Dealing with sibling's OW - pls help

[Orangedisc]

Have namechanged. I could really do with some advice on how to handle my feelings towards my notsodarling brother and his OW.

First of all a bit of background.

'D'B, let's just call him B, left his DW of 18 months and my beautiful 3 month old niece last year. It was the week before her first Xmas. Brutally, he told my lovely clever and very cool DSIL that he didn't love her any more and walked out. At the time, we all thought he was having some kind of mental breakdown. I even sought advice from a psychiatrist friend as I was worried that he was a suicide risk. My poor parents were devastated that their DS coud do something so awful, desperately worried about his MH, and in bits for DN. Clearly, DSIL was utterly destroyed.

. We needn't have worried about the little shit. He was following 'the script' to the letter. In the face of black opprobrium from all he went back to DSIL and manfully tried to make things work for a bit, then buggered off again, saying that he just didn't love her anymore. We noticed that he kept disappearing off to a city some distance away from us to meet 'a friend'. The shoulder he was crying on turned out to be a woman he works with who just happened to have left her DH at exactly the same time as my brother definitively left DSIL. He is now moving in with her and her 3DC.

DSIL is doing fantastically well, and has a new man. She has met OW and is managing not to be bitter. She has however no idea whatsoever that there was anything going on while they were together. My DB pretty much admitted - on one of the rare occasions I speak to him these days - that it had all being going on for a while before the break up.

I could do with some input on 2 issues:

1 I can't get past what this pair have done to my family. They have caused so much devastation in their pursuit of happiness. My niece lives between 2 houses and doesn't know where she's going to be from one day to the next. I am totally aware that I probably seem a bit petulant but I just can't get passed this. Incidentally, I'm not demonising the OW, my DB knows I think he's behaved like a dick. I am civil to him out of respect for my parents. The OW played her part though. I have no interest in meeting her or getting to know her, I'm just a bit repulsed by what they've done. I expect I'm going to have to get over myself (be nice then scrub myself afterwards, yuck) but has anyone been in this situation? How did you deal with it?

2 what is the etiquette regarding OW's DC? Will I have acquired a couple of new nephews when DB moves in with this woman or does the step-family thing of extend that far? Genuinely don't know what happens in this situation as this kind of complexity is new to my family and my friends are still all on their first marriages.

All advice gratefully received but equally feel free to tell me to get over myself.

what is the etiquette regarding OW's DC?

They didn't ask for any of this - so treat them as step nephews - nieces as they really are the innocents in all this.

I don´t have much advice.

BUT can I just say you and your parents sound fab! and I think it is totally brilliant that you are all staying part in DN life and that you clearly love you SIL.

Re your brother do what feels right to you.... its harder said then done but I would do what feels right

This comes from some one how once stepped over her Sbrother in the gutter after he had got drunk AGAIN and I was the only one that would go and look for him. He is a dead beat and doesn´t get my time of day. you can´t choose your family but you can choose your reaction to them. That said OW kids have also been through the mill and I wouldn´t take it out on them. BUT if you don´t see D B much its not a problem is it?

actually my ex had affair and married OW and her parents were just always so lovely with my dc that it really did stick in my mind.

Ow was then treated to the same dose I had been treated to with a 5 months old baby

last xmas eve we bumped in to OW parents out with their grandchild - my dc's brother - and we all sat and eat toghet.

Not one of us at the table had done anything wrong, we were not planing on having joint family but we do and the dc loved being together on xmas eve

I won't tell you to get over yourself.

I'd feel exactly the same.

No doubt more mature and insightful people will post soon but I am glad you are not one of these that can see no wrong in the way people behave just because they happen to be related to them - yes I am looking at you ex inlaws!

Anyway though your SIL sounds like she is doing ok so I suppose you'll have to let it go but I too would find it difficult to be civil to either of them.

You always need to remember that no DC is responsible for his/her parents' break-up and that DC need to feel accepted and welcome into whatever family comes their way. If you keep that uppermost in your mind, relationships have a habit of working out.

Brothers, IMHO are optional. Some people are very close to their siblings, others not so much. Unless you live so close that you'd always be tripping over him, why not give them a polite but wide berth, doing the bare social minimums? Either that or you have a massive barney with your DB, tell him that you think he's behaved like a shit, and carry on with the air a little clearer.

As for newly acquired children I think it's fine to wait until you see if all this is a permanent thing before adding them to your Christmas card list.

Thanks everyone, that's all extremely helpful. We may need to meet her this weekend which is why this has all been playing on my mind. My parents haven't formed an opinion of her. They've met her a few times but apparently she just looks really sheepish and doesn't say anything.

Oh yuk, yuk, yuk, the whole thing makes me feel physically ill.

Thanks for the advice re OWs DC. Given that I am very much keeping my distance I don't suppose i'll be seeing them much for now and can just wait and see what happens. Obviously I wouldn't let their mother's lack of moral fibre have any impact on the way I treated them, but suppose it is worth remembering that they have been put in the same invidious position as my poor niece and therefore we probably need to make conscious effort to make things as welcoming as possible for them.

I feel really sorry for your DSIL but you sound terribly judgy. Will your new SIL (because that's what she'll be in all likelihood) never be welcome?
Your brother didn't 'do' this to you and your DSIL sounds like she's coping well. Why can't you cope with it?

A mile in another mans shoes etc..

EMS you clearly have never experienced an affair or the damage it causes. Not only to the spouse, but to the wider family as this OP has so well written.

So go and think non-judgy thoughts, when it does happen to you.

OP, how hard. How about a cool introduction and then ignore them both, whilst being very kind to the children?
The karma cafe will serve her eventually. She won't get what she ordered, but she will get what she deserves. When you get what you want out of deceit and betrayal, without caring about the hurt of others, that tends to set the stage for stuff you bring onto yourself...

I hope you stay in touch with your SIL.

The thing is, sometimes people fall out of love with one partner and in love with someone else. Tough but shit happens. It doesn't make anyone a monster to leave one partner for another, and it is not your job to police your brother's relationships or set yourself up as the marriage police.
So be civil to your new SIL while retaining your friendship with the old one. The new SIL might turn out to be every bit as nice as the first one, a new auntie for your DC and another adult to love the DC of the family.

do you know the funny thing is if we replaced the word bother with friend the whole thing would be SOOOOOO much easier! Unfortunately you can choose your friends but not your family.

The thing about afairs is they show a person you once thought you knew in a totally different light. Its hard, your brother is not the person you thought he was.

I think the OP was considered, honest and heartfelt. seems most agree. The children as inocent but the adults are different. This is 3 kids, and 2 relationships! I hope tha Adults are all happy as that is a lot a heart break for 2 peoples happiness.

Personally I would be kind and welcoming to the kids, and cold to B and P!

So how long should the brother and his new partner be condemned and ignored for? Is there a set time till they've served their punishment? How many of their families have the right to sit in judge and jury? Just siblings and parents or does this right extend to other family members.. Aunts, uncles, cousins? Where does it end?

If I've read the OP's post correctly, the brother didn't ask his family to lie for him or make them choose between his ex and his now partner. He kept them all out of if and only admitted to it much later. Obviously I'm not congratulating his discretion but he hasn't exactly set out to hurt his sister and parents.

It's a horrible thing he did to his ex but she's moving on and coping by the sounds of it. I just don't see why the OP is so offended and hurt by it.

you sound lovely. FWIW my STBXH walked out on me and my 22mo DS, I'm 37weeks pg, about 5mo ago for OW. The fact that he is a shitbag has been made considerably easier by his lovely mum and sisters supporting and welcoming me and my son, involving us where appropriate in visits from DS's cousin's etc.

I don't expect his family to ostracise him and I know that eventually OW will be sat in my vacated chair at xmas/weddings etc - that's ok, it's just life. She's welcome to my ex!! Knowing that she will be there isn't that hard to deal with actually, because I've moved on emotionally from the awful feeling of being dumped. I actually think his family have found it harder (like you) to get over knowing she's the OW and they are trying to act the innocents while I'm still pregnant with his DC.

As a result, my lovely SIL's have been kind enough to say to me they think she's a pretty poor replacement. And while I wouldn't want them to be horrible to OW, it's nice to be told I was valued by his family... more importantly, to know that my 2DC are valued and welcomed by them still. OW will have her own shit to deal with, I'm just glad my children haven't lost their extended family as well as their dad on a daily basis. I'm sure your SIL feels exactly the same.

I like my new sil much better than the old one!! But still think my bro was an utter prick for the way he dealt with his affair and the whole moving on. ..fwiw very similar tale to yours.

Just don't hold any grudges, yes he has behaved badly, but don't take it out on her, unless of course you know she tempted him away just for badness' sake! She is in an awkward position and is just making the best of it I am sure. And if your ex sil can be gracious then I am sure everyone else can manage it.

My ex sil has effectively cut us out of her life....she keeps in the barest of contact with my ma, and has never replied to any phone call that I have made....and I made it pretty clear that I felt my brother had behaved shockingly. Her loss.

My nieces keep occasional contact on fb, with me and moreso with my children, but they are a good deal older than the children in the op.

If my brother did this to my SIL and DN I would have no time for him or the woman he did it with.

Pretty much ever.

I would never consider their bastard family to be anything to do with me.

My SIL and DNs would still have the same place in my heart and life they have now.

"bastard family"....??? Really??

Yeah really.

Walking out on a young family to create another one with your mistress is an act of unforgivable selfishness.

There is no excuse, no reason that makes it OK to be that kind of wanker.

They deserve to be social pariahs.

What I'd your brother went on to have more kids with his new partner? Would they be 'bastards' unworthy of your love?

What if your ex SIL did something that went against your moral code? Would she then be ex communicated? And your neices and nephews?

What if your ex SIL decided she didn't want to see you anymore so your only option to see your neices and nephews was via your now ostracised brother? Would you suck it up then?

What if, not what I'd. Sorry for typo.

My brother would be pretty much dead to me, so any new offspring would be irrelevant.

If my SIL wanted to break contact, that would be up to her. Obviously.

What if one of your kids, when they are grown up, have an affair and break up their marriage. Will you be so cut and dried about it then or is your brother particularly expendable?

I think I'd cut him a wide berth for now. If he asked why, I'd tell him I need to until I can digest what a dicksmack I have for a brother.

If it was my child I would maintain a relationship with them but never have anything to do with their new "partner". If that was not acceptable, then I guess they would be expendable.

I would still consider my original SIL to be my family.