Mum always angry with me.. am 36!

[moulesvinrouge]

Since I can remember, my mum has had the foulest temper and I worry so much I am going to go the same way. My parents got divorced when I was 7 and my father didn't want to stay in touch with me. My mum is so angry and used to hit me up until I was 14 or 15. Now she gets so angry at me for any perceived slight, such as her forgetting I was going on holiday and being angry at me for not phoning her. Today I had her screaming on the phone that I am never to call her again. She is angry at the world and vile about people for no reason. That said she can be lovely at times and is my only family. How do I deal with this, make our relationship work properly and not turn out bitter at the world like her?

Take her at her word; don't call her again and if she screams down the phone at you, hang up - and keep hanging up if necessary.

Treat her like the tantrumming 2yo she is; ignore bad behaviour and reward good behaviour with words of praise and encouragement.

If you view life as a fascinating adventure, a journey of self-discovery through enriching experiences, you won't become embittered at the world.

Thanks Izzy. I think I worry that because she is all the blood family I have she would never get it contact again. i can count the times she has called me in the last ten years on one hand.

Tbh I would distance yourself from her, have some counselling for yourself to try to get a different perspective on it and try to come to terms with the fact that you may never have a close relationship with her.

Thats good advice, thank you. The sad thing is in a weird way we are very close because she brought me up single handedly, and I am an only child, but she has such a rage anyway it all comes out at me. She once confessed her anger finished her marriage. If I don't pay enough attention she is truly awful, and yet then I feel guilty for ignoring her as she is left all alone. My husband finds her anger really hard to deal with but on some level I've just come to accept it. I have to get a grip don't I?

You dont owe her anything. Blood or not, she has anger problems that she needs to get sorted out, and they are her problems not yours. Tell her that she either does something about it, or you will be distancing yourself from her.

Have you had any further contact with your father since you were a child? If not, I would actually wonder if she was telling you the truth.

Yes op I think you need to find your voice and lay down some basic ground rules even if they only exist in your head as to what you will tolerate before you walk away from her, don't let this damage your relationship with your Dh, of course he would find it hard to watch, he presumably loves you and can see this isn't healthy. I have a turbulent relationship with my father who for some reason seems pissed off with the world and although I love him I've come to realise I don't respect him very much any more and have had to emotionally distance myself from him so that he doesn't squash my self esteem completely!

Odds are, your father couldn't cope with contact with her, not you. Can you blame him?

True. I think I feel so bad because she has had a hard life and is now very lonely, but I find myself making excuses for her. And more than that I don't want to be like that but I find I get cross over silky things. And without any family at all I feel alone myself, which is ridiculous in my mid 30s.

Silly not silky! I am not cross at pants

There are are a couple of options available.

1. Stand up for yourself. Protest. Put the phone down. Say her comments on subject not welcome.

1. Distance yourself. Phone her once a week, once a month, once every couple of months. See her less.

1. Completely disengage.

I think it depends how toxic the relationship is. 1 & 2 can work together. 3 is a possibility is she is really making your life a misery.

p.s. Its better to be "alone" than with people who are trying to destroy you, whoever they are or however they are related to you. And though it may be difficult to start with, because of feeling unsafe and lacking in confidence, you can start to make things better (think Hey Jude, the Beatles)

Reading your post OP is like reading about my mother, same situation with father too.

Just over a week ago I had a very similar argument with her. I haven't spoken to her since and it been a bit of a relief tbh.

I haven't cut her off completely because I feel guilty about it and understand her bitterness and loneliness. I've come to the point where I'm not going to react to it anymore. I will probably call her over the weekend but if she starts with the shouting and insults I'll hang up and try again a few days later.

As Izzy said, only reward with good behaviour and don't engage with the bad behaviour. By the way I'm 31!

moulesvinrouge,

You grew up with an violent abusive parent. Many children now adults who were and remain the victims of such toxic parenting have FOG - fear, obligation, guilt.
It leaves a damaging legacy but you won't end up like her because you know this is wrong. Toxic stuff like this can seep down the generations but it can stop with you.

What do you know about your mother's childhood; chances are it was also abusive. Many people have crap childhoods but choose also not to hit their children. There can be no justification for what she did and chooses still to do.

It is okay not to seek her approval any more. This woman will never be the mother you want her to be and you did not make her this way (her own birth family did that damage).

Your mother's foul temper is her responsibility; it was grossly unfair to make you the scapegoat for all her inherent ills.

Take her at her word; you do not need such a toxic prescence in your life bringing you down at every given opportunity. You would not tolerate this from a friend, family is truly no different in that regard.

Would suggest you look at the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread and read "Toxic parents" written by Susan Forward. A website called Out of the FOG may help you as well as counselling.

You have an abusive mother. I am so sad for you that you grew up being hit and shouted at. Even more confusing for a child when it is their mother, their sole support, someone who is nice some of the time, and then at other times turns on you. Horrible. You never deserved such treatment.

She is unhappy (for her own reasons), and has spend 36 years taking it out on you. That's not ok.

You can stand up for yourself. You can say no to any treatment that makes you feel bad. Whatever her reasons are for behaving as she does, they are not an excuse for hurting her child (or any other person). Her issues are hers to solve. Your only responsibility is to take care of yourself - no-one else is going to. So start asking for the behaviour you need, and saying no to the behaviour that you can't accept. You are more than entitled to do so.

Plenty of links to books and websites that could help you at the start of the Stately Homes thread, by the way.

Did she have a hard life, or has she made life hard/harder for herself?
There are consequences for our actions.

In some ways she did have a hard life, she lost some people closest to her in terrible ways. And she can be so thoughtful, and funny, that i feel awful for not bring the daughter she wants me to be. But I work 14 hr days in a job I love and just can't call for half an hour a day, to never be asked a question about myself other than what I've seen on tv. I don't even watch tv!
My poor husband has to try and get in the middle and I just never want to visit again when I feel like this, but I know I will.

MVR

re your comments:-
"In some ways she did have a hard life, she lost some people closest to her in terrible ways".

Yes but that's still no excuse for the violence she meted out to you as a child and her anger towards you now.

"And she can be so thoughtful, and funny, that i feel awful for not bring the daughter she wants me to be"

Turn that mindset around, she is not the mother you want her to be. Abusers are not nasty all the time; they can do nice/nasty very well but its a continuous cycle which has continued between her and you to this day. I doubt very much that she is actually very thoughtful and funny, that may be you trying desparately to put a positive spin on things.

Would certainly seek some counselling for yourself to discuss your abusive relationship with your mother, BACP are good and do not cost the earth. Do read the stately homes thread as well.

But some things she does seem really genuine, like making my favourite cake or picking up things I might like. How do I tell if it is genuine? I've always been a bad judge of character so o have no idea if it is genuine affection or manipulation. It's so confusing.

In common with millions of others, I've lost people close to me in terrible ways.

Overall, I consider these experiences have made me more compassionate and more tolerant of the human condition than I may have been if my life had been been continually charmed.

Life is far too short to sweat the small stuff, honey. Get yourself some counselling to deal with your anger over pants silly things before you begin to feel that you're turning into mommie dearest.

Izzy that made me laugh as in good times I tease her that's what she's like. I think I'm less cross and more anxious, all my friends say I am incredibly hard on myself and cannot relax. I can't remember the last time I wasn't anxious

I think being anxious goes hand in hand with growing up with an abusive parent.

I experienced constant fear of my mother during my childhood. Even the times she was ok to me, I was afraid waiting for her to turn again. So I grew up anxious and afraid. It sounds as though you experienced a similar sort of thing through your childhood.

I've had some counslling before, to work out why I seemed incapable of leaving a violent partner, and this relationship came up a fair amount. How do I accept that I am not always in the wrong?

Give up on the hope that she can become the mother you want antd that you deserved, and stop thinking that you can "make our relationship work properly". You can't, with such a person.

How do I accept that I am not always in the wrong?

I suspect that this may come when you re-assign responsibility properly regarding the way your mother treated you as a child, and the way she treats you now. You were never responsible for her behaviour. There is nothing you could have done then to make her treat you better, and there is nothing you can do now to make her treat you better. You did not make her this way. You cannot fix her. It's not your responsibility, and it was never your fault.

My mum is very similar and you have my sympathies.

I don't think it makes sense to say that abusers are just horrible people with no good points as some are saying. My mum can be genuinely lovely and I don't think she's just evilly plotting how she can next be horrible to me. I think she is a genuinely fucked up and sad person who doesn't know how to deal with her anger so takes it out on me.

That doesn't make it ok and she now knows not to, because when she starts, I ignore her/hang up/tell her she's being a dick. It's amazing how quickly she crumbles when faced with hard reason.

It has massively affected me, however. Therapy is really helping me a lot.