Please can I just dump some MIL stuff?

[boschy]

Sorry, it might be long, and I am not sure there are any answers, but I need to just get it out of my system!

I have always had a superficially good relationship with my ILs - polite, small talk, chit chat, etc etc etc. Most people who meet them think they are nice, interesting people who could get on with anyone.

However, for the last 4 years or so I have been finding it really hard to connect with them, and things they've said over the last 30 years (which is how long DH and I have been together) are starting to really haunt me. It is mostly MIL saying things, because she is the vocal one; but FIL's treatment of the kids also has an affect.

For example:

• when I had cancer the first time (aged 25) and was out of hospital after quite radical surgery, DH told her I was feeling a bit down; her response was "what's she got to be depressed about?"
• when we announced DD1 (their first grandchild) was on the way MIL's first response was "I hope you don't expect us to babysit".
• when their DD (DH's sister) was expecting, MIL told me "it's exciting when your DIL has a baby. when it's your own DD's child it's much more special and worrying"

Despite the above, we always had a pretty friendly relationship, saw them every 6 weeks or so for lunch etc.

4 years ago, DH's sister's husband left her suddenly. Ever since then all their focus has gone on SIL and her 2 kids, with lots of emotional, financial and practical support. Fair enough, she needed it then.

BUT, the thing is: as a result there seems to be no connection between us and them anymore. They phone DH (or he phones them) once a week; all they ask him about is how his business is going and a very perfunctory "how are the kids".

When we see them, if SIL is there then all the focus is on her kids and how wonderful they are and all the lovely (expensive) things PIL have done with SIL's kids; if SIL is not there then every single conversation comes back to either how well SIL's kids are achieving, or to the PIL themselves.

It's as if they have no interest in US as a family at all. And it's difficult. because there really is no answer when DD1 aged 15 says "I did so and so" and it is topped by PIL saying "oh well, cousin did that and more beyond".

DD1 (15) is my ally and makes proper conversation with me about topics beyond the cousins or the PIL's latest little holiday; DD2 (13) just goes off into a dreamworld; and DH talks to his father about computers.

There's more, but I've bored myself already! really, it's not that I care for me, but for the DDs, who are only too well aware that their grandparents have less time for them than they do for their cousins.

I could have written your post myself. When I was once telling FIL about something funny my DS had got up to, he interrupted with " oh ours do that...." meaning their other GS, my SIL boys (my nephews). OURS??? I couldn't bring myself to finish the story.

Hmmm, be careful of that divide-and-conquer thing that SIL's kid is doing. It may be reasonably harmless when they are kids, and you can enforce their behaviour. However self-absorbed people raise self-absorbed kids, who grow up to be, guess what! Self-absorbed adults.

My sister's game of divide-and-conquer as an adult ended very badly - she turned turned 2 cousins against me and the three of them bullied me for 3 years. After that time, I'd had enough and turned my back on the 3 of them for my own health.

Keeping them at an arm's length is a good idea, and yes, it's all about "them, them, them" and will never change.

After over 30 years daffydowndilly, I think I have done (probably more than) my fair share of making the relationship work. but thanks for your input.

accept, ignore and detach is the way forward.

Yes, accept, ignore and detach.

Ime children get bored of GPs once in their teens. Still do the dutiful visits but really aren't that interested.

Maybe you are giving too much weight to your GPs relationships with SILs DCs. DCs probably don't really rate it. And what your DCs have never had they won't miss unless you make a thing of it.

They sound a self centred pair. I think you might have issues with maybe thinking they didn't think you were good enough or something for this to bother you so much now. Just give them a wide berth. You should all be glad to be well out of their way. And this is totally irrelevant Most people who meet them think they are nice, interesting people who could get on with anyone who gives a ff what 'most people' think, whoever most people are. Stop dwelling on this and enjoy your self with your lovely family and friends.

They will be old and needy in the future, then you can give a sigh of relief that you aren't the one expected to be on call (in fact I would move well away so that DH doesn't get landed with that!)

CPtart - so understand that one. My FIL calls SIL and StepSIL's DC 'the kids'. I'm often tempted to say 'oh so not my little aliens then? - are they not kids too?'
I'm joining boschy with accept, ignore and detach. Fab advice.

Something I read on another thread just sparked a thought; I think MIL may be a narcissist. Is there a definitive test somewhere?

She called me earlier this week to talk about DH's birthday present. And actually it wasnt about what he wanted or needed, it was about what they were prepared to give him.

I think you only have to google it, and there'll be lots information. If you search MN for narcissist, you'll find millions of info too!

oh god, they've just visited. they had been to lunch somewhere fairly local, said the would be here 6ish and turned up at 7.30. the conversation between them, DH, me and 2 DDs involved the restaurant they had just been to; the route they took between here and there; the traffic DH had encountered over the last fortnight; the next little break they have planned. At NO stage did they engage with the DDs (or indeed me). I was doing the bright lovely mummy act, talking about things we/the girls had done. FIL totally ignored; MIL showed cursory interest and then went back to convo about traffic/restaurants/hols etc.
Parting shot was "you must come and see us soon, we'd love to have you".
WHY?? they are not interested....

Just read my own advice to mysef about accept ignore detach - but its bloody hard when its the kids in the firing line. DH thinks the sun shines out of their arses.