DH wants more time with me (long ...sorry!)

[DaysieGoneBananas]

DHhas been a bit narky lately. I called him on it and it turns out he misses being with me on our own. He has decided that we need some time on our own once a month where the kids (5,4 and 22months) stay out all night at someone else house. Now I understand all the reasons that we should have time on our own but practically its not possible to have an overnight once a month.

My DM is retired (DF isn't) and from when she stopped working she has looked after my neice 3 days a week and my Grandad was with her alot of the time until he died last month. I don't like to ask her to babysit too often and the kids have stayed overnight only once when I was in hospital having DC3. I don't think its fair for them to have the kids that often but DH resents it because she looks after my sister's children alot more. I just think she deserves time to do what she wants .. after all she's not worked for about 5 years but had no time to herself in that time.

His solution is to 'send' them to his brother and his wife. They have just had a baby and she is BF. My 3 are not the easiest of children it has to be said and I just htink it might be expecting a bit much of them...although they did offer. (They also have DSD living with them but thats a HUGE other story please don't ask)

DH got annoyed with me because he said that I didn't think there was anything wrong with the situation (not true I do think we need some time but a meal out now and again would be enough not a whole night without them.) He says that he can't relax with just me because he' is always waiting for one of them to wake up and need us. I said that I wouldn't relax if they were at BIL as I would be waiting for a phonecall saying that they were playing up and not settling. (its a 15 minute drive to BIL house) I realise I sould like a control freak.

Am I wrong? should I expect someone to look after them overnight more often? Is a night out not enough?

i think you / he should book a couple of nights out. it will just have to be enough. that's the way life is!

no way can your sil have your kids. not with a tiny baby.

your mum can do whatever the hell she likes. she isn't answerable to your dh, although i do understand his resentment.

No. I would doubt that most couples get a whole child-free night as often as once a month.

No way would I expect my mum to do this for me.

I think YABU. It is important. And no, he is not being entitled. He'd like a night alone with you once in a while. I think it's really important too and we do do it sometimes (though not once a month). He's just trying to think how that could happen.

You don't need to impose but you could start with asking your parents just once. And maybe go away for the night too, to make it special. I'm sure this would go along way to making your dh feel like you are trying here. You could give your parents something nice in return, maybe pay for them to have a meal out at another time.

It sounds to me like you're making excuses and totally unwilling to make a compromise. It sounds like you don't want to let them go for the night. No, it doesn't need to be every month. But the thought that your parents could have them say, in June, and then dh's bro and his wife in August (when baby is older, if they are willing...).

PS. I think you have cleverly worded your OP to get people to side with you.

"Should I expect someone to look after them overnight more often?"

No, you shouldn't expect. But you could ASK, just ONCE. That's all your dh is really asking for I think. A bit of willingness.

Why not have someone come to your house and babysit whilst you and dh go out for the night???

i agree with merry, there's no harm in asking your mum for a one-off. then see how it goes.

Once a month just isn't workable for most busy families, but a night away just the two of you once or twice a year is not being unreasonable IMO

YANBU.

He has already abandon one child with you BIL & SIL, because he was not grownup to look after her. Now he wants his brother to look after your 3 children although a newborn baby.

It's about time he realises that it tough that he wants more time with you alone when there is no one to help out/babysit over night.

You and him are going to have to come up with ideas which don't involve going out over night so often.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
I've got 3 the oldest is 15 youngest 11 we've never had a night out on our own since middle child was born. If you can get someone once every few months you will be doing really well.

I cant beleive he thinks it's ok to leave your kids with a couple with a very young baby, and 2 others unless you are prepared to reciprocate.

I babysit my GodD once a fortnight overnight.

I love it and so do her parents

oh my god, what planet IS he on? Planet selfish arse i should say.

saying that i DO understand and feel his pain. We only have one DD at home but we don;'t have anyone to babysit so the most we can manage is the odd indian meal (maybe twice a year) and this only after about 9.30 when DD (throuh DPs softness) goes to bed and sleep :(

A whole night to ourselves with no demands or risk of children coming in? Oh god, i wish

It has not been good for our relationship.

Thank you for those quick responses...I'd love to go away for the night but unfortunately cashflow won't allow.

Merry It is not that i don't want to let them go for the night. I would LOVE to let them go for the night. I would love to feel like me and not just Mummy for one night and I think one night would be nice. It would be lovely not to have to get up at least three times in the night with one or more of the screaming meemies. I'm flattered you think I have the ability to think enough to cleverly word anything to get people to side with me.

Its a little awkward asking DM as she does suggest it then starts huffing and puffing about 'having to babysit' when it gets to the time. We were supposed to be going out this weekend and asked her to mind the DC but she forgot and she had to go to a party of a relative instead. THere was a reason she forgot its not like it was malicious but I think that put DH's nose out of joint a little more.

dropdeadfred DH doesn't want to come home to the children he wants an uninterrupted night once a month. I suggested someone coming and babysitting for a few hours now and again but he wanted overnight. Who knows why he'd only fall asleep!!

NatashaBee thats an interesting idea...I'd have to work something around nursery pick up times (Neice is at one across town from DS but pick up same time) but thats a very good thought..thanks!

Natasha yes you read correctly. She was the one who offered I told her she was too nice.

Why don't you give it a go?

See what happens the first time.

It might turn out not to be once a month, but you may actually enjoy it.
And return the favour, of course.

My mum/mil have my two overnight at least once a month or we get a babysitter for the evening. Time on your own is very important IMO but I understand that a lot of people don't have the support I am lucky to have.

I am of the opinion that if your children wake at night you cannot leave them at all. Its too much of a big ask. My parents are great and have ours every six weeks or so overnight but only from when DD2 was reliably sleeping through. Disturbing another adults night sleep (even GP) so you can have a jolly is way way too much to ask. Daytime yes. Night waking no.

My sentiments exactly kerala

Must say I was rather when a friend asked me to have her DC overnight and I was up twice in the night with her 4 year old who also wet the bed. Cant remember the last time either of mine have woken up at night so wasn't best pleased. Beyond the call of duty I think.

Exactly...when they are older and sleep through then I won't mind them going to Bol and SIl if they offer. But also I wouldn't presume to ask them (as opposed to them offering) unless it was a situation where leaving the dcs was inevitable.

BIL not Bol sorry predictive text.

I think kids are much more likely to wake up in the night when they are in a strange place (unless GP's come to their house). Mine always do, but it's brief and they go back to sleep after a quick cuddle. Dh and I rarely leave them overnight, but I know we both value the times we have. (And when we only had 1 kid, we did it a lot more often as it was less of an imposition. It was great for my ds's relationship with his GP's).

Sorry if I misjudged your levels of manipulation, Daysie. You do sound nice and more level headed than the original post. Didn't realise your Mum got huffy about babysitting. Would it be possible for your eldest to go to a friend for a sleepover and then just leave the younger 2?