Advice in how to deal with 14yr old DD

[TnBiscuits]

hi this is my first post so please be gentle.

I found out tonight my DD has had sex with her Bf he is 16 and can only be described as the village trouble maker.

My DD is a good student getting a and b grades and has a bright future ahead of her. He on the other had deals drugs, doesn't go to school and is a layabout. She is totally besotted with this boy :(

I'm absolutely devastated about this she is my little girl :(

I now dint know what to do or say to her, my DH wants to kill the boy iykwim and I'm sick to my stomach:(

Any advice would be gratefully appreciated.

Thank you x

If your dd is a rebel without a cause welcoming him into your home and telling her what a very nice boy he is should do the trick.

It worked on me when I went through my bad boy phase. My motley collection of romantic heroes seemed considerably less mad, bad, and dangerous to know, after they were accepted into the bosom of my family and encouraged to call anytime

izzyizin Sun 17-Jun-12 01:51:46
"Any threat of police involvement you'd make to a 16yo who was screwing your 14o dd would be hollow as the CPS don't prosecute these cases Custardo"

whilst statistically the chances of a prosecution are unlikely - the letter of the law applies so i understand, so the statement in and of itself is not a falsehood but might prove to be sufficient enough of a threat. Therefore the boys parents might take this more seriously, as parents could in theory be prosecuted for aiding unlawful intercourse. Again unlikely but truthful in the letter of the law.

I have no idea if something like this could be privately prosecuted, but there are enough solicitors on here to ask

Custardo, it isnt the truth because it wouldnt happen if the sex was consensual. He would not be prosecuted, end of. So the threat would be empty, and all that would happen is that the DD will side with the boy because her parents are persecuting the boy she "loves" .

Well thanks for the advice guys it means a lot! DH and I have decided to talk to her today, we gonna explain our disappointment etc and get her to go to docs, DHhas also agreed (with some persuasion) that he can come round, as you all say at least we can keep an eye on them. We are also gonna speak to the boy in question and explain what the implications of having sex with a minor are.

Wish us luck!

And why so hung up on blaming the boy?

Right now the main issue should be trying to get the DD to understand the seriousness of what she has done, the possible consequences for her health, of pregnancy and for her reputation within her peer group (something that may well have more results than the health/pg aspect).

X-post Tn, good luck

not blaming, explaining the possible consequences to both. Which i think the OP is going to do. It's something that i explained to my teenagers as an added incentive to be responsible. What i didn;t do is tell them that whilst having sex with someone under 16 is against the law...the chances of prosecution is unlikley.

but then i didn't tell them that santa was a crock of shit either.

I would agree you need to sit down and talk to her-especially about contraception. I am a bit about all the welcome him with open arms stuff. My mum did that with my sis and her bf thinking that they would grow apart-6 years later they are having a babt and he is still a drunken layabout!!

To the poster who said that they dont prosecute under age sex-my dh is a solicitor in scotland and I can assure you he has had cases where exactly that has happened-usually with a bigger age gap mind you-and the person has ended up on the sex offenders register.

And why so hung up on blaming the boy?

Because he's a drug dealing, school-skipping layabout maybe?

The drug dealing would be enough to ensure he never entered my house. Not because I'm some holier-than-thou sanctimonious old harpy but because I don't see any way that a 14yo girl besotted with this troublemaker isn't going to get involved in drugs.

I'm no angel and have used drugs myself in years gone by but I couldn't condone my own DD (also 14) seeing a dealer.

Sex is one thing, the drugs is another thing all together.

Ishoes, thats the point though, there was a bigger age gap. A 16 year old wouldnt go on the sex offenders register for having sex with his 14 year old girlfriend. The courts know that these things happen. If he was 16 and she was 12 then that would be different, at 12 she is not deemed able to consent which is where "statutory rape" comes in , although it isnt called that over here. Or she is 14 and was 20, that would be different too.

bogey i think you're missing the spirit of the point and concentrating on the letter of it

probably! I just dont see the point in make empty threats, especially if the parents of the boy either dont care (quite possible) or cant control him (equally possibly). If they dont care then they may well know the letter of the law themselves but from a different POV iykwim, and the threat of involving the police wouldnt worry them as it would me or you. If they do care but he has gone off the rails, all that would happen is that they would be beside themselves with worry over something that isnt going to happen, which isnt fair on them.

All round a pretty pointless waste of time!

shelley but dont you see that by locking her away from him you are far more likely to get the Romeo and Juliet-esqe problem that she sees him as her misunderstood romantic hero? If she is allowed to see him at her home then she is far more likely to see him for what he is, a loser. A poster on here said that she stayed with an ex far longer than she should have done because he turned out to be exactly what her parents said he was, and she felt stupid and didnt want to admit she was wrong.

My first thought was that I would try to appeal to & build up her sensible side (in theory she has one). So not talk directly about the boy to her, but do talk about what she wants in life, now in future, what path she needs to take to get there. I would want her to have the self-esteem to say no & also the ability to see that this boy isn't part of the picture of where she wants to be now & in future.

Just a word of caution, wondered if you had considered that all that said on FB may not be exactly what you think. I have certainly had the experience of reading my daughter's FB conversation as she left it open in error, getting very, very alarmed and then realising the only way forward would be to speak to her really calmly to get the story from her. Does she know you have her password? Seems a bit like reading someone's diary, you are going to find things you don't like. In my view the way forward is a non-judgmental talk, get the full story and keep thinking before acting.

Hi OP. I feel a bit different about issue of std's etc and making her go to docs to be tested. I would be careful about "shaming" your daughter, in other words as I doubt that would help. I think you can express your concern or your values (or even your disappointment and anger because of her age). This may be an opportunity to talk more seriously and deeply about things generally even. But naming, shaming, going after the boy, I would be careful about that.

That said, if it was my daughter at the same age, I would be v. sad and angry, and I think thats perfectly understandable. 14 still seems v. young to me. How was she alone with him.