Please can I just dump some MIL stuff?

[boschy]

Sorry, it might be long, and I am not sure there are any answers, but I need to just get it out of my system!

I have always had a superficially good relationship with my ILs - polite, small talk, chit chat, etc etc etc. Most people who meet them think they are nice, interesting people who could get on with anyone.

However, for the last 4 years or so I have been finding it really hard to connect with them, and things they've said over the last 30 years (which is how long DH and I have been together) are starting to really haunt me. It is mostly MIL saying things, because she is the vocal one; but FIL's treatment of the kids also has an affect.

For example:

• when I had cancer the first time (aged 25) and was out of hospital after quite radical surgery, DH told her I was feeling a bit down; her response was "what's she got to be depressed about?"
• when we announced DD1 (their first grandchild) was on the way MIL's first response was "I hope you don't expect us to babysit".
• when their DD (DH's sister) was expecting, MIL told me "it's exciting when your DIL has a baby. when it's your own DD's child it's much more special and worrying"

Despite the above, we always had a pretty friendly relationship, saw them every 6 weeks or so for lunch etc.

4 years ago, DH's sister's husband left her suddenly. Ever since then all their focus has gone on SIL and her 2 kids, with lots of emotional, financial and practical support. Fair enough, she needed it then.

BUT, the thing is: as a result there seems to be no connection between us and them anymore. They phone DH (or he phones them) once a week; all they ask him about is how his business is going and a very perfunctory "how are the kids".

When we see them, if SIL is there then all the focus is on her kids and how wonderful they are and all the lovely (expensive) things PIL have done with SIL's kids; if SIL is not there then every single conversation comes back to either how well SIL's kids are achieving, or to the PIL themselves.

It's as if they have no interest in US as a family at all. And it's difficult. because there really is no answer when DD1 aged 15 says "I did so and so" and it is topped by PIL saying "oh well, cousin did that and more beyond".

DD1 (15) is my ally and makes proper conversation with me about topics beyond the cousins or the PIL's latest little holiday; DD2 (13) just goes off into a dreamworld; and DH talks to his father about computers.

There's more, but I've bored myself already! really, it's not that I care for me, but for the DDs, who are only too well aware that their grandparents have less time for them than they do for their cousins.

Actually, I also care for DH's sake too, because although he would never criticise (sp?) them out loud, he notices.

I think if I was you I would try to make the relationship even more distant, i.e. drifting in a non confrontational kind of way to seeing them at family occasions such as birthdays, etc only. If your DH or DDs want to spend more time with them I would leave that up to them. There isn't anything you can do to force your ILs to stop their favouritism but you don't have to sit there frequently, politely listening to it.

yes you're right; but what I find difficult is that they do make the effort to get us all together - either with SIL and her kids or without but either way the focus is still on the other grandchildren and never ours... detach is the right way forwards I suppose but it still hurts.

I completely understand where you are coming from boschy. I have been married for 15yrs this yr. my ils are v kind,friendly,welcoming,generous but reserved, v stuff upper lip, no emotional connection types. They do admire me I know because I'm a "traditional" wife.and they are proud of their grandchildren though never show it really.
My fil isv depressing, always looking back and wishing life could be like the old days. My mil is socially awkward and unintentionally speaks her mind a bit too much,inadvertantly causing great offence. Think shes a bit thick really!
Whenever they come to stay they always outstay their welcome and after all these years I feel guilty but I just can't stand having them over. It's not fun and my kids think the same, although they never say.
Because they have a favourite younger daughter they spend much more time with her. My attitude is thank god!!!we see them about 5 times a year which is plenty for all of us. My children don't have particularly close relationships with them but their other grandparents more than make up for that.
I feel sorry for my dh, but he gets exasperated too.
I do understand how it is unfair, I feel the same (rarely) but this way works best for us.

Similar situation here. Sister is a single mum, both my parents give her and her kids far more time money and sympathy. My PiL's other son has a suck wife,all we ever hear (it seems) is how much they help them and how hard BiL's life is.

I have learnt to cope by

Counting my blessings (still married, happy kids etc)

Limiting visits to just a meal if possible, overnight if we really ave to but no longer

Tuning out when they don't know how stupid and hurtful their comments are

Trying to find something nice about them to concentrate on

Drinking wine and Laughing if all the above fails

yes hebie, wine is a big help!!

Could your PILs be trying to make up for the fact your SIL is a single parent and overcompensating somewhat. I would be the bigger person and ignore them.

I do try anothers, but its very hard when it affects your children (and also DH)

Oh poor you. I hope your getting better. I totally understand your position. Ils can be devastating and a piece of work. From my experience, I think you could be giving yourself out too much to them(if that makes sence) And in return they think your desperate for attention hence coz they admire you and think your in a better position than their dd, they ignore you and your dcs. That makes them happy, and you feel neglected+your lovely kids.
There's only one solution, I tried it and IT's Working (couldn't be any happier). Ignore them, don't be in contact with them but when it comes to family get-togethers, look amazing, present your sweet lovely kids very well. Keep your head up, and if Ils try to investigate what you and your kids been up to, say very little and shift the conversation to them. And as soon as you leave, be the wicked witch in the west, forget about them and carry on with your life. I know its sounds "silly" but if your an emotional wreck like me, it'll make you feel better, to stop looking like the "desparate for attention". Deep down it'll kill them, though they will never admit.
Your even luckier, I live 5mins away from mil¥sil. I had to put up with them more that 3times a week. They were doing my head in. Till I found a strategy!

I feel your pain. My own parents do this with my kids and my sister's kids. It drives me insane.

No advice really, other than add more distance, if you can. That's what I do. I also have a special 'mm' noise that I just use whenever my mum us waxing lyrical about what geniuses my nieces are ...

Do you know what? I would be tempted - alone with MIL of course - to say "you do have other gcs you know, and tbh they're feeling a bit side-lined these days." Sadly, not confrontationally.

It is sad. They've probably just got into the habit of focussing on SIL, and haven't realized what an effect it's had on their other gcs, or how long it's been going on. Not to mention the effect on their son, but in a way that's his problem.

If it worked though, and they started thinking more of your children, they will get more involved with dh and you anyway. It's kind of win-win - if it works.

My ILs don´t have other GC (husband an only child)-and they can´t be arsed if it means an actual effort on their part.

We have been abroad more than 10yrs-they have never visited their only child & only GC.

Christmas-too cold, Summer-would husband have holiday all the time they were with us-not guaranteed- so all refused.

Fuck 'em, I say.

I have a boy & girl & I can see how my own daughter being pregnant might be more exciting than a DIL being pregnant-but I wouldn´t voice it or show it.

Although I can´t see how I could love any GC less than another.
(If I´m ever lucky enough to have any)

But really, I think that we still (ILs & I) feel uncomfortable around each other as we hardly ever see each other.

Well, FIL isn´t too bad.

But MIL is always nervous/fussing & it sets everyone on edge tbh.

Im some cultures the daughters children are considered to be more favoured than the sons children.

To be honest, its their loss. Some people lik to make everything into a competition. My MIL does it too. Every time we tell her about DD's achievement we are either interupted half through it or ignored.

We have learnt that its MIL's nature to compare everything to her standards or her experience. And we have accepted that. So we dont tell her much and go over as little as possible.

As parents they are naturally concerned for your SIL as her marriage has broken up, so they will be spending more time on her and her children.

Perhaps you could take all the children to the local park or snakes and ladder equivalent, so the children could spend time together as cousins without eveeryone fussing over. That way the cousin bond would remain strong.

A couple of things Boschy, your PIL sound really self-absorbed, in a really strange sort of way. So everything has to be about them, and since SIL's divorce, everything is about her. Am I reading that right?

With all the attention that your SIL and her family is getting, does your DH feel a bit left out? Has this always been the way it is in his family, or is it just since the divorce?

We had a similar situation. We're not confrontational, but eventually DH blew up about our DCs being ignored. The ILs were shocked and sorry; they said their main feeling towards us had been relief that we were "sorted" and not dependent on them as DSIL is, and that they had been mentally categorising us as "nothing there to worry about." They were worried sick about SIL, worrying how she would cope if they became ill or died, and it was a relief to them to give us no thought whatsoever.

Also, they felt that SIL was sensitive to the fact that our marriage has worked out, and hers hasn't and they didn't want to "rub her nose in it."

It hasn't really improved since, SIL whinges about us being "smug marrieds" and continues to soak up their time and resources, but their explanation helped put our minds at rest.

I think the real losers in our situation are the ILs; they could be getting genuine pleasure from our DCs, but instead they're immersing themselves in the anxiety of SILs situation.

SoSad and Puremince, I think you have both hit the nail on the head.

They are totally self-absorbed, see everything through a prism of their own beliefs/expectations, and this is something I had not actually crystalised in my head before

DH has always been a bit left out - he was the 'naughty' little boy, SIL was the little girl who could do no wrong. that scenario continued for a long time, and falling in love with me and leaving home at 18 so we could live together probably sustained that in their eyes (plus I am not what they would consider ideal DIL material - career driven - or was then - not that interested in baking or sewing etc)

I cant see any point in confronting them, they would see it as evidence of DH continuing to be the 'difficult' one and me being the hothead.

Mince your final sentence is how I see it too. what makes me sad is that my girls know it too. DD1 talks to me about it quite a lot - and I am very honest with her - and DD2 just wanders along in her own little world. Neither of them could care less if they saw their GPs or not. given that FIL treats DD1 as if she has SEN (she's dyslexic ffs, but he insists on speaking to her very slowly and in words of one syllable) I'm not surprised!!

Thank you both, food for thought there.

Awww Boschy, I'm sorry that this is the case for your and your lovely family. You are quite right in not confronting them, as they will put you in the 'naughty corner' with your DH. Any behaviour that feeds their self-absorption is just adding fuel to the fire.

Best thing you can do is to strengthen the bonds between you, DH, and your 2 lovely girls, so that your family, as a unit, stands strong.

So be strong, set good examples for the girls, and ignore the self-absorbed behaviour of your PIL and SIL. Think of it as a way of seeing how not to raise your family .

I had suggested we ask them for lunch tomorrow - Father's day, they're into all sorts of 'occasions'.

Dh said "oh no they're going to SIL's, so we're out of that one".

ok fine - but they just came back from taking SIL and her kids on holiday LAST Sunday!!!

grrr. I know it doesnt matter, its just a silly invented occasion; but I feel for DH I really do.

Does it bother your husband?

Mine lets their disinterest wash over him now.

I´m offended for him & the children, but keep it to myself.

Boschy - i feel your pain. My DH parents split up when he was young. He grew up with FIL. DC see MIL all the time, despite her living over an hours drive away. She makes a real effort to see all her GC. FIL on the other hand we see occasionally. He phones with 12-24 hours notice, on a weekday. We both work and GC are at school. He arrives about 5-6pm so may have tea with kids (if they aren't off doing clubs etc). He leaves next day or spends day at home on his own and then leaves next day. We meet with that side of family (ie his wife and SIL and her kids) once in blue moon, when all the conversation will be about the fun things they have done/ are doing with SIL kids. (and step SIL kids).

When ours were young they used to say they'd have ours join in once they were out of nappies/potty trained/learned to swim/etc etc ie goalposts moved every milestone they reached. The thing was that DD was out of nappies before SIL youngest was and they still had her for holidays and sleepovers. They took the whole lot of them to Disneyland when they were younger, which is fine, but then go on about it in front of my DC who they have never had over, even to their house, on their own!
That's why we don't bother going to see them much. They are great fun when we see them, but it makes us feel how much our DC are missing out compared to their cousins.

I think it does bother him, but he is a product of their upbringing and feels disloyal if he criticises them, even to me. and I could never tell him what I really think about the way they treat him, and by extension, our children. he would deny, deny, deny.

ho hum, I do really feel it is their loss on the whole.

sympathies for everyone else in the same situation.

Well it´s often not until you get older that you realise all family dynamics aren´t like yours, is it?

My husband still loves his parents, but can see & admit their faults.

I suppose they love him in their way-but there has always been too much pressure on him.

They´ve lived their lives through him & been bloody lucky that as a teen he wanted to & could knuckle down & get on with school work.

They always wanted better for him than they had-& now he´s got it- he gets paid to "sit on his arse & do nothing"

I think I can count on one hand the number of times we have seen them & MIL hasn´t mentioned her disappointment that he didn´t go to grammar school.

It infuriates me-and astonishes me that parents can be like that.

They always wanted him to marry & have children-& then when it happens, they don´t make the most of seeing their only GC.

I can´t figure it out & we´ve both realised it´s pointless trying.

By expecting us to do the visiting & not accepting invitations to come to us even when we have said that we wouldn´t be in the UK that year, they have missed their GC growing up.

And all to prove a point, I think-that they should call the shots.

the cousins dont get on particularly well... female cousin is 14 so slots in between my 15 and 13 year old DDs. male cousin is 9.

female cousin likes to play divide and rule between my 2, and gravitates more towards my DD2, leaving 15 yo DD1 to try and find common ground with a 9 yr old boy. and she is a good girl, so she does her best, but everyone has their limit!

for the last 2 summers PIL and SIL have engineered a situation where the cousins come and stay with us for 5 days or so so that "SIL can have a little break". so I get lumbered with 2 extra kids that I wouldnt choose to have (they're cousins, not friends) with all the extra work/money associated with that. SIL has never once said "thank you so much for having them, here's a bottle of wine/flowers/£50 to take them all for a day out". My 2 are not invited back to SILs in return - although I dont think they would want to go anyway.

I should add that SIL's ex is pretty hands-on and has the children about half the time, so she is not exactly abandoned.

I'm not doing it again this year.

sorry, its all about mememememe!

Actually, you sound a little bit spoilt and selfish. Your ILs are not responsible for your feelings, and relationships do go two ways. You don't sound like you have made much of an effort with them over the past years, and are holding tightly on to grudges from the past.

The way you talk about them is distant and quite rude. Your SIL needed help "then", your DD is your "ally". Who are you to judge how much support your SIL needs. So all single mothers have an allocated 6 months of empathy and after that should stand on their own two feet? And I feel a little sorry for your daughter who is being given an adult role in this dysfunctional game, instead of being encouraged to interact with her own grandparents. Instead of confronting, or bitching on here, why don't you try and encourage your husband and children to have a closer relationship with your ILs if that is what you want. Go and see them more often, call more than once a week and think of something to actually say to them, stop expecting to be handed a relationship on a plate. Invite them to stay. Go on holiday with them? Tell them how much you appreciate them and would like a closer relationship with them, just like SIL has as she presumably sees them often.

Families are strange things arent they? If anything they get worse as we get older.

First off, as someone who grew up without regular contact with GPs I can honestly say that I am not broken. You can reduce the contact without doing any harm or if anything doing some good!

Secondly, something I have observed with my own family is that I think my DM still sees my brothers and me as a kind of collective even though we are in our 40s/50s. This means that DM can be rude to one of us but in her own mind make up for that by being nice to a different one!

Thirdly, my DMiL sees herself as a sort of conduit of family news. This means that she tells you what another member of the family is doing. If you tell her what you are doing then she will tell you how another member of the family did that same thing. This is repeated across the whole family.

They do sound very self-absorbed.

Accept that this is your lot. Acceptance will make it hurt less.