Awkward Situation with Parents

[CoffeeMum]

I'll try to keep this brief...my parents have just gained a substantial amount of money from a property sale [around £200k]. In the past they have never really given me any financial support - I always had a Saturday/evening job while at home, worked during university, paid rent when back at home briefly. Then I moved out for good, and have been completely financially independent ever since. They did loan me money to buy my first house, but I paid this back within six months. This is all fine, it's taught me to be sensible with money, self sufficient, and have a good work ethic.

The plot has thickened a bit since we had our two DC - they have offered absolutely no childcare at all, not even the odd night of babysitting while DC asleep, not even a day once a year. Again, all fine - not ideal, but they are not obliged to help.

Also relevant, I think, is the fact that we [ie. me and Dh] are very supportive to my parents - we advise them, help them out, give them ALOT of time with their grandchildren although they offer no help with them. They are also very quiet and bit socially awkward, so they are not that easy to have around. But we love them, and they are family, and the DC adore them.

Anyway, since they have acquired this money, they have, fairly lightly commented that they will pay, within the year, for an extension we plan to make to our house [which we genuinely need if one of our DC is not going to have a tiny boxroom bedroom until he/she is 18]. We can pay for this ourselves in around five years time, and planned to do this.

We have refused this offer each time it was made, as it is not the usual dynamic in our family for us to accept financial help from my parents - and also, as the offer has been made so casually and lightly, it would have felt very grabby to immediately throw ourselves on it and grab it IFYWIM? Anyway, the offer was made around four months ago now, and there has not been a peep since. And I can't deny that DH and I are feeling a bit resentful and awkward. We NEVER would have thought in a million years that my parents would offer us this much money, and had never bargained on it. But now that the offer has been made, we do feel it would be bloody nice for them to follow up on it. They know that we are not grabby people, and we have always managed on our own. But now, since they have a fairly huge amount of money that they didn't have before, they could, really afford it. And it would be a nice gesture that would benefit our whole family and their grandchildren.

We know we are absolutely not entitled to this gift, and it's their money to spend as they wish. They have worked hard all their life. But, i just wish they'd never made the offer, however lightly! It's made things really tricky. I feel sure the offer is now off the table because they have since made much smaller offers - eg. we'll pay for the DC's winter coats, DS's karate lessons etc. All of this is lovely and generous, and would have been so wonderful - but it's all been a bit tainted by this underlying knowledge that at one point they were going to make this wonderful big gesture that quite honestly would feel like a reward for DH and I being completely self sufficient and managing with no family help, well, forever really.

Sorry this is a long one, I just need some views on this to help me get my thoughts in order and move forward, because at the moment, it is eating away at me a bit. I've always felt a bit sad that we get neither emotional support, childcare help or financial help from them, and now, as they approach retirement, I know they're going to expect alot from us [they live locally] and i'm sure it makes me an awful person, but I just feel a bit gutted.

Thanks for reading

Well, I would broach the subject with them again - gently.... Along the lines of "You mentioned something a few months ago about helping us pay for the extension... we were wondering if the offer was still on the table?"

However, you did say that 'each time they'd offered and you refused' - so they probably think that offering the money several times, and it being refused.... constitutes a refusal!

Have you ever asked them to babysit?
Why don't you lightly mention the offer again? Maybe they thought you don't want them to, so have offered small amounts of help.

OP you're going to get loads of posts suggesting that you're entitled and grabby and that you should accept money etc etc. ignore them.

Your parents have offered, albeit 'quietly' (which may well be as a result of their social awkwardness), they clearly have the money and could fulfil this gift without hardship so just ASK. Say that you are planning your budget and wanted to clarify if they were serious about giving you the money they mentioned.

Easy.

Sorry first para should have read "shouldnt"

Sorry, I'm totally confused not hard They made the offer and you turned it down. What is there to follow up?

If you do want to accept the offer now, I would just be frankmand say something along the lines of, "Look, we've been thinking about the very generous offer that you made re the extension and we'd like to take that up now if it's ok. It's really kind of you and we appreciate it very much".

Sorry I missed that bit, if you refused then the answer is obvious. You refused, several times and have now changed your mind. They don't know you have changed your mind.

I should think they would be confused to learn you were expecting them to pay because when they offered, you refused.

I think maybe try to be more honest and not imagine that they can read your minds.

I don't understand your resentment. Just because they are grandparents they don't have to offer babysitting services. They have helped you out financially - once with the loan on your first home and since by offering to pay for an extension which you have turned down several times. If you want to do the extension, pay for it like anyone else would. Be with them because you like them... not for what you think you ought to get out of them.

Okay, fair enough - they offered, I refused. But they have done it SO lightly, so briefly, never to DH and I at the same time. They must surely know that we are uncomfortable taking money from them as they've never ever financially helped us, and that for us to think about accepting this huge offer of help, they'd have to really sit us down together and say - look, we have the money, we'd be happy to offer it, please have a serious think about it.

I could never, ever, ever bring it up with them - i'd feel apalling [and grabby -as i'm sure some people will say i'm being anyway!]

So really, i'm in an impossible situation now because as you all say, we've said no, so that's that really. But surely they couldn't expect me to say, straightaway, oh really £30k? that's lovely, when will it be in my account? I mean, we simply don't take from them, in any way shape or form. That's a hard habit to break in such a dramatic fashion too!

Argghh, such an annoying situation!

In answer to queries, yup, we've asked them to babysit, and have been refused. Also, we've not actually changed our minds about accepting the offer. What happened was - we basically went with our gut instinct when they made the offer and immediately refused, as financially independent people, we felt couldn't possibly accept - it was literally a reflex action. It was only when the offer 'sank in' that we thought, well, they can afford it, it would be amazing. Why shouldn't we accept it? Does that make sense?
To Cogito - I completely agree, we have no right to expect help from the grandparents, we don't - but I won't lie, it does make me sad that we don't even get an evening of babysitting once a year for say, our wedding anniversary, when they are local, and fully capable. But no, I honestly don't expect it. I promise! And yes, we have a relationship with them because we love them and the DC love them [as i said in my OP] I think the key problem is that the offer has been made, and now we can't stop dwelling on it, but we don't feel it was done with enough seriousness and weight behind for us to be able to really accept it. Sorry - i appreciate it's a bit complicated!

Tbt this is your problem. They shouldn't have to keep offering. Or have to deal with it the way you want them to.
You don't sound grabby. But you do sound like you want them to practically force it on you so you can justify it, perhaps. You can say 'we didn't want it but they kept offering and wouldn't take no for an answer'. Would you feel then like it wasn't as big of a gesture.
I don't take money of my parents, they have offered to help. Which has been met with a 'thank you but no'. Of they kept offering over and over again it would piss me off. If I offered money to someone and they said no I wouldn't keep offering.

You could start mentioning the extension again, but saying you can't quite afford it, but how great it would be for dcs. You could ask them if they could still help at all, or ask for a long term loan. You do need to start asking for some help though - seems that you expect them to offer while they expect you to ask. It is possible that they offered once the windfall appeared, but now that they have gotten used to the money are less likely to want to give it away. On the other hand, I am sure that they have no idea how much this would mean to you - especially as you repeatedly refused help initially- so you need to let them know how great it would be for any help especially for the dcs. I would not be concerned that the offer was made lightly - there's not a standard way to go about making such an offer, but it does show that they are thinking of you and would like to help. So let them know how great that would be!

I don't want to be harsh and I don't think you're grabby but this is just boiling down to miscommunication and a misunderstanding/misreading of both side's non verbal cues. They maybe thought they were being sensitive doining it the way they did so you didn't feel beholden or obliged to take the money or unable to provide for your family while they looked like The Big I Ams.

They obviously do want to help, therefore I would just ask again. You could do it on the basis of discussing doing the work and mentioning looking in to financing. See if they offer again.

I think it would be a great pity, and your parents would feel sad, if they knew that you actually wanted to use the money but couldn't or wouldn't bring it up again.

Shy weans get nowt - literally here!

The first word of my last post was meant to be tbf not tbt.

From their pov you have changed your mind. They offered you said no, more than once, how are they to know now you would like to take them up on the offer?
Why is it up to them to offer again? Regardless of how much it would improvement your life, you refused. Most people won't keep offering if its been refused.

coffee mum - they are not psychic! As far as they are aware you have reused the offer!

For goodness sake, if they had pushed and persisted and told you that although you had said no, they knew better and you actually meant yes, there would be posts saying they were controlling and toxic and gas lighting you and all sort.

FFS - I feel sorry for your DPs. They can't do right for doing wrong. If you and your DH are subscribing to some unwritten code of financial manners that no one else knows about, that's fine and entirely your prerogative. But dont use it as a stick to beat other, well meaning people over them head with.

Actually, yes, i suppose my concern is that they have now looked at the bigger picture and seen that their windfall will actually be very nice for them to keep as they are retired and still have some outgoings. I'm concerned that the offer was made in the first flush of getting the money, and that they now can't actually follow through on it. So, if we did get all our courage together to broach the subject, they could well knock us back. And then it really would be awkward!!

I suppose we are just idiots if we stew about it, but won't ask. Maybe we just need to bite the bullet and do it? Just feel so weird about it all

And thank you everyone for the straight talking advice - that's really just what I needed. I was getting a bit bogged down, and needed a bit of clarity. Thank you!

Yep, now you've refused, you're going to have to ask. You say you're shy about money but your parents are also socially awkward so it doesn't sound like they're the type to push this so much. They're not mind readers.

You should ask - it sounds like they wanted to offer it and you want to accept, it'd be silly to miss out because of miscommunication.

All I would say OP is that, life is hard enough, you have young DCs who will no doubt be very expensive to support through their lives. I take it you'd give them more support than what you recieved?

This is your parents your talking about, not a more distant relation. Surely your parents, of all people, would understand that you had reconsidered their offer?

If they don't spend the money in their life time, they'd will you the money yes? So why not have it for something really important that you need now?

My family are like yours in terms of being local and no emotional or practical support.

In your case I'd be tempted to leave the extension as you've said you can afford it in 5 years anyway (I've got my head in the sand about our box room bedroom. They're only small at the moment though) and really enjoy that they are taking a greater interest now and buying coats and lessons. In terms of strengthening a relationship all these little things will add up - ie if they've said for karate lessons is there any show / medal /something you can invite them to watch? Or it gives you a topic to talk to them about that they should show some interest. In our case it all the little things would make a big difference.

Ah read more of the thread. Obviously worth asking if you think the offer could still be there.

Basically, you have to bring it up with them or forget it and move on. There is no other advice to give really. If you have repeatedly refused the offer they are highly unlikely to offer again, therefore you have to say you have reconsidered their offer and is it still on the table. Personally I find all this "we couldn't possibly except/ask again stuff" a bit martyrish. It helps no one IMO.

I recognise it will be difficult for you but unless you can forget it and move on there is no option but to bring it up. .

I think I would find a way to bring it up. Maybe something along the lines of "DH and I are going to change our mortgage soon, we're coming to the end of a deal. We were just wondering about that kind and generous offer you made to help with the extension and whether anything like that was still possible as it would change what decisions we made about our next mortgage."

I agree. I see it now - i've been a bit ridiculous to expect them to force the offer at us. They've raised me to be self sufficient and independent, and they probably think I want to carry on as I am. But tbh, the extension is essentially for the benefit of the DC, and it seems crazy not to accept it if the offer is still there.

If they say yes, and offer it, then everyone's happy [very happy, in fact]. If they say, no, we've rethought, and still need the money, then at least the subject is laid to rest, and there's no way i'd take the money if they need it.

Oh, and regarding wills etc, i'm realistic enough to know that any possible proceeds would have to be sold off for residential care etc, so am never going to count on any windfalls there - in fact, that's another point where i'd feel grabby to count on getting any money!

Thanks all