Growing Apart

[Nanananah]

DH and I have been together for 10 years, married for 3. We have two DC. We got together when we were 18 years old so have grown up together. We were both into the alternative scene, wearing "hippe clothes" having a wild time at festivals etc

For the last 3 years, we have both had to do a lot of growing up. We both have jobs, i work in the city so dress professionally, he is starting his career, his work place is farily casual, ie you can wear jeans etc.

Now the things is i still love him but he still dresses like he used to as a hippy, i.e buying weird hoodies and wearing them to work, when we go out etc.. Fair enough that he is his own person, can wear what he can BUT what he wears impacts on me. In the same way as if i dressed in grey trackies and went to town with him, ppl would think what a slob of a wife he has. I hate him wearing such things.

He also has long hair. In a pony tail. Hes had all the time i have known him. I wouldnt mind him having it that long but he is making it grow longer and longer. And its a turn off. I look at him and i thnk you dont turn me on. Its as if i have grown up and he is still living his youth.

How can i move on from here? I dont want to piss him off by telling him i hate the way you dress and your hair. Please no comments about beauty is skin deep and all that, because we all want our other halfs to look good and attractive.

Perhaps he doesn't like your sharp new look either? Very difficult and probably hurtful for him to hear. Is it really putting you off him?

Have you always been this shallow?

"we all want our other halves to look good and attractive" Yes of course we do, but you seem more worried about what other people think than how your DH feels.

You can't be growing apart simply because he's still hanging on to the looks of 10 years ago, I think this must just be your excuse ~ I don't imagine that you do still love him.

As Tim Gunn says here: www.oprah.com/style/Man-Makeovers#ixzz1xtWJZTFU women have a fervour for fashion but many men get a look that they're comfortable with and stay there.

Is it that he has wardrobe of clothes to suit rock festivals to funerals to dinner at a swanky restaurant but tends to wear the same 'uniform' to all events?

How much input do you have into his clothes buying? Do you source items you think he'd look great in and suggest them to him or buy them for him? Do you go with him when he buys new clothes?

FWIW, long hair/pony tails can look good at any age and with any outfit if the guy's a cool dude got a full head of hair and keeps it in good condition with regular trims but there's nothing worse if their hair is thinning or bald on top.

I do with him shopping, most of the clothes are bought by me or his mum (yes really!!) and she does a good job. Its mostly things be buys of ebay.

For example, he has gone for a posh meal in a realy fancy resturant wearing this www.ebay.co.uk/itm/BNWT-Bares-Heavy-Cotton-Hoody-XL-up-to-44-chest-Hippy-Boho-Ethnic-Festival-/260873223115?pt=UK_Men_s_Hoodies_Sweats&hash=item3cbd417bcb

It looks okay but would be more suited to going out to friends party.

He does have neat hair, but the problem is he is growing it longer and longer. its nearly halfway down his back and that is not attractive to me anymore.

OP it is not shallow thinking how other people will think. Im not asking for the publics approval but as i said, it reflect on me what he wears.

"it reflects on me what he wears"

Did the really fancy resturant have a dress code? surely you dress in what you feel comfortable in. Its not like he is wearing dirty clothes, just not what you deem suitable.

I guess there is only one thing for it - if he wont change his wardrobe leave the bastard.

I don't think it's him OP. Seems that you're the one who's changed/grown in a different direction. It's not a bad thing, it's life. You possibly have been exposed to different things/experiences lately and perhaps you are becoming a new version of yourself. I wouldn't try to pin it on him - but rather re-examine what I now want from life - and be open with him about it. He sounds quite cool.

Omigod!!! I wouldn't use that for dusters!

Honey, he needs a makeover. Where's Gok when you need him?

I dont want to leave him though. Its a BIT drastic!

I need some tips on how he can see my point of view without he thinking im trying to change him.

I do love him. Its just with such long hair, half way down his back now, i dont fancy him.

Ive said that to him, to shock him and it hasnt worked. I dont want to be the next woman on the forum who says i fell for other man at work etc becuase i dont find DH attractive.

How would you feel if he turned round to you and said he didn't find you attractive anymore (just) because your hair was too short/long/ dare I say it grey?

But you ARE trying to change him

Its not grey, its highlighted!!

If he said that, i would try and see his point his view. For example he doesnt like me wearing nail varnish, so i dont put any on. He doesnt like me having short hair so i dont do that. So i do make an effort to go along with how he would like me to look and i am quite happy to do that.

"i need some tips on how he can see my point of view without he thinking im trying to change him"

Really? can you not SEE how selfish this appears?

My DP is a scruffy bugger, and hes put on loads of weight - what do you suggest? Thing is, i have put on weight too - i figure if people can't like/love me for WHO i am, rather than what i look like, i dont need them in my life.

Im only asking him to alter his clothing when he is with me.

But the hair..... I loathe it

LMAO so you'll let him dress how he likes when he goes out on his own?? But what if he bumps into people who you know - oh, the embarrassment. You really quite like yourself don't you

Its not selfish to take care of your own appearance and the person you love.

Ive stated above that I do take care of my appearance of how i look, as he requests. Im only asking for him to do the same.

Any way, with hair that long, it would affect him professionally. He has been refused jobs before because of the length

I think people are being unnecessarily mean to you. I think it's fair enough that he should make a bit of an effort if you're going somewhere nice. No idea how to tell him subtly though. I just tell my dh he looks a scruff and suggest he gets changed. It works about half the time!

I kind of see where you are coming from, but it is you that has changed, not him. He's happy with his old look and thinks he looks cool (he doens't) and I guess you can't do that much about it, although I personally would feel challenged by a guy who dressed in that smock, my husband isn't a great dresser, but he does have a sense of what's appropriate (t-shirt and jeans for day, shirt and trousers/jeans for restaurant or whatever).

Has your husband not noticed you don't 'fit' together now? Would he not notice he doesn't dress the same as everyone else in the restaurant? Or would he be proud of that?

I guess what I'm getting at is whetehr he'd be open to you buying him some stuff which is still 'him' but on the plainer less hippy side, to which he could add a necklace or whatever he likes to wear. And I'd probably be blunt about the hair if he's blunt about not liking yours short.

But, if he chooses to do nothing, then I guess you have to decide if you really don't fancy him. My guess is that this goes wider, you are more successful than him career wise, he's just starting out, and I also wouldn't be surprised if you'd had your head turned at work by a handsome guy in a suit? (am I wrong?) and this is all playing on your mind. If this is the case, I'm not sure just a haircut will solve it.

my boss has long hair, its funny, when he was younger i was always a bit about it as i thought it made him look feminine. Now i actually thinks he looks quite sexy wiht it - maybe because he has put on a bit of weight and doesn't look so baby faced.

I have had my head turned and i did nothing to escalate it. I recognised what was going on and took a step back.

I do think the hair would make a lot of difference. Ive tried the subtle approach, ive tried pleading with him, ive cut my own hair short in spite (yes i know its not very clever but am desperate) and nothing has worked.

I think everyone at the restaurant (its a work do) would probably be thinking good old XYZ, hes such a hippie. So its not like they will be pointing or laughing at him.

His mates still dress like him, mostly as they are unemployed so it wouldnt affect him then either.

We do go out and im always conscious of his hair, happy if its tucked into his hoody and feeling awkward if its out.

well anyone who judges me by how i look would get a bit of surprise if they got to know me. Trouble is, they don't because if people are judging me (im scruffy because we have no money, im a bit overweight, clothes and image just not that important to me - dress smart if i HAVE to) by how i look - yep, i don't bother with them. Why on earth would i

There's no problem with that attitude if you're referring to potential friends doggie, but if you're making your way up the greasy pole career ladder the chances are you will be judged on appearance as well as ability.

If appearances don't matter, why do defence lawyers get their lowlife clients suited and booted in order to present an acceptable image of probity to the jury?