Do you find you get fed up and unable to tolerate so many people

[HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer]

As some of you know, I have had counselling for quite a long time. Before counselling I was very much a people-pleaser and would tolerate anything as long as it meant people would be my 'friend'. I have really laid down boundaries now and just will not tolerate being treated badly, but I find that so many people annoy me, I am unable to tolerate a lot of people and I have ended up relegating a lot of 'friends' to the role of acquaintance. And I just wondered if anyone else feels the same?

During the course of the counselling I did fall out with a few people who had just been completely taking the piss and didn't like the changes in me but I am finding it more and more easy to just phase people out when they treat me badly or do something I don't like.

For example, I've started seeing one person in a very different light for the past few weeks, someone I'd previously considered a friend, but I've found out she has been stirring a lot. She also makes comments with a sting in the tail, which I've really started to notice a lot, and is quite short with me on occasion, ie she takes her moods out on me. So I've decided not to tolerate that and have pulled away.

I've also taken the decision to 'ditch' my best friend from school, as she is very domineering and has also tried to boss me around a lot and got irate when I won't do as she says. I guess all my teen and adult life I just went along with her plans and did as she said (which wasn't always nice things, such as be horrible to others at school then she would deny knowledge and involvement), and now she doesn't like it that I won't. Reflecting on the past she has done a few horrible things too, such as really control me when we were at school, turned others against me and even when she got married she chose another friend as her bridesmaid and didn't even invite me to the wedding, yet still claims I'm her 'best friend'. So I've pulled away from her too. I've since got in contact with another schoolfriend that I almost felt I couldn't see as my 'best friend' and her fell out 5 years ago.

I guess the point of this thread is that I just find that there really aren't many people that I like these days. My sister gets on my nerves as she's always spoken to me badly, mums at the school that I used to consider friends I just find irritating. I have a friend who lives a couple of doors away and I feel in the past year I've seen her for what she is too, i've not fallen out with her but I just can't be bothered with her iykwim. I've probably only got about 5 people, including DH that I consider my inner circle and never think anything negative about.

My counsellor says it's because i've set lots of boundaries and it's good that I've discovered who I am, and I am happy with how things are, I just wonder if I'm some kind of intolerant oddball? Which is fine if I am

Also I just don't/can't seem to make any effort with anyone. I rarely comment on anyone's FB, or text anyone or make many plans. I just can't be bothered.

I've been a people pleaser and found that, with counselling, I started to respect my own boundaries a lot more. It's been a bit of an educational process for my mum, for example... I no longer react to emotional blackmail in the way that she wants. I don't think it's intolerance, I think it's about looking after yourself.

However, if you're not making any effort with anyone, are there other issues? (I mean apart from commenting on FB)

I am making some effort but it's only with a very select handful of people iykwim. For example I've just text my old schoolfriend that I'm back in contact with and we're meeting with our DCs next week and I can't wait. But when my neighbours suggested meeting up a couple of days ago I declined as I just can't be bothered.

I just find I'm very choosy about who I'm willing to spend time and effort with these days. There are probably only 5 or so people whose company I thoroughly enjoy and who I'd be there for anytime.

my mum is the same as yours and can't grasp how I don't respond to her emotional blackmail. I've laid down very firm boundaries with her now too and I can tell she is very uncertain about it all.

I have readjusted my view of SO MANY people since discovering that I don't have to be a people-pleaser. This includes two of my former best friends from childhood, who I have now realised are deliberately nasty and controlling (respectively). They are definitely now relegated to acquaintance level, and that's fine: I can deal with their behaviour as acquaintances. If they remained close relationships which I rely on for emotional support, then their behaviour would just be a source of pain for me. By keeping them at a distance, I can accept their behaviour without having to suffer from it.

Perhaps you still expect emotional closeness in all your relationships? See if viewing annoying types as being in the "outer circle" of your friends and relations helps to lessen your irritation with them. If you don't expect much from certain people, then they can't disappoint you, iyswim. Not everyone needs to be let in your inner circle or emotional closeness. Some can stay in the outer circle: still be in your life without having the power to hurt you.

Luckily, even though I have been ruthlessly clearing out those who don't fit my new standards, I have way more people in my life now than I ever did. Nature abhorrs a vacuum, I think, and the vacated space has been filled with new people, who are the considerate and respectful type. I think it's likely that over time you'll find new people who fit your new self-caring frame of mind!

Aww Hex, you're not an intolerant odd ball at all! Its just that through your counselling you have made some very positive changes in you and so you are now seeing these people for what they are worth. Good on you!

The trick is that now you have seen what your social circle is like, you need to decided what your future social circle is going to be like. So what sort of friends would you like in the future? Ones that don't take that piss? Ones that don't use you? Well the future is out there, go and find them .

There are probably only 5 or so people whose company I thoroughly enjoy and who I'd be there for anytime.

Does that seem too little to you? It sounds brilliant to me, especially if it's reciprocal.

But when my neighbours suggested meeting up a couple of days ago I declined as I just can't be bothered.

That sounds totally fine too. If you refused because you have decided this is not a relationship that will enhance your life, then more power to you. Be proud of yourself for not following your old people-pleasing patterns.

The only issue would be if you refused because of deepset social fears of still not being "good enough" for a meetup with your neighbour.

That's sort of what has started to happen, HotDAMN. Two of my very close friends are friends I've met since the counselling. I think that I tend to suss new people out fairly quickly now and whereas before I'd let them in my life as a friend, now unless they're decent I quickly decide they're only an acquaintance. I figure that they can always become a friend if they prove their worth in time.

I wouldn't say I'm expecting emotional closeness from lots of people now, I'd say more the opposite really. I find that lots of mums, for example at the school, want to chat to me and although I'm always happy to exchange small talk I find I want to keep them in my outer circle and not socialise with them. Does that make sense? I'm always polite and friendly but keep a bit of a distance.

I'm glad I'm not the only one that has ditched toxic schoolfriends. I found the counselling made me reflect on lots of aspects of my life and brought back many memories. Because I was such a people pleaser at school I did attract the wrong type of person, and my 'best' friend quickly latched onto this. She used to say and do some things that, looking back, were really quite unkind and mean, but as I used to take it she took advantage. I remember her once going out with a boy, we were about 15, and she effectively forced me into going out with his friend, who I didn't fancy in the slightest and she kept trying to force me to kiss him and was getting quite verbally aggressive and saying she wouldn't speak to me again if I didn't. That is one of the few occasions I said no to her and she didn't like it at all and didn't speak to me for weeks at school and turned others against me too. I can see that even now 18 years later she still has the same mentality that she had at school and tries to manipulate and control others. I know of a couple of people that have had to ease off on their friendships with her as they found her very full on and aggressive.

You are not alone, I'm doing the same thing by weeding out as many people as I can that either use me, abuse me or don't notice me. I saw my counsellor yesterday who told me I'm a 'peacemaker', so I've decided no more! I've actually found it very liberating.

The sad thing is some people I've been 'phasing out' the last few months have made no effort to contact me. So obviously I'm not important to them.

You're not intolerant (and there's nothing wrong with being an oddball)!

I have to say good for you Hex, really.

I'd say an inner circle of roughly 5 is how it should be.

Bit worried about you "not being bothered" though, but that might just be due to having to get rid of so much shit lately.

Awww thanks SoSad, I'm glad I'm not an oddball. So many seem to have big social lives and I was wondering if I was turning into a hermit as I just don't seem to have the interest in it these days.

Yes, I think you've summed up exactly what sort of friends I'd like in the future. I think I've just set my standards so much higher than in the past.

Nini, I found exactly the same thing; I phased people out and many didn't contact me. Some did and it did make me think more highly of them than I had been doing but generally people just sat on their laurels and let me do it.

Miss Faversham, I think the not being bothered is more with people I can't be bothered with iykwim. If it's someone I like a lot and who i consider a friend then I can be bothered but not if they're someone that I just have no time for. I also find that life is so hectic as I've just started working part time that I don't have the time I used to for friendships.

And thanks for the replies everyone, it's great to see other opinions and I'm glad I'm not the only one that has really benefitted from counselling :)

Good for you Hex. And for the record, my social circle is even smaller than yours at the moment. But of course that's cos I'm in the same process as you. Don't worry it will happen. Be the person you want to be, and you will atrract the sort of person you want to be friends with. And keep on refusing those who you don't want to be around. Protect you, you are important!

SoSad, that is so true. My counsellor is always saying the same thing, that protecting and caring for myself is the most important thing and that the right type of friend will respect that and I'll attract them.

How are you getting on with your counselling? Have you just started having sessions?

The new you sounds pretty cool to me. I can tolerate very few people, I dont have a problem with that. I just keep to my own bit of the planet and let do what annoying thing they are doing in theirs.

I'm the same as HotDAMN, i think. I have three people (including dp but not including family) who are there for emotional support, then maybe a dozen who i actively seek the company of for pleasure. Everyone else is "someone to have coffee with if we bump into each other" and to whom I owe nothing.

Otherwise I'd be stripped dry trying to solve the problems of the world...

I don't have issues with boundaries, but I think 5 inner circle sounds great, I have a handful of friends I'd do anything for and have been friends with for a long time, a couple of newer friends, and that's it. I think it's sensible not to have too heavy an emotional investment with people who are not your core friends, aquaintances and people to chit chat with at the school gates are nice too. I also think moving on from old friendships which really don't work anymore or don't let you be different is fine.

I thought you were going to say you had no friends left! If that was the case, or you could never make new friends due to your exacting standards, that would be a bit different, but this doesn't seem to be the case here.

I'm so glad that you are getting a lot out of your counselling Hex. I'm having counselling at the moment as well, and its progressing very well. Glad that your counsellor is reiterating these sort of messages to you.

This new cool you will not tolerate users and those who take advantage. And because you know what they look like, you know what to look out for when you are making those new friends well.

Just like you, I'm a people pleaser as well. Its the role that my rather dysfunctional family have put me into. I am meeting new people at the moment, but I'm having lots of fun sitting back a little and watching these people and then deciding whether these people are good enough for me .

Hexagonal wow, it's very interesting to read a post with someone who feels the very same way I do.

I have real trouble making actual friendships due to my past (bullied at 2 different schools and things I'd rather not go in to). I don't trust anyone 100% except for my two best friends who live abroad. I feel that I just can't open the door to let people in because I know they will hurt me eventually. And when I do get friendlier with people, if they do do something that hurts me I automatically shut down and detach, and tell myself "told you Chuff, who cares about them anyway?".

For me it's more of a self protection mechanism.

And I was very, very codependent before I had counselling. Now I'm in a completely different place and I'm able to see situations properly, like if my boss is being a dick because I haven't done "A" properly. Before I'd be like I'm the worst person ever my boss hates me everyone hates me omg. Now I'm more like oh well. I don't apologise for every teeny mistake or perceived slight.

I am the only person I am going to have to be with for the rest of my life so I'm very glad I learnt to love myself :).

also yes I find myself very critical of people around me, but again I think that's my brain kind of trying to protect me, in a warped way?

I wouldn't say I'm expecting emotional closeness from lots of people now, I'd say more the opposite really. I find that lots of mums, for example at the school, want to chat to me and although I'm always happy to exchange small talk I find I want to keep them in my outer circle and not socialise with them. Does that make sense? I'm always polite and friendly but keep a bit of a distance.

Could be that you're scared of being hurt. Could be that you've got enough to deal with right now, and don't have the emotional "give" to pursue anything with these people.

But really, it sounds as though you're healthy and happy, and just getting used to assessing people critically, and no longer going out of your way to please every single human being you meet. Go you, I say!

Sounds all fine to me. I have 2 good friends who I can offload to and discuss stuff in detail. A few who I can chat with at the school gate.
There are 3 or 4 with whom I would make plans for an evening. Another couple of families with whom we can go out as a family on days out etc occasionally (kids same ages and get along well and adults can enjoy lite chit chat together).
That's enough.
More than that, i don't have time for and can't be bothered. We really have to click for it to be worth making time for them. Made a new friend last year after 2 years of no new friends. My kids, dh, home, life mumsnet etc keep me busy. And looking for a new job now so social life is really on a back burner.

You sound just like me ( so it's obviously perfect!!)

I think it's a very brave thing you're doing and there's been pointsin my life when I've done this. Enough is enough. In my case I found it really hard to deal with people who expectd me to follow along with them esspecially where alcohol is concerned (although I do drink). Just know ing where to stop and go home and not be doing mad shit around you kids. The grown ups who are so selfish and are bringing their issues and addictions in front of their kids. Just cannot tolerate all that shit anymore....

I'm in my 40s now and I find I can't be arsed to waste time on people like I used to anymore. I used to be quite a people pleaser and wanted to be liked but now I couldn't give a monkeys if someone likes me or not. If I don't want to do something I am honest and say No, I'm too busy or whatever. I had one friend who I realised was a complete user. She would be my best friend if she needed me but when I needed anything she vanished. I have cut her off because I can't bear the pretense anymore.
I have my inner circle of friends and family who I love and will do anything for but I have weeded out the rubbish and my goodness it feels good not to have to pretend to like people or put up with anymore bullshit.
Its all about having the confidence to put yourself first.