Don't cope very well with not being likef

[scottishhaggis]

Lots and lots of recent changes in my life (see other thread for full details)

I don't cope very well when people don't like me......for instance, take me off Facebook etc.

My DS Dad's ex took me off FB.....stuff like this upsets me, always has done.

Anyone else similar and any tips on how not to give a f**k?

It all bloody stems from childhood learning or teens unfortunately doesn't it I used to say what the hell do you keep harping on about that for. But patterns define themselves when things up there are being knitted together for a want of a technical term.

Finding who you are (and believe me Im not there yet even at 50) due to repeating crap patterns is a measure between your personality and experience. Cognitive therapy can unknit shit (another laymans term here)

We are a work in progess till the day we day huh.

Yes, yellow please pm me details, that would be very kind.

I'd be really interested in that book title ashes girl. Scottish, I am utterly like you describe. At the moment I have a friend who I have known for ages, we were close last year and I feel she has taken a huge stap back. I am aware she is a far more closed person than I and so am hugely resisting the urge to ask what I have 'done wrong' to make her do this, and trying to realise that maybe it's her, she perhaps opened up more than she's comfortable with and the withdrawal is all about that, and her, not me or because I'm not good enough.
Fwiw I think being a people pleaser def stems from childhood and relationships with the adults in your life then. I wish you luck in your journey, you sound ike a lovely person.

So agree with Ashes : It helps a lot to accept that very few people are liked by everybody.

And if you ARE liked by everybody, it's possible that you're a people-pleaser, bending over backwards to accommodate others so that they'll like you. Which is not a good thing.

It's normal and probably healthy to not get on with every single person you meet."

I think the main thing to remember is to be who you truly are, with love. You can still be aware/sensitive to other people too. But you don't have to like everyone and everyone like you. We all want to be liked perhaps because like is close to "love"? We all want to be loved, especially if there has been some lacking in that department. And its a good feeling. But respect is important too, and in the world respect can become to be as important, sometimes more important, than simply "liking" someone.

It's one of the biggest issues in my life tbh, along with my anxiety.

I have tended to be a people pleaser all my life and it's a habit I'm trying very hard to shift!

I'm trying to believe its more about her and what's going on in her life than it is about me.

Still hard to deal with though

Thank you for all your opinions and thoughts, very much appreciated xx

Miss Faversham, yes it can be to do with childhood experiences and also inheriting slightly unrealistic beliefs such as "you MUST be liked by everybody".

However some people believe it's also an overactive amygdala in the brain.

I have to say that I found a low dose anti-depressant enormously helpful, I gave much less of a damn on them. Some take them in the long term - they really help with social anxiety.

Whenthetoad, think that book was called Overcoming Social Anxiety but can't quite remember. If you search in amazon, you'll see a lot of books on this topic. :-)

Everyone on this thread has been giving wonderful advice.

It's not about you. Really, it isn't: people do things for their own reasons. If someone unfriends you, it doesn't mean that you are unlovable. It just means that that person chose to unfriend you, period.

You probably acquired the notion very early in life that you are unlovable (you aren't! You are very very lovable!), and anything that harkens to that deepset and possibly buried belief, like a Facebook defriending, cuts you to the core. Waaay more than a simple thing like a Facebook defriending warrants.

Therapy is a very wise choice - well done on organising that. It should help you get to the core of why you are so anxious about others' opinion of you, and from that place of understanding you will then be able to work on healing. Good luck!

Wise words, hotdamn, think you've hit the nail on the head.

I know im worrying way too much about the FB thing and I'm looking forward to getting rid of these thoughts at some point or at least making them less intense.

Bloody hard work, this is. Im still thinking a LOT about it today. I'm having my son for the weekend (he's currently in foster care due to my anxiety about his Dad coming into his life after no contact since birth) and I'm stressing about the fact I text his Dad earlier to see how he was (he's been poorly) and he hasn't text me back (been 4 hrs now)

Somebody shoot me now!!!

Thank you very much for your input everyone xxx

Ignore FB and your life will be much less dramatic and you won't have to worry about who is liking you or disliking you.

You're very right, FB is a PITA sometimes

I personally don't use it so don't have all that stuff to contend with. Much easier speaking to people in person, or phoning! :)

To be honest, I'm not sure FB is the problem. But think the culprit is the wider anxiety problems you're suffering. Are you being treated by your GP?

I agree with everything that has been said above ...

I also wanted to add from a different angle .. I just had a FB 'clearout' My STBX FIL had put a comment on Facebook that I decided I didn't want to see and so I deleted everyone who I had on there who were friends in common with my STBX husband including his family - a lot of these people I do actually like but I have reached the stage that I didn't want this connection to my ex still to be there (IYKWIM)

Anxiety is definitely the biggest problem yes, but part of that manifests itself in becoming exceptionally worried when people (specifically his Dad) don't text back or don't reply. I am being treated for anxiety and just started on a new medication and also suffering the slight symptoms of withdrawal from the old medication too. Plus his Dad is really poorly with flu like symptoms at the mo.

I am just generally finding it really hard to deal with him
Being back in his life.

Meh!!!

I agree, FB is evil sometimes!

"I know, I'm a bit of a wimp"

That sounds as though you are beating yourself up a bit. One thing that is really important if you want to improve your self-esteem is to have lots of positive affirmations about yourself. It's not a sin to care what other people think about you - it might mean that you are quite sensitive and considerate towards other people, for instance, which is not a bad thing.

I used to be incredibly shy and insecure with other people (especially authority figures) and would bend over backwards not to cause offence, to the extent that people would take advantage of it. I am learning to be more assertive and understanding that there are certain situations where I have to be tougher. Some people equate being sensitive and considerate with being 'weak' and I am learning to recognise those types of people.

"I'm having my son for the weekend (he's currently in foster care due to my anxiety about his Dad coming into his life after no contact since birth) and I'm stressing about the fact I text his Dad earlier to see how he was (he's been poorly) and he hasn't text me back (been 4 hrs now)"

That sounds very complicated indeed - no wonder you are feeling wobbly. I wouldn't care too much what your husband's ex thinks, though.

Self-esteem often links in with relationships we had with our parents when we were very young. If we were lucky enough to have two fully mature, responsible, caring, loving parents who set appropriate boundaries then we are likely to grow up with a reasonable sense of self esteem.

Many of us were not so lucky. But that doesn't mean you can't develop a stronger sense of self-esteem. Counselling can help as can workshops/books/good friends. Sounds like counselling might be useful for you?

I remember being told once that out of every ten people you meet there will be one person you get on well with/has the potential to be a good friend, one will not like you (for their own reasons and nothing to do with you) and the other 8 will be acquaintances of various types and levels of friendship.

So when I meet someone who sets off my anxiety I think of them as my 1 not-liker and look for the other nine.

Something else that helps me is to have a rich internal life. I read a lot, write, spend a lot of time sunk in thought. I do projects, learn new hobbies (knitting didn't last long but I stuck it out to make a blanket). They give me something else to focus on, a bit of a challenge and allow me to complete something which gives me a lift and some confidence. I am very comfortable on my own and with my own company.

Another thing I do is if I send an email or a text is to set myself a time period before I check again. If I need an instant answer I phone, but if I text I assume people won't reply within 6-8 hours (even if in the past they have replied quickly) and I don't check my phone again unless I hear the message tone.

Agree, R2, having a rich internal life helps.

Also, what if everyone "likes" you but to achieve that you have had to give up your self-respect in the process e.g. be a doormat.

In that scenario, you are liked but have no self-respect . Just something I was contemplating ...

Some absolutely brilliant advice everyone, thank you

I beat myself up way too much and care way too much what others think of me, ALWAYS have done!! I am starting to get the help I need and awaiting therapy etc

I dwell in things too much. His Dad disciplined him properly for the first time and is a lot firmer than me, would never hit him etc but it's hard to get used to someone else disciplining him. His Dad tasked a very no nonsense approach to everything and is generally pretty chilled but will be firm when disciplining him (this was done at a contact we had with my son where we took him out for his dinner)

Again, I have been worried about that and thinking how will I handle that when he's home and having regular over ugly contact with his Dad (which will be worked up to)

We've agreed that he will be disciplined my way when he's with me and his Dad's way when he's with him. The only difference being is he prob gets away with more when he's with me. Generally, we're pretty similar in most respects concerning discipline so it shouldn't be too much of a problem......fingers crossed lol!

Within 5 mins of his Dad telling him off, they were fine and laughing and joking again, whereas it's stayed with me as I'm emotional and a worrier. I know I'll get used to it in time and it will mean less to me, it's just cos it's quite new.

It really helps to get it all out so thank you so much to anyone that's read and offered advice, means a LOT XXXX

I must stress that his Dad was firm, perhaps harsher than I would've been and I pointed this out. We def have common ground but I doubt there are many parents who agree entirely and discipline in exactly the same manner all the time.

His Dad does tell me a lot what an excellent job I've done with him.

It's all new, so wr're finding our feet.

I worry too much about what happens when my son comes home etc but his Dad and I have agreed that we will always talk about any issues that arise etc.

And breathe.........

Sorry, lots to get out tonight

He is a good Dad, which I guess is the most important thing.

Aaaarrrrrgh Men! [blush lol