Why can't DH just "suck it up" - I have to!

[Frassels]

He makes such a fuss - it like a child at times and it pisses me off no end.

Like when something happens: kids give him a knock when they get a bit carried away, someone makes him dirty, drops something on him - he just makes such a song and dance about things. He is very critical too so if things are right he goes on about it - problem is he rarely actually bothers his arse to fix the thing he is moaning about - he is not a doer.

Me I just deal with things and move on, rarely do I vocalise.

I'm really busy at the moment with all the usual house stuff I am also doing up another house that we are moving to.

How do I tell his to grow up and stop behaving like my 3rd child. It is really affecting our relationship, I rarely ask him to do anything as I know that there will be some issue brought up (he can never just quietly get on with something) and often there is direct critisism of the way I do/deal with the thing in question. I just can't be bothered with him - i guess I have lost respect for him - not too sure how to get it back - we just seem to be coming from such different places at the moment.

I should say that,at the beginning, I never went further than about 20 miles away,in case there was an emergency,which there never was.

Oh the irony - i was away for the night last weekend. They had a fine time, he coped though the house was a tip when i got back and all the chores i had left behind were still waiting for me - did make me a bit pissed off when i got home but i didnt say anything. it was good to get a break from everyones demands. DH doesnt get that there is more to it than simply entertaining the dc - what about everything else?

Maybe i am to fussy or expect too much?

Yeah,I had slightly forgotten about the chores.My DH just did the basics,though he was also doing his own work when he could.I used to find it took a day and a half to relax when I was away,before I was able to have a clear head again,and enjoy the other day and a half.
I used to accept the added chores when I got back,I was so grateful for being able to have had the time away to myself.

I accept that everyones situations are different.I think, if I were you op,I wouldnt stop going away from time to time.It may speed up his ability in having to just cope and get on with it.My DH also used to appreciate what I had to do,a lot better than he would otherwise would have done.

Frassels, my love, when was the last time anybody asked how you are? Do your DC do nice little things for you now and again? Does DH tell you he loves something about you ... ever?

Glad you got away last weekend. Hope it was for something good?

He did say what a fantastic job i was doing organising the house renovation- it is pretty far out my comfort zone and i find it difficult so that was good to hear.

My dc are typical boys, fighting like mad one minute but then are very loving and affectionate. They do suffer from selective deafness and do take me for granted. They are only little though.

so here is a little vignette from my evening:

DH comes in at 8.30pm (to be fair he was round at the renovation)

2 minutes in the door "I've just tugged DS2 in, you never tuck him in, he will get cold". Actually I did tuck him in he is a terrible duvet kicker offer as DH know.

DH then proceeds to eat the (lovely) roast chicken dinner (complete with homemade roast potatoes and yorkshire pudding and vermouth gravy) that he didn't show for earlier. No thanks or mention of it at all.

I am washing the roasting pan and tell him to just rinse his plate over it as he wanted to rinse it and put it in the dishwasher. He then proceeds to query and critisise me for allowing this action, something along the lines of "but the roasting pan's not that dirty"!. Really FFS, get a grip. I am just trying to get washed up quickly and he finds he has to pass comment about the way that that is done!

Really I am at the end of my tether and I confess I lost it a bit, slightly irrational I know but really...just left the roasting pan and went to bed. Though have just come downstairs and surprise surprise there is said roasting pan sitting in the sink full of luke warm water waiting for me for tomorrow!

Really what am I to do - I have woken up married to a grumpy old man - he is never ever going to change back now is he! I on the other hand am a fit young and happy girl!

You both seem overworked.I am getting it right,that he is overworked too?
What were things like before,between the two of you?

To be honest I just want to be left in peace - by everyone....

I'm not that overworked, I work part time but not many hours. I do however carry the family, organisationally and financially. I don't think that DH even knows how to log in and check the bank account let alone anything else. He is quite financially niave and disinterested and happy to hand everything over to me - though I have pleaded with him in the past that I would like him to help me keep on top of things. Again, he has a habit of critising financial decisions I have made, without ever showing an interest in such matters at the time. I bought the house we are doing up (with our money) but there is no way it would have happened had I not been on top of things and pulled it all together. I think he is inherently lazy.

He has a senior job and tbh I think that is really all he can handle. As far as he sees it be is bringing in the bucks job done.

Things used to be great but have been going downhill since the DC were born. I just don't have the energy to give him that I think he needs.

I think I have more to say,but i am probably going offline till thursday.I will add more to your thread on thursday if that is ok.Mind you,if people have come on here and solved it all for you by then,I shall not be needed

You are overworked! You work part-time, do all the household stuff and have been dumped with a renovation project. How many hours a week do you get to do your own thing? (Read, sew, facials, watch what you want on TV, have coffee with friends, go for a walk/run etc.)

Would relationship counselling be possible?

It sounds like you have got a very unhealthy dynamic of communication going on here. Regardless of who is more at fault, you will both need to change in order to improve it.

As an admittedly fluffy verbaliser myself, you do sound a bit 'hard' -- I think Nagoo's story about her cat is pretty relevant. Everyone needs some amount of love and attention, things that are not necessary to get by but which make life nicer and happier.

You seem to say you don't need as much attention, but I wonder if it's more that you have learned to cope with not getting very much and now you expect others to do the same. (sucking it up, as you say) Maybe your DH doesn't want to become the kind of person who just sucks it up and goes without the fluffiness.

At the same time, I can see why his criticism would annoy you. I really think it would help to go to counselling and learn some new ways of communicating with each other, because otherwise you are probably going to split up.

Am back early,but may have to go again.
Losing respect in a relationship is a big deal.I heard or read somewhere that respect is actually love.
It sounds to me like both of you cannot cope with any bigger a workload.Can you afford to get someone to do a bit of your workload?
And could you both draw up a list of your biggest bugbears with each other and see if you can thrash something out between you.So,for instance the top of your list might be his regular critising.
One of my kids used to whine and moan quite a lot.I think that was how he was born actually.He is a lot better now.I had to tell him over many years that he could either do A or do C,but not do nothing and moan about it.He got it eventually.

Have you spelled out to him in words of one syllable how his behaviour is making you feel?

I have lots of sympathy - my DH does seem to need way more appreciation and validation and well, just attention than I do, but not on the level you're describing. It sounds exhausting - and also, while you're propping the family up and getting through the days, who's propping you up? It needs to be an equal partnership - fine to rely on your partner, but you also have to be the person your partner can rely on. Relate might be useful - an objective third party.

He sounds very hard to live with and I'm not surprised that you are unwilling to add "unfailing sympathy" to your day to day list of tasks.

He can't have it both ways. Either he is a sensitive flower who needs lots of love and cuddles and appreciation and also gives them out, or he can be the sort of person who doesn't say thanks and feels free to constantly criticise and in return doesn't expect thanks or compassion either.

Which is it to be?