse mistake of his life, it was the emotional side/connection that hooked him... Didn't stop him at the time though did it.

When he was leaving??

I could never trust him again so there would be no way I would consider having him back

sternface you're quite right, reconciliation was never on the cards for us, but that was something that was completely mutual. He has moved in with his OW, but prior to that, from the second I found out they had slept together, it felt like a switch went off in my head and the love was gone. I was angry, hurt, disappointed, sad, I grieve a lot for what I thought might have been... but I don't want him back. That's my personal experience - I don't imagine it's universal, at all.

In no way though do I think everyone feels like that in the aftermath of an affair, and I hope it didn't read as though I was suggesting that OP shouldn't want to try - what I was getting at was that although it's a powerful urge to ask (and despite my own feelings, I do sometimes have an obsessive, uncontrollable desire to know everything) for my own sake I've found (hence asking for OP's sake and anyone else experiencing it) that it's worth examining why I want to know before I ask. Because you can't 'unknow' stuff afterwards. So if it will (like HotChoc's article suggests) restore trust and honesty to OP's relationship, then it's worth it. But if the knowledge is only going to undermine her own self-esteem anyway, is it worth it? If I was in anyway sitting on the fence about working things out, I think it is a question worth asking yourself before asking any more upsetting questions of the person who had the affair... I hope that makes sense.

Thanks Choco and as I recall, he's continued to act like a complete dick and so that might have done you a favour in helping you to keep that switch firmly off. It's often very difficult for a woman in your position though when their former partner seems to have 'come back' and is the loveable, kind person he used to be. Much more difficult to switch off then.

I agree it's always worth asking why you want to know the answer to any question like this, which is why the OP is being very sensible posting this thread. Something I often advise couples to do in this situation is to recall memorable sexual encounters in their own sexual relationship. Rarely are those encounters memorable because of the other's sexual technique, but because of reasons such as the setting, the feelings they shared, the eroticism, the time they allowed eachother to take etc. Often in affairs the person in the OP's situation imagines the third party to be a sexual sorceror with a repertoire of incredible tricks but I've never known this to be true, even when speaking to men on their own about it, no more than they turned out to be stallions and better lovers either. A lot of actually very poor or average sex is made better in people's heads because of its illicitness or delusions of being 'in love'. Hindsight often provides a more accurate and realistic assessment of it.

I'm glad it made a bit more sense - it really bothered me thinking I may have said something upsetting OP :( so I really hope I didn't seem unsympathetic. It's absolutely just that when you know the why you also have permission to say no. So, for example, even in my situation, if I know that I want to know something because it will help me move on (like whether OW has/had spent time with my DS) I am confident in insisting that information is given. And if I know that information will hurt me or damage my ability to move forwards, I am confident in saying that's enough, conversation over. I don't think anyone can say in general 'how much' is the right amount to know in the aftermath of an affair, because each individual is going to have their own boundaries/interpretations/needs... so what hit my 'switch' wouldn't hit everyone's. Equally, what I was willing to work through prior to that may have crossed others lines a long, long time before. It's an emotional minefield really :(

I can't imagine you ever saying anything to upset an OP Choco and of course you're absolutely right that everyone has different boundaries and different 'need to knows'.

I also think it's an understandable part of the human condition to repackage others' decisions as our own but the truth is unless we've been in that situation before and know how we behaved and its consequences, none of us can know what we'd have done if the choice had been ours to make. The OP for example thought before that she could never entertain forgiveness, but the reality was somewhat different. Sometimes that's a good call, sometimes it isn't. It's largely dependent on whether the experience is used to learn something; about the individuals, the relationship and about life itself.

From what I've seen Choco, you are a wonderful example of a woman who has used this experience to learn a great deal about herself, but you also have the generosity to share that learning with others. Those are great qualities .