DP is an awful awful drunk

[LoveBox]

DP works in the building trade, and every friday after work, they go to the pub. About three times a month, he comes home off his own accord after an hour or so, having had 2-4 pints. Once a month he will drink to oblivion.

He gets paid £360 cash on a friday. He came home about an hour ago with less than £200 left. Money is so so tight at the moment for us, I'm gutted. He KNEW exactly how we had accounted for every penny of that £360 (£50 was his 'spends' for the week, so not as if he is being deprived), and to blow so much of it hurts.

Its not just his spending, but his whole attitude when drunk. He is an awful, aggressive, lying, nasty drunk.

I'm sick of this culture of drinking. Sick of the fact he has no control, no idea when to stop.

Don't want to leave while I think he can still change - he is lovely for all the other days in the month. Really lovely. Funny, kind, sweet, caring. Loved by all. Its totally Jekyll and Hyde.

How can I deal with this? Nothing gets through to him. We go through this charade every month :(

Please, tell me this will change. Please.

If you really want to have a future with your DP which doesn't involve sacrificing your health (dental visits) so that he can drink the household budget, then you need to send him a clear message that this is not OK. Only a fool does the same thing expecting a different result.

Perhaps a temporary separation know could lead to some real change for your life (and his) plus any possible children.

How or why do you think he is going to change? He knows you are going nowhere. You know you are going nowhere. So this is it, this is the life you are choosing to live. This is it forever. Til the day you die.

Why do you hate yourself so much love? Serious question. Why don't you believe you deserve happiness?

I agree, this has also made me feel reall sad, how anyone can think so little fo themselves to think this is an ok relationship even 96% of the time is so so awful to hear.

if everyone just posts their DPs worst bits on MN, there would be slews of "leave!"

I think you will find this in no way close to the truth for the majority of people. Most peoples issues would be leaving the toilet seat up or being a bit messy - your problems are so much more serious.

The fact that you were upset enough to post on here I believe shows you know it is a serious problem. If you were happy 96% of the time that would mean that you only worry about this issue the day he does it - is that really true?

Also, I don't necessarily think that vomiting in bed or on the floor is actually worse than your problem (its gross but not worse IMO) so I have no idea why you are comparing your lives - if you had a DP that hit you but your friends DH hits and kicks her it doesn't actually make your relationship ok as its not as bad!

You are selling yourself short and don't deserve to be treated that way but if you accept and put up with it he will accept it is the norm and it will always continue - if he can't stop for the woman is supposedly loves then how would he stop for children?

No one can tell you to leave but you don't even sound like you think there is a problem now so YES THIS IS YOUR LIFE!

If this continues I can imagine that you will be here in a few years time unable to buy your kids new school shoes because their father has pissed it all away in the pub during his 4% - except the 4% of bad behaviour will have increased dramatically and you won't be earning as much :(

Op I was married to a guy I was with for 18 yrs we had 4 dc.He was lovely in every way,great dad,provider and he was fantastic when I had cancer he was beter than a man twice his age in coping with my breats surgery. We had lovely holidays and life was fab-UNTILL HE DRANK-.

He was a binge drinker too,not very often but enough for me to dread Weddings,xmas,holidays and any social event. I remember as we all rushed into the garden to see the milenium fireworks at midnight,he rushed back towards the beers

During this binge drinking he would go awol,wet the bed or pee in the corner of the room,puke out of the window,go into a coma like sleep which he could not be woken from. When my ds was in hospital I had to leave him and go home with the younger ds as dh had gone on a drunken binge,i left ds in tears to go home to piss dripping through my celing.

I lived in fear of any upcoming social event and became quite controlling which is not me.Instread of enjoying myself i was sat counting his drinks.

Even on our wedding night he was so drunk I ended up sat opening the presents as he snored.

I did all the dramatic "kicking him out" or sitting down and talking to him,telling him it was the last time etc. He always promised to change and never did. He adored me and the children but it wasnt enough to make that change.

I ended up making my own life and feeling no respect for him whatsoever,it was probably damaging to the children to see my eventual loathing of him.

He ended up having an affair so that was that.

The relief i felt was amazing,no more worry and i could finally enjoy a social life myself.

He went on to continue to behave the same way.

I remarried and one of the things i love about dh is that he can go out and have some drinks and come home pretty drunk with no peeing or puking or anything abnormal. He can go out for "a drink" without it becoming 10 drinks and i can look forward to holidays weddings or any other social occasion.

That said,I was not suffering from low self esteem or self hatred,I was just giving my relationship the best go i could,in between was lovely but eventually the bad bits oershadowed that.

I hope you can find a way forward op and dont spend as long as i did putting up with it.

You do not have to put up with this. Think more of yourself and see the bigger picture if you can. An alcoholic is an alcoholic even if it's only once in a while it is all about how it affects his life and that of others. You say he can't change but it's wont really.

This thread is so depressing. You've manage to normalise awful behaviour from your fiancé through absolutely ludicrous means. He doesn't vomit in the bed? What a catch!

And as for you won't have children until you're more stable together - Of course you will. You'll use any tenuous tiny justification to go ahead, no matter how illogical (much like you're doing now) and your children won't have any choice whatsoever. He says he'll change once you have children, but he won't and things will get worse as tiredness and stress will take their toll.

The excuse about needing to move away (aside from the fact its bollocks as a previous poster pointed out) is weird - all your friends are similar so there's no reason to change. Don't you have any ambition for your future beyond having to watch every single penny and worry how drunk your partner will be when he returns? Life can be so much more than that.

I'm sorry to be harsh but I've seen too many friends get similarly trapped in bad relationships. You have a chance to move on now. Take it.

Are all your friends similar, LoveBox? Or just the ones connected to your boyfriend? Could you try talking to some other couples you know, who aren't connected?

'But for where I am in my life right now, it is better to be with DP, than to be alone.'

Why?

He knows that, you know. And he senses the lack of confidence you express in the words 'it sort of made me realise that this is my life. I live in a world where cash in hand and getting obliterated on a Friday is te norm. In order to find someone who isn't a carbon copy of DP, I would have to move areas/ change jobs/ dump friends and family.
And I can't do all that, yet. I won't find a night in shining armour, or a 'nice' drunk, without uprooting myself from everything I love and know'. He knows you feel you don't deserve any better.

As long as you think having any man is better than having none, as long as you characterise being an independent woman living the life she chooses as some sort of massive disadvantage, you are going to go through this business of having him come home drunk and belligerent once a month and knowing good money is being pissed against a wall on a regular basis..

It is your choice, but are you going to work on yourself so that you can get the confidence you need to make the changes that could make all the difference for you?