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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

ex-H been on MN reading my posts

71 replies

mistressmiggins · 24/02/2006 10:08

and says that I shouldnt listen to you lot cos not qualified to give advice
and laughed at what Ive written

feel gutted

I get support from you guys
I get to sound off and say things that perhaps I dont want to say to RL friends & family - mainly cos PROTECTING H
AND chat & laughter - I dont just post miserable stuff....

feel my thoughts have been invaded

yes I know its the internet but I didnt expect him to bother reading as he never did when he was here.

He says he was thinking about the children and was alone in a hotel room with internet access so chose to read what Ive been writing

now feel I cant post about anything other than chat

OP posts:

spacecadet · 24/02/2006 18:48

MM, if its any consolation, just before h left me, he said to me" you dont need anyone, youve got your mn friends now, they cook you meals and come and come and visit, what do you need me for?", He said this the day lgj and mars came to see me, he obviously saw m,n as a threat, amd if hes reading this now .....you were crap in bed

maturer · 24/02/2006 19:21

mm- you have obviously touched a raw nerve in what you've written- it's hard to see in print just what a jerk you've been so he's trying to stop you writing about it- don't!
I know how you feel when my dh had the affair he told me about mn, trouble was he also told HER ( god knows why as she not a parent!) anyway found out she was reading all i'd written. I felt violated and gagged and that i had NO one to talk to then- so i went back and read all i'd written and I thought nothing here is false or untrue. What i'd said about what was going on was all fact and my feelings were honest and I did not regret a word I'd written. so i did stop fpr a short while- came back with a new name- and have kept writting ever since,.
Don't care if SHE is still reading it- I am not the liar and cheater and deceiver- she/ they (at the time) were! and i'm still telling the truth.
Sp mm- keep it coming if he can't handle the truth that's HIS prob;em not yours.Take care.

Original poster

mistressmiggins · 24/02/2006 23:15

just to say that Im NOT going to change my name and that tonight I finally said a few things to him....and ended up asking him to come back.
I needed to do this for me.
He refused (although STILL didnt shut the door "I dont want to do that at this moment in time - coming back to you & the children would be a step backwards")

well thats probably the kick up the backside I needed to get me out of this hole Ive fallen into

whatever he thinks, MN has never said "do this, dont do that" - you just listen & answer questions / give honest views

I needed to work this out by myself with the knowledge that others have been there/bought the T-shirt and survived

still not sure I will have complete freedom of speech cos wondering if hes reading BUT I have never said anything I didnt mean on here and dont regret a thing....apart from letting him know my MN id....

c'est la vie

OP posts:

Greensleeves · 25/02/2006 00:06

Oh, Miggins . You are going through a horrendously hurtful and difficult time with such incredible grace and courage. I admire you (and sympathise with you). I agree with your decision not to change your name. There would be no point - and (unless I am just much sadder than everyone else!) your identity on MN, as chosen by yourself, is a little part of your self-image which is positive and which you should not have to give up. Sod him. He's had his chance.

Now I'm not given to this soppy stuff Keep your chin up!

expatinscotland · 25/02/2006 00:13

I dont want to do that at this moment in time - coming back to you & the children would be a step backwards")

I'm utterly gobsmacked that anyone would even think that about living w/their own children whom they created. I truly am, even as a woman who was once suicidal w/PND, I cannot imagine seeing my children like that.

Greensleeves · 25/02/2006 00:16

Well said Expat - it's a world away from a real parent, depressed or otherwise. He is scum

quanglewangle · 25/02/2006 00:20

Good, glad you feel you can keep it. It is such a lovely name.

UCM · 25/02/2006 01:16

I have sort of followed this thread and I applaud you MM for doing this. Only you & you alone will know whats right at the time. Whatever you do. I will support you. It's all very well chatting it over with mates but in reality it's very very hard. So well done you for being honest. Maybe you will get back and I sincerely hope it works, maybe you won't and I sincerely hope you find peace in your life. Whatever happens, I have been at the place you are at right now and it's soul destroying. Do I do it, don't I? Good luck. You have the best sounding board in the world...UCM

UCM · 25/02/2006 01:17

Sorry I didn't meant I was the best sounding board, I meant Mumsnet

UCM · 25/02/2006 01:22

Just wanted to add, the best friend was the one who accepted what was going on without a word. She let me play it through until it ran it's course. She let me cry rant rave etc. In the end I worked out what was best for me. I truly appreciated that.

Original poster

mistressmiggins · 25/02/2006 08:07

Greensleeves - you are right about my name - I love Blackadder and can (sadly) quote all episodes which is why I chose the name.
Why should I lose that as well?
I know "whats in a name" but to be honest, if hes going to look, he'll work out who I am from things I say

the most annoying thing is that I lied to you all yesterday - the reason he came on MN was cos he was sitting in his hotel room thinking of ME - thats why Im so confused - when he says things like that.

you're all right though - who would think coming back to their kids was a step backwards - or maybe he just doesnt have the balls to say he doesnt want me.

I have decided that somehow Im going to not speak to him for a month.
My parents have already suggested that maybe the handoever at weekends is too much for me and maybe they're right.

people say that after a breakup you should cut contact for 60 days which is impossible with kids but maybe not with my family living so near....

I did cry myself to sleep again last night but am determined that I will no longer be in this hole that Ive allowed myself to fall into

OP posts:

gigglinggoblin · 25/02/2006 08:22

i never see my ex, all handovers are done thru his parents so no reason why you cant do it thru friends/family if you want. good luck, i think a break will probably help you clear your head. you only need someone who will stand at the door and take the kids when he comes round, it is do-able. we have been doing it this way for the last 4 years or so - his parents wont let him come (anyone would think they didnt trust him or something)

P0SSUM · 25/02/2006 08:26

did he read the post you wrote about him never being able to make you orgasm?

getbakainyourjimjams · 25/02/2006 08:32

God he must be paying a fortune if he's reading from a hotel bedroom.

He's a bit of a bully isn't he? I went out with someone like him once, after we split up he would do all that "been thinking about you" stuff and had me dangling for a about a year. I'd leave, but then he would do all that type of stufff and then once I went back say "oh no I don't want you". From the outside I looked like a right bunny boiler, but no-one saw what he was doing.

Anyway in the end enough was enough and I cut the ties. He went ballistic, the little control game he'd been playing was finished. Funnily enough we're still vaguely in contact, but I always feel as if I'm the one with more control now (and actually with that distance he's a nice enough bloke iyswim).

Refuse to play ball MrsM. See him for the pathetic excuse that he is. He'll soon stop when he sees he can't get to you.

spacecadet · 25/02/2006 08:33

MM-if i didnt know any better, i would say he was playing mind games with you, its like hes testing the water to see if you would take him back.
you are worth better than that, look at it like this, takinghim back would be like taking a step backwards for you after everything hes done to you, dont let him control you anymore, you can do it.
I was going to email you but cant remember which email addy is yours on my list!!!, if you want to talk, dont hesitate to email me at ezzywezzy at msn dot com

talkinghorse · 25/02/2006 09:14

I think the taking back/coming back scenario is a long way away if at all. He as dscoverd the reality and will sometimes be wdnering 'what if'

LIfe is not as easy ad comfortable as it was before when he was at home.

One day you may both decide that it is right for you..then you talk to Skykes who handled it perfectly. IMO, if he ever wanteed to come back then he would have to ask, and ask not knowing if you woudl say yes or no. He needs to have his heart in his mouth.

Not just be thinking of you while he was lonelyin a hotel room.!

Until then, carryon the way yo are, get someone else to do the contact stuff

welshboris · 25/02/2006 09:32

Im so sorry for you chick, knowing he has been reading your inner thoughts must be like a kick in the stomach, but maybe this shitty little incident has been the wake up call you need.

Im glad he said no, as shit as it feels now, all the tears you cry will all be worth it in a few months. I promise you.

And no, seeing him at weekends is no good, it will be best if you change that arrangement. The hours leading up to it are the hardest in the world, dreading seeing him yet looking forward to a few brief moments. Then the anguish when youre left alone.

Massive vritual hugs to you sweet, Im following your story from afar, and hope it all starts getting a little easier soon x x

madmarchhare · 25/02/2006 09:39

I feel the need to use the C word here .

Plain and simple, he doesnt like it because you are gaining control again and that MNers opinion are generally right in matters like this.

F C.

barmybird · 25/02/2006 10:11

Morning MM. Sorry you were down last night! I hope it wasn't anything to do with our night out!!
Just wanted to say, although I know you are having a bad time at the moment, you ARE doing so well. You're kids are a credit to you, as is your behaviour all through this situation. You are picking yourself up and making plans for your future life, looking forward- not back. As I said last night his behaviour recently makes me suspect that all is not hunky dory in mistress land!! Speaking from experience as someone who has been here before reality is far removed from the excitement of stolen moments. He has lost out, what goes around comes around and somewhere out there there is a happy and contented future for you and the kids. Just keep heading towards that.

mcmum · 25/02/2006 10:25

mm, agree with barmybird, dont let him and things get you down - change your name - good luck

moondog · 05/03/2006 15:54

Bit late I know,but saw this when trying to find out how things are with you MM.

What a Grade A twat!!

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