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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

EA *prick of a bf- How to hurt him

26 replies

MicroMacro · 15/06/2012 08:49

Have had an on off relationship with bf for over 5 years. We live in different countries so we dont get to see each other a lot but still are close.

Recieved a message from him at 4 in the morning, which apeared to be replying to a question. Which is suspicious as i hadnt contacted him for two days. So i got very angry and asked who he had been messaging (it was a dirty message). Its been over 3 weeks and i havent heard anything. Zilch. I have even appologised for calling him up on it. Nothing back.

Bit of background, he has a history of straying. A lot. But being the fool that i am, i keep on running back to him when he says sorry. Even when he got a STD, he managed to wringle out of it. He does say he loves me by the way.

Now i have been on mumsnet long enough to realise emotionally abuse behaviour. And you could write a book on his behaviour. I know the relationship has run its course, My question to everyone is how can i fuck him over? how can i hurt him back? I know this isnt a game but there is only so much i can take. The only thing important in his life is his phone ( for contacting other woment), so apart from smashing that up, i dont think anything i say or do will hurt him.

Obviously scratching the car is out of the question, as i dont want to fly over to a different country just to do that!

OP posts:
TequilaMockinBird · 15/06/2012 08:51

Forget about him, and move on would be my advice.

bronze · 15/06/2012 08:54

Seconded

VajeenaVaginaVajayjay · 15/06/2012 08:56

I can understand your anger but trying to get some sort of revenge will not end well. It's undignified and will prolong you moving on.

Cut him off, delete his number and move on with your life. Have a good cry, pamper yourself and put it down to experience.

Lovetats · 15/06/2012 08:56

You'll hurt him the most by cutting off all contact and living a healthy, happy life without him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/06/2012 08:56

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Cold indifference now to him is the best revenge here - this is your revenge to him. Living well is also the best revenge, you do not need him in your life. Cut him out of your life completely, go cold turkey on him as of now. Block his number from your phone and block any e-mails he sends. You can do this.

I would ask you what you got out of this on-off five year relationship?. Great highs and crushing lows no doubt. This was and remains an unhealthy codependent relationship.

If you keep allowing yourself to be sucked back in he will continue to play you. You need to actually figure out for yourself why you allowed yourself to be involved with him for so long. Did you think you could rescue and or save him here, did you think your love for him would actually make him a better person?.

Would also suggest you read "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood.

cupcake78 · 15/06/2012 08:59

I know your hurt and want revenge but honestly the best way is to end it, move on and be happy! Don't lower yourself. Keep your dignity and be the bigger better person. Nothing will hurt him more than him not having an effect on you. That is the most frustrating thing possible.

Sit back and his time will come, it may not be for 20yrs but he is likely to end up worn out, soulless and very lonely.

Make yourself a happy life

squeakytoy · 15/06/2012 09:06

You havent heard from him for 3 weeks? This isnt a relationship, and I doubt you can "hurt" him, because it doesnt sound like he would care. He doesnt view you as a girlfriend and is most likely happily getting on with his life and has been for a long time.

Dont waste energy trying to get any sort of revenge.. just use your time to move on and forget about him. Delete his number and ignore any contact from him.

SoSad007 · 15/06/2012 09:08

Don't do it, revenge opens up a side of you that is unpalatable to others. Specifically if you have any integrity whatsoever, then revenge goes directly against that value. Once you have violated that value, then what's to stop you from doing more damage?

As others said, live your life to the best that you are able. People who lie, cheat and manipulate are missing something from their lives which they are trying to get a hold of. By showing them that you are a complete adult is more than enough revenge.

redrubyshoes · 15/06/2012 09:10

Get yourself some bricks, build a bridge and get over it. Some people are not worth the head space.

RabidAnchovy · 15/06/2012 09:12

Pick up your dignity give it a good wash and walk away

Anniegetyourgun · 15/06/2012 10:04

See, when he says he loves you, I expect he means it at the time (and probably when he says it to his other girlfriends too), but he doesn't mean what you mean by love - that thing where you actually care about someone as a fellow human being rather than a lifestyle enhancement (cf: "I love this handbag"). The only true love of his life is the great Himself.

I doubt you can hurt him, in any meaningful sense (without doing something so stupid that it would end up hurting you more), but one thing you can do is avoid giving him the satisfaction of knowing that he was that important to you.

Original poster
MicroMacro · 15/06/2012 10:09

That is true Annie.

We had a discussion once about saying i love you. Im recalling it now, he agreed that sometimes people say it in the heat of the moment. I dismissed it then as banter, but it seems he was saying what he actually thought.

Its disgusting me now that i put up with him.

Thank you everyone for your advice. It makes sense to keep myself happy, that is the best revenge.

Sometimes you need others perspective to see the light!

OP posts:
ashesgirl · 15/06/2012 10:13

You're just angry now which is a healthy thing to feel in the circumstances.

Just don't act on it in a revengeful way against him! Use it to move on and leave this behind.

AnastasiaSteele · 15/06/2012 10:17

I'm learning that the best way to hurt these types is ignoring them. They can't bear not to have attention. So, if you move on, this will have two outcomes - your happiness, his misery.

TheHappyHissy · 15/06/2012 10:17

My love, I'll pick you up on one thing first if I may..

"Now i have been on mumsnet long enough to realise emotionally abuse behaviour"

Now, THIS is not necessarily emotional abuse. The guy is not with you in the same country so to all intents and purposes YOU are not trapped by him, he's not tearing you to pieces, isolating you or verbally abusing you.

He IS however treating you like SHIT. This is Emotionally Twattish Behaviour.

So NOW I will give you a ((((HUG)))))

The best thing you can do is VANISH from his life. NO-one gets to do that to you and get away with it. How DARE he.

The relationship is FINISHED. Lick your wounds, establish that you REALLY DO deserve better that this cock and put a plan into action to be happy, secure and find someone who IS good enough.

To begin with, imagine that you are on CCTV and that he can see you shrugging this off, you toss your hair over your shoulder and stride onwards, leaving him in your fragrant wake.

You are NOT BOVVERED...OK?

MissFaversham · 15/06/2012 12:45

Two wrongs don't make a right sweetheart. Be the bigger person here, block delete, ignore.

Hugs from me too.

happyhappymummy · 15/06/2012 12:58

Its horrible when you want someone and they dont want you back. It kinda makes you feel like whats wrong with me? Why arnt I good enough. It hurts and you want him to feel the pain you have felt.
Guys like this are not worth our time and thoughts. Easy for me to say this but honestly I have been here, wanting this one person to want me back.
The only way to move on is like everyone else has said and delete all contacts and get out there and meet someone that is worth being with.
You will look back and wonder why you even wasted so much time on this A hole!

izzyizin · 15/06/2012 13:13

The best revenge is to live well and let karma sort him out.

solidgoldbrass · 15/06/2012 13:35

Unless he actually said he loved you and that you were his only partner, he hasn't even really done much wrong - and it sounds as though he was trying to tell you that while he liked you, he wasn't ever serious about you.

Trying to 'hurt' him will make you look like a selfish, unstable twat so don't go there. Give yourself a few months to sort out why you feel the need to cling on to men who are Not That Into You, and when you start dating again, remember that there's no need to rush and no need at all to put up with behaviour that makes you unhappy. Trying to make someone love you will wear you out and annoy the other person.

CoteDAzur · 15/06/2012 13:37

I would say your best move would be to identify him (name, surname, age, city) on this thread, so that the next girl who meets him and Googles his name will see what a jackass he is. HTH Smile

Lueji · 15/06/2012 13:49

Don't.

Just forget about him. Or rather, take the life lessons you need to take and move on.

Revenge keeps you connected to him.

WineGoggles · 15/06/2012 14:52

Micro sorry to hear about your twatter of a "BF" but I echo what the other posters have said and that's to ignore him. That will hurt him the most, but expect him to up the charm once he's cottoned on to the fact you're not bothered about him anymore. So block his emails and texts, and pamper yourself. Someone posted this on MN and I think it's a good site, and you may find this nugget in particular helpful...
"One of the most difficult tasks in life is removing someone from your heart. ? But remember, no relationship is a waste of time. The wrong ones teach you the lessons that prepare you for the right ones."
www.marcandangel.com/2012/06/13/15-relationship-truths-for-tough-times/#more-465

solidgoldbrass · 15/06/2012 19:01

Cote: He may not be that much of a knob. A woman who's been insisting that this is a Relationship for five years despite the bloke's attempts to flee, who responds to his dumping her by asking for ways to get revenge.... maybe she's the one that people need to be warned about.

lisaro · 15/06/2012 19:16

I agree with SGB.
OP keep what tiny bit of dignity you may have left and let it go.

CoteDAzur · 15/06/2012 19:20

I don't remember if I've ever seen you on the side of the man on these threads SGB, so this gave me a bit if a shock but you may be right.