Growing Apart

[Nanananah]

DH and I have been together for 10 years, married for 3. We have two DC. We got together when we were 18 years old so have grown up together. We were both into the alternative scene, wearing "hippe clothes" having a wild time at festivals etc

For the last 3 years, we have both had to do a lot of growing up. We both have jobs, i work in the city so dress professionally, he is starting his career, his work place is farily casual, ie you can wear jeans etc.

Now the things is i still love him but he still dresses like he used to as a hippy, i.e buying weird hoodies and wearing them to work, when we go out etc.. Fair enough that he is his own person, can wear what he can BUT what he wears impacts on me. In the same way as if i dressed in grey trackies and went to town with him, ppl would think what a slob of a wife he has. I hate him wearing such things.

He also has long hair. In a pony tail. Hes had all the time i have known him. I wouldnt mind him having it that long but he is making it grow longer and longer. And its a turn off. I look at him and i thnk you dont turn me on. Its as if i have grown up and he is still living his youth.

How can i move on from here? I dont want to piss him off by telling him i hate the way you dress and your hair. Please no comments about beauty is skin deep and all that, because we all want our other halfs to look good and attractive.

Totally agree with issyizin

Also think you are getting an unduly hard time from some MNers here. It's all very well saying you shouldn't worry about what other people think, but once you get into the world of work it IS about appearance and having a "wacky" spouse/partner can certainly affect how people see you. Maybe it shouldn't be that way, but it is that way.

However, this really does come down to the way your lives are developing on divergent paths. You're now Ms Corporate, he's still Mr Hippie. If you have a relationship solid enough that you can embrace each other's "public personas" whilst still feeling connected, then great. But from what you say it sounds as though you are moving on and feel he isn't keeping up. Not a good sign. Time for a serious chat, I'd say.

OP I don't understand y people are being so harsh I completely SWYM. It's a tough one... As mentioned it is YOU that has changed not him so it does not come in your favour for arguments sake however I work with a girl who seemed so professional, sweet and quiet everybody likes her but were quite formal with her. When her DH came to the work outing with piercings and tattoos talking about raves and festivals we all thought he was great! So much fun! However I did notice people felt they could cross a certain barrier with her later because of it and she did not look comfortable IMO.

Not sure what to suggest maybe try going down a route of having a conversation about how you want more of life etc and that you should both turn over a new leaf? Make him feel like it's his idea by v gradually planting the seeds? Or just say something like: can I tell you something but please don't be upset, lately I just can't stop thinking that I really wish you would cut your hair and dress smarter at times I don't want you to change but I feel like how you look doesn't reflect who you have become...

Thank you, that has given me some idea of how to approach it.

I espeically like the bit about how you look doesnt reflect who you have become.

Hes not a bad one, he is a keeper and im not gonna sling his clothes out of the window or anything like that buttt...... if this doesnt work i will have to try the tears and being upset method....

I'm in the people are being harsh camp. Fact of life people judge you on your appearance that's life. Great if it does not matter to you, or your career. To ops it does. There are careers where this happens.

If I turned up to a function of my husbands like that, then yeah he'd be judged badly. See his job, he has to be polished, smart and good appearance is expected at all times. If I accompany him, my behaviour and appearance reflects on him.

Fine if you've never been in a career like it, but generally you want to get high up in certain jobs, appearances matter, that's life.

It does sound in a way you have grown apart, that happens that is not bad. But if his appearance really does affect your standing, then, you've got two choices.

See I'll never give up a chance to dress up. Yes at functions I do it for others and my dhs benefit. But then it's because we are a team, I want him to do well, as well as me, plus the money and respect isn't all that bad either!

I can see your point. You were 18 when you got together. When I was 18 I didn't have a fcking clue about anything. I was just interested in getting pissed and trying to shag girls. I met my exw at 19. We started off the same then careers came along, baby, mortgage, no money, responsibility. Needless to say we grew apart and split up.

Despite what some people say I can't believe that people really know that someone is suitable for the rest of their lives when you are at a stage in your lives when you haven't even found yourself properly.

It appears to me that you have grown apart.

I still love my ex wife but not in a way that would make me want to be with her.

Maybe dealing with this issue is what really needs to happen.

I would never leave him (as no one else could tolerate me the same way as he does!!)

I can see from the above replies how to tackle the clothes but the hair....

I know i keep on going on about it but.....i feel i have to put up with it. Cant throw the towel in each time we have a problem

I think your just going to have to be honest about it! But have you tried it in not a negative way....

So your watching a film together with a really good looking man in it. You play the 'he's really fit' card and dh gets the benefits. During this you could keep saying how much you think dh would look equally fit with similar hair, getting excited etc.

Basically make it worth his while to consider getting the chop. Turn it from a negative 'I don't like your hair' to 'I don't think I could keep my hands off you if you had hair like that'

Keep doing it, it will take time but eventually it will at least make him think.

You can't force him but you can make it all seem like such a great idea!

I dont want to be the next woman on the forum who says i fell for other man at work etc becuase i dont find DH attractive.

Look love, and all those saying you are getting a hard time, if you are looking for an excuse to shag someone else, come up with something better than this. We all have several things something we don't like about our partners, we don't think that will inevitably lead us falling into an affair .

I hate to state the bleeding obvious, but if a man came on here saying 'I hate the way my wife dresses and I don't want to have an affair because of it...he would get his balls metaphorically hacked off.

Here here, proud. Well said.

I've been reading this and thinking gosh, if DH wanted me to cut my hair and was so bothered he asked for advice on MN, I'd think, surely it's about more than just the hair? If he changes his hair for you, where does it stop?

I wouldn't approach it directly as in his shoes I'd be cut to the quick.

A sneaky way would be to get him to see a few photos of himself as he looks now (he may still have his 18 yr old self image in mind when he looks in the mirror) and if this shocks him into getting the chop so be it.

But if he is happy with who he is, and where he is, then changing himself for you can only make him less happy, and what will you want to change next?
Sounds like you have grown apart a little bit re. career/image, it's possibly a knee jerk reaction on your part.

Can't you embrace him for his individuality and secure sense of himself?
My DH is v corporate (his job) and had to leave his carefree side behind, I think it's wonderful your DH is hanging on to his.

Then again I feel for you. I have a friend whose hubby realised his unkempt appearance wound her up but they were going through a tricky time, he's a bull headed so and so and he let it go on to wind her up. She ended up leaving him.

OP why can't you accept your husband the way he is instead of trying to change him?

Btw I know a guy with extremely long hair who has a top job in the city earning megabucks.