At wits end.

[Cottagedelight]

This morning dh and me had massive argument about something in the news. About whether or not manslaughter was murder, he then casually mentioned (with a slight grin on his face) that my dad 'punched' my mum. He never did, although I do recall him pushing her. This is irrelevant, anyway, my point is that my dh took pleasure in saying this to me. I retaliated by adding that his father was no angel and 'screwed' other women.

This made him go ballistic. He threatened to phone my family-my mum has a bad heart and I begged him not to do this- to 'come and get me'.

He said that I was 'fat and frumpy'. But also said that he found me attractive. I can't see this myself. How can he say such things? If somebody is fat and frumpy, I am a bit overweight and don't dress in a glamorous way so he is technically correct, why is he interested in me sexually? Or is it all bullshit?

I can't take anymore of this. We have no dc's, I don't even know why I'm putting this here to be honest.

Start making a plan to leave. Do you rent or own, is your name on any debts?

He sounds a right charmer

I don't understand why you are still together. It's not doing either of you any good. Move on.

It's actually a more common tactic than you think for a person to behave badly (like the mug-throwing) and then crack on that it was the other person that did it. It's a way of controlling someone by keeping them wrong-footed and questioning their own memory. Being goaded with insults etc., is not effective foreplay, tell him.

As for 'practical stuff' like accommodation and money, it may be daunting but this is how the rest of your life is going to be if you do nothing. How long before you get ill because of being under constant stress? That extra weight you're carrying... what's to say that you haven't opted for a bit of comfort eating as a counterbalance to being verbally abused?

Sorry... just realised you'd mentioned a major op. How horrible that he can't even back off when you're probably worried about that....

It's his house and I am not on the mortgage-didn't want to be, mistake or good sense perhaps? Hence all this bullshit about 'chucking me out' all the time.

My name is not on any debts. But he says if I leave they will chase me for his debts. No idea if this is true or not.

So all the arguments were to persuade you to stay? If someone treated me like that I'd be getting the hell out of there. Has he never heard of being nice to someone to persuade them to stay?

I don't think its always that clear cut if you are married.

I don't know how long you've been married but, as a wife, 'his house' actually counts as marital assets and you'd be entitled to a share of the proceeds, regardless of whether you're on the mortgage or not. Debts, unlike property, are personal. If they are in his name, they're his to clear. In your shoes, I would go see a solicitor or the CAB and get some information. He's dishing up more bullshit than an abbatoir and I think you'd have a pleasant surprise when you find out the truth.

When you don't have kids there is only one thing to consider.

"do I want to be with him"

If the answer is no then leave him. It really is that simple. I am not sure why it's so complicated.

'abattoir'.. :)

How childish to keep threatening to chuck you out because its "his" house.

Tbh I would tell him to stick his house where the sun doesn't shine!!!!!

And do not recouperate at his house after your op as you will be so much more vulnerable and if he is how he is already he will most likely step up the abuse.

Go and stay with your dsis as the after affects of an op are difficult to deal with...

Fat and frumpy, yet he complains when I don't want sex with him?

Yet calling me 'fat' and 'frumpy' were just stating 'facts' (his word) not his way of saying I was unattractive to him.

So if you say to your dh/dp's that they are 'fat' and 'scruffy' you'd expect them to think that you thought that they were unattractive to you, wouldn't you? Please help me here, it makes no sense to me.

Seriously, stop wasting your mental energy over-analysing the insults he has thrown at you. It's makes no sense, because it makes no sense and he is a manipulative, controlling arsehole.

Start putting your energy into making a practical plan to leave him. Preferably before you have your operation.

You yourself seem to be a bit of a dick actually madameO. Well on the threads I've seen you on anyway.......

Squeaver is spot on. His comments are not worth your consideration. Start taking control of your own future.

You say you want help, OP, but you're not responding to anything anyone is saying to you.

The general consensus is that I need to leave, right? I don't expect anybody here to do it for me IYSWIM, just where do I begin?

It all seems so daunting to me, I'm normally intelligent, but I don't know how to go about leaving. Any tips on a checklist? There seems a million and one things.

Are you employed? Do you have your own bank account or joint? Can you stay with parents/friends in the short term whilst you sort things out?

If you are married why is your name not on the house? Have been married long? Were you not sure about the marriage from the start?

but it all seems so much to consider What's to consider?

All you need to do is find yourself somewhere else to live and leave the fucker... and then get yourself to a divorce lawyer, or post on the Legal board, for advice on dividing whatever marital assets you have in common.

Get copies of bank statements, any financial info you can find.
Get a free half hour with a family law solicitor ASAP, that means lunch break tomorrow if you're working or first thing in the morning if you're not. Find out about separating your finances officially so that his debts remain his.
Go to CAB and find out everything you can from them about what you could get through, eg, benefits, housing etc.
Call WA and talk it through with them too.
Tell all your friends and family the whole truth about your godawful relationship and how he treats you.
Take all the help you are offered.

Don't get sucked in to silly games with him. You know you didn't throw the cup.

I bet you're not fat and frumpy.

Sorry but he sounds like an arse and controlling. It's very 4yo behaviour all this - 'but but but you did throw the cup at me, I'm sure you did, you must have ......' the trying to deflect his mistake into it being yours somehow. And the 'fat and frumpy is fact, I'm not being mean because it's true'. Again toddler like behaviour - difference is toddlers don't have the rationale to understand 'there's a fat lady' is rude.

He sounds like he enjoys winding you up. I'd prepare, tell him you leaving then go. Make it clear that he may be a man of words but your a woman of action.

Thank you all. I know you are strangers but this thread has been a boost to me. It hurts so much to be told that I am 'fat' and 'frumpy'. I've not been that bothered about how I look of late, but still, if I'm that repulsive to him, why not just say so and have a gentle word. Then his 'justification' for it.

It's all headgames: You're fat and frumpy, but still attractive to me. I don't get it. Maybe I shouldn't even try to.

Thanks Jux for the checklist. I'm going to need all the help I can get as my confidence is on the floor right now and I am highly stressed because of the operation.

You keep saying there is so much to consider. But not actually answer questions as to why. From here it looks like you have financial ties, so just leave.