DP is an awful awful drunk

[LoveBox]

DP works in the building trade, and every friday after work, they go to the pub. About three times a month, he comes home off his own accord after an hour or so, having had 2-4 pints. Once a month he will drink to oblivion.

He gets paid £360 cash on a friday. He came home about an hour ago with less than £200 left. Money is so so tight at the moment for us, I'm gutted. He KNEW exactly how we had accounted for every penny of that £360 (£50 was his 'spends' for the week, so not as if he is being deprived), and to blow so much of it hurts.

Its not just his spending, but his whole attitude when drunk. He is an awful, aggressive, lying, nasty drunk.

I'm sick of this culture of drinking. Sick of the fact he has no control, no idea when to stop.

Don't want to leave while I think he can still change - he is lovely for all the other days in the month. Really lovely. Funny, kind, sweet, caring. Loved by all. Its totally Jekyll and Hyde.

How can I deal with this? Nothing gets through to him. We go through this charade every month :(

Please, tell me this will change. Please.

It won't unless he changes. I hate to let you into this secret but you cant change them..and they can't change you. If you don't like, or can't put up with them, then you need to really look at the prospect of it not lasting. Just my opinion

He can't change. I know he cant. I've left him before, and he is always so sorry, and promises to change, or go to AA, or anger management, anything I want. And for a month or two, he does change.

And then it's back to how it always was. I feel sick any time he is out. Even when we are out together I'm always watching him drink out of the corner or one eye, always saying nervously "maybe slow down a bit" etc.

I don't want to spend my whole life walking on eggshells, wondering when he will next get smashed. But I don't want to leave him. He's my very best friend. I can't imagine a life without him.

I read that back. If it was someone else, I would be saying "Leave". I would tell them they are still young, and haven't had a child with this man yet, and do you really want to marry him and be stuck at home holding a baby whilst he blows the money we were saving for a cot.

But sometimes the happy 29 days in a month make me think it might be worth it. I'm not sure why I even posted- just venting I guess.

Love, I've just read your post, and you have just had a great insight into yourself. You know what the right thing to do is, it seems that you might have some trouble accepting that this is the right thing to do.

That's ok, go with the knowledge that you have now, that you know you should leave him, but you may not be ready to accept that yet. Acceptance is a process that we have to work through.....

It will get worse. It took six years for ex H to go from drinking one or two nights a week to drinking between 5 & 10 cans of beer every single night.

Also in some men, not all, but some, once the kids arrive and you are trapped they sense it and the drinking and selfish behaviour steps up.

No kids, not married, knowing what I know I'd be gone if I were you.

As you said, you know he won't change. This is how it's going to be. It'll either stay the same, or it'll get worse. As aka said, it's much more likely to get worse. If you're happy with that, stay. If you're not, leave. Just don't bring children into this. It is not the safe happy stable environment a child deserves. It's not the sort of environment you deserve, but you seem willing for the moment to put up with it. Just don't choose it for a child, please.

When someone is fundamentally inconsiderate or irresponsible or both, they are unlikely to ever stop being selfish. Don't tolerate it just because he's a nice bloke the rest of the time. That's how you get trapped.... optimism. As others have said, if you think it's bad now, it would be 10 x worse if you had children. He can't cope with the few responsibilities he has now and, unless he radically changes, any extra ones will mean more bad behaviour. Justified by 'I need to relax' etc.

You can remain friends with someone even if you're no longer their partner. Life's too short to be saddled with a nasty drunk.

I used to work in a pub. Every friday afternoon there were buildres who had been paid cash at the end of the week downing as much of their money in beer as they could before their wives came and took what was left off them.

Although usually they would finish about 2 and as their other halves were doing school runs they had a good couple of hours of lying about where they were, and then OH's being busy before the money was taken off them.

Every week.

Don't turn into one of those women

LoveBox

Do not let your love for him now destroy you further in the process. You cannot save or rescue him; besides which he does not want your help!.

Unless he himself decides to seek help for his drinking problem there is precisely NOTHING you can do to help him.

You cannot change him, you can only change how you react to him.

You seem really confused and thus contradict yourself. What you write is one of many examples of chaos that living with functioning alcoholics create.
In the space of your first two posts you write, "Don't want to leave while I think he can still change - he is lovely for all the other days in the month. Really lovely. Funny, kind, sweet, caring. Loved by all. Its totally Jekyll and Hyde". In your second you write, "He can't change. I know he cant. I've left him before, and he is always so sorry, and promises to change, or go to AA, or anger management, anything I want. And for a month or two, he does change".

They all promise to change; actions speak louder than words and this man does not want to know. Its not about what you want of him either, if he got help primarily because you asked him to, it would be doomed to failure. Unless he wants to seek help for his own self and of his own volition there is nothing you can do. BTW he is likely also underestimating how much he is binge drinking as well.

The other (currently) 29 days in the month when he is "nice" is not worth it because as this goes on that number of days is going to drop and drop quickly too.

Walk away; you are not tied to this man either through marriage or children so it is more straight forward even though it will be painful to you in the short term. You cannot go on trying to stick a plaster on what is now becoming a festering wound.

the 3cs re alcoholism are ones you would do well to remember:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

If you think "alcoholism" is too strong a word for his current rare bingeing, just substitute whatever you think is appropriate for someone who just can't stop, or even slow down, their drinking no matter what the cost.

I'm new here but this post struck a chord.
I broke up with my DP of 5 years last Sunday after returning from seeing my Mum in hospital to find him at the pub getting drunk with his much younger friends after he promised he wouldn't touch alcohol again as he knew it would be the end of the relationship.
These men are single minded, irresponsible, inconsiderate, selfish and 9 times out of 10 looking for a way out of the relationship without having the bollocks to say 'I'm not happy, I'd rather be immature and selfish for a while'.
You cannot rely on your DP like I finally realised I could not rely on mine.
It has been a shitty week dealing with lots of things whilst grieving for a relationship I always wanted to work. However, I see a light at the end. A future of putting myself first and not having to pussy foot around social situations and have that same 'looking out the corner of my eye' behaviour I gained over the 5 years.
Is it crap? Yes. Do I miss him? Terribly. Am I better off? I definitely will be.

I hate using the word alcoholism, I do. But you are exactly right Annie - I really understand he can't control his drinking at any cost. Even if it meant I threatened to walk (I have done, many times), it still hasn't changed.

I posted a near identical thread (under a different name) a year ago, and it made me cry reading it. I ended the thread, after comments just like these, saying I had to give him one more chance. And I've lost count of how many 'chances' he's had since then.

But it's so easy to want to believe him. He followed me out of the house today, and on to a train, promising me when we have kids, h wouldn't go out. "All I want is to marry you and have a family with you, I prefer nights in with you, I just got carried away because of the football" etc. But it's just words, isn't it? His actions won't change.

I've taken my engagement ring off and left it with him. It all hurts so much right now, but I keep reminding myself that times like last night, or any Friday night while I sit at home on tenterhooks, hurt more.

Sorry Chelaea, I hadn't saw your post when I wrote mine. Thinking of you and I hope your mum is ok too.

This is the closest I've ever come to leaving for good. Its really hit me now that whilst the 'good' times are better than I've ever had with anyone, and whilst he makes me happier than I've ever been, he also hurts/upsets me more than anyone. And while being out today without my ring is making me feel awful, I felt worse last night, when I was clock watching, and knowing he would come stumbling in. And wondering whether he will try and start a fight.

I just can't live like that. Going to take some time to get my head straight I think, while I weigh up my options.

Thanks all.

And there is ALWAYS a football match, cricket, olympics, boxing, racing etc.......

Good luck Lovebox, hope everything works out for you.

Well I will disagree and say that he can control his drinking but chooses not to.

3 fridays out of 4 he has a couple of pints and comes home. If he cant control his drinking he would get smashed then too. On the other Friday he chooses to get that pissed.

Why he does it, who knows? But the fact is that if he chose to he could just have a couple of pints but he chooses to get ratted instead.

This isnt about an alcohol addiction or alcoholism, its about his selfishness in doing something that a) he knows you hate given his behaviour when he is drunk and b) adversely affects your finances.

The drinking is a red herring, its his total disregard of your feelings, his behaviour and your financial situation that is the big problem here. I would not be giving him another chance after this.

Actually, bogey, I'd suggest it doesn't matter when you get right down to it whether he can or can't control it. The net result is the same. No way he'd change for the better when there's a baby to come home to. It'll be all "well I get so stressed with all the broken nights and the extra responsibility, I have to unwind with a pint or 12".

My two criteria for judging a man's character are a) how he acts when he's drunk and b) how he treats his mother. Both will reveal what he's really like, and how you can expect to be treated in the long term.

I'm not seeing a lot of respect for you in your DP's actions, OP.

I'm guessing it's you who's left to deal with the budget once he's overspent. Do you have an income of your own? I can't say that he sounds like he's worth the stress he causes you. Life is too short to spend with someone who doesn't make your life better, easier and more joyful ay least 95% of the time.

When you have kids he will be worse. Because you won't be walking out, getting on trains and doing your own thing then I can tell you that right now. You'll be thinking of them, how you can't give them all that upheaval by leaving, how they love their dad and putting The Family first. All of us who been through this kind of thing know how it goes. He will know it too.

In my (extensive) experience, this kind of sporadic blow-out is a protest. On some level - one pretty close to the surface, actually, when you listen to the guys in the pub - they feel as if your mission in life is to control them / stop them having fun / take all their money away. So, every so often, they like to remind you they'll do what the bloody well like. It's not rational and therefore can't be changed with logic.

It comes out in the way they act when they're drunk, too. All the nasty, sexist, raging, insulting stuff? That's the part of them that makes them drink. And will make them do it more, the more 'tied' to you he feels :(

I agree with AnnieL: how he acts when he's drunk is who he is. Any pub landlord will tell you the same.

Do not even think of bringing children into this

If you have children with him you will be well and truly trapped. Is your contraception 100% reliable? Is it up to you or are you depending on him? Do not leave it to him

'I don't want to spend my whole life walking on eggshells, wondering when he will next get smashed. But I don't want to leave him. He's my very best friend. I can't imagine a life without him.'

Start imagining life with him, if it would help you to start taking yourself seriously.

Imagine that typical scene from Victorian magazines where the typical drunk and aggressive husband terrifies his anguished wife in a poverty stricken hovel, and his children cry and cling to her. Is this what you want? Because this, with up to date clothes and electric light, etc., is what you will get.

He chooses to drink to oblivion. He chooses to work at something where he is paid cash and can hide his earnings or spend it immediately. He chooses to live a fairly precarious existence working in an area where he is not really accountable to a manager or required to develop his social skills. He chooses to keep you worried, never knowing when he will roll home aggressive. He chooses to repeat the cycle regularly.

When it has the effect on you (threatening to leave, or even leaving but remaining open to contact from him) that reassures him that he has got your complete attention, he knows he can reel you back in with his sweettalk. He is getting quite a thrill from all of this -- he is getting what he needs from this relationship, and that is the confidence that he can drive a woman to leave him but persuade her back. That is probably proof to him that he is fantastic in the sack or has some sort of secret ingredient that other men don't have. In other words, he is an ego tripper, not a candidate for a serious relationship and absolutely not a man to ever have a child with.

The only way you can stop this cycle is to prove him wrong and leave. Anything short of leaving for good and not remaining in contact with him will only encourage him.

He spent £160 on booze in the pub? What was he drinking - Crystal Champagne? Seriously though - what did he spend £160 on?

Get out now!

My ex was a not-dissimilar drinker.
Once I realised that I was getting older but did not want to marry or have children with him, I got out of the relationship. It was ugly, but I got through it.
Six months later I met DH

I left my dp, who I loved dearly, five years ago because of his drinking. It was absolutely the right thing to do for me and my dcs and I have never regretted it. Don't waste your precious energy trying to change him.

He couldn't spend that much on drink...is he borrowing money from workmates and then having to pay back? Or doing coke or something?

I don't think this is something that is worth leaving him over but I do think you need couples councelling.