Don't cope very well with not being likef

[scottishhaggis]

Lots and lots of recent changes in my life (see other thread for full details)

I don't cope very well when people don't like me......for instance, take me off Facebook etc.

My DS Dad's ex took me off FB.....stuff like this upsets me, always has done.

Anyone else similar and any tips on how not to give a f**k?

I know it's really minor in comparison to some things but it's something that really affects my life and I'd be so grateful for any tips.

I know I need to build my self esteem

I have just been told that my ds1's girlfriend is scared of me!

I have been told before that i am 'forthright' and 'not to be messed with' (by wimpy other mums - wimpy with disciplining their bratty kids.)

I think i'm lovely.

Is there a secret to not caring what people think?

I'm a good, nice person......sometimes I'm a bit of a PITA. I'm sure.......going through some anxiety at the mo but always cared too much what others think!!

Meh

Need some kicks up the ass!!!!!

I found therapy was the only thing that worked for me. You got money to go private for a few sessions? Mine is £40 an hour but that's in London.

How old are you? Think stuff like this gets easier with age if you're willing to work on it.

I wouldn't worry about your DS dad taking you off facebook, better to have not been on there anyway and maybe he as a new girlfriend that is a bit insecure and doesn't like you there???? That's how I'd read that particular case.

It sounds really cheesey, but you have to learn to love yourself, then it doesn't matter what other people think of you.
Counselling is probably a good idea, it might help you work out why you have low self esteem.

It helps a lot to accept that very few people are liked by everybody.

And if you ARE liked by everybody, it's possible that you're a people-pleaser, bending over backwards to accommodate others so that they'll like you. Which is not a good thing.

It's normal and probably healthy to not get on with every single person you meet.

At the same time, it's possible to interpret people not liking you when they're just doing their own thing and their behaviour is not related to you at all. For example, I know a couple of very moody people. For a while, I thought I'd done something to offend them, then it turns out, most other people think they're moody too.

Can you give any more examples apart from the defriending incident? I think ex-partners are in a category of their own when it comes to defriending so perhaps not the most common incident you are referring to?

It also helps to think that while it's not pleasant being disliked by someone, it's not the end of the world and it won't kill you.

I say all this because I used to worry much more about this in the past. Have since read a few books on the subject which gave me a lot of perspective.

I'm going to shove myself into councilling for a bit, £40 in London is rather good, did you get them off the relate site yellow or was it a recommendation. I went to a lovely one a few years ago but she's left and it's time to go revisit I think.

Sorry for hijack OP

MissFaversham, you can search the BACP site for counsellors in your area here:
www.itsgoodtotalk.org.uk/therapists/
Or your GP should be able to suggest good local ones (or even refer you for NHS treatment if you're suitable) :)

Thank you so much guys.

I'm on a steep learning curve at the moment. I am seeing a counsellor and on the waiting list for group and individual therapy.

It's a lifelong worry of mine, worrying what people think. I am actually slightly better than I used to be. I can completely understand that to others it seems a fruitless exercise and I get incredible frustrated with myself at times and wasn't to give myself a good shake!!

I am learning to like myself more and have some absolutely brilliant friends who have been my strength.

It was my son's Dad's ex (mother of his oldest children) that removed me from Facebook. My son's Dad and I get on very well (generally lol) and they have a difficult relationship. Plus she has some personal
Difficulties at the moment and I think she's probably not comfortable with me seeing what she puts on Facebook. She has a bit of a reputation for being slightly volatile and I've been worried about confrontation eyc if we meet when dropping off or picking up kids in the future.

I know, I'm a bit of a wimp

MissFaversham found her on the BACP website. I can PM you her details if you like, she's really nice but obv might be in totally the wrong area.

Why would you even be friends with her on fb???

And, captainmummy, that will be my goal with any woman that comes close to DS. ;-)

Plus, yes, I can be scary.
Even yesterday, I separated two fights at DS's primary school EcoFair.
Dragon mum quickly put a stop to it and the kids ran off. :o
Not sure what any parents thought and don't particularly care.

Question: do you like everybody?

I wonder if this is something that you haven't learnt to do from childhood. I may be completely wrong here but I remember going through this stage with my dd when she was getting distressed when people/other children didn't like her and having to explain that in life in general there will be others that won't like you for no apparent reason but that it doesn't make you a bad or horrible person. Now she accepts this as the norm and is happy in herself.

It definitely has to do with low self-esteem and I've had issues myself with the dreaded Facebook thinking god aren't everyone on there having a great time and look how many friends they have versus I have hardly any. But you know as another op has said you don't know the issues other people have in their lives and maybe they are not that happy at all.

As others have said I hope you seek out some counselling I've had some myself and it definitely helps. I think I am a bit of a people pleaser too and I keep the peace at times with siblings.

Big ((((hugs))) to you I have been where you are..x

It might be social anxiety. Have you read much about that? It's a tendency to overly worry about other's opinions of you.

Counselling will definitely help so good luck, you don't need to live with it forever. It's just changing the way you look at things and examinging your thought patterns etc.

Find your inner child. Talk to that poor little girl, and tell her that you are there for her, and that she is a good person.

Getting your sense of self is what is the key to this.

Bear in mind that everyone has different attitudes/beliefs, experiences and personalities so it would be impossible to everyone to like you, if you were being true to yourself. Disagreeing with people or them not liking you is not always a valid reflection on you, it's always about them too.

same here, was only thinking tonight would love not to care so much what others think of me. I find it hard to move people into the meh whatever category. Also I am v socially awkward, so don't always get the hint quickly that people are trying to distance themselves . Did once have a counsellor who tried the inner child stuff, but I didn't find helpful tbh.

My counsellor has just started talking about my childhood with me and there is definitely some relevance to what I'm currently experiencing.

To be entirely honest, it does really help to see people saying why does it matter? I am trying to put things into perspective here.

I am worried about awkwardness when we see each other. It isn't specifically her to be honest, but she's the main focus at the moment.

I do suffer a bit from social anxiety. My sons Dad is only recently on the scene so lots of changes in a short space of time.

Is there anything I can say to myself, like a mantra.....to rid myself of these current thoughts......or is it just a case of telling myself again and again that it isn't important?

Thank you do much for teplying

scottish - something that helps with work etc type stuff is - in a years time, will I actually care about this?

Yes I think it's attaching a little less significance to these interactions really.

Most people would find it an unpleasant experience to hear someone didn't like them so please don't think you are unusual in that sense.

But with social anxiety, the importance of the rejection gets exaggerated, it can get out of perspective at times, leading to endless post-mortems in your own head about what's gone wrong, what's wrong with me and so on.

So it's a question of rationalising with yourself. Telling yourself yes it's not great but it's not the end of the world and other people still like me, these things happen to everyone from time to time.

Or thinking maybe that person has their own problems/agenda and that's why they're acting this way with me. It's not always down to something I've done.

Thank you again. In a years time, chances are.....I'm hoping......I'll be in a very different place, so hoping this will be a distant memory!! Fingers crossed!

The bit about rationalising also makes sense...it might not be about me, I'm just so used to thinking these sorts of things are.

Kinda hard to change my whole way of thinking, but I'm going to give it my best shot!!

I definitely lose perspective and do endless post-mortems!!! Exactly my oattern

It does take time to change to change long-standing habits like this.

The first step is to recognise when you're doing it. So even if you just initially become more aware of how you think when someone gives you negative vibes, it's still a very positive move.

I read a really good book on this, will try and find the name.