Should i press charges against my dad who sexually abused me?

[ALMOSTSORTED]

When i was 11yrs old my dad started to abuse me sexually,this continuedtil i was 17 and stopped believing it was my fault(he always told me it was my fault and that he couldnt help himself,he was going to kill himself,that mum would crack up if she knew and i would end up in a kids home)and told him i would tell mum or kill him.At this point he started yelling that he would deny it no one would believe me.But he never touched me again.
I didnt tell anyone though apart from a friend and the man who became my husband,and i wouldnt let them say anything either.
I had 2 kids and was super protective of them,he never got near them,but one day i met my cousin in the street and she looked just like me when the abuse started,same age it brought it all back.
I cracked and told my mum...she screamed that i was a liar.But my dad admitted it,well he said hed done it once because "he was angry".Iput mum straight and my dad moved out.BUT SHE LET HIM MOVE BACK IN 3 WKS LATER.
This all happened 7 yrs ago,i tried to forgive my mum and behave normally but itsd eating me up inside.I feel like nothing happened to my dad,i ended up in counselling on anti depressants and with 3 suicide attempts under my belt and he just carries on with life.
Sorry this is so long

almostsorted...I dont know if you should press charges only you can answer that. I just wanted to reply as your story is very similair to mine. Although my revealing it all to my mum only happened 2 yrs ago and I am still going through the turmoil and after effects of losing family. I only did this because I had my son and didnt want him to be around someone who was a potential abuser. I know my mum is still with my stepdad[was the only dad I knew] but we mantain a taught relationship where she basically doesnt acknowledge his existence or the fact I revealed about the abuse. I only continue to see her for the sake of my 2 children but she is never alone with them as I dont trust her.

If you feel you will get peace of mind by pressing charges then do, you deserve some.

No experience of this, but didn't want to leave you unanswered. From the point of view of him deserving punishment and being prevented from harming others I would unreservedly say yes. However there is also the question of your emotional well being. I imagine that if you go down the legal route, this may be very difficult for you to go through emotionally. E.g. what happens if for whatever reason CPS decide not to prosecute, or he wasn't found guilty, and if you are still in touch with your family, then it's likely to cause problems/hostility, particularly given your mother's behaviour. Also I imagine you would need to be very well supported through the process of "reconstructing" the past for the purposes of court case/police action.

I would have thought speaking to an organisation like Rape Crisis might help you decide what to do next.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

My advice would be to talk it over with a counsellor. Your GP will refer you. A counsellor will know what the possible pitfalls of prosecution might be and so you will get some good advice.

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Perhpas you do need to go to counselling and talk through the whole matter. You may find that by doing this you can find some sort of peace. YOu may find that you need to pres charges.

This is now all about you getting your life back and letting your angr towards him go. That does not mean you have to have a relationship with him.

Thanks for the support ladies.I have seen endless counsellers on and off for the last 20yrs.My parents dont see many family members and they dont like me talking to any of them,i think they are scared of what i will say.I do worry about going to the police,my mum has rewritten history in her head,lots of stuff happened because i was"difficult".My dad used to beat my brother and i,he used a bamboo stick cut in half lengthways as "leaves better welts" i used to go to school covered in bruises and welts and teachers always believed my parents who said i was clumsy.Will the police be any better?My mum likes to pretend we were a normal family and although she knows what happened i think in front of others she will go into complete denial and im not sure i can cope with that

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Sometimes stiring the past is worse than leave it behind. But I understand your reasons, and understand how you feel about your mother, it's a betrayal on her part but she may be going through her own personal turmoil as well.

I see that your counselling was not particularly effective, but probably you may benefit from having a different counselour or a longer course of counselling. I would not go ahead with accussations, pressing charges, etc. until you have come to terms with it, otherwise it could be extremely painful and self destroying. Do it if you think you have to do it, but please wait until you are ready.
HTH

Oops, crossposteed! AS, do you think that stoping seeing your family for a while may help? sometimes is difficult to improve things when all old and new disapointing ocassions are brought back to your mind regularly.

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cod, would you think about the motivation of someone who reported a crime after say 2 days, or 3 weeks, or several hours? time does not diminish the harm that criminals cause, especially in cases of abuse where huge mental pressure is exerted by such manipulative people.

cod, your post makes it sound as though you are questioning someones motives for bringing charges after a long period of time. maybe i have misunderstood you. however, it is precisely that lack of understanding about the trauma associated with abuse that contributes to the difficulty in proving these offences as you have observed in your magistrates role. almostsorted i wish you all the luck in the world with what you decide to do. you sound a person of great courage and i am sure you will make the decision that is right for you. You sound concerned about the police believing you. all i can say is that the police have made tremendous strides in their handling of abuse cases (perhaps more than the the court system). i have heard other mumsnetters commenting on the sensitivity and support they received from the police and i would hope very much you would receive the same. best wishes.

I think the word motive is contentious tbh Closure is what AS is after not revenge.I agree he would probably crack under the pressure It is so sad that your mum doesn't get behind you What about your brother?

almost sorted.I hope you find the courage to make your father pay for what he did to you,but whatever you decide I wish you peace of mind.

My mother was abused from the age of 8 by her uncle.She lived without telling anyone until she was 60.She only told me because she wanted to make sure my father hadn't done anyhting to me.He didn't btw.

However she has lived with a guilty feeling for years unnecessarily.I wish she had had the courage you have.

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Cod isnt playing down the crimes commited, or questioning your motives, she sees cases like this all the time, and knows what shes talking about

She wouldnt want you to pour your hearts out, see your pain publicly broadcast then it to end badly for you

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I don't know how to change my name for this, so I won't. No-one in RL knows my name anyway.

I was abused by my father, as was 3 of my 4 sisters. The only one I knew about (and witnessed) was one of my older sisters. All through the years I never imagined anyone beleiving me, and I couldn't broach the sunject with my sister.. I was only 5 the first time I saw him touching her when he didn;t think I could see. As the years went on, she escaped to another country, and left me behind. It was only years and years later (on my wedding anniversary) that she called me.. we began chatting about him, and she asked me why I hated him... I told her I hated him for the same reason she should hate him.. she was devastated.. she said she thought I would be safe, as I was his favourite, the one he called "bright" and "clever". His years of torment put the brightness and cleverness out of me.
I give birth to a daughter, and after her birth I couldn'nt imagine a father doing that to his daughter, I sought counselling, and had counselling for 18months.. It came to the end when I could talk about it and feel no blame.. my counsellor asked me if I wanted to press charges...I discussed it with my sister (the only one to speak openly of any of this with her husband and mine) and she said she didn't think he would get a fair sentence, she said his age was again him and that it would kill our mother. She said our Mother idolised her own father and she wouldn't be able to live knowing she hadn't protected us... I have my own opinions on that one.
So, I didn;t press charges. I have nothing to do with him, never confronted him either, even thinking of him makes me ill.
I can understand why you feel the need to do something now, you are a mother, you can't imagine any parent doing those things to their own child.
I would urge you, to do the opposite of what I did.. if my mother had known and if I thought she wouldn't die of grief, I would do it now...
I am sending you every ounce of strength to get you through the next few days of making this difficult decision xxxxxx

Believe me these people do not just do this to one person. It is a journey. A journey that starts usually with soft porn then moves on until they have the opportunity to abuse. Once they have finished with one person they will move onto another. Any child he comes into contact with is a potential victim. Cousins, nieces, neighbours children, grandchildren.

This will be a difficult journey to take but TBH the protection of other children would have to be my first concern.

I don't want to discourage you from talking to counsellors but I think they have a duty of care to tell the police if you reveal something of this nature to them.

It is such a big step to take but the Police will listen however long ago the abuse took place, and will act upon the information given.

Hope I haven't sounded too negative but really am concerned for other childrens safety and for your future mental health.

almostsorted...my utter empathies.
I was sexually abused for 8 years by my brother, he was 6 years older. When mum and dad found out they asked if it was true (my dsis told them as she had also been abused by him) - I said it was but that I didn't want to talk about it.
Then they just left it at that and carried on as if nothing had happened!! I told a few friends, and dh (dp at the time).
Shortly after that I became bulimic and was for 9 years, no one knew about the bulimia, not even my dh.
It all just came spilling out one day and since then I've stopped seeing my brother, had 2 years of counselling and am feeling great.
Had a setback recently and have gone back to counselling (a great support for me). My dsis went to the police, unbeknown to me!! I spoke to them about pressing charges and they said he would most likely get a community rehab order, and get put on the sex offenders register.
Whoopee-do-dar.
This really f**king makes my blood boil, after everything he's done to me it's like even the police tell me it doesn't really matter!

Sorry to rant! What I'm saying is ALWAYS make sure you're in a safe place - find a counsellor you feel comfortable with and talk any options over with them first.

Hope this helps and doesn't hinder x