DH wants more time with me (long ...sorry!)

[DaysieGoneBananas]

DHhas been a bit narky lately. I called him on it and it turns out he misses being with me on our own. He has decided that we need some time on our own once a month where the kids (5,4 and 22months) stay out all night at someone else house. Now I understand all the reasons that we should have time on our own but practically its not possible to have an overnight once a month.

My DM is retired (DF isn't) and from when she stopped working she has looked after my neice 3 days a week and my Grandad was with her alot of the time until he died last month. I don't like to ask her to babysit too often and the kids have stayed overnight only once when I was in hospital having DC3. I don't think its fair for them to have the kids that often but DH resents it because she looks after my sister's children alot more. I just think she deserves time to do what she wants .. after all she's not worked for about 5 years but had no time to herself in that time.

His solution is to 'send' them to his brother and his wife. They have just had a baby and she is BF. My 3 are not the easiest of children it has to be said and I just htink it might be expecting a bit much of them...although they did offer. (They also have DSD living with them but thats a HUGE other story please don't ask)

DH got annoyed with me because he said that I didn't think there was anything wrong with the situation (not true I do think we need some time but a meal out now and again would be enough not a whole night without them.) He says that he can't relax with just me because he' is always waiting for one of them to wake up and need us. I said that I wouldn't relax if they were at BIL as I would be waiting for a phonecall saying that they were playing up and not settling. (its a 15 minute drive to BIL house) I realise I sould like a control freak.

Am I wrong? should I expect someone to look after them overnight more often? Is a night out not enough?

How old is the stepdaughter?

Agree with wheredidiputit. Your husband has already farmed out one of his kids to live with bil, now he wants bil to look after the others too(I can see it's only for one night, but still...)

I didn't get the impression from the OP that he was farming out his kids. I'm sure the OP says BIL/SIL OFFERED. It's always easy to find reasons not to do something. Do it once - it may work out great.

We're lucky my M & D have our 3 every couple of weeks. As mentioned by some others it didn't work too well when they went to theirs so now they come and stay at ours and we stay out for the night. Yes I know we are V lucky.

I'm just gobsmacked that your DH thinks this is reasonable on any level at all. You have 3 kids - all still quite young, and they don't all sleep through. How is it fair to ask anyone to look after them just so you can have some "together time"? Fair enough if it were an important wedding or event - but just so your DH can feel like he doesn't have to share you? What entitled bollocks. He's a grown up with responsibilities - your SIL has more than enough on her plate and your DM is unwilling, so he just has to man up and accept those responsibilities.

Is your dh ever likely to repay the favour by looking after BIL & SIL's child(ren)? And by that I don't mean leave it all to you.

I think you would better off trying to work on getting the older kids to sleep through the night, if they're still waking up.

But then I don't really do 'together time'.

If you can't afford a night away, could you swap houses and go to DM's house whilst she stays at yours?

But yes, I broadly agree that overnight babysitting that involves getting up several times a night is a BIG favour and I wouldn't be that comfortable with it

Sorry for disappearing.
DM and DF (mostly DF) won't stay at our house. They don't feel comfortable doing that so I don't ask. I suggested it once and was met with a reaction where I thought I'd asked them if it was OK for them to mind the kids while I went out to an SandM wife swapping party with hubby rather than a meal out and a night without the kids.
The older kids don't really wake up that often now to be honest, its just lately they've been ill a fair bit one after the other so it seems as though they are always awake. DD2 wakes up but a pat on teh back and a cuddle she's fine and nods off again..usually but sometimes it can take a few hours for her to settle again. I truthfully have not had a full night's unbroken sleep in 6 years (which I'm sure alot of you will have the same experience)
and to answer the question how old DSD is .. she's almost 12.

We swapped overnight babysitting with my Dsis and BIL, about once a month, with 3 tiny kids. They were pretty hard work, but in return we had their two (much worse sleepers) back on a regular basis. It's not exactly an imposition if it's a swap, if you are prepared to have their baby back as soon as they're prepared to leave it.

random I've got that solution but it will take a while to impliment. My DSis and her hubby will have our three one night a month and we will have their 2. But as she has only just had the second one (about 6 weeks ago) it will be a couple of years before she's happy with leaving them like that.
We've had DSis's DD1 here before a few times and she has had the older 2 at hers once. It worked fine.

DM has offered to have the older 2 overnight but it still leaves little one at home so we are still not alone which is DH's argument.

I've told him to go out with his friends more if he needs time away from the kids but he says he needs time with me. I have no fears about him finding 'alone time' with anyone else I trust him in that way but I am a little scared that it could be eating at our marriage. I am making the effort to find a solution but I do have problems asking people for favours even when I'm stuggling.

sorry that sounded really self pitying ... didn't mean to just stating a fact.

Wanting adult time isn't a bad thing in itself, but your DH has to be realistic here.

An overnight once every so often is one thing, but expecting someone to have 3 kids once a month is ridiculous! It's far too much to ask, you are in the right and are being far more considerate than your DH.

Maybe you could do a swap with your B and SIL every couple of months or something, it's only fair to offer babysitting in return.

I don't think it's fair to ask your parents and I do think it will cause problems if you do.

He needs to grow the hell up. He wants that he can work the extra hours to pay for an overnight sitter or nanny.

"I am of the opinion that if your children wake at night you cannot leave them at all. Its too much of a big ask." I agree.

Is this about sex do you think? Sorry to be so blunt but sometimes I think some men put so much importance on resuming a 'normal' sex life - by which I mean one which is unlikely to be interrupted or a bit of a quickie incase the kids wake.

I don't think YABU at all given the circumstances.

No not about sex. We are absolutely fine in that respect. Back to pretty much full throttle nooky (without the days in bed doing nothing else obviously).
I think he's just fed up with me being Mummy first and wife second. When he talk to people he refers to me as 'my wife' not as Daysie, even to my DM. It doesn't seem to be a control/posession thing I think he just never thought he'd get a wife when he was younger that he reminds himself he has one ... very low self esteem.

Daysie, your dh sounds like he really values you as a person...

I'd pull all the stops out to try and get him just one night where it's the 2 of you and make it as special as possible. Perhaps the idea of your parents having the 3 kids for one night at the weekend, and you having DNiece during the week would work. Also encourage your dh that it's not long before you and your sis and your SIL's babies will be older and you can start swapping babysitting. I really think this is possible from 18 months or so.

I don't know whether you do this now, but could you also just get time at least twice a week where the 2 of you spend a couple of hours together in the evening doing something together. This could just be a good talk, or watching a movie, or even painting a room/ tidying up. But not where one of you is watching TV, the other is in and out doing bits and pieces and going on the internet (our house!) - doing something together and talking. My dh and I have started doing this and we specify that it's Sunday night and Wednesday night. It's uninterrupted time together. That could really help your dh feel like he is with you as a person and not as a Mum.

We do talk, watch stuff together. Although I think you might be on to something regarding specify a time.
Thanks merry really helpful ideas.

Do the kids all have to be babysat by the same person/people? Can you not kinda divide and conquer, send one to your DM, one to your SIL, and one to a friend.

I think working towards a reciprocal arrangement with Sil is a reasonable medium term plan.

If your dh is semaphoring distress I really don't think it's smart to respond with abuse and attitude like some posters on this thread.

Are your bigs in school? Could you get an ad hoc childminder for the youngest & have a day out with dh? Nice lunch out, dirty sex on the sofa and still time to shower before collecting dc from school, taking them to the park for ice cream & reflecting on what's good in your life.

Ooh, footprints, great idea! You're putting ideas in my head. My twins are in nursery from 9-12! That's a good 2hr window!

DH has been a bit narky lately Has he indeed, was he sulking?

You have 3 kids for god sake, they are also very little.

I'd tell him to grow up himself here as you don't need another one at the moment.

The reasonable thing to do would be to get a babysitter for a few hours and go out.

Absolutely..I'd have agreed wholeheartedly if he was suggesting a babysitter for a couple of hours but it was the fact it had to be overnight that wrongfooted me.
He was sulking a tad when I said it wasn't really practical ... He is a bit of a sulker I must admit which does drive me round the bend.
I'm just going to sit down with him and say ok not a whole night but a later than 9.30 babysitter. Compromise!
As for the day...eldest at school, middle at nursery. Next time has some hols I will suggest DM takes weeny one for the day and see if she can pick the others up til maybe 4pm ...great suggestion thanks.