Advice in how to deal with 14yr old DD

[TnBiscuits]

hi this is my first post so please be gentle.

I found out tonight my DD has had sex with her Bf he is 16 and can only be described as the village trouble maker.

My DD is a good student getting a and b grades and has a bright future ahead of her. He on the other had deals drugs, doesn't go to school and is a layabout. She is totally besotted with this boy :(

I'm absolutely devastated about this she is my little girl :(

I now dint know what to do or say to her, my DH wants to kill the boy iykwim and I'm sick to my stomach:(

Any advice would be gratefully appreciated.

Thank you x

Anyone??

Oh TnBiscuits, I really feel for you. I can only imagine how you feel and wish I could offer some useful advice.

Does she realise that it's actually illegal as she is still a minor, the bot could be prosecuted.

That's not helpful on a practical level for you though and if she really is as besotted with this boy as you say, I'm guessing that reporting him will only serve to push her away.

Did you find out from her, or through a third party?

Yeah I know illegal, I found out by reading her Facebook, I have her passwords for it. Im gonna speak to her tomorrow calmly like an adult (through gritted teeth) explain all the implications std's etc then make her go to docs to be tested.

I'm just so disappointed in her :( I thought she wouldn't be so stupid :(

tn,

sorry to hear what you're going through.

can I suggest you put this on the teenagers board....there's a lot of good advice over there.

First and foremost, you need to make sure she is safe. Talk to her make sure they used protection. If not, and it was in the last couple of days, you need to get her to the pharmacy for the morning after pill. If they did not use condoms and you have any reason to think he may be promiscuous, you need to talk to her about getting tested to STD's, Chlamydia in particular.

You also need to ensure she is totally happy with the decision - as gently as possible work out if she was pressured into it. If she admits she was (even though this may be indirectly), re-enforce that she can say no. This will be a difficult conversation to pitch as if you are too combative, she will become defensive and insist it was her decision.

Thirdly, find out if she intends to sleep with him again (don't be under any delusions that you can 'ban' her from seeing him. If she wants to she will find a way). If you get the feeling she does want to, whether she admits it directly or not, get her on the pill and give her a supply on condoms.

Finally (after you have sorted the 'practicalities') let her know, by all means, that you are dissappointed in her decision, but be careful not to be too critical of this boy as it may prolong the relationship past it's natural course as an act of defiance on her part. She needs to feel that you are there for her and that she can talk to you - if she thinks that you hate her boyfriend she will think that anything you say to her that she perceives as negative, you are only saying because you don't like him.

Thank you I've posted in teenagers. Yes she used a condom. Thank goodness for that!

Didn't want to read and run but own DD now 15 ... choice in BF ... expelled one school, suspended second for bringing in BB gun...
Was advised by my mum to really welcome him in.....all in kitchen, living room etc.. theory being that if he is banned the more exciting he is the more she will "be the only one who understands him" ... Romeo and Juliet was 14 year olds for a reason... hormones and no sense.
No clue how will pan out long term but accepting him into house cheerily is def not feeding into the drama.
He is only allowed in kitchen and living room. ( loo breaks as necessary)
Funnily enough the strict boundaries seem to make him value DD more and after initial ( no word for OMG combined with AAAARGH) is all calm at mo.

Thank you for your replies :) I have previously suggested to DH that we invite him in etc but he really doesn't want him in the house. Thing is DH is normally the level headed one but he is fuming!

If it's any help I know of at 3 friends who did similar things at the same time and they still got their a grades, went to uni and got good jobs.I'm not saying it's great, just saying it isn't the end of the word necessarily.

She may have used condoms.

She's still your little girl, just like you're still your Mum's.

I'd be very worried by the drug dealing and so on too. You can only be honest about that. and keep talking to her.

My 16yrold cousin has been staying out all night without permission advertising her dodgy boyfriend on facebook and getting a tatoo and other stuff for about 2 years now-her parents are so upset, but she still got good gcses( they seem to sit a lot of them early) and is happily starting her a levels in september.

Hope it goes as well as it can tomorrow.

Your Mum is a wise woman Admiraltea.
This is definitely the way to handle it.
You need to get your husband on board with this too TnB though that can be quite tricky given his understandable desire to protect his daughter.
Regarding the legalities, IF this was consensual sex then it is unlikely that anyone will be interested in prosecuting this boy.
You're doing the right thing by sleeping on it to give yourself some breathing space to calm down.
She will be mortified that you know and will possibly get angry but keeping a calm facade is essential on your part.
Good luck with it all.

Better that they're in the house where you can keep an eye on them than roaming the streets getting into mischief.

I've showed my DH this post he kinda agreed about him maybe coming in the house, will see what tomorrow brings, :(

Sleeps not gonna come easy tonight :(

Being a cynic pragmatist, I wouldnt place too much reliance your dd and this lad using a condom on every occasion they've had sex - and when teenage hormones are raging and the deed has been done once, occasions can be numerous to say the least.

Morning after pill if it's not too late, pregnancy test if it is, sti test if he's got something of a rep for sexual activity, and the pill for her - with the taking of it most probably covertly supervised by you for your peace of mind.

And breathe... honey.

Point out to your h that this day was always going to come and, although it may have come earlier than either of you expected, she's still your precious little girl - and always will be.

Try not to come across as overly judgemental or disappointed that she's chosen a less than desirable in your eyes first sexual partner and give her a big hug.

So into the practicalities I forgot to mention that I wholeheartedly second Admiraltea's mum's wise advice.

Bake a cake and get the welcome mat out - treat him like a surrogate son minus bedroom privileges.

I was a little older than your DD when I got together with a "bad boy "
I too was a good student at school etc etc.
However when my mum who was at her wits end banned this boy he just became suddenly very glamorous and the more uptight she became the more glamorous he became.
The problem was because everyone was against him I was then forced to defend him and it then became me and him against the world.
I was older than your DD and I eventually left home and went to live with him.
Then when things went badly wrong I felt that I couldnt go home and stayed much longer than I should have.
My mum eventually contacted me - she never said I told you so - and I went home again.
My advice would be to tell her what a nice boy he is and how much you like him and the relationship will probably run its course.
I have teenage DDs and know that its not easy but dont back her into a corner over this .
HTH

My DD did the same at 14, i accepted it (in public, in private i wished him dead). It ended by the time she was just over 15, he moved on. She has not done as well as could in her GCSE's, but nothing disastrous.

It was a very stressful time and my DD has PCOS, was not ovulating, so the chance of pregnancy was low.

At 16, i don't recognise her as the girl she was at 14. She seems to have peeked early and done the teenage thing, so don't dispair.

I have really strict bounderies about drugs, though, she smoked (has now stopped) and has stopped drinking. School attendence was non negotiable.

Pick your battles.

I totally agree with the welcoming thing. It will work in two ways, a) you get to keep an eye on them and b) as mentioned above, he isnt this dramatic misunderstood hero when he is sitting in your living room drinking a cup of tea.

He will probably soon get bored and move on, but in the meantime I do agree that she needs to be checked over, but softly softly otherwise she could end up quite traumatised and it could all backfire.

when it comes to herself - you can almost say anything with no impact - so as well as the other advice, i think you need to remember to say this....

If the boy is reported, the police will be involved and he could go on the sex offenders register.

this means that he will be classed as a paedophile all his life and this will severly curtail his chances in the job market in future.

so i not for herself - or him ind of thing.

if they are having sex - dont pretend it is a one of or isn't happening - get her on the pill.

in your situation the boy would be welcome in our home after a severe chat which would say that if he touched my daughter again, i would get him arrested.

oh and if the parents wern't the rough as fuck punch you in the face types, i would tell them the same thing

Any threat of police involvement you'd make to a 16yo who was screwing your 14o dd would be hollow as the CPS don't prosecute these cases Custardo

My DD was staying overnght with his fathers permission (not mine) and the police would do nothing, as is usual in the case of over 14's. So i had to tell him and his dad that i would spray paint 'Nonce' all over the area that he lived in, to put a stop to it.

Girl can't get in trouble, the boy can. However as he is a minor also (under 18), and she is above the 'statutory rape' age (12), it's of no interest to police.

However if he took photos or similar that would be more serious.

Izzy is right. My friend works in the child protection area of the police and he says that they do get reports like this occasionally. The worst that happens is the boy and girl (mostly the boy) get a severe talking to about consequences etc. They only ever arrest the boy if there are allegations of rape or coercion as it wont go to court. A 16 year old having consensual sex with his 14 year old girlfriend is not considered in anywhere near the same light as say a 23 year old doing the same thing.

And by threatening him with the police you would be enforcing the misunderstood romantic hero thing.

I would knee jerk to the same reaction but it really would be counterproductive.

reinforcing...duh!