Why can't DH just "suck it up" - I have to!

[Frassels]

He makes such a fuss - it like a child at times and it pisses me off no end.

Like when something happens: kids give him a knock when they get a bit carried away, someone makes him dirty, drops something on him - he just makes such a song and dance about things. He is very critical too so if things are right he goes on about it - problem is he rarely actually bothers his arse to fix the thing he is moaning about - he is not a doer.

Me I just deal with things and move on, rarely do I vocalise.

I'm really busy at the moment with all the usual house stuff I am also doing up another house that we are moving to.

How do I tell his to grow up and stop behaving like my 3rd child. It is really affecting our relationship, I rarely ask him to do anything as I know that there will be some issue brought up (he can never just quietly get on with something) and often there is direct critisism of the way I do/deal with the thing in question. I just can't be bothered with him - i guess I have lost respect for him - not too sure how to get it back - we just seem to be coming from such different places at the moment.

I had a similar experience, I had a frank conversation "I don't fancy you when I feel like your mum, I want to be in a partnership rather than feel like I'm parenting". I avoided "you always" type statements and used the "when you do that I feel like this" type parenting technique, ironically.

I actually think he is a bit depressed - or that the very least sees life pretty much wholly from a pessimistic angle. I'm have to be doubly optimistic to counteract him and not taint the DC too much with his morose! That is hard work in itself sometimes!

He won't acknowledged this of course....

Oh yes, That's what I have.

Him: "she's poked me in the eye! My eye! My eye hurts! Is it ok? Look in it? It's really hurting"

Me: "Yes, you have been poked in the eye. It hurts when you get poken in the eye"

OTOH I managed to stick scissors in my eyeball and didn't think to mention it until he noticed a bit of my cornea hanging off.

I don't know what to do about it, because I have coped the last 10 years by being a bit 'meh' and TBH harshly unsympathetic. He knows my only response is going to be "the paracetamol are in the cupboard". But this has led to DH thinking that I don't love him :( He needs the assurance and validation. If he makes me a cup of tea, or does the hoovering, or buys me a mars bar, he wants me to say how much I appreciate it, where as I'll do things for him as a matter of course and he won't notice because I don't say 'Ta Da!' and stand there waiting for applause.

I really need help with this ATM too, so I'd like to see the responses you get..

It is exhausting isn't it? My DH has a habit of moaning about having a sore head and when I say, "oh dear have to taken something for it", he replies " I don't like to take pills, you know that!" [head and brick wall symbol required]

Really, why did you bother to tell me!

I'm being lighthearted but really it is a very big problem - I'm beginning to see him as another dependent....

I have no answer cos I used to go out with one of them and I buggered off!

I'm going to be generous to your respective Hs here.

Are you sure this isn't purely about differing communication styles? Does "I've got a headache" mean "... so what are you going to do about it?" Or does it mean "Waah! give me some lurve!"

I'm a vocaliser (and a bit of a rubbish doer, tbh, but I get there). I hate it when people don't say what they're feeling, offer feedback, etc. Two of my biggest pet hates are hinting and not saying thank-you. I am horrified, Nagoo, that you stuck scissors in your eye but didn't say anything!!

Anyway. I recognise that about half the world doesn't say thank-you. So I do, if necessary, go "tah dah!" when I've made them a cup of tea. I'll do pretty much anything to get the verbal 'strokes' I need. When I say I've got a headache, I might appreciate being asked if I want paracetamol, but not immediately asked what I've done about it. I can take a bloody pill by myself - I just want recognition. "Oh dear" will do

So ... Are you two living with lazy manipulators, or is it mainly a matter of interrupted feedback?

But surely as grown man should just get on with it - he does not need to be asked if he wants a pill - he should bloody well just go and sort himself out!

Really, I have enough to do, and he obviously just does not see or appreciate that!

I was cutting my fringe, garlic I thought I'd just poked my eye A couple of hours later, trust me I knew about it, for some reason it didn't hurt staright away

it means 'waaah give me some lurve'.

I didn't think I was heartless, I just don't need so much putting in as some people garlic

frassels I remember reading about my cat, when it was pissing all over the floor. The advice was to love the cat, stroking it in front of the other cats, being all fussy with it. It stopped pissing on the floor.

Bloody hell. Poor you, Nagoo!

Frassels ... what can I say. Human relationships aren't always about practicalities. Sounds like you could both do a reminder about that, tbh. As you're feeling unappreciated, it's not that surprising you don't feel like giving him 10 seconds of sympathy when he wants some. It needs to go both ways.

How many times have you tried talking about being nicer to each other?

Love what you wrote about your cat, Nagoo :) Good point.

" I rarely ask him to do anything as I know that there will be some issue brought up (he can never just quietly get on with something) ".

You are very calm. This reminds me of my 9 year old making a song and dance about a few chores. But sometimes he does them with no moaning. I couldn't be bothered having to do that with a grown man too. Probably real, sensible talk might help? Its hard to know what to suggest apart from that. It could be a personality thing, how work is divided, or just the dynamics of the relationship, probably only you have more perspective on which it is.

Frassels, you sound as if you have a bit of martyr syndrome going on. I can't imagine that's a situation he can win in.

ExpatAl - yes probably I am a bit of a martyr - it is just that I am so used to coping. I brought up both the DSs practically as a midweek single parent - DS left the house at 7am and got home at 7.30/8pm every night.When he got home his contribution to the house was to take his dinner out of the fridge and microwave it! That meant I had the 4pm - bed shift to do myself every night - pretty relentless if you do it for 5yrs plus...

So I like to do things my way and I guess really he doesn't get that much say - mainly because when he does he is critical and I have no tolerance for criticism. In my book he hasn't earned the right to it!

It sounds pretty stressful. I can see why you feel like you do but it sounds pretty unpleasant. Is it worth faking it until you make it? Maybe if you voiced appreciation consistently he would stop with the defensive criticism and you would both become lovelier fluffier people and skip hand in hand in a meadow?

Yes maybe I should - but I part of me thinks why on earth should I?

I guess I just don't feel appreciated and I therefore find it difficult to show compassion. Really DH is just another annoyance at the moment.....

We are struggling with DS2 behavior (very strong willed, jyst cannot be told) and, as usual, we have differing opinions as to how it is best tackled - I take a lot of his comments as a direct critisimof my mothering, "he has been spoiled", "he gets his own way too much", "they never tidy up after themselves". I feel I am totally stretched just looking after the kids without adding him into the mix. It all feels rather like hard work atm.

Okay my sugar coating was crap. But i was pretty much you until my dh told me some pretty painful home truths. We're good now but I had to do some major rethinking. My shitty behaviour was due to self esteem issues (i see now) and so I changed my job and some routines and things are good. I put my dh in a position where he could ONLY be negative and not very nice. And then likewise he did that to me. It was a vicious circle. Something has to change for you because you must both be unhappy.

self esteem issues isn't quite right, but I was definitely unhappy with my own lot and had got in such a rut that I didn't even see that I had the power to change my circumstances.
For the ds2 thing. Is it worth getting a mediator in to help thrash out a game plan?
DH is your husband. Your partner. Someone you fancied enough to have sex with at least twice!! You really shouldn't talk about him like that. You're reinforcing your attitude everytime you do.

Yes i am unhappy and have been for quite a while. I feel my whole house is filled with negativity and i am much happier and the dc more contented, when he is not here- there is too much fretting and flapping going onwhen his is - it feels like everyone is on a knife edge.

But...i do not want us to split up. I want to care again and i want us to be a happy family - just haven't worked out how on earth we are meant to get there!

If your DH is about the house more than he used to be
I think you 2 need to rewrite your rule book,as it were.Sort of start again as regards chores etc,childminding etc with a bit of a clean slate.
if you were to do that,what would you come up with.
It might even be necessary to leave them all on their own,and you go off and have a 3 day well earned break without them.My guess is when you got back, your DH will have learned an awful lot.He will have made a few mistakes along the way,but you wouldnt know about them,and he would have had a chance to self correct.Hopefully

Yes but it is the truth - i talk about him like that because that, in reality, is what he is like..

Well if you're in a silent fury with him every time he breathes I imagine there is just a teeny bit of tension in the household. Make your favourite meal and have a happy chatty meal then watch a comedy. Lighten the air. Tomorrow morning ask him what he'd like to do with the day. Tell him what you're thinking about the new house and the challenges you think there are. Don't go away on your own. Your kids won't take this well and in any case, it sounds as if you all could do with a break.

I regularly used to go away by myself.I had lots of young children.i stocked the fridge with nice food.They immediately got used to daddy doing things for them.Never did them any harm at all.Or dad