Just wish I could make friends

[WantSomeMates]

I am a SAHM with a 3-year-old DS and a wonderful DH. We have a nice house, I can afford not to work, I have a lovely DS and a wonderful DH who would do anything for me. I have everything to be thankful for, but I have no friends. I?ve always found it difficult to make friends, the friends I do have are very close friends, but they have tended to move away for various reasons, after all, people have their own lives and move on to different things, and although we keep in touch I have no friends locally. I have been to toddler groups with DS when he was younger, and have made lots of aquaintences there, people who I would talk to and would talk to me in the street, but no firm friendships, even though I have, on many occasions, suggested they come round with their kids etc, they generally just say that ?oh yeh, we should arrange something?, and then I tend to never see them again or it just doesn?t happen. Generally people find it easy to talk to me, I am the kind of person that people tend to talk to about their personal problems, and lots of people have said that I am a good listener and give good advice, but that?s where it ends.

Me and DH don?t have any friends as a couple, as DH doesn?t work locally so all his friends are in London where he works. He goes out once every 3 or 4 weeks maybe and I certainly don?t begrudge him that as he works hard and deserves to go out and have some fun with his friends. He?s said to me that if I didn?t want him to go out then he wouldn?t, but I feel that would be selfish, after all, just because I don?t have a social life doesn?t mean he?s not entitled to one.

I?ve been out on my own once since DS was born, and before that I could count the occasions on 1 hand. I just would like to be able to go out once in a while, just to be able to say that ?I?m going out tonight?, but I just can?t see it ever happening.

My family have put me down ever since I can remember, in fact it?s a bit of a standing joke between my mum and my sister that I don?t have any friends. It?s very hurtful but they?re right and I don?t know what, if anything, I can do about it. I just wish I knew why it is that people don?t want to be friends with me. My DH has said to me on so many occasions that he doesn?t understand why either, and that if people can?t see me for the person I am then it?s their loss, but it does hurt and I don?t know how to get past it.

Sorry this sounds so sad and pathetic, and I?m not really expecting to find the answers here, but I just needed to get it off my chest.

Sounds like you need a boost yourself - especially if your family put you down. Don't try too hard - maybe take up an evening class thats not child related and be available for any drinks etc afterwards or go to a gym or exercise class regularly.

What about getting a part time job if ds is at nursery? Something that you fancied but never did - will give you a new circle of friends even if it is only a few hours a week.

It is hard and its great that people confide in you but I feel that if you relax people will come to you.

Oh lovely it's awful your family saying that about you. I can really identify with a lot of what you are saying there. A few thoughts:-
1)could you arrange to leave DS with DH, and go and see your friends one weekend, go out, etc
2)if you arrange to go evening classes/book group/exercise class of an evening etc, just so you feel that you do something for you
3)you could try meeting people via the meet up section on here, or talking more to people on here via MSN, as that can lead to closer friendships

I think it is very common to fall off the social radar after having children, we are all so preoccupied with our own kids/lives, that you get tunnel vision at times. Honestly, I am sure there is nothing at all wrong with you. It's tough trying to make more than superficial friendships when you feel that all you've got in common with many of the M & T people you meet is that you have kids.

I have recently started a part-time college course while DS is at nursery. It is a bit of a strange setup though, as all the others doing the same course seem to appear and then disappear again afterwards, lol. Evenings are difficult as DH often doesn't get home till after 7 so by the time he's come and DS is in bed etc it's 8:00 so no time really

Try and take some time for you as well - i found it hard to become me again and not a mum

i know how you feel, i live 400 miles away from my family and have quite a few acquaitances but few real friends nearby. But sometimes you find a really good friend in bizarre places like swimming pools gyms or even out on a regular walk.

I think it's a bit like finding a bloke - that you end up making real friends in the unlikeliest of places, and have to meet loads of people first before you find one you'll click with.

MTS is a wise lady

I was also going to suggest something like getting involved with the local NCT. Our branch does regular coffee mornings, family brunches and Mum's Nights Out, and its all very friendly and welcoming.

Also, I think a good idea is to be specific with your invitations -invite one or two people round at a particular day/time. I did this - very nervously - with people from my antenatal class and we have had lunch together once a week ever since (18 months ago).

Why not try an MN meet up?

If you've only just started the course maybe the other students are feeling a bit shy too? It can take a while for people to open up - so don't give up. Also, are you going to send your DS to nursery? That (and, later on, school) is a good way of meeting other mums. Nearly all my close friends are mums I've met since having my son - so don't think you're doomed to a life of solitude! Also, with mums you have already met, I think that you need to be more specific. Instead of saying to someone, "we must get together" you need to take the bull by the horns and invite them over or arrange a time when you meet for coffee or go to the playground. There are so many mums who are in your situation - you just need to have the courage to make the first move. xx

All my network of friends are other mums i met through school in fact i am just back in after a really good night out it can be hard at first to jump in but is worth the effort.

Would you not go to a mums and tots group in your area, you can share your experiences with other mums, it just seems you need a little push in the right direction to boost your confidence. I felt like that after my second child.I will keep reading your thread to see how you are getting on.
Good luck!

it is hard and we can all empathise

if evenings are so difficult, could you have a "party" night and invite some mothers from your DS's nursery?

candle party
VirginV party
chocolate party

You could find a party organiser, and book the party and then hand out invitations.

I know it sounds a lot but if you actually have the invitations to hand out, people have a date in their hand & if there are lots of mums, you might all get enthusiastic

just a thought

Hi WSM,

The other ladies who have posted here have given you great advice and I would urge you to try their ideas out.

"My family have put me down ever since I can remember, in fact it?s a bit of a standing joke between my mum and my sister that I don?t have any friends".

That sentence in particular troubled me. Being put down verbally is bloody awful, it does knock your confidence/self esteem over time and is particularly hard to deal with especially if family does it. This sentence you wrote, to me, is the heart of the problem and why at heart you feel the way you do. I assume these two ladies are somehow jealous of you and therefore project their own insecurities on you. I don't personally think your family (sis/mum) are right at all.

I don't think you've ever lost the ability to make friends at all or had trouble making friends. Many friendships are transient in nature and people's friendships circles change all the time.

Your family's put downs (presumably that started at a young age) have affected you greatly by questionning your own ability to make friends. Purely from this standpoint you may want to talk this through with a counsellor.

Where do you live WSM? If you're anywhere near me, I'll meet up with you! You never know, we might even live in the same place...

I second that mamag if u live in my area ill meet up wih u.

Although nobody usually lives anywhere near my bit of Cumbria ...

I live in nottinghamshire near sherwood forest

Hi WSM
My husband works in London too and I know it can be a long day as he doesn't get in til at least 7.30pm. Please do tell us where you are from as you may be near me in Gravesend and I would love to meet up - my ds is 2.

WSM, I really identify with your problem. It's a vicious circle - you think "I can't make friends" so when you're talking to people you hold back, which they sense and so think you're invitations are just politeness, so you don't make friends with them and it reinforces your belief that you just can't make friends.

I think the advice on this thread is right - you need to try a few different avenues and be specific with invites. How about asking a few people in your evening class if they fancy going for a drink after the class as a group? Or offering a specific playdate to someone with kids the same age as yours?

Hi I think many people would identify with you. We all think everyone else is having such a knees up all the time. When I moved from my last house I used to drop my daughter at pre-school and come home and cry regularly! I missed all my friends so much and everyone else seemed to be in a group and have friends and no time! However, things did change and I had to make a lot of effort. Even now if I don't make an actual date with people it doesn't happen. We all say, must get together, or you must come round, but even with my closest friends, you HAVE to set a time and date.

You will make friends. Some people you will invite round and not click at all. My NCT group were friendly but we only had the children in commmon (as we had babies the same time). But I have made friends through school, pre-school, etc, etc. I even made one friend through watching our children swimming lessons! But you do have to make the first move and if they turn you down - what have you lost!?? It is THEIR lose. You need to change your mind set which is hard I know. Try and face the day with "I am a friendly person and everyone, if they knew me, would just give their right arm to be a friend of mine!". If you come across as friendly and confident, that attracts people, and not just those who want to off load their problems as that just might drag you down too!
Once your child is at school you will meet a lot more people and you can start to getto know people by going on PTA etc, etc. Then that in turn leads to a drink after planning the cake stall etc, etc!! Things will change, you sound like a lovely person and I am sure you are!

Wantsome mates I am in almost exactly the same position as you, except that I don't have a DH and no family within 400 miles! So really my DS is my only regular company. I'm not so much a standing joke as an object of pity (with family and ex) for being 'friendless' as if it is some sort of inherent, almost physical flaw in my make up.

For a start, I think a lot of my trouble with socialising stems from childhood, I too have self-esteem issues stemming from poor parenting, also we never socialised as a family, I was never taught how to make small talk, get to know people, and at a more fundamental level the low self esteem makes me kind of believe I'm not worth talking to anyway.

However I find all suggestions such as 'join a gym' frankly patronising and unrealistic. Even toddler groups, how many of us make real lasting friendships out of these places? How many of us really hate the bloody things, find them intimidating, and only go because our kids have such a good time? As for gyms and evening classes etc it's very easy - in fact it's the done thing, most of the time - to attend such things without ever making eye contact with anyone else, let alone starting a conversation.

I have just moved to a new area and for my son's sake am making a real effort to make friends. TBH I could do without the hassle of trying to make myself seem appealing, politically correct etc to various strangers who might therefore allow their children to be friendly with mine, and themselves to be seen in my company having coffee or whatever. But I persevere, under pressure from aforementioned family and friends who think I might be burdening DS with my own anti-social baggage. I admit that I freeze in social situations that involve more than two other people and I don't want DS to have those feelings, like he's always putting his foot in it whenever he opens his mouth, that everyone he meets hates him etc.

I guess it's not really the done thing on here to promote other websites but I've tried netmums.co.uk who have a 'Meet a Mum' facility so you can get in touch with people in your local area, you place an ad saying exactly what it is you're missing, or what you're looking for, and wait for the replies to come roling in. I've met a few mums this way and it's nice to have some company for a couple of hours a week at least, also my DS enjoys having some company for the park. It's more specific than the meet up chat room on mumsnet, in terms of locality and who exactly you are looking to meet up with.

What is more important IMO is that you take a stand against the people who are crushing your confidence, family or not. Tell them their behaviour is shitty, that it cuts you to the quick. They are obviously too ignorant to realise the effect they are having, you might be doing all of you a favour by pointing it out. And you can also tell them that being Miss F-ing Popularity isn't the be-all and end-all of life. It's actually less important than it seems, in the big scheme of things, and is really just another socio-cultural rating: how many friends do you have, are you pretty, are you thin, how much disposable income do you have, where do you go on holiday and how hot is your other half. I'm approaching thirty, single with a fat arse and I'm pretty bloody broke. That makes me about 1 out of 10 in the cool stakes. So what. I'm healthy, I have a beautiful son, it's nearly spring. While it might be fun, I don't need a monthly girls' trip to Pizza Express to validate my existence. Nor do you!

I've just moved from London area to Nottinghamshire leaving all my friends and family behind. I have found it hard to make friends but through the school run say hello to lot of ppl in street at local shop playground suppose its gotta start somewhere. I do have DH family nearby and a couple we are friendly with but still miss my friends and family. Moved up here 8 months ago so i suppose these things take time.

curvybebe - where in Nottinghamshire? Anywhere near Mansfield?

Not sure if i'm near mansfield..!! My geography i rubbish! I live in Retford near Worksop

I went to Retford yesterday for lunch at a really nice pub called the Litten Tree! I highly recommend it. Retford is also a gorgeous place! Apparently Rowan Atkinson lives there too!

It's about 20 miles away from Mansfield but if you want to meet up or owt let me know.

I was in Litten tree friday night.. Small world..! We should arrange to meet. I have 2 DD,s one of 5 the other 2.