You were right - I shouldn't have taken the sexually incontinent arsehole back.

[Rachyrachrach]

About a month ago I posted about the situation between myself and my husband.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1468345-I-nearly-did-something-really-stupid-part-of-me-wishes-I-had

Reading back through that thread I feel like such a complete idiot. I genuinely felt that we could get over his infidelity and make our marriage work. Hmmm, how stupid was I?!

On Monday night my youngest DS was very upset. He eventually told me that he'd seen some messages on husband's phone. So later on I asked H if I could look at his phone. He got very defensive "what do you want to see it for" "you've got no reason to look at my phone" etc. I reminded him about the agreement after last time that I could have free access to e-mails, texts etc and did he have something to hide (or course by this time I knew full well that he did). Eventually handed over his phone and lo and behold there are pages and pages (about 40 in total) of messages between him and some random woman he's been playing online fucking scrabble with! All talking about "kissing beautiful breasts" and "getting hard just thinking about you" etc etc. I know they've not met in real life but for me that's almost irrelevant. Surely this is not the behaviour of a man trying to repair his marriage?

So I've now done what I should have done in Feb - I've told him that we no longer have a relationship, that I want him to leave and that i'll be starting divorce proceedings ASAP.

Feel stupid and sad and well, like nothing really.

rach, I'm sorry it turned out like that but sounds like you've made the right decision. Hope littlest DS is ok. Good luck.

Well done for having the courage to end it. You are not useless or nothing, this is about his failings as a parent & partner not yours. Feeling sad...well, yes that sucks but it doesn't last forever. Be aware that you will probably wobble and be vulnerable to attempting reconciliation. He won't ever change for you, he's just shown you that so if you go back it would have to be on the understanding that his honeyd words meant squat and you will live like this for as long as he sticks around.

You should feel proud you made a hard decision for the best of your family. You can see that you & your children deserve love, respect and dignity. I would be furious my son was put in this position then furious my dh was a lying, serial philanderer. Keep going, it's much better on the other side.

don't give yourself a hard time, 4mths vs the rest of your life is a small price to pay.

good luck for you and your family - you'll be so much better without this 'man'

I think it's the effect on my son that I'm most angry about. Not only did he see stuff that no little boy should ever have to see, he's got this massive guilt thing going on and thinks that if he'd not said anything it would all be ok and that this is all his fault. I have of course reassured him that none of this is his fault and that he did the right thing telling me etc but I don't know how much is going in.

I won't be wavering and taking him back - that is absolutely not going to happen. As you say, he's proved that he'll never change and I won't live like that.

Sorry it's come to this but you are doing the right thing now . I did exactly the same as you but my husband didn't want to home back in the end but I would have done anything to have him back as it seemed the right thing to do. He too had an EA but I don't know how far it went.

at least you won't have any doubts now . I know that I did everything I could to try and fix my marriage and you have tried too. You can walk away with your head held high and move on.

Have you got copies of the messages to use in the divorce?

So sorry but as other posters say, at least now you are sure. As for your DS, I hope your STBX mans up and makes sure that he takes ALL the blame, very plainly in front of DS.

sc2987 - I have screenshots of all the messages saved. I'm not as daft as he clearly thinks I am!

Tell your DS you knew about the phone before he told you and that this is all between you and daddy, that nothing could have prevented what has happened from happening, that it is up to the grown ups to choose what they want for their relationship, that daddy chose one thing and mummy chose another, but that both of you love him and are still his parents and that that will not change.

Do you have a friend or family member that could reassure your little boy? I second Madame Ovary's suggestion that your h tells him, with you present, that this is all HIS fault and he accepts that.

Don't blame yourself for giving him a second chance, you gave it your best shot. Sorry he hasn't proved himself worthy of you. You deserve so much better.

Yes, don't blame yourself.
I'm all for second chances, at leas you know you have tried.

You must have so many emotions going round your head at the moment, I feel for you. It feels awful when your dp has been sexting like that it feels as bad as it does if they had met. He clearly has issues and I'm sure one day he will regret it. Now though you will be the strong one hugs to you and your son xxx as a divorcee myself let me know if can be any help x

Don't feel stupid. You tried to keep your family together. You gave him the chance to repair the damage he'd done and he completely blew it.

you did everything you needed to. He fucked this up don't forget that.

Now you have the chance to move forward knowing you tried your best but him being a wanker is something you can't be responsible for anymore.

It may sting a little now but you will get trough this.

So sorry to see this, such an awful situation.

I really feel for your ds. I told my mum about my dad's affair when I was about 7 or 8. The shit really hit the fan and I carried the guilt about it for years. It had a profound impact on me, and I can still see the effects on my self esteem 30 years on (am working on it!)

Am very glad to see that you are reassuring your ds that none of this is his fault. My parents didn't. Please keep doing what you are doing and get your H to do the same. Your ds is lucky you are looking out for him.

So sorry esp since your son had to see these messages. I am sure you will reassure him that none of it is his fault.

You are doing the right thing - he obviously did not learn from the last time.

Just thought I'd post an update as life is soooo much better now just a couple of months on.

STBXH finally (reluctantly) moved out at the start of July after going through the "I'm so sorry give me one last chance" routine right up to the "I don't want our marriage to end, this is all your decision, you're just trying to find excuses to leave me" taking in a little "this is just typical of your controlling behaviour" en route!

Since he moved out I've started to really rediscover myself and my own personality and am realising just how much of myself I compromised in an attempt to keep him happy. I'm seeing a lot more of my friends, going to gigs, have been to a couple of festivals over the summer and have lost just over a stone (I have it to lose it's not misery starvation or anything!) My DC are also doing well and although it was especially difficult for the youngest, he's settled really well and we're all so much happier. My house is now a really great place to be; we always have our music playing, it's so much tidier and full of laughter. I've also met someone lovely - not what I'd planned and it's very early days but he's really good fun, treats me well and is bloody gorgeous!! Taking it slowly but all looking good!

As for the arsehole, well apparently he's very lonely and can't turn to any of his friends as they're also my friends and don't want to know. According to the kids he's bought himself a webcam so I think we can all guess how he's spending his evenings now! (yuck!) The great thing is that I really don't care. I feel totally liberated and about 20 years younger without him in my life.

So, I just wanted to thank everyone for their support and let you all know that there is hope even in, what seems at the time, to be the most horrible situation.

Glad things are looking up for you.

yay!! go you :)

That's great to read :o

I think it's good that people can see that once you are through the initial hurt and shock you can get a life back and have some great fun doing it :)

That's great news! I'm so happy for you

So very pleased for you Rach.Good woman.

Brilliant!!! Thanks for the update