DH abusive & depressed. WWYD?

[kaz456]

DH is emotionally, verbally abusive. he is controlling and basically a nightmare to be with. He has turned me into a wreck :(

we have 3 young children (1, 3 & 6) and my middle DC has a very complex and severe disability. and tbh, financially I would screwed without DH's income (i only manage to work P/T and we have a big mortgage); also, I do not have family to support me.

DH has been EA, VA and Controlling (e.g. he won't often let me see friends, I am only allowed 1 shower per week etc) for some time but it is really bad right now and I think he must be having some form of breakdown; he has serious mental health issues and a history of depression. he even threatened to abandan me and the DC last week and to basically dissapear (I know he made preparations for such an exit e.g. his passport and other essential things have been packed in a small bag and hidden away - i only discovered this by chance).

really don't know what to do. staying with him will destroy me but I know he has issues and needs help and I do not feel it is right to leave him in such a state.

sorry, it is all a bit garbled but head is spinning; I cannot think clear and have nobody to talk to.

WWYD?

In that case, he clearly thinks it is his right, and it is acceptable. :(

You really have to get away from him. Honestly.

You can have depression AND be an abuser you know. The two are not mutually exclusive. I've never met anyone or heard of anyone personally (after working in mental health for 6 years and suffering depression myself as well as having two partners with it and several acquaintences) whose depression has caused them to act the way your husband has been acting. Even if he does have depression this is about WAY more than that. He is an abuser. You cannot help him or fix him. There is nothing you can do to make him better and be the husband and father your family deserves. You CAN protect yourself and your children though.

And he's never ever shown any remorse? Then he is not sorry, he feels entitled to treat you this way. Thats NOT depression.

I have had depression on and off for 16 years and I have never been abusive sad yes and very ill.

He has to help himself if he's depressed and seek help.

As others have said what he is doing is EA and I hope you seek help from woman's aid for yourself and your children.

(((hugs)))

I know finishing things would be hard but i honestly don't think you have a choice. You have to leave for yourself and for your children. If your children continue living with their dad they will grow up treating people how he treats you or becoming victims of someone like him themselves. It will mess up their lives. There is nothing you can do but leave.

His depression or whatever is for him to sort out. You can't save him or change him. You just need to do what is best for your children.

What PooPoo said.

Even if he has depression his behaviour is abusive and that is in addition to depression, not because of it.

You do not have to live with it even if you want to help him.

My exOH was verbally and emotionally abusive, although not as controlling as yours; he claimed to have SAD but had never been diagnosed - I think this was an excuse to act even more of an arsehole in the winter months. Depression is no reason to treat someone like the shit on your shoe. My exOH showed (and continues to show) no remorse as he thinks he's done nothing wrong. He seemed to believe I was there to serve his needs but god forbid I ever needed anything from him.

You have to get out of there. Take a look at the info at the top of the 'Support Thread for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships #9' (can't find it at the moment but will link to it if I can). There is a wealth of information there. I would also advise you to ring Women's Aid as soon as you are able.

Sounds as if your h is suffering from chronic selfentitleditis for which the only cure is isolation.

Go see your GP, tell him what you've said here, explain that the situation is making it difficult for you to function properly, ask for a referral for counselling and get a prescription for anti-d's.

Wave your medication under your h's nose. Tell him his behaviour has caused you to be depressed and proceed to take your angst out on him by swearing and shouting out of earshot of the dc at every opportunity. Watch him tread on eggshells around you... not.

Take no notice of his moods, see your friends whenever you want, have showers morning, noon, and night, and move his packed bag to a permanent position by the entry door to your home.

Buy a bottle of good and hide it away until he picks up his bag and disappears - at which time you and your dc can celebrate the beginning of family life as it's meant to be lived.

Talk to your local Women's Aid branch www.womensaid.org.uk and ask for recommendations for solicitors who specialise in family law and offer a free half an hour initial consultation. Should the twunt leave, it's probable you won't be as badly off financially as you fear.

Please don't be under any illusions that staying with him would be in the best interests of the children. It would not be. They will be aware of the abuse and it will be frightening and emotionally damaging for them. Acting in their best interests would be to get them out of that situation.

Your husband sounds a lot like my (narcissistic) dad. My mum finally found the courage to leave him when I was 15, and it was the biggest relief. Sadly a lot of damage had been done by then because of the years of emotional abuse I suffered and witnessed. Please don't allow yourself to be treated like this any more, you deserve much better.

My exp has and had depression and was also controlling and abusive. It takes a huge step to separate everything and actually realise that you are not responsible for him . Only for yourself and your dc.
The fact he is abusive with his depression justifies even more leaving until he can get himself treated.

Though the likelihood is it is his in built personality.

You have to leave him to sort out his mental health. It is damaging to you and dc.

You need to reach out to people who can support you .
Talk to local women's aid.
Talk to your disabled children's team social worker about housing options and so on for you. And dc. Tell your gp and ss exactly what is going o. Here and that you need their help and support .

You can sort out finances later.

Start thinking that yes you have to leave him because this is no way to live and no way for your dc to live. They know no different but life could be so much nicer for them.

It is hard to disengage but start by tellingyourselfF that you are not responsible for his mental health. Nothing you do staying or leaving will worsen or otherwise his mental health you cannot save him but you can save yourself. If you like, assuage any guilt by telling his gp how his depression is manifesting and any concerns over how he might react to you leaving eg threaten suicide.
If he does threaten you don't talk to him you just call 999 Aand tell police and medical services to deal with him because you cannot.

Start by talking to women's aid tomorrow and calling social worker . Mine (I also have sn son) was extremely helpful and supportive .
Also counsellor I saw via gp. Helped me to see clearly.

You have made first steps posting on here.
Next is real life support.
You can do this
You can be free to shower whenever you like. Think of that as incentive.
The system is there to support you.

If he truly has serious mental health issues he needs mental health professionals to treat him and help him.
Any signs he will do something to harm himself call 999 .
You cannot treat him.
You cannot be responsible for his mental health only yours.
Tell his gp, tell anyone and everyone do not hide it. They can help him.

You need to either think of getting him out of the house at least for a while
Or leaving with dc.

Also the next time he smashes a door call police and have them come and remove him. Let them see the evidence .