Help me...

[milkymocha]

..to help myself.
Finally built up the courage to call it a day with my childrens dad. I have been feeling miserable and lonely for weeks. Someone hold my hand and tell me it will be ok :(

My head feels clearer than it has for months today, like a switch has been turnt on in my head. I cant deal with the drunken antics every weekend, the constant arguements.

Yet i still feel so guilty that my children will never have a 'normal' family again. Life is hard!

It will be ok! [holding hand]

I think the stable home life you create will be a lot more normal than what has gone on before. But it is natural to feel guilty. I know I did too. It will get easier x

You didn't cause the non-normal family, he did. You HAD to do this, to show them what is right. I know it's hard tho, but what else could you do? I also think that clean pain is better than dirty pain. Now you won't be worrying about it all night and all day anymore. And you will be able to parent your children and they will be happier. In fact all of you will be happier soon. Time to re-arrange the house now. ;)

Must have been a difficult decision for you.

Hopefully the arguments will calm down which will benefit the children but getting as much rl support and help as possible is the best approach.

Hope it goes ok.

It isn't 'normal' to have to deal with drunken antics every weekend and constant arguments.

Life may not be easy from now on but you are now free to make your own decisions... decisions which will benefit your children. Don't feel guilty.

Thanks ladies.
I feel a bit lost but not angry/upset. I think i am worried about other peoples reactions too? Sounds pathetic when i see it written.

We ended on good terms (he did not want to leave) but, i know i need to keep strong now. I want happy children who dont see mummy cry...

He still has keys to my flat. His arguement is that if anything happened to our bpys he should have access to my home.
Shall i engage in replying to texts? I dont want to lead him on but equally dont want to be cruel/unfair.

I want to sort out access for him to see my babies (the thought of it makes me want to cry - iam never without them ) but is it too soon?

Any advice would be greatly welcome, i really need some guidance today!

I would ask for the key back tbh. He maybe civil right now but what if he's cross/ drunk one day and does something rash?

Can he see the children on neutral territory like at a PIL house at a specific time? I would ease them into overnight stays overtime and buy a book like "two homes" beforehand to get them adjusted to the thought of it. IF you can trust him not to get drunk whilst looking after them or similar though!

Mine were very small when I separated so contact was mainly at mine, but my ExH respected my boundaries. It will depend on how reasonable he is to what you agree to tbh. It is early days, see how things go for now perhaps?

Yes he could see them at mother in laws but i would be unhappy for them to stay over as ds1 is a bad sleeper and ds2 is only 11 weeks old. I know that sounds very unreasonable but, i cant help feeling like that.

He only drinks at the weekend (very heavily though) so i would not be worried about that. His mum is amazing though so i would imagine it would actually be her doing the most with them whilst they visit.

Its been a long time coming, i have been telling him for months how i wanted to break etc but today after another night of him coming home at 2am (no phobecall/text) blind drunk and waking my newborn AGAIN i finally flipped. This morning he told our 2 year old that 'mummy is a whore' and that he was going to take them both from me as i was a bad mum a light came on in my head, i know i deserve better.
Hes been out for the past 7 weekends in a row and apparently he was 'scared to come home as i go mad at him Again :s'

He used to be amazing. Not sure how it went so wrong so quickly :(

Has he actually left as in taken his belongings with him?

From what you've just said, it sounds as if nothing's changed and he doesn't intend to go anywhere.

No one expects an 11 week old to do overnights, and they are something you work up to.
You need to get the key back, not listening when you want to end it, turning up at 2 am, calling you a whore and threatening to take the kids is all abusive and enough to get a harassment order. If he comes again call the police, but do get a bolt on the door, or the locks changed.

No, 11 weeks is very young. That would be terribly hard on you.

Mine were 11 months and 2.3 years when I separated. My ExH didn't live in appropriate accommodation (tiny dirty bedsit) and his parents lived far away, so there wasn't an option to have them overnight at that stage but he couldn't have coped anyway.

See what he asks for contact wise? I hope he doesn't keep trying to poison your sons mind, that is not helpful at all and would put me off contact away from my home more than anything, as I'd be concerned what he would say. Hopefully it was purely as he was angry. Not that that makes it right at all

The most helpful book I read on helping the children at this time was called "What about the children". So I can recommend that to you to read when the dust settles and you feel calmer. Take it one day at a time right now. No big decisions as yet imo.

Yes mummytime is right. All good points

Good Luck - it will all be fine and very quickly you will feel better - in fact a couple of weekends not having to deal with a drunk should do it!

Get your keys back pronto or change the locks (assuming it is your place).

You don't have to respond to texts (I hate this as a way of communicating anything complex) but as contact isn't sorted you do have to decide on a method of communication - what about email? You then have a record of responses (and of the things he has said) and time to gather your thoughts before you respond.

Yes he has left and taken basic things with him (work clothes) as he still has alot of things/clothes/toiletries at his mums.

I might pack up his things myself. I dont want to seem nasty but, i really want to have my home a place where their are no reminders of him hanging about

Nothing wrong with that. Pop it all in black sacks in the hall or similar. Then rearrange the place to make it your home.

You do need to get that key back otherwise he may turn up next time he's on a bender. Your dc are definitely better off without someone who behaves like this. Don't rush into contact arrangements and don't get pressurised about overnight visits for your youngest.

Thanks for all your replies.
Its as if this behavious has become normal so for some reason i feel like maybe iam over- reacting/ being petty.
I just want to be happy.

I will definitely order the book suggested in a few weeks time. Thanks for that

He did say those things to hurt me but, saying them to our 2.2yo really upset me. I dont want my son to be spoken to like that or hear those words.

I could suggest email as a method of contact but, he would definitely see that as me being dramatic and awkward. I am a serial texter but realise this is not the best form of contact regarding our kids.

I feel so drained by him. Fed up of crying over him, hearing promises that he will change. I cant change him but i can change myself.

Upwards and onwards?

holds hand

I have good friends but, the majority of them know him too and are fond of him (hes a real charmer!) so have said 'it will work out with him etc'

They dont know the constant torment i have been through. I am trying to feel positive though - he did next to nothing of the childcare, i do everything including nightfeeds/housework/his finances/helped care for his dying dad etc so really i know i can do it all on my own its just very lonely when the kids go to bed

It is adviseable to change the locks, especially if he's likely to turn up drunk and try to enter the house.

Emails are better for arranging things, useful incase something is said then backtracked.

Solicitors give a first session free sometimes so should be able to point you in the right direction.

Find out your nearest family centre as they can provide contact area's and support to help ease the transitions.

Lastly, enjoy the peace.

Some people do find text messages work well as a method of communication. Short and to the point. Others e-mail. Honestly do what works for you both at this time. There is no fixed way of doing things that works for everyone. My ExH and I chat by phone and are amicable, but that's not suitable for everyone, if there is likely to be vitriol aimed at you. Please just hang up if that is ever the case.

I can see you're thinking a lot about the future right now.

Well done. Its normal to feel like that.I was worried I had shattered any chnace of dc having a normal family life,i just had to keep reminding myself that what we had was not a normal family life at all.

When he left my dd was still waking up all through the night,2 days later id sorted her out.
My house was cleaner,bills lower,food lasted longer (even with 3 boys) i was calmer and happier. The home was a far nicer place for the dc to live.

"Emails are better for arranging things, useful incase something is said then backtracked." That's a good point.

I have locked the door for the time being, i am not scared of him but will definitely ask for my keys back when i next see him.
I will leave them at my dads (he has a good relationship with him) so if any emergency should come up (cant think of one?) they are available.

Iam fed up of being so fed up. Ive been putting on an act for so long ive forgotten who i really am.

If iam truly honest it upsets me the most thinking that now i have to 'share' my kids. Ive spent over 2 years doing everything for them/making every decision. He has done so little parenting that being with him was like being a single parent.

Now we are apart i dont know how iam going to cope with the boys going off with him for the day/eventually staying overnight.

I know iam jumping the gun but, this thought has troubled me deeply for the past few months.