I want a baby, he doesn't. What to do?

[ReallyWantABaby]

Backstory. We have 2 dds already. We had pretty much agreed we would stop at 2, even though I wanted another.
I fell pg accidentally (not using protection as we've had fertility issues in the past) in Feb. He didn't want to keep it but eventually agreed that we would manage. Miscarried in April at 12 weeks :( I am absolutely devastated, even 10 weeks on I cry every day about it.

All I can think about is being pg again and having another baby. He just says it isn't happening. We have only had sex once since it happened and he insisted on using condoms. I cried afterwards and don't want to have sex again using condoms.

So what advice do people have for either persuading him to go for it or for accepting what has happened and moving on?

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I haven't been in your shoes, so can't advise re: accepting and moving on. But persuading him isn't very realistic - you can't persuade him anymore than he could persuade you to come round to his thinking, and I'm sure you know, that's not how you want it, and it's not fair on anyone.

Again, I'm so sorry, it's an awful situation.

How sad. I really sympathise but don't have any magic wand advice Im afraid. It must be so hard when you disagree on something so important and its not like you can compromise.

I suppose you could look at each of your reasons for feeling the way you do any see if anything can be worked out. Perhaps he has a fear which you could reassure?

The only thing is that i have seen threads like this before and a lot of responses were quite harsh. Along the "Tough, deal with it!" variety!

The problem with that is that accepting you will not have another child when you really want one is not exactly easy. There will always be that feeling that he has contributed to your sadness. Does he understand how strongly you feel about it?

Personally if my husband really wanted another and i wasn't sure i could possibly come round to the idea as i love him and want him to be happy. The same if i did and he didn't, i am sure he would agree to it and would of course we would love the child as much as our others.

But, if you both feel really, really strongly

It is sad. And I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. He might change his mind though. But I wanted a third child too but DH didn't. But said if it happened by some sort of accident then that was OK. Which was a bit infuriating. The other posters are right. There isn't a magic wand. Hope you sort things out.

I think you might need some counselling to help you come to terms with your loss. 10 weeks is not a very long time to get over losing a child, which seems to be how you view it?

I am sorry for your loss. Can he change your mind? I suspect not. And I would imagine you can't change his. Dh wasn't keen on having a second, I was. The reason he was worried about dd. I assured him she would be ok. I have a brother and he has a younger sister. If they were ok, dd would be.
But he wasn't adamant about it and his fear (he agreed) was silly. If he really doesn't want one, do you want one enough that would leave?
I believe that, where possible, both people should want the baby. Not be doing so their partner doesn't leave.
As for the condoms, he is sensible. He doesn't want another so he is making sure protection is used. People always talk about men who don't want babies should not rely on female contraception to work 100% and should protect themselves. That's what he is doing.

Also i would have thought if your dh was going to change his mind it would have been after the miscarriage and seeing how devastated you are. I wouldn't have been surprised if he had realised his true feelings then but these do appear to be his true feelings.

Also give yourself sometime. 10 weeks is not very long. I am sure this is contributing to your desperation for a child. Do you need to seek help or counselling?

"All I can think about is being pg again and having another baby. He just says it isn't happening."

Lovely.

I do know that 10 weeks isn't long to get over something like this. But I've now been grieving longer than I knew I was pg and that seems strange to me, especially when the rest of the world has moved on and nobody else seems to care anymore. Counselling is probably a good idea but I can't seem to make myself go to the gp and get referred. Saying it out loud is somehow worse than typing it.

The world moves on with any passing. When adults pass, the rest of the world moves on. Usually after the funeral. Its part of life. People will grieve with yiuvat first, but have their own lives to go on with. I am not trying say they are heartless but people can not carry everyone elses sadness with them.
As the person closest to the one that has been lost, the fact they are moving on can make you angry. I know I was. I kind of felt 'how dare you be happy when my world has ended. Don't you get what has been lost'
But, I promise, this too shall pass. You will always be sad but it will become live able.
I would recommend holding off on any baby plans until you are in a better place and have dealt with your feelings.

Is he speaking from pain and fear, having also felt like he has lost a child?

My dp is very strong minded and tough. However, he thinks of our unborn child as his child, not a foetus or an embryo, a child, which it seems is a view you share? Maybe your dh wants to protect you all from it happening again...

It isn't about the length of time you knew you were pg and time that's passed since you miscarried.

You're grieving for the child that wasn't to be; for all of the years of that not-to-be child's life with its events and milestones and for all of the joy that's been denied you by the loss of that potential dc.

Regardless of whether you have another child or not, after the razor sharp jagged edges of grief have been smoothed by time there'll always be occasions when you'll feel sorrow at what might have been.

Go easy on yourself, honey. Time isn't the great healer it's purported to be but the passing of time does enable us to reach some accomodaton, some ease of mind, in relation to those events that are entirely beyond our control and which seem to have no rhyme or reason.

I know 10 weeks seems like a long time, but you probably had the next 12 months mapped out in your head. I didn't get over my mc (at 12 wks) until after the due date. Once that had happened and there really was nothing there I seemed to get it somehow. I think what DPrince says about other people moving on is right, they do, they have to.

I actually do know all of this in my head. I don't expect to still get sympathy from everyone, I know people move on, I know I don't remember other people's sadness this long. I also know I should be dealing with the feelings about this baby before I even think about having another.

BUT in my heart I don't want to move on, I don't want to have to face these feelings as they're too painful, I don't want to be the only person who is still sad that my baby died. I just want a baby. I specifically want that baby, but another baby seems like an acceptable second best to me. I hate that dp went back to his normal life after just a couple of days, he didn't take any time off work, he doesn't seem to have grieved at all, he seems almost relieved. We don't talk about it and I'm not sure if that's because dp doesn't want to upset me or if it's because he really doesn't think about it any more.

Men deal with things differently. Because he is dealing with it differently to you doesn't make it wrong.
I am sure he is upset too.

Really that's so sad and I would have thought normal of you to feel like that. You're in mourning.

I don't know if your DP's reaction is standard...maybe it happened more to you than him, because of the mechanics of it - part of your body etc. Maybe you just deal with things differently - some prefer to keep busy, aren't great talkers etc.

It does sound like you'd benefit from someone to talk to. You are rightly heartbroken.

you really want another baby. you did before you were pregnant, before you miscarried.

that isn't going to go away by itself. a natural reaction to a M/c is to want to conceive ASAP also. some people will come to terms with it though.

when you talk about it, what reasons does your DP give for not wanting another child?

I know I really want another baby, I have always wanted another baby, I was only managing to convince myself it was ok not to because I knew he didn't want to and with our previous fertility problems it seemed unlikely to happen without some serious planning.

He doesn't want another child because he doesn't think it's practical. His biggest worry is financial as we can't really afford to have 2 dcs in childcare (dd1 is old enough that she doesn't need childcare), he doesn't think the house is big enough (it's 3 bedrooms so a third child would just mean 2dcs sharing a room, hardly a big problem), he thinks our standard of living would drop too much (it would drop, but we'd still be doing better than a lot of people around the country), he thinks it would be too much work, etc. He has lots of reasons why he doesn't want another but there aren't any that I think can't be worked round.

You seem to have two things to deal with.

Saw this article and thought of you:

www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/may/12/miscarriage-saying-goodbye-services

Much as he is being practical about the extra work involved and the cost implications, you are happy to forgo all that because you have a greater emotional need for having another than he does, neither of you are wrong. Give it time as the urgency is greater at the moment because you may be trying to replace the loss.
A break from new baby talk and dealing with what's happened, as well as enjoying each other for love and intimacy reasons may be a good thing, then see how each other feels in 6months to a year.
He's more likely to come around if the pressure is eased off for a while. If he still never agrees, then just have to count your blessings for the DD's you have, it's more than some get in life, so it certainly should not be a marriage-breaker or misery-maker and you may feel that to compromise is less hard by then as you accepted his decision before this happened.

Open it really isn't a marriage-breaker (not that we're actually married). It would have been before dd2, and in fact I thought about leaving before he agreed to ttc her. It's not now, but it does feel like a misery-maker. I know I have more than other people, I know I'm being selfish and self-absorbed but I can't help it right now.

I think I may need to bite the bullet and try to organise some counselling. I can't carry on like this, bottling everything up and not talking to anyone, it's miserable and lonely :(

I'm so sorry for your loss. You are right to feel heartbroken, and he is right to be honest about his feelings. It is a tough time for you as a couple.
The good thing is, you are talking openly and in some detail about the situation.

Can I ask how old you are? I wonder if you can afford to wait a year, have some counselling, give yourself some time to come to terms with your loss. A similar thing is happening to my friend but she is 40 and is desperate to change his mind.

I'm 33, so yes we have time to wait and talk more about it later. I just worry that it will only get harder to conceive as we get older and we have already had fertility problems when trying for dd2.
And no we aren't talking openly and in detail about the situation. We're not talking about it at all really, I assume he knows how I feel (the bursting into tears over everything should be a big clue) and he assumes I know how he feels as it hasn't changed since before the pg and mc. I actually don't think he would recognise me from this thread as I'm putting on a brave face most of the time. I am talking about it on here but I have never said anything to anyone irl, the words won't come out of my mouth.

If you let this overtake the good things that you presently have in life and create misery where it does not have to be, then you will risk wasting what you already have. Counselling is probably a good idea, knowing is not the same as believing or feeling. It's hard to keep a perspective when coping with a trauma.

My ideal life? 2 kids and a supportive partner for life. The reality is quite different but I'm not bitter, it just turned out that way and I had my part to play in that. Single mother to a gorgeous DS, working full-time, tired often - but it's fine once you accept the situation, my world has not caved in and I enjoy many things that life has to offer. If one spends time lamenting what may never be and chasing an ideal future it just makes the present miserable.

If you are doing such a great job of hiding your feelings that you don't think he'd recognise you from this thread, then maybe he doesn't know how strongly you feel. Maybe he feels that your sadness is all about losing your baby, and doesn't realise you are also sad about not having more children.

From what you've said about wanting the baby you have lost, and that another baby would be the next best thing, I do think that you need to have grief counselling before you decide what (if anything) to do about wanting another child.

That doesn't mean that you don't need to talk about your desire for another child either with the counsellor or with your partner - probably both.