Stressed husband....help

[Damejollybolly]

Ive been happily married for 15 yrs. We have a very comfortable life for which I am grateful every day and never take for granted .My dh has a v stressful job, works long hours but gets v well paid for it.
I have watched him go up his career ladder and with every new responsibility (which he loves) I can see him get more and more stressed.
This shows itself in insomnia. He hardly sleeps and hasn't for the last two years. Last night was typical; he worked on his laptop coming to bed just after midnight, couldnt sleep, got up at 1 am and read until 3am then got up at 5am to get an early train to London. He looks permanently shattered. On weekends he does relax, pottering in the garden, spending time with the children and playing sport, but because our families live far away we are often away visiting or have visitors. Admittedly we love socialising and have a pretty full calendar.
I really worry about him. He doesn't smoke or drink excessively and isn't overweight but can you live like that long term? I need my sleep, just could not manage. We hardly ever have sex because he is tired,or working or I'm asleep when he eventually comes to bed. His best friend had a breakdown ten years ago and my dh discussed things with him but he doesn't want to take medication.
I feel helpless and just need advice. I don't know how to help him. I dont nag or complain when he works late because he doesnt need the extra stress and i have everything at homecovered too.I feel as if I'm watching my best friend work himself into an early grave. It's awful.

Ok, I will pick my moment, but this is what we can try to change;

Use of blackberry on holiday/weekends/evenings (although he will say I'm just as bad on mn!)
Coming home at decent time twice a week.
Reduce visits at weekends and focus more on our family.

Of course I won't give him a list like that.

You are being a very supportive caring wife. I think I agree though that you could make some boundaries, eg the work laptop doesn't come to bed! The bedroom should be a place to relax, sleep, sex, chat, read a book, etc. That's normally the first advice you get for insomnia. Even if he comes to bed a bit later, he might find it easier to switch off and sleep. Do you think he would do that?

Maybe one request at a time? It would be extremely difficult to suddenly make a lot of changes.

The other obvious thing is, why do you live so far from his work? He's already lost 2 hours sleep getting a 5am train. Can you move closer?

I have to admit I a bit when I saw he gets up so early for work. My DH often works ridiculous hours, but he's kitchen table to desk in 30 minutes.
OP if the benefits of his stress and workaholism include a paddock and acres rather than the very nice 30s semi I live in, you do need to accept some of the responsibility.

That was harsh, you obviously really love him and want what's best for him, but why on earth do you live so far away from his work?

He works 30 min drive from our ordinary paddock less house. He occasionally works in London, today was one of those days.
He is actually good at not having laptop/blackberry in bedroom, but its just getting him up to the bedroom that's the problem.

Good. Sorry!

Does he work at a firm that will allow him a sabbatical after X years at the coal face?

Do you both talk about what you might do if you had sufficient money and didn't have to work? Do you have sufficient money? Does he need a career change or a break at least?

How old is he and when does he plan to retire?

Yes, he would do something outdoors.
No, we don't have enough money for him to do that. But, could,of course make life changes as I work too.

Dame I think the pressure to be a workaholic is particularly bad in law. I was in law for 20 years and towards the end they were expecting me to work 9am to 4am without a break. I was 37 weeks pregnant and said no. But they will suck the lifeblood out of you, and when you've got no more to give go on to the next person. Is your DH a partner?

Yes he is

It's hard - I really think it has to come from him. He will just think that you don't understand what needs to be done. Maybe you can have a talk about what you're happy / not happy with, at the moment, with your life together. I think the key is small changes, since he does not want to leave his job. Alternatively does he have any lawyer/similar friends you can talk to, perhaps not behind his back but bring it up in conversation when you're together?

Dame my dh would like to do something outdoorsy too so he chooses hobbies that are outdoors and active

Instead of working late and not being able to sleep, you dh could maybe go a a long walk or bike ride, to clear his mind and make his body physically tired. It's much easier to relax and get into a good sleeping routine if you have a varied and interesting lifestyle. It also helps to bring him out of his 'bubble' where the importance of work gets blown out of proportion.

Walking together gives you opportunity to re-connect emotionally and to talk about where you think your life together is heading, your 'what if we won the lottery' chats, the dreams, the regrets, the hopes, the fears. It allows you to chat about all those important issues without making it a confrontation.

And he will enjoy spending this time either with the family or on his own and look forward to it, rather than the old treadmill of work, eat, sleep, work etc. These are some of the things that work well for us and help keep a healthy work/life balance.

I'm a little surprised by the responses here and like ProudnScary, wonder whether posters would be so sympathetic to this man if he was a woman who put her job before everything and consequently deprived her husband of a sex life.

OP sometimes people hide behind apparently long working hours because there's something they don't want to confront and they'd rather their partners didn't either - their emotional unavailability.

Your husband is making a choice here.

If things are as you say, at the very least he is a bad time manager who doesn't delegate efficiently. Bad delegators are bad for everyone in the workplace - knowledge and skills aren't shared and staff cannot grow and develop. Eventually he will burn out and his judgement will be impaired leading to unprofessional mistakes. Meanwhile despite working yourself, you are left 'doing everything' at home and don't have a sex life or much time with him when he is actively listening to what's happening in yours and the childrens' lives.

Alternatively, he really isn't spending all this time working and is using work as an excuse not to come to bed with you or invest in family life.

Either way, apart from the material benefits, it sounds like a shit life for you and the children and so just as your husband is making a choice to live this way, so do you and never forget that.

My husband is a partner in a law firm too and works ridiculous hours during the week and is blackberry dependent too! He ended up in hospital last weekend with, thankfully a physical, not a mental health related complaint....

We are going to make some lifestyle changes....

Good luck..

BUT, he is not a bad time manager necessarily, the pressure in law is there to be at the clients' beck and call and they are responsible for bringing in business too. It IS highly pressurised and people 'outside' don't always understand just how and why.

Yes but those same clients are going to be let down spectacularly when the lawyer falls over so that he can't function any longer or go to work at all. This is why the lifestyle is bad for business as well as bad for individuals and families.
It is incredibly short-sighted from a business perspective to perpetuate this work-all-hours culture - and only works in industries where people are completely expendable and when burnt out, can be replaced easily by another sucker.

I understand, my husbands job is full on and long hours, he had an ulcer last year and also suffers from chest pains and insomnia sometimes. I try to have everything at home covered so he doesn't have to worry.
The thing that helped was my baby having a very serious op to remove a cyst from her lung, I'm not suggesting this as a solution but it helped to put his work in to context and he realised that his family was the most important thing.
This actually led to work problems and we have since moved for him to change jobs. He now actually has two days a week off. I'm getting a little sick of him TBH!
I think all you can do is support and love him. Is there any way he could try harder to delegate to take a bit of the pressure off?
I actually got some calms tablets and really I thin k it was more the act of taking them that helped rather than whatever's in them but it did losen him up a little and helped him sleep.
Can you get him to agree to one evening when he comes home early to have a special dinner, just the two of you?

sometimes it takes a trigger like Convert says to start the whole process of re evaluation.
For us it was DH having an operation on his nose which meant time off work, there were a few complications which meant more time off.
The fact he was getting so behind stressed him out and resulted in back spasms which would mean that he would literally be stuck in bed, on the floor etc.
That led to strong muscle relaxants and pain killers and more time off. It was a vicious circle and at the end he was so stressed and ill he had a 'mini breakdown'.
That was the turning point and now both of our working lives are much more sensible and we can have a family life too.
When I look back at the hours we both thought were normal I'm .

I, too, have a workaholic husband who commutes 1.5 hrs into the City every day. He's a very driven person - always has been - and it seems to suit him. (and NO he's not a banker!)

However, my suggestions are:

Does he have a regular medical check up? They usually send them off to Harley Street for a full check up. That may be worth considering. He may be able to talk to someone out of the loop about his stress.

Could he have a sabbatiocal? Or arrange for a few extra weeks holiday this year? (My ds went to see HR last summer and asked - they agreed and rolled over without any problem. He explained that he was working flat out, and was exhasuted) If your DH is worth his salt, then they will look after him.

Give him a hobby that he can do at the weekend. Get him fly fishing lessons, or shooting lessons - I can recommend the latter - very cathartic - and give him time out on his own (or take it up yourself!)

Tell him that you want him home on a certain night at 7pm. No excuses. Book a babysitter and go out.

Hope that something helps. Its awful watching them dig themselves into an early grave. I did once say to DH "Well, what are they going to say at your funeral, eh? That he worked his socks off every day for 30 years? For what?!"

Life is for living.

I can see both sides. Time for a change OP. x

My OH used to be a workaholic. For years managed on about 3 hours sleep, going to bed about 3 am, getting up 6 am to go to work. Would get in early evening, then start on some sort of project for himself, and because it was 'nice and quiet' when everyone had gone to bed, would carry on with his project until 3 am. When one project finished, he would find another. It was all self inflicted. He occasionally said he was tired - I was permanently exhausted with the disturbed nights. He didnt need to sleep much, three hours was plenty for him. Medical checks always showed he had high blood pressure, on the cusp of needing medication but never actually took any. Then two years ago he took early retirement, as the field in which he worked seemed to have dried up. In retirement he is still a nightmare. There is nothing he actually needs to do, he is always a flurry of pointless activity, still comes to bed at 2am. I think it is a lifestyle choice. I think a lot of men are like it. I think if you remove the work problem, he would only find something else to obsess about.

My OH is also a lawyer who was at a magic circle firm but was always on the verge of a breakdown. In the end he signed himself off after the birth of dd(officially on parental leave but actually on sick leave) and we had a big family re-evaluation as we knew it could not go on. So in the end he left - new job = less money but better hours and we now live in the country! Some of the other posters are right - it's a realisation/decision that your DH needs to come to by himself. I would propose saying that at least once a week he needs to come home at a reasonable time and the rest of the week he can work as late as he wants. If he's a partner he should be able to delegate enough to make that happen. If he can't do this then you need to think carefully about whether you can live with this situation forever because it's not just him in your family - you need to do what's best for all of you.