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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

updated update with EA OH

34 replies

vanilla01 · 14/06/2012 14:18

hi guys,
hope you dont mind me rambling again, but it helps me cope by writing it all down and knowing you are all there to help me through. xx

so it all came to a head today, he came home early so we could talk "he had noticed that i wasnt myself" (like not jumping when he said jump etc)

so i started to tell him how i felt, that after years of being shouted at because the kids beds werent made, or the washing up hadnt been done or i hadnt done his bookwork properly or constantly being told what to do or what not to do has finally taken its toll, i told him i was exhausted, a nervous wreck.

i asked him why he felt the need to shout at me and get so angry with me all the time and he replied if he didnt nothing would get done. (in fact he shouted his reply to me).

He said that the only thing for it is splitting up. i agreed. he said lets face it you dont come near me - and havent for a long time - which i replied do you blame me, would you sleep with someone that constantly belittles you.
i dont even like myself - let alone him!!

our "talk" got nowhere as everything i said about how i felt just got turned around to how he felt and how hard he works, and his expectations of how the house and kids should be is how he has been brought up! the bottom line is he doesnt understand the word partnership - its black and white - women in the house men out working and doing what they want.

he goes on a golfing holiday with his mates next week, so i mentioned why is that fair u go away - no kids - just a big jolly - his predictable reply was i work hard and i am entitled to go away once a year with my mates!!

so the bottom line is we are putting house on market and finally splitting. At least i will have a life of freedom to do exactly what i want.

xxx

OP posts:
Sunnywithachanceofshowers · 14/06/2012 14:19

Thanks for the update vanilla, hope you're feeling ok xx

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/06/2012 14:25

His reaction just kind of proves a point, I suppose. It's never productive to tell Victorian bullies how their behaviour makes you feel because, putting it bluntly, they don't give a shit how anyone else feels. It's all about them. Always is. Always will be. "Masters of the Me-Niverse!" I'm amazed that he even noticed you weren't yourself. Did you have a sign around your neck saying 'I'm pissed off'? (poor taste joke, sorry)

Hope you get a nice fat wedge out of the house sale.

vanilla01 · 14/06/2012 14:30

cogitoergosometimes: it was because i have been refusing to do the washing up after dinner, even havent been responding to his going into one with how messy the house is. ive just ignored him and gone to bed listening to him throwing the plates in the sink and loudly cleaning. it was great to listen to and taught me that when i dont jump he actually gets on with it himself and the the shouting is just a bullyboy tactic that up until now i have reacticed to.

OP posts:
ElephantsAndMiasmas · 14/06/2012 14:33

Oh Vanilla - I want to say how proud I am of you but it's probably inappropriate. But it is really powerful and strong that you have seen the pathetic little man behind the Wonderful fecking Wizard of Oz.

How are you feeling about it? What's the next step?

I wouldn't be surprised, by the way, if this is him bluffing "well if you don't want to be my perfect little doll housewife slave we just WON'T BE MARRIED ANY MORE, THAT'S ALL" and hoping to bend you back to your previous state.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/06/2012 14:34

Well... after you're gone, he'll either have to do all of this stuff for himself all of the time or hire staff to do it for him.

LemonBreeland · 14/06/2012 14:35

Vanilla I'm so pleased for you that you are going to be free of this awful bully. Your life will improve massively.

MissFaversham · 14/06/2012 14:36

I'm nodding furiously with cogito on this. You have had your answer. Get shot of him honey x

LemonBreeland · 14/06/2012 14:36

Elephants If you could like posts on here yours would have a big thumbs up from me.

vanilla01 · 14/06/2012 14:40

lemonbreeland - i was thinking the same xx

elephants - im suspecting he is bluffing too - but i am going to stand strong on this - (i am completely surprising myself by the way - i dont know where this new strong me is coming from!!), seriously tho i am exhausted mentally and physically - and need an end. xx

OP posts:
lisaro · 14/06/2012 14:42

You're both in for a very big shock. You because you won't believe how much happier and more relaxed you are, and him because he'll have no one to put up with him run round after him and to shout at. I saw this with a friend of mine. It was hard making the decision but now her only regret is that she never did it sooner. Good luck to you.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 14/06/2012 14:50

Ah thanks Lemon! :)

I bet you could have knocked him down with a feather when he came out with his (presumed) trump card of "Well we'd better break up then, you never shag me and are awful" and you just said "Yup, guess so" and nodded sagely.

Wish there were some kind of sexist-arse test that men had to go through before moving in with a woman.

Inadeeptrance · 14/06/2012 14:56

Good for you Vanilla! I have no doubt that he thought you would just crumble at the mere thought of not having his splendour in your life and is about to be in for rather a rude awakening!

With that in mind though, be careful, once he realises that he's not getting to you he will likely change tack. Be aware it's all bullshit and that you are finally on the right road to freedom.

solidgoldbrass · 14/06/2012 15:53

Well done. Now take the next step and see a solicitor to make sure he doesn't rip you off financially - at least doing his books means you have access to information about his finances; make copies of everything and put them in a safe place.
Ignoring his criticisms and tantrums is a great idea, but do be on the watch for further escalation and if he does become physically aggressive, call the police immediately and press charges, it will serve him right. Best of luck.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 14/06/2012 16:13

How are the kids? Have they noticed any changes do you think?

Jux · 14/06/2012 17:10

Found you! Hooray for vanilla!!

Keep going, your life is going to be so unbelievably fantastic when you're free. Do be ready for some sort of escalation though, and as SGB said, press charges . Really.

Keep posting, it's so great to know how you're doing, and to be able to give support if necessary (hope it won't be).

Abitwobblynow · 14/06/2012 17:13

Are you married OP? Good luck.

lazarusb · 14/06/2012 17:19

As SGB said, take his week away to see a solicitor and get paperwork in order.
Glad you have had that conversation though, I think he won't realise the enormity and reality of it for a few days though. He sounds like an arrogant, entitled twat and you will feel so much better when you live apart from him. Good luck.

BerylStreep · 14/06/2012 17:30

Glad I found your thread. This sounds very encouraging. You need to see a solicitor though.

Twiggy71 · 14/06/2012 17:50

Just wanted to say good for you Vanilla, and honestly you will just love being without your p. You will be able to go to bed and leave the dishes (this was actually a liberating thing for me to do after I separated).

And not be on your guard all the time waiting for the next blow up over nothing to come.
You will be FREE FREE FREE and boy is that a good feeling..(even 3 1/2 years later).

bogeyface · 14/06/2012 21:03

See a solicitor and try to get as much in place as possible during the week he is away. If you are not married then you could end up with nothing, and a solicitor will help you protect yourself and the kids.

I agree about taking photocopies of the books etc to show his average income, as you may need it if he suddenly claims that he isnt making very much (a common tactic for maintenance avoidance).

Infact, if you have time, could you move out during that week or put his stuff out for him to leave? I wouldnt be kind about it, he has already proved that he is no friend to you, so why the hell should you be nice to him?

He has said that he will agree to a split and selling the house, but I wouldnt be surprised if there is excuse after excuse about why this cant happen just yet. He may well try to string it out in the hopes that you stay with him. If that happens then you may need to make the decision to move out or have him removed, otherwise this could go on for years, literally years.

Take care, and please do remember what I posted on your other thread about things escalating. Just because he is being Mr Reasonable (well, for him) now, doesnt mean that will continue. When a woman is leaving an abusive relationship, that is when she is in the most danger, so please do have an emergency exit plan in place, with paper work, clothes money etc stashed somewhere.

NettleTea · 14/06/2012 21:10

yeeehaaaaa!!!!!

this is very good news

Had been watching your other threads and this is just fantastic. I just imagined his big fat surprise when you agreed to splitting up!!!!!

Kernowgal · 14/06/2012 21:17

Good on you! You have plenty of support here so don't hesitate to come and brain dump when it all gets too much. x

SirSugar · 14/06/2012 21:21

My H used to go on fancy cricket hols every year. One year I said I wanted to go on a painting holiday in France - he shouted 'who the hell is going to look after DD?'

H's sudden and unexpected demise was an absolute relief for me; its always struck me as rather awful that I wasn't the least bit sorry he was gone; terrible really to feel like that about the one you are supposed to be in love/partnership with. The freedom was wonderful.

SirSugar · 14/06/2012 21:22

Should have said - the freedom is wonderful, my life is unrecognisable.

bogeyface · 14/06/2012 21:23

Wow Sir Sugar. That must have been such a strange time for you. I hope that you are so much happier now. xx

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