Do I go, or stay

[winklepaws]

I'm 47 and with a man I met 6 yrs ago. 7 yrs ago both my parents died, my Mum committing suicide, Dad unexpectedly 6 weeks later. My Mum had bipolar since I was born and I have had numerous sessions of counselling over the years for depression. The general view is that i suffer from low self esteem.
My OH had numerous relationships prior to me and led a somewhat compartmentalised life seeing more than one person at the same time. He has a good job and is a law abiding upstanding person! We met and I became pregnant 8 months later and he said he would leave me if I had it and have nothing to do with it. I went along with this against my better judgement as I was at that point completely alone and didnt think I could cope as a single Mum. A yr later I got pregnant again and told him I was keeping it whatever, but then has a miscarriage. He then decided we should live together- completely changed and got totally committed to me and we bought a house and amazingly at 44 I had my son who is now 3.5yrs.

We have the 'perfect' life. Nice house, sufficient money, both with jobs we enjoy and a healthly son. Why then do I feel so unhappy I could go to sleep and never wake up. I do not love the OH and he is quite controlling and is away a lot with work (which I prefer). He is a bit aggressive and I am forever worrying that my DS will upset him, so by not enjoying swimming for example and then OH gets cross. I stay because it is best for my son to have two parents living together and I realise that at my age it is very unlikely that I would ever find someone else and I am afraid of being alone. And I am afraid I will turn into my Mother and end up hanging myself- I could not inflict that pain on my DS. How an earth are people strong enough to make decisions like this? I just want whats best for my son.

Why then do I feel so unhappy

You give your own answer:

I do not love the OH and he is quite controlling and is away a lot with work (which I prefer). He is a bit aggressive and I am forever worrying that my DS will upset him.

In other words, your partner is a bully, and you are walking on eggshells.

I stay because it is best for my son to have two parents living together

This is completely untrue. In your case, the opposite is true. Take it from the child of a bullying and controlling parent, and another who stayed and put up with it and failed to protect his own children from the effects of being bullied by our other parent. If you want to do what is best for your son, leave.

Its natural you want what is best for your son. I also think in general 2 parents are better than 1 BUT NOT when you are permanently miserable and treading on egg shells. Your son will definitely pick up on that and its no fun growing up in an unhappy household. You and your son need to feel comfortable and happy at home not nervous and edgy that you will say or do the wrong thing.
Have you spoken to your GP about possible depression? Also have you had counselling on the loss of your 2 prior pregnancies? It seems that you may have some emotions hanging around from these you need to deal with still. I would say go and speak to your GP and tell him exactly how you feel.
Its understandable to be scared of being alone - but at 44 I'm sure you would meet someone else. However, first you need to understand you, and what will make you happy. What do you want in life, what makes you excited, gets you going? Focus on finding you again, and the rest will probably become a lot clearer.

Should I stay or should I go

you should go.
i is damaging for you ds to live in a household with unhappy people.

"Nice house, sufficient money, both with jobs we enjoy and a healthly son. Why then do I feel so unhappy...."

Cages make you miserable, even golden ones.

Is it possible your depression could be bi-polar. It does run in families. My nan, my mum and I am bipolar and when I was diagnosed and medicated my symptoms lifted almost instantly

Oh and leave him look after yourself and your son. Big hugs

I stay because it is best for my son to have two parents living together

no no no no... it really is not!

it is best if those parents are happy, love each other and the child grows up seeing what a good relationship should be like.. but that is not happening here is it?

I realise that at my age it is very unlikely that I would ever find someone else

Again, that is absolutely not a valid reason for staying with some who does not make you feel alive and happy. And at 47, you are certainly not too old to meet anyone else! There are a lot of people out there, and plenty of them are your age, and quite a few of them will be looking for a relationship at some point in the coming years... you are most definately not destined to spend the rest of your life alone.

The death of a parent by suicide is horrific and has long lasting effects. I speak from experience as my FIL took his own life (bi-polar too), by hanging over 4 years ago, and it is still very raw, and something that my husband worries about as to if he will ever feel that way, so your concerns there are perfectly justifiable, and I would suggest some form of CBT or counselling to help you to work through those feelings. My husband had a breakdown after his dads death, (not immediately, but a couple of years later), and seeing someone recommended by our GP helped him get through it.

You need to go sweetheart, you really do.

Goodness, just come back and all your kind replies - thank you everyone didnt think anyone would read this. Have avoided making Doctors appointment as worried about admitting being depressed to GP as had bad post natal depression after DS birth and worried GP might report me to someone in authority who might try and take my son. Sounds ridiculous but you always hear about stuff like this in the papers.

Its quite reassuring that so many/all of you think that staying for the sake my son is not a good idea - thought it was accepted that you try and stay together no matter what.

All this could be just cos I'm a nitemare and a depressive pain and I am lucky to have a partner at all. Its so difficult to judge if you are a worthwhile person isnt it. I wish there was some kind of questionnaire which could establish whether you are good, or not. Then you would know whether you should be grateful to have anybody or whether you are actually really nice and deserve better. You get what you deserve dont you - but how do work out what you deserve.

Appreciate the advice thou and going to make GP appointment now and hope for the best.

but how do work out what you deserve

You get rid of what makes you unhappy. Then the journey will begin.

Hello,
I have just read your post and it makes me sad for you. your situation is terribly difficult and you are doing well to try and make sense out of it. I would just ask you if the alternative to your relationship can be any worse?

Hi winklepaws, please,please don't worry that your son could be taken away from you - you are allowed to be depressed, and to be on medication for depression, and still look after your child, so please do see your GP and get the ball rolling.

The most important thing I saw in your first thread, though, was your partner's reaction to your first pregnancy. Kind of unforgiveable, I'd say. I think your self-esteem must have been fairly low to have accepted that, and I'm sure that is at the root of why you are feeling this low now.

Do you think in your heart you haven't forgiven him for not accepting your first pregnancy? The fact that you now have a lovely three-year old will never undo the fact that he rejected you back then.

My mum left my controlling, emotionally abusive father when I was little. Best thing she could ever have done for me.

rhoobabble - thanks..and yes good point. But I think whats worse for my son, one elderly parent (me 47 - his Dad, 53) or at least two who 'fit' in with social expectations - I dont know any other single parents and DS adores his Dad ( when he's home). However that said i think I no the answer here and am trying to avoid the difficult few months ahead.

Getting rid of what makes you unhappy seems pretty practical advice to me!

You are a good person. You deserve happiness just as much as anyone else. You don't get what you deserve - I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years, I didn't deserve that any more than you do now.

I hope your GP will be able to help you, but definitely don't stay in a miserable for your ds, he won't gain anything good from it. Especially as he is apparently already pretending to like things he doesn't in order to please your h. That isn't fair on him.

I am in the same same situation, apart from the fact that my dh is a mama's boy. I'm not sure whether to go or stay too. So I'm watching your thread to fish for advice. The dominating/bullying nature of my dh has made me feel 'lucky' and priviledged to have him :( thank God for MN coz I can pour my trouble out and get some advice :)

p.s. you are not 'lucky' to have a partner who is 'quite controlling, a bit aggressive' and whom you don't love! You don't have to be grateful that he is your partner. Be grateful that you have a wonderful son, and start enjoying your life with him. Your partner may well be a good father, and he will still have the chance to prove that if you are living separately.

And one more thing, 47 IS NOT ELDERLY!!!!

Lovelymummy47... how many children do you have, guessing you are 47! How long have you been unhappy. Whats stopping you from up and leaving. It all looks straightforward when you read these posts. But real life is so much more scary

So sorry to hear about your situation OP. Completely agree with all the advice regarding leaving your OH. Your son can still have both parents but it will be better for him to have a happy mother that is out of the control of his father. IMO men learn this controlling behaviour from their own parents, so if he does not witness this kind of behaviour then maybe he won't be that kind of person when he grows up. Just a theory of mine and one that I am hoping will be true for my own DS.

I am a 44 yo single mother to a 2yo DS. I booted his EA, controlling, alcoholic father out when when he was 10 wks old. BEST thing I ever did. I not longer tiptoe around on eggshells in fear of upsetting the ex, don't have to deal with his lies and EA. Life is calmer and on an even keel at all times, no highs and lows. I am in control of my own life, and am very very happy with it. I'm not lonely, I work FT, have a great family and a beautiful DS. I have not time or desire to have another man in my life. I read some wise words once, that if your happiness depends on the actions of someone else, then you are in trouble. You seem to have a fear of being alone, please don't fear it, the alternative of staying in a bad relationship is far far worse.

winklepaws , my H has totally lowered my self esteem. I am an emotional wreck and he is a big bully. I'm scared of leaving cause I have nothing/anyone to fall back into for support. I know a couple of single mums and they struggle so much. The thought of being in that position makes me hold onto my relationship. I am very confused atm :(

I aslo do agree with you,Its easy for someone who is not in a similar position to say leave soonest possible , in rl it scares me to death. I just don't know how I would survive out there all by myself with my poor dd. The fact that my mum died when I was little, and grew up in a harsh environment with a step mother makes me feel I would never want my child to grow up without a mum and a dad together. So I do put my dd before making any decision. Not to mention, she loves him so much and I feel guilty to take that away from her :(

I dont know any other single parents

You will do though.. I can guarantee that as your little boy starts making friends, going to school, and you meet his friends parents, they will not all be couples, and you will make friends there too.

I didn't know any single parents either a few years ago. I probably had some preconceived ideas of what it entailed, if I'm honest. But now I'm one, and many of my strong, intelligent, lovely friends are too, often through their own choice, while others remain in marriages so bad they'd be better off alone imo.

I promise that a few years ago being on my own with dc's would have been my utter idea of hell, but the reality is nowhere near as bad as I'd imagined, and we all cope just fine. The children are happy and secure. If you're financially secure, that will make a huge difference.

My XH was so unhelpful round the house, and with the dc's it was actually easier to be a lone parent than it was to run round after him as well as them. I get more time to myself now, as he has them every other weekend. And being free of the lurching stomach eggshell feeling is amazing.

It is easy. I left and went back more than once. Although I've kicked myself for that since, it was the way it was at the time. I can promise you, if you get the right RL support it can make all the difference. Can you ring the CAB, WA or a solicitor so that you can find out where you stand or how to access support?

I'm not going to tell you it was easy, there were times when it was bloody hard, but it is the best thing I could have done. I firmly believe it saved my life and meant my ds has grown up with a strong, independent mother which in turn means he has a great respect for women in general. I broke the cycle - his dad and his father both view women as second class citizens.