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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH abusive & depressed. WWYD?

38 replies

kaz456 · 14/06/2012 21:26

DH is emotionally, verbally abusive. he is controlling and basically a nightmare to be with. He has turned me into a wreck :(

we have 3 young children (1, 3 & 6) and my middle DC has a very complex and severe disability. and tbh, financially I would screwed without DH's income (i only manage to work P/T and we have a big mortgage); also, I do not have family to support me.

DH has been EA, VA and Controlling (e.g. he won't often let me see friends, I am only allowed 1 shower per week etc) for some time but it is really bad right now and I think he must be having some form of breakdown; he has serious mental health issues and a history of depression. he even threatened to abandan me and the DC last week and to basically dissapear (I know he made preparations for such an exit e.g. his passport and other essential things have been packed in a small bag and hidden away - i only discovered this by chance).

really don't know what to do. staying with him will destroy me but I know he has issues and needs help and I do not feel it is right to leave him in such a state.

sorry, it is all a bit garbled but head is spinning; I cannot think clear and have nobody to talk to.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Sposh · 14/06/2012 21:30

Poor you, what a nightmare.

He's not about to disappear unless you boot him out. Sounds like you should do exactly that though as violence and abuse are not acceptable even (and especially in some cases) if there are mental health issues.

Do you accept that he needs to go?

doggiemumma · 14/06/2012 21:34

Oh, poor you - this is a terrible situation. I think all of his horrible behaviour is because of his mental health issues, but that doesn't make it any easier for you to cope with them. Only having one shower and not allowed to see your friends is very very wrong.

Is he under the doctor? Could you persuade him to go? probably not.

Is there anything that has triggered him being particularly bad just now?

ARe you getting enough support for your son?

And lastly, its OK to leave him - you have to prioritise your children. Maybe call Women' aid.

Im not suggesting your DH is a bad person, he is ill - but you have children :(

Original poster
kaz456 · 14/06/2012 21:40

would love him to go but i know I would not see a single penny from him and without it, i would not cope financially ( as i said, we have a big mortgage and because of the 3 DC, i am not able to return to work FT). I think I am full of financial worries.

I also worry that he might dissapear (I know he could/would do that ) but the house / mortgage is in joint names and I don't want to even start thinking about the mess this would get me into.

and the DC are so very fond of him, very attached to him. I would feel really guilty if they would have to grow up without their dad.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 14/06/2012 21:41

Where are his parents? Are they close by? Could you talk to them about it.

You cant go on like this, it isnt fair on you or your kids, and it will make you ill.

solidgoldbrass · 14/06/2012 21:42

I doubt the DC are really fond of him, they may want to love him but be terrified of him. I think you need to get rid of him, and quickly. Only 'allowed' one shower a week? What happens if you just go and have a shower, does he become violent?

Original poster
kaz456 · 14/06/2012 21:44

he is not currently seeing a doctor... he won't go. he has always had depressive phases. i think his mental make up is just like that iyswim.

i get good support from my DC with SN but this was a battle which itself brought me pretty close to a break down but I am much better now.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 14/06/2012 21:44

There are thousands of women who cope on their own, and you can do it too. It is better to be poor and safe, and happier, than live a miserable existence.

Your children are possibly too young now to understand and realise the abuse that you are going through, and I have no doubt it is hidden from them, but it wont stay that way, and very soon they will see it, and will know that their mum is being treated badly. Dont let them grow up thinking this is how a relationship should be as it can scar them for life.

You deserve better, and so do they.

Original poster
kaz456 · 14/06/2012 21:45

No idea what would happen. I shower when he is not in the house so he won't know. FFS - I am 37 and take secret showers :(

OP posts:
Lueji · 14/06/2012 21:46

Consider the worst case scenario of him leaving and how you live now.
Not financially but your happiness.
Would it be that bad?

If he has mental issues he should seek treatment.
You don't have to put up with it.

SundaysGirl · 14/06/2012 21:47

But to be honest even if you lost your house and so on you happen to live in a country which has a system to provide for this sort of thing. There is financial aid you could get, maybe not without losing the house but you would not be starving on the street. (if you do, ineed live here in the UK). Whats worse? Losing some bricks and mortar and being financially worse off or you and your children living like this?

MiniTheMinx · 14/06/2012 21:49

Why will he only allow you to have one shower a week? In what other ways is he controlling? Have you challenged him? What happens when you do?

He is a control freak and I think that can be a sign of someone with very low self esteem. This is why he tries to dominate you, if he makes you feel and behave less worthy it makes him feel better about himself. He needs help but the problem is all his.

NimpyWindowMash · 14/06/2012 21:50

Is VA - violence or verbal abuse? What happens if you arrange to see your friends whenever you like, take a shower whenever you like?
Take back control. He can't stop you doing these things. Tell him either he needs to get urgent help immediately - and go with him to the doctor. Or he has to leave. You can't put up with this for the sake of his income. He will still have to contribute to the mortgage. Either that or you have to find somewhere else to live.

Original poster
kaz456 · 14/06/2012 21:51

he earns more than I do and is not content with me using " his water "...

OP posts:
Original poster
kaz456 · 14/06/2012 21:55

VA - verbal abuse. he has never hit me. but his VA is really bad. not a single day passes witnout being called " a fucking piece of shit", idiot, fucking idiot etc etc... I do not understand what his triggers are. he just finds an excuse to call me names (todau e.g. I did not look at him when he asked me something and he just kicks off then and get a shouting & door smashing fit. happens almost every day :(

OP posts:
pumpkinsweetie · 14/06/2012 21:56

Oh honey, please don't allow this to gone.
You deserve a better life for you and your dcs, no-one deserves to be verbally abused or controlled.
Surely a life on benefits would be better than the life you are living now??, you will get help honey, it is out there op, you just have to grab it.
Phone womens aid and see what they could do for you, don't live in silence with this abuse, do you have any RL support at all?
I used to be in a situation simular to yours, please do not allow it to continue, womens refuges are there for women in situations like yours.
A 37 year old only allowed one shower a weekSad, what awful treatment of a woman.
Your dcs may be scared of this man too, they need you to get them out of this awful situation-never mind the house for now, get to somewhere safe, legal things can be sorted out through solicitors.
This situation isn't normal, and if he will not seek help it will not change and even then it still might not help

squeakytoy · 14/06/2012 21:57

aw you cant go on like this love, you really cant... :(

this is going to escalate, and it will turn violent, I can absolutely guarantee that.. you have to tell him to leave, or leave yourself.

this is not depression, this is just nasty abuse..

SundaysGirl · 14/06/2012 21:58

"his water" ?!!!!!!!

Wow. I think you need to arm yourself with some knowledge about abuse and how to begin to break free and start your planning. This is no life for you or your precious children. Finances CAN be sorted out, there ARE places where you can get support and advice and assistance. And in doing so you will emerge stronger and more capable and your children will flourish, because trust me with a father like that they will only wither emotionally. He is NOT a good father, no person who treats another human being like this is a good father and believe me your kids know that.

Fond of him? I would imagine scared and confused about him is far more accurate. Especially if there is shouting and smashing every day. Kids KNOW when things are not right like this, even if they cannot articulate it. Do not be fooled by brave faces, they are being as damaged as you are. Get angry for them and for yourself, you and they don't have to live like this. You don't.

Original poster
kaz456 · 14/06/2012 22:00

but on the other hand i really would like to help him. i do not think he would cope if i left.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 14/06/2012 22:01

When has he seen a doctor? Has he ever been diagnosed with depression or any other mental health condition by a professional?

Original poster
kaz456 · 14/06/2012 22:03

he saw a doc several times over the last 4-5 years. think the last time was about a year ago and yes, he has been diagnosed with depression.

OP posts:
AnyoneForTennis · 14/06/2012 22:03

Does he verbally abuse colleagues? Does he kick friends doors in? Or is this all reserved for just you?

Also, this 'depression' and mental illness he has. What was his diagnosis and when? Or has he never seem a doctor about any if this, ever?

AnyoneForTennis · 14/06/2012 22:04

Ah x post!

squeakytoy · 14/06/2012 22:04

but on the other hand i really would like to help him. i do not think he would cope if i left.

let him try it then... he might actually appreciate you a bit more and do something about his anger and his nasty behaviour towards you, although I am sorry to say I wouldnt hold out much hope.

You cant help him. He can only help himself, and if he doesnt want to do that, then he will just continue to behave like he does now, and get worse.

He is a bully, and he has already worn you down, but you are questioning it, which is good, because you know that this isnt right, and that he should not be treating you this way.

squeakytoy · 14/06/2012 22:07

Doctors diagnose depression far too easily. This is NOT depression. Depression does not make people controlling, abusive and cruel.

My husband had depression, he had a nervous breakdown, and there were times when he was sharp, bad tempered and said some cruel things.. but not all the time, and he was also bloody sorry when the depression lifted a bit.

He may well have a bit of depression, and I am no doctor, but I very much doubt he told the doctor the full story.

Does he ever show any remorse for his behaviour? If so, the next time he does, get him straight back to the doctor, go in with him, and tell the doctor EVERYTHING.

Original poster
kaz456 · 14/06/2012 22:09

no remorse. never ever.

OP posts:
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