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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

At wits end.

49 replies

Cottagedelight · 17/06/2012 15:26

This morning dh and me had massive argument about something in the news. About whether or not manslaughter was murder, he then casually mentioned (with a slight grin on his face) that my dad 'punched' my mum. He never did, although I do recall him pushing her. This is irrelevant, anyway, my point is that my dh took pleasure in saying this to me. I retaliated by adding that his father was no angel and 'screwed' other women.

This made him go ballistic. He threatened to phone my family-my mum has a bad heart and I begged him not to do this- to 'come and get me'.

He said that I was 'fat and frumpy'. But also said that he found me attractive. I can't see this myself. How can he say such things? If somebody is fat and frumpy, I am a bit overweight and don't dress in a glamorous way so he is technically correct, why is he interested in me sexually? Or is it all bullshit?

I can't take anymore of this. We have no dc's, I don't even know why I'm putting this here to be honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cottagedelight · 17/06/2012 15:27

There is a temporary lull in the battle at the moment, so this is why I'm putting this here.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/06/2012 15:35

Is this kind of personal point-scoring the usual pattern when you have a discussion? Does it always end up in an argument?

Original poster
Cottagedelight · 17/06/2012 15:37

Point-scoring? Never thought about it like that. My only point score was in retaliation to his nastiness.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cottagedelight · 17/06/2012 15:39

He drove 15 miles to tell my mum, only to then telephone and say that he had changed his mind and that he would only go and tell my sister that he was getting rid of me.

OP posts:
xkittyx · 17/06/2012 15:40

Are things normally okay or is this typical?
I had an ex who used to do that goading stuff about highly sensitive things, its foul.

Original poster
Cottagedelight · 17/06/2012 15:42

God, sorry to drip feed, I asked him not to tell my sister as I wanted to tell her myself. I have a major operation coming up and we have agreed that I can stay until it is over. Personally, I don't know that I wish to stay but I can't take any more drama today.

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Original poster
Cottagedelight · 17/06/2012 15:45

No this erupts every few months. The threats, he broke a mug of mine today. Not worth much but still it has upset me. He said that he thought I had thrown it at him as I had been shouting at him and looked as if I had thrown something. This seems bizarre thinking about it now.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/06/2012 15:47

You were already arguing about the news and then it got into personal tit for tat stuff. That's how it usually goes when someone's lost the argument and decides to hurt feelings by pushing a few sensitive buttons instead. People in relationships know exactly what those buttons are.... an unfaithful dad, being overweight, etc.

That's why I asked if it's the normal pattern. If this is normal then it doesn't sound like you like each other very much.

madameO · 17/06/2012 15:47

lol this sounds like that film "war of the roses"

they were both dicks as well :)

Original poster
Cottagedelight · 17/06/2012 15:48

It's bizarre because I can see him picking the mug -which was upright- off the table (how on earth would it land upright on the table Confused even if I had chucked it at him?)

OP posts:
Prolesworth · 17/06/2012 15:48

Wow, if I were you I'd get out as soon as possible. The way he's behaving is abusive and totally unacceptable. I hope you're OK, OP

squeaver · 17/06/2012 15:49

He was going to get your family to "come and get me"?? He told your sister that he was "getting rid of you"?? What are you, a bag of old rubbish?

Do you have anywhere else that you can go and live? Because you need to leave him, for good.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/06/2012 15:49

If he 'erupts', throws stuff, lies and upsets you on a regular basis then obviously you shouldn't spend another second with the man. Life's too short.

ImperialBlether · 17/06/2012 15:50

Cottagedelight - I live on my own now that my children have left home. Can you imagine how lovely it is not to have to put up with this level of crap? You could feel like that, too, if you wanted.

Dprince · 17/06/2012 15:53

He is a dick. Is it really all on his side though? You sound like you give as good as you get? Do you generally throw stuff? Why would he think you had?

unavailable · 17/06/2012 15:55

OP - You do know his behaviour is really odd as well as completely out of order dont you?

Tell him he can tell whoever he likes, its him that this reflects badly on. Then leave.

As others have said, life is too short.

Original poster
Cottagedelight · 17/06/2012 15:57

No I don't throw stuff. But think about it: admittedly, I did shout, but the mug was upright on the table behind him, how could anybody think that it had been thrown? Also, perhaps even more significantly,you'd notice if you were facing somebody less than two feet away from you and they threw a mug, wouldn't you?
Somebody explain this to me, please, because I think he is trying to screw with my head.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cottagedelight · 17/06/2012 15:59

I want to go. It's just the practical sht, you know? It all seems so daunting. I think that crack about me being fat and frumpy (yet he complains that I don't want sex with him) and that grin on his face about my dad 'punching' my mum- I didn't imagine the look on his face. God, he is a *, isn't he?

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Dprince · 17/06/2012 16:01

I wondered if it was a six of one half a dozen of the other type thing. Either way you need to leave.

Original poster
Cottagedelight · 17/06/2012 16:07

It's the dig about my father and me being fat and frumpy that get me the most. He complains that I've no interest in him sexually, I do but it is swamped by other stuff, then calls me fat and frumpy-how dare he?! If this is the case, why doesn't he just leave me alone?
He's so duplicitous, I can't believe a damned thing he says.

It's not as if he has gone off sex and it has been, 'love, you've put on weight, could you lose some. I'd find you more attractive?' said in a gentle manner.

OP posts:
carlywurly · 17/06/2012 16:07

Your relationship is odd and dysfunctional and I wouldn't waste your time analysing the position of a mug, I'd be making plans to leave. Good luck.

Original poster
Cottagedelight · 17/06/2012 16:09

Where on earth do I begin? It seems there is so much to consider.

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Jux · 17/06/2012 16:10

You didn't throw the mug. He's just telling you that you did because it wrong-foots you, unbalances you, makes you think you're going mad. It's the same reason that he dragged irrelevant stuff about your family into the row. It unbalances you.

You are staying until you've had this major op? May I ask why? Will you be going back there after hospital for recuperation, or will you go somewhere else straight from hospital?

Original poster
Cottagedelight · 17/06/2012 16:10

I know I am lucky not to have kids with him and women who do face far more of a battle, but it all seems so much to consider.

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Original poster
Cottagedelight · 17/06/2012 16:13

I will be staying here for recuperation. I don't know why I am staying or even if I should, like I said, agreeing to stay for now was the only way of stopping the argument and reaching an agreement and some peace.

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